Friday, November 7, 2014

Binge - 1, Hollie - 0

It's almost like I knew... It was almost time for me to fall off a cliff.

Work stress is crazy. Single mom stress is crazy. And the holidays are coming, so the emotions are running high. To top it all off, I had to deal with a very hard incident on Monday (sorry, can't talk about it). I was in emotional meltdown mode all week.

I ate my last Personal Trainer meal on Monday, and to be honest, I really didn't have a solid "plan" for the rest of the week. I made some chicken breasts in the crockpot on Tuesday, got plenty of salad fixings. Splurged on almond milk and low-carb Greek yogurt, with the intentions of re-introducing some foods slowly. And it was all working.

Until yesterday.

First mistake... I went all day at work without drinking hardly any water. Not exactly sure why, since I'm usually guzzling all day. My left toe was hurting really bad and I was limping around and very uncomfortable. My daughter innocently surprised me with a small caramel Frappucino from Starbucks, and because my emotions and nerves were all over the place, I gladly sipped it until it was gone.

But I was okay with that small "cheat". And I was fully lying to myself.

I stopped on the way home from my after-school gig and got pizza and soda for my family.

And I ate half of a thin-crust pizza by myself. And washed it down with Coke Zero.

And I was HAPPY. It was like I had reunited with a long-lost friend. PIZZA! After 9 weeks, I missed my friend so bad. I was blissfully full and considered it a well-deserved cheat meal.

But then, it didn't end. I found my baby's stash of Halloween candy and started eating it as fast as I could. That's when I started feeling like crap. Because that wasn't cheating... it was binging.

Then I got emotional. And ate two bowls of Cocoa Krispies before bed.

Then I got sick. Then I panicked.

Then I confessed via Instagram and Facebook. For accountability...

Then I laid in bed for most of the night hating myself. Hating my body. Hating that food had such control over me and feeling so powerless to stop it.

Because I love food. Abstaining from it, or eliminating certain foods doesn't make me want it less. I STILL want that food. I miss it when it's gone and long for the day I'm skinny enough that I can enjoy it more often than I can now.

I feel so crazy and disordered sometimes. Why can't this just be easy? Why can't I be "normal" like everyone else?

But I woke up this morning determined to not look back. Yes, I slipped. And fell on my face. But I know that I can keep moving forward and get back on track. I know I can.

And I will keep trying every day until my body detoxes from this sugar and salt. Today hasn't been easy, but I've almost made it to the end. I WILL make it to the end.

I started tracking my food with My Fitness Pal today just for added accountability. My toe is still hurting so bad, and now my RIGHT knee is hurting, I think from limping so much. The pain and location really sucks because there is not much I can do at the gym as far as cardio that won't hurt like hell.

No matter what, I know I can't let myself lose control like that again. That was insanity, and after not being that crazy for 2+ months, it really felt strange. It scared me. I don't want to be that person. I want to stay in my size 16's and get even smaller. I'm well on my way, I just have to stay on course.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

November Weigh In


I'm both excited and nervous about November. Excited about new beginnings and another month of progress. Nervous because this will be the first month I've had to prepare and plan my food. I only have 2 more days of Personal Trainer Food. Then it's back to meal prep. It's ok. I know I've re-trained my eating habits for the better. 

Hopefully I will be financially set to cotinie Personal Trainer Food after the new year. I love the convenience and I've seen awesome results.


Can you see the inches lost? This is just for October! 

Here are my overall results from September until now...


I was so proud! Then I stepped on the scale...


Really? Yes. Imagine my surprise.

But not really. I gave up on scale progress a few weeks ago. Concentrated  on my pants and clothes. And also how amazing I felt. 

And I'm trying to not let this mess with my head. Onward! 

My challenges for November include no junk/cheats until Nov. 21 (daughters bday), no weighing, and 30 for 30 (30 min of exercise daily for 30 days). 

Let's do this!



Saturday, October 25, 2014

Planning for November

I have a lot of time on my hands today since I am playing wedding coordinator for my church. My responsibility is to make sure things run smoothly, then clean up after the wedding. Since the "run smoothly" part takes about 5 hours, and since things have actually went well today, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this journey.

I woke up this morning feeling discouraged. DON'T ask me why.

Because yesterday I was wearing my skinny jeans and feeling pretty good.

But today, I feel down. I think it has to do with the scale, or lack of it. Not really sure.

So I decided that it would be very pro-active of me to spend some time thinking about my plan for when the Personal Trainer food runs out in exactly one week, and what my next challenge will be to myself. I feel like I know what to do as far as food goes. PTF taught me to get back to the low-carb basics, and that works for me. I feel like using that as a tool has set me up for success. But my workouts...

Tomorrow my last 100 in 6 cardio challenge will end. Instead of doing another one, I feel the need to change up my workouts. I'm getting bored with cardio already. The bike and the elliptical don't challenge me anymore.

As much as I hate to admit it, it's time to pick up the weights. I also want to try to run again since my knee is cooperating for the most part. So after conferring with my friend, Sharon (who is a workout beast), weights it is.

I downloaded a routine from the JEFit app for beginners using the machines at the gym. I will also "run" 1-3 miles daily for cardio, depending on if I weight train or not. In the past, weights always start working and I see my body changing, but that damned scale ruins it for me. My weight will fluctuate up and I will quite because the weight gain messes with me.

But not that I am "off" the scale, I'm ready to try it again. I also need to do it for my knee, which is sore going up/down steps again. The physical therapist STRESSED to me that lower body weights were crucial in strengthening my knee and keeping it well enough to stand the impact of cardio. And I haven't done a single strengthening exercise in about 6 weeks at least.

So... that's the plan for November. Transition back to real, low-carb living with moderate cheats meals on 11/21 (Kalela's bday) and Thanksgiving. And to consistently complete a weight-training routine, along with only running for cardio.

I will stay off the scale, and continue to use my clothing to measure my success. I may even get the measuring tape out (I seem to hate it, too).

Friday, October 24, 2014

Week 7... Really?

It's been a crazy week! Back to work and going 100 MPH. Early mornings, late nights. At least softball season will be over soon and I will have a few weeks off before basketball starts. The life of a busy, single mom, right?

Well, this week has also been good because I've been back in my food routine, and even made it to the gym a few times. Oh, and I wore my new pants and sweaters and felt AWESOME.


It's weird to me at times to really LOVE the way I look when I see my reflection. I'm proud of myself... flaws and all. 

No matter how slow I go, or how long this process takes me, I will never be the girl on the left again.

I've had a little scale frustration that I think I forgot to mention. Although I can really see the inches coming off, the scale is stuck again, of course. It may be my scale, because I was weighting the EXACT same 262.1 for about three days after I came back from vacation. I'm intending on getting batteries for another scale that I have, but I just decided to let it go for a while. 

Ya'll know I get scale obsessed. Right now, I just want to enjoy feeling great. And looking good, too. Who knows about that scale. Sometimes it's an accurate measurement for me. But sometimes it's a mind game. 

I can't believe I'm at the end of my seventh week of the personal trainer food. I see my stash dwindling and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I've decided not to reorder right now. With the holidays coming up, I figure that I need to figure out my next step.

This food has been a GODSEND to me. It's got me back on track, and finally LOSING again. My sugar cravings are not gone, but they are manageable. And I feel like I know HOW to eat again. 


Everything that comes with my Personal Trainer Food is food that I can buy at the grocery store and cook, so I guess I will have to get back to meal prep. But I know the holidays are coming in the next month, and I DO want to splurge in moderation.

Yes, I am nervous. Moderation is not my strong suit. But I'm going to try.

I actually sat at a meeting on Wednesday with a table full of birthday cake and didn't have any. Yes, it looked and smelled so yummy. But I passed. I know I will have to pass a lot, and I know I can do it. But I do want to splurge. I want to eat Thanksgiving Dinner with my family.

I will figure that out when the time comes. For now, I'm going to enjoy the next week or so that my food will last. I have truly been spoiled by convenience!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Getting through the rough times...

I took a road trip to Missouri to see my mom this weekend. In case you're new or missed it, mom has Alzheimer's disease and is in a nursing home.



I just wasn't prepared for how her condition has deteriorated since I last saw her in May. Bless her heart... It just made me so sad. And leaving her was the worst.

I cried most of the way home (4 hours). And I just wanted to eat.

I packed my Personal Trainer Food and a gallon of water for the trip. I was prepared, and had breakfast on the way. But once I got there, I lost all appetite and didn't eat again all day. On the way home, I was HUNGRY. Inside and out.

I had a hole inside my gut that I felt that only food could fill. I wanted sweets. I wanted fast food. I wanted anything but that food that was in my lunchbox.

But sanity kicked in. And I stopped at a PILOT and warmed up my food. (I've learned that PILOT truck stops always have a microwave).

The next day, I was down. Which I think is probably pretty normal. So just on a whim, I stopped by Old Navy on the way to my Saturday job to try on a pair of size 16 pants... just to see if they would fit. Guess what?????



Oh. Em. Gee. Happy just don't describe how I felt.

(And I'll add this, because someone left a comment about "vanity sizing" not even five minutes after I made this post. I KNOW these pants are VERY generously sized. They are stretchy. I am very aware of vanity sizing, and that these pants are not a "true" size 16. But I DON'T CARE. The tag says size 16 and this makes me HAPPY.)

Sometimes, I just want to eat everything in sight. Sometimes I want to quit. But I know why I have to keep pushing.

I have about two more weeks of Personal Trainer food left. And then I will probably just keep on eating the same thing... meats and veggies and eggs. Low-carb is working. I feel like I can do this, and I feel like I am finally in control. Habits are being formed every time I make the choice to stay sugar/carb free. Consistency is key.


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Believing I can...

Yesterday I woke up feeling very positive about this journey. I am liking the way I look in the mirror. I have more energy and my skin is clear. After thinking back on vacation and the good choices I was able to make regarding food and exercise, I had an overwhelming feeling.

Success. I actually looked in the mirror and felt it.

I can and will reach my goal weight. I will actually get there this time. 


I feel like I am re-learning how to eat. Low carb is working for me. I still struggle with WANTING sweets and processed food. But I can say no... It's not compulsive anymore. 

I know I am a food addict. It's something I will always have to deal with. My relationship with food is very dysfunctional and I will always have to be careful with my choices.

But it's possible. I can see that now. I just have to say consistent and make this a lifestyle change.

I am still enjoying my Personal Trainer Food. A few have been hating on my choice to do that plan... But it's working for ME. And I am VERY happy with the convenience it offers. Yes, it's totally possible for me to cook the same healthy meals. But FOR RIGHT NOW, it's worth it for me to go with this option. 

My best friend and several others have also decided to order and are also loving the food. It's definitely worth the investment if you need meal options that are quick and healthy, and you don't have the time to meal prep.

And let me also say this... I don't get paid to endorse this plan. EVERYONE who orders gets a link for a $50 off referral coupon. Yes, if you order through the website, I would LOVE for you to use my link. It's $50 off for both of us.

But you can also get an even better deal through Groupon and Amazon Local. Just search for 'personal trainer food'.

I always blog about MY experiences on MY journey. And right now, this food is part of my journey and it's been great for me. Why wouldn't I share about something that might potentially help someone else who is struggling like me?

I appreciate every single person who reads my blog and supports me on my journey. I've been on a very public rollercoaster ride on here since 2008 and I have learned so much. I may not be at my goal weight, but I will get there one day because I refuse to stop trying.

 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Vacation and staying focused


Today is our last full day of vacation in Edisto Beach, SC. It's been amazing. Lots of time on the beach, lots of laziness in our wonderful condo, and lots of great time with my loves.

And this trip has not been about food. We actually haven't eat out once during the entire trip. Yes, it really cuts expense to cook/eat at the condo when you have six people to feed. But it also helps to keep focused when you are trying to stay on track with losing weight.

Has it been easy? Hell, no. It's been hard as hell when you're so accustomed to eating whatever you want on vacation. And especially when you're surrounded by sweets and 'convenience' food that you love.

Is it worth it? Absolutely. I am feeling pretty great right now and I don't want to ruin it. It's also just not worth ruining my progress over the past month or so. I'm worth it.


My friend took this picture on day 1... A candid shot. A few years ago I would have made her immediately delete any candid shots because I was so self conscious. I actually like this one. I am making progress. And I can see it.

It's been easy to stick to my Personal Trainer food since our condo has a full kitchen. I packed it in ice for the trip and immediately put it in the freezer. No excuses. It's a lifesaver. 

I'm off to go walk on the beach! 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Trusting my journey...


I've been low-carbing for little over a month now. I've made great progress on the scale. But I've made even more progress mentally.

One month ago I actually contemplated giving up. My body was detoxing from carbs and I was miserable. I wanted all the sugar and I couldn't have it. And the thought crossed my mind that I should just stay fat. I mean, what was so bad about just being fat?

Because I've been big my entire life it's really sort of comfortable for me. It's familiar. I'm used to it. I've grown accustomed to the aches and the pains and the uncomfortable clothes and being out of breath. These things might just be a good trade-off to be able to eat all of the wonderful sugary foods that I love.

But then something within me realized that this thought process was insanity.

There was no way that I could ever go back to being that person.

So I stuck with it. And here I am a month later and 16 pounds lighter. My clothes fit well again and I feel great.

Yesterday was a long crazy day for me. I am now working contracts before and after school for extra money. And I have a couple of side jobs that I work on weekends and evenings. AND it's softball season and my daughter plays during the weeknights. My day started at 7 AM and ended around 11 PM.

And I stayed on track all day.


I've said it before, and I'll say it again ordering the personal trainer food was one of the best decisions I could've ever made. Yesterday morning it was as easy as counting out my meals, taking them out of the freezer, and putting them in my lunchbox. Also packed a plastic container and found that there was a microwave available to me everywhere I went yesterday. I ate well and I stayed on track.

As I was driving home from softball last night I realize that I really have dropped my excuses. I realize that I actually want it bad enough to stay prepared and do what it takes. 

For the first time in a long time I actually can see myself making some progress in moving forward in this journey. Even with vacation coming up next week I know that I am in the right mindset to stay on track and stay focused. I have a plan for my food and I've talked to my coach about how to eat out if that situation comes up. I am confident that I will do well.

I am expecting my second shipment of personal trainer food today. It was really a no-brainer to make the commitment for another month. I'm just not ready to lose the convenience of having all of my meals prepared for me ahead of time. I absolutely think that this plan is what is keeping me on track. My best friend is also doing the plan and she absolutely agrees with me that this was one of the best investments she has made for herself and in a long time.

Today I am very grateful that I did not give up. I will stay patient and I will trust this journey.



Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Oct 1 weigh-in...


14.8 lbs gone this month. 

Not bad at all! 


I could never imagine just a month ago that I would be able to stick to low carb living this long. Yes, I do still want the bad stuff, but I'm able to say no and resist. 

The great thing is that I feel strong and I know I'll be able to keep going. 

I am doing Personal Training Food for another 28 days. It is absolutely working for me right now as far as convenience and meal prep. My first 28 days of food will be up on this Sunday. At that time, I  going to do a liquid-only 'detox' for two days before I start again.

My coach recommended this because my weight loss has slowed down. And since I will be off from work I think the timing is perfect. 

We leave for vacation in one week, and that will be my restart day. 

Yes, I am sticking to plan while on vacation. Why not?

I am not about to undo a months worth of hard work. We have a kitchen in our beach condo so I just plan on packing all of my food in ice for the drive there and carrying on as usual.

This vacation will not be about food. It will be about relaxing and exploring and enjoying time with my family.

When I get back I'll have another week off, and on that week I plan on hitting the gym hard and getting back into an exercise routine. Softball for my daughter is almost over, so I'll have my workout time back. I'm so ready.

I'm excited about October!!! My goals are finally within reach again.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Getting my groove...

This is been a week full of highs and lows on this weight-loss journey. Some days I feel so snacky and I feel like I just want to binge all over the place. But other times, like today, I feel very strong and full of resolve.  


I must admit that it's an amazing feeling to fit in a pair of pants that didn't fit you last month and also wear a hand-me-down shirt that belonged to my 16-year-old child.

I know that I'm not supposed to, but I have peeked at the scale several times this week. I almost had a breakdown just because I am not losing like I was a few weeks ago. 

But this morning it hit me that there is a reason why the people at Personal Trainer Food tell you do not stand on the scale more than twice during your 28 days. They tell you to really watch the inches that you're losing and how your clothes feel. And honestly, my clothes feel pretty amazing right now. I know that I'm losing inches even if it's not showing on the scale. And I'm sure that it being my time of the month doesn't help matters either.

Lesson learned about the scale. Again.

My goals for the weekend include drinking more water and getting more exercise. I know that life is really busy during the week but I've got to find time to get more activity in. I just really feel like I need it for my sanity.

And I know that I'm slacking on the water. My goal is to get back to at least a gallon a day or half my bodyweight like I'm supposed to.

I made another important decision this week. I have decided that I am not going to stop my low-carb journey when I go on vacation on October 9. I know that one reason that I decided to do the personal trainer food was to get back on track before I went on vacation. But what's the use of getting back on track when I go on vacation if I'm just going to ruin all of my progress while I'm on vacation! Since there is a kitchen in our condo there is really no excuse for me not to take my food on vacation with me and stay on plan while I'm there. 

I guess I'm starting to think in longer-term goals. I really would love to end the year 2014 below 250 pounds. I have not been below 254 since I started this journey in December 2012. And you all know that I've been between 254 and 260 something pounds for the past year or so. Except for the last month or so when I backslid to almost 280.

It's time to get this weight-loss journey pumped up again. I really believe that I have the tools now that I have my food under control. Now it's just time to have discipline and consistency and get the job done.

Since several have asked, and several people are even ordering (yay!), here is a link you can use to order Personal Trainer Food and get $50 off!