Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Eat more to weigh less?

I am feeling pretty good today. I'm back in my work slacks! Woo hoo!

I wore these pants a couple of weeks ago and was secretly scared all day that I was going to split my pants. I have three pairs of this same style pants from NY&Co. Although they are stretchy, my ass was just too wide. I could barely get them over my hips. They are still a little snug, but comfortable. Victory.

So, for the past week, I've been trying something I've never tried before to lose weight.

I've been eating more. Like, 2100-2400 calories per day. Crazy, for a habitual dieter like myself. Losing weight is supposed to mean starvation and elimination. But I've been doing neither.

I think I mentioned in my last post that The Gunnar Challenge and my coach (Jen) told me to heat more calories... 2100-2300 daily. But I didn't really think I would do it.

But then, my workouts continued to include weights. And they were intense sessions. And I was HUNGRY. So, I ate. But I tracked EVERYTHING. And I do try to avoid junky food (although my diet has NOT been perfect).

And I feel a difference. I've lost 7 lbs, but I'm not weighing daily. With lifting heavy weights, everyone says daily weighing can be a disaster. So I'm not.

But eating so much still feels... wrong. SO I looked up a few more calculators and got the same thing.

These are from scoobysworkshop.com/calorie-calculator/. I have followed Eat More to Weigh Less for a LONG time because the idea always intrigued me. Hell, I even felt a little envious that women could do such a thing and actually lose weight!

And this is one Jen gave us to use... I forgot the source.

So it does seem like eating more can make you weigh less. I'm going to keep going with it because I feel good. And I've been working out... hard. I'm already seeing progress with the weights. Last night was a huge victory when I was able to lift 60 lbs on the shoulder press machine. 25 lbs used to KILL me. 

I'm lifting HEAVY (for me) and I get such a rush from it. I'm HAPPY to go workout because I don't do the dreaded 45 min to an hour of cardio anymore. Usually about 20 minutes of cardio is all I do, and that is so I can practice running for a mile.

Today is supposed to be a rest day but I may go get a short workout in... I'm not overly sore or anything like that. I just feel good.

And that is awesome... to feel good again.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Mental mud

This Balance bar represents a successful day of eating for me. It's only 4 p.m. But this is a victory.

I have REALLY struggled with food this week.

With both my 60-Day coach and The Gunnar Challenge, my calories limits are high. Way higher than usual. 1800 - 2300 calories. My coach has me at 2100.

SO, like any person with a permanently ingrained diet mentality, I don't feel like I am on a diet. And since I'm not restricting anything, I've had a hard time.

Monday was ok... I was off from work, and my environment was controlled.

But Tuesday... damn. I got to work and realized that my desk was full of candy and junk. I ate candy and was so mad at myself. So I ate some more! I logged it, and went to the gym later than night for a brutal workout with my new "trainer". 

Wednesday (yesterday) wasn't much better. I struggled with salty snacks.

So I threw everything away. And I gave my assistant the "treat" stash of candy.

One good thing is that on both days I honestly logged all my food into MFP. 

This morning I got up feeling defeated, but an email "conversation" with my coach helped me realize WHY I am struggling, and that it's normal. Well, normal for people like us. It felt good to know I'm not alone.

Here is a snippet...

From Jen...
"I think you need to just take a deep breath and focus on what you can control which is your food. I know you're a busy mom and you work a lot.. Exercise may seem hard to fit in right now? Is this an issue? 
Also with your exercise is it something you are enjoying (I mean as much as one can enjoy exercise lol) or are you stressing the gym?

Also I know it can make for a lot of mental mud when you're eating foods that you associate with gaining, or a time you've had no control. So you have to just bite the bullet track them stay in your goal with them.. Or you'll never realize it's not the food it's the quantity and the sedentary lifestyle that's doing this to you. Trusting food is so damn hard but it's a process you're starting right now and you've got to let go and just go with it."

This was my reply...
"I think my struggle is definitely the food. I think I have been off the wagon for so long (eating whatever I want) that it's just really hard for me to reel it in without doing a restrictive diet or detox right off the bat. See, that's usually how I get going again. By being miserable for up to 10 days. It's how my brain is conditioned.

Workouts are actually great right now. I'm looking forward to my gym time... I have a new gym partner (my ex husband... long story) so it's been really fun. 

I can also see what you mean about the mental mud. I LOVE pumpkin oatmeal. But my brain tells me that carbs are off limits and that means I'm eating bad. I DO NOT trust food. Food seduces me and lies to me. It's my secret, married lover and our relationship is always ten kinds of wrong."

Today, I have stayed on track. I have only eaten the food that I packed. 

I told myself that this Balance bar would be my "treat" at the end of the day if I didn't mess up. And I didn't.

So right now, I'm feeling hopeful.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Let's get 2015 started...

This mornings weigh in just made me sick. Devastating. 

I have officially undone two years of hard work. I am back to my January 2013 weight.


I also took measurements.
Waist - 46.5 in
Right arm- 18 in
Left thigh - 31.5 in
Hips - 52.5 in
Bottom belly/pouch - 55 in
Chest - 42 in

I'm just... Disgusted. But it's definitely motivation to make the necessary changes.

Today starts the Gunnar Challenge. I'm not THRILLED with it, but it's only day one. The calorie guidelines are all or nothing for my weight. I get the option of rapid weight loss (1200 calories - NO) or moderate -1-2 lbs/week - weight loss (2300 calories - too much). I chose moderate weight loss, but will stick with 1800-2000 calories, which is what MyFitnessPal suggests.

The meal plan is also disappointing. It's just too fancy and complicated for my tastes. I have five people to feed. The meals just aren't practical for me. So I will just try to modify.

I mean, I know how to eat clean. I have just been doing a crappy job of it.

I also start working with a 'coach' today... Someone personal. There is also a support group involved. I'm super excited about this, too, because this woman has successfully lost weight and kept it off. She doesn't offer meal plans she offers daily support. And I need that. 

I'm back in the gym and FINALLY doing weighs thanks to an unlikely gym partner (my ex husband!). Yesterday I had to admit to myself that I've been bs'ing with my workouts, too.

All the tools for success are in my face. It's now up to me to make it happen.

I can't believe I've allowed myself to backslide this far.

Friday, January 16, 2015

The Gunnar Challenge

Have you ever heard of the Gunnar Challenge? It's an 8 week challenge and I will be participating. 

I desperately need some sort of incentive and push right now. I hope this is it.

I was able to look over the site and tools earlier this week and I think I will like it. But I won't know everything until the challenge starts on Monday. But there is a meal plan and exercise plan. And lots of support.

This is a celebrity trainer with some high profile clients (the Kardashians!!!!). I mean, he has to be good, right????

I need a kick start. I need to get back to where I was before the holidays. I'm ready. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

You've got to be kidding...

Yesterday I felt very discouraged.

 I practically wore workout clothes to work because I knew that my daughter had a basketball game and my intention was to go directly to the gym afterward. I avoided sugar yesterday and ate well all day. I was feeling like I was on my way to being on track. 

And within one hour I hurt my knee and found out that my car needed an expensive repair. Two big hits.

I was getting up for my small chair in my classroom and twisted my knee the wrong way. It popped and then it popped again when I stood up so I thought it was going to be okay. And then the pain set in. It HURTS to put any weight on it.

On the way home from work I found out that my almost brand-new car (2012 model that I've had for less than a year) needs a pretty pricey repair on the ENGINE. A repair that would have been covered under the warranty 2000 miles ago.

And I cried again for the second or third day in a row. But I did not cheat. 

I suddenly wanted a bowl of cereal and candy and soda and cake. But I did not give in.

My knee is still hurting this morning when I walk so I will have to go to the doctor, and that really sucks. Do you know how absolutely embarrassing it is for me to go to the doctor about my knee because I am so self-conscious about my fat knees? (Yeah, I cried about that last night, too).  

My goal for the day is to not be discouraged. Yesterday kind of sucked, but there were also some good things that happened. Some definite signs that things are looking up. So I will not quit. Success is mine.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Happy (late) New Year!

I figured that I would let all of the "new year, new me" posts pass before I finally decided to blog something this year.

I'm kidding. I've just been procrastinating.

I haven't exactly been on track yet this year. I've pretty much been off the rails since Halloween, to be honest.

I have every excuse in the book. I've been stressed. I've been sick. I've been unmotivated. I've been happy. I've been sad. I've been depressed.

I woke up this morning and decided that I'm done making excuses. It's time for me to get my shit together.

I've gained so much weight. Like, 20+ lbs since November. I'm uncomfortable. My clothes are so tight. I'm out of breath and my heartburn is back. 

I'm miserable. 

But I am not doing anything about it. 

Because I'm obviously not miserable enough to make the changes I need to.

See, I want to eat. I still want what I want as far as food goes. I want 'moderation' but I can't make it work for me. So it pisses me off. And I just keep eating. 

I don't know the answers. Well, I do, but I don't like the answer.

I don't want to diet, and I don't want to eliminate anything. But all signs point to me doing both.

And it makes me mad.

I don't know why, with all the knowledge I've gained about weight loss and nutrition, that I still can't get this right. Why am I still banging my head against the wall?

I don't know. But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Binge - 1, Hollie - 0

It's almost like I knew... It was almost time for me to fall off a cliff.

Work stress is crazy. Single mom stress is crazy. And the holidays are coming, so the emotions are running high. To top it all off, I had to deal with a very hard incident on Monday (sorry, can't talk about it). I was in emotional meltdown mode all week.

I ate my last Personal Trainer meal on Monday, and to be honest, I really didn't have a solid "plan" for the rest of the week. I made some chicken breasts in the crockpot on Tuesday, got plenty of salad fixings. Splurged on almond milk and low-carb Greek yogurt, with the intentions of re-introducing some foods slowly. And it was all working.

Until yesterday.

First mistake... I went all day at work without drinking hardly any water. Not exactly sure why, since I'm usually guzzling all day. My left toe was hurting really bad and I was limping around and very uncomfortable. My daughter innocently surprised me with a small caramel Frappucino from Starbucks, and because my emotions and nerves were all over the place, I gladly sipped it until it was gone.

But I was okay with that small "cheat". And I was fully lying to myself.

I stopped on the way home from my after-school gig and got pizza and soda for my family.

And I ate half of a thin-crust pizza by myself. And washed it down with Coke Zero.

And I was HAPPY. It was like I had reunited with a long-lost friend. PIZZA! After 9 weeks, I missed my friend so bad. I was blissfully full and considered it a well-deserved cheat meal.

But then, it didn't end. I found my baby's stash of Halloween candy and started eating it as fast as I could. That's when I started feeling like crap. Because that wasn't cheating... it was binging.

Then I got emotional. And ate two bowls of Cocoa Krispies before bed.

Then I got sick. Then I panicked.

Then I confessed via Instagram and Facebook. For accountability...

Then I laid in bed for most of the night hating myself. Hating my body. Hating that food had such control over me and feeling so powerless to stop it.

Because I love food. Abstaining from it, or eliminating certain foods doesn't make me want it less. I STILL want that food. I miss it when it's gone and long for the day I'm skinny enough that I can enjoy it more often than I can now.

I feel so crazy and disordered sometimes. Why can't this just be easy? Why can't I be "normal" like everyone else?

But I woke up this morning determined to not look back. Yes, I slipped. And fell on my face. But I know that I can keep moving forward and get back on track. I know I can.

And I will keep trying every day until my body detoxes from this sugar and salt. Today hasn't been easy, but I've almost made it to the end. I WILL make it to the end.

I started tracking my food with My Fitness Pal today just for added accountability. My toe is still hurting so bad, and now my RIGHT knee is hurting, I think from limping so much. The pain and location really sucks because there is not much I can do at the gym as far as cardio that won't hurt like hell.

No matter what, I know I can't let myself lose control like that again. That was insanity, and after not being that crazy for 2+ months, it really felt strange. It scared me. I don't want to be that person. I want to stay in my size 16's and get even smaller. I'm well on my way, I just have to stay on course.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

November Weigh In

I'm both excited and nervous about November. Excited about new beginnings and another month of progress. Nervous because this will be the first month I've had to prepare and plan my food. I only have 2 more days of Personal Trainer Food. Then it's back to meal prep. It's ok. I know I've re-trained my eating habits for the better. 

Hopefully I will be financially set to cotinie Personal Trainer Food after the new year. I love the convenience and I've seen awesome results.

Can you see the inches lost? This is just for October! 

Here are my overall results from September until now...

I was so proud! Then I stepped on the scale...

Really? Yes. Imagine my surprise.

But not really. I gave up on scale progress a few weeks ago. Concentrated  on my pants and clothes. And also how amazing I felt. 

And I'm trying to not let this mess with my head. Onward! 

My challenges for November include no junk/cheats until Nov. 21 (daughters bday), no weighing, and 30 for 30 (30 min of exercise daily for 30 days). 

Let's do this!

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Planning for November

I have a lot of time on my hands today since I am playing wedding coordinator for my church. My responsibility is to make sure things run smoothly, then clean up after the wedding. Since the "run smoothly" part takes about 5 hours, and since things have actually went well today, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this journey.

I woke up this morning feeling discouraged. DON'T ask me why.

Because yesterday I was wearing my skinny jeans and feeling pretty good.

But today, I feel down. I think it has to do with the scale, or lack of it. Not really sure.

So I decided that it would be very pro-active of me to spend some time thinking about my plan for when the Personal Trainer food runs out in exactly one week, and what my next challenge will be to myself. I feel like I know what to do as far as food goes. PTF taught me to get back to the low-carb basics, and that works for me. I feel like using that as a tool has set me up for success. But my workouts...

Tomorrow my last 100 in 6 cardio challenge will end. Instead of doing another one, I feel the need to change up my workouts. I'm getting bored with cardio already. The bike and the elliptical don't challenge me anymore.

As much as I hate to admit it, it's time to pick up the weights. I also want to try to run again since my knee is cooperating for the most part. So after conferring with my friend, Sharon (who is a workout beast), weights it is.

I downloaded a routine from the JEFit app for beginners using the machines at the gym. I will also "run" 1-3 miles daily for cardio, depending on if I weight train or not. In the past, weights always start working and I see my body changing, but that damned scale ruins it for me. My weight will fluctuate up and I will quite because the weight gain messes with me.

But not that I am "off" the scale, I'm ready to try it again. I also need to do it for my knee, which is sore going up/down steps again. The physical therapist STRESSED to me that lower body weights were crucial in strengthening my knee and keeping it well enough to stand the impact of cardio. And I haven't done a single strengthening exercise in about 6 weeks at least.

So... that's the plan for November. Transition back to real, low-carb living with moderate cheats meals on 11/21 (Kalela's bday) and Thanksgiving. And to consistently complete a weight-training routine, along with only running for cardio.

I will stay off the scale, and continue to use my clothing to measure my success. I may even get the measuring tape out (I seem to hate it, too).

Friday, October 24, 2014

Week 7... Really?

It's been a crazy week! Back to work and going 100 MPH. Early mornings, late nights. At least softball season will be over soon and I will have a few weeks off before basketball starts. The life of a busy, single mom, right?

Well, this week has also been good because I've been back in my food routine, and even made it to the gym a few times. Oh, and I wore my new pants and sweaters and felt AWESOME.

It's weird to me at times to really LOVE the way I look when I see my reflection. I'm proud of myself... flaws and all. 

No matter how slow I go, or how long this process takes me, I will never be the girl on the left again.

I've had a little scale frustration that I think I forgot to mention. Although I can really see the inches coming off, the scale is stuck again, of course. It may be my scale, because I was weighting the EXACT same 262.1 for about three days after I came back from vacation. I'm intending on getting batteries for another scale that I have, but I just decided to let it go for a while. 

Ya'll know I get scale obsessed. Right now, I just want to enjoy feeling great. And looking good, too. Who knows about that scale. Sometimes it's an accurate measurement for me. But sometimes it's a mind game. 

I can't believe I'm at the end of my seventh week of the personal trainer food. I see my stash dwindling and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I've decided not to reorder right now. With the holidays coming up, I figure that I need to figure out my next step.

This food has been a GODSEND to me. It's got me back on track, and finally LOSING again. My sugar cravings are not gone, but they are manageable. And I feel like I know HOW to eat again. 

Everything that comes with my Personal Trainer Food is food that I can buy at the grocery store and cook, so I guess I will have to get back to meal prep. But I know the holidays are coming in the next month, and I DO want to splurge in moderation.

Yes, I am nervous. Moderation is not my strong suit. But I'm going to try.

I actually sat at a meeting on Wednesday with a table full of birthday cake and didn't have any. Yes, it looked and smelled so yummy. But I passed. I know I will have to pass a lot, and I know I can do it. But I do want to splurge. I want to eat Thanksgiving Dinner with my family.

I will figure that out when the time comes. For now, I'm going to enjoy the next week or so that my food will last. I have truly been spoiled by convenience!