Thursday, April 16, 2015

What's next?

I'm still in somewhat of a slump about my weight gain, but for the past few days I've made a choice to stop with all the negativity, and just move forward the best way I know how. I started using MyFitnessPal AGAIN, but this time I went in and let the website recommend my calories and macros (I usually customize this for myself). It has me at 1900 calories. And so far, thats fine with me. I've gone over each day this week thanks to candy calories, but at least I'm tracking and TRYING.

I've got to try. I just can't NOT try. But eating 'normally' is actually ok. And tracking helps control the portions.

I am going out of town tomorrow, but first I have a doctor's appointment with my OB/GYN that also does nutritional counseling. I'm hoping they can give me some advice or direction. After low/no carb not working this time, I just feel so discouraged. I feel like my body hates me and I've really just abused it for so long that I'm a lost cause.

I called my insurance company last week and asked about resources for someone with an eating disorder, or help with nutrition and weight loss. Blue Cross Blue Shield was sorry to inform me that they don't offer help with anything like that, but I would be an excellent candidate for gastric bypass surgery. The rep was happy to refer me to a bariatric surgeon.

Damn. Not that I haven't thought about it lately. But I just don't think surgery will help me until I get the mental and emotional stuff right.

When it comes to food and sugar, I am totally unstable.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

What pushes you?


Unfortunately, after three solid weeks of doing very low-carb/Adkins/Keto, I fell off the wagon. Oh, there are plenty of excuses to why, but it all started with a weigh in that made me very disappointed. In three weeks, I 'only' lost about 5 lbs. Nevermind that my clothes fit looser. Nevermind that physically I felt like a million bucks.

That scale pissed me off.

Low-carb always works. But this time, not so much. Not like it has in the past.

So what started as a "one day break", ended up as a week long free-for-all. Because there was no way I could start over with Easter in only a few days, right?

Right.

Just more excuses.

I guess rock bottom was Thursday. I ate a total of SIX Cadbury eggs and was absolutely SICK. But I still kept binging.

Friday-yesterday was better, but not weight-loss worthy.

This mornings weigh in...



Damn. Damn. Damn.

I am almost 300 lbs again.

Hell. NO.

So, low carb it is. Again. Because it works... maybe not so fast on the scale anymore. But it allows me control over this addiction. It allows me to feel full and satisfied and it helps with my cravings.

It was probably a sign that I ordered an Atkins diet book several weeks ago and it just came in the mail yesterday. More on those insights later.

But I just need to get a hold of something... something that will help push me. Maybe it's NOT seeing 300 on the scale again. But so far, nothing has been motivating me enough to get my ass in gear. My clothes are all too small. I have heartburn again. I hate my reflection in the mirror. I feel like shit.

But I still stuff myself full of food and sugar until I vomit.

Madness. Insanity. Stupidity.

All that.

I need to push. Push toward at least getting back into my size 18's. Back into the 260's.

My life literally depends on it.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

2 weeks down - This may be getting easier


This is officially my third week of the low-carb lifestyle. Honestly, I have to admit that I already FEEL a lot better. My cravings are manageable or non-existent. I'm able to say "no" now, and it isn't the end of the world. Today I had an unplanned lunch out with colleagues at a Mexican restaurant. I ordered chicken fajitas will bell peppers only, no beans, no rice, no tortillas. Add cheese and guacamole and sour cream. I felt good about that choice and it was easy to skip the tortillas or the chimichanga I usually indulge in. I drank water instead of diet soda. It felt like a win.

Did I mention I FEEL better? Yes.




I  am definitely eating in a more 'keto' fashion than I had planned. But higher fat makes me so much more satisfied. 

I did weigh in after deciding that I hate the scale and I never want to weigh again. From Monday, March 9 to Monday, March 16 I went from 289.2 to 285.3. Not fast weight loss, but at least I'm going in the right direction.

I think my body is just like, "f*ck you" and doesn't want to give up the fat. I will keep going.

I am also running more, but I need to be consistent. Good weather is showing it's pretty face in Tennessee, so outside neighborhood runs will be easy. No excuse that the gym is too far away, and the elliptical is soooooo boring.


Sunday, March 8, 2015

Back on track!

Again, lol!




I also did weights on Tuesday, and jogged yesterday and today. I'm feeling much better already, and the cravings are really getting better.

I'm on Spring break next week and I've made a goal to exercise EVERY DAY for at least 30 minutes. I'm also hoping to get my daughter in the gym with me, too. 

Onward!



Friday, March 6, 2015

Catching up...


Hey, ya'll! I'm sad to admit that I've neglected my poor blog again. The past month or so has been full of ups and downs.

With my life, and of course, my weight.

My weight is still up. This morning I weighed in at 289.2. But I am four days off carbs, so hopefully I will keep going down.

I kind of hit a rock bottom (again) and had to make the decision to drastically cut carbs (again).

My food addiction has been spiraling out of control for some time now. And I've had to face the facts (again) that I can't handle moderation. I can't have sugar if I'm going to get well. Again.

But I have learned that I don't need to starve. I'm still at 1800-2000 calories and happy right there. 

I just can't have the sugar.

I have made some really big LIFE decisions and being fat and unhealthy are not options right now. I want to feel good in my skin again. I need to be successful again.

I desperately want to reach my goal weight... whatever that is.

Today is day 5 and all my meals are planned out for the day (follow me on MyFitnessPal if you're not already).

I'm moving forward. One day at a time.



Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Eat more to weigh less?


I am feeling pretty good today. I'm back in my work slacks! Woo hoo!

I wore these pants a couple of weeks ago and was secretly scared all day that I was going to split my pants. I have three pairs of this same style pants from NY&Co. Although they are stretchy, my ass was just too wide. I could barely get them over my hips. They are still a little snug, but comfortable. Victory.

So, for the past week, I've been trying something I've never tried before to lose weight.

I've been eating more. Like, 2100-2400 calories per day. Crazy, for a habitual dieter like myself. Losing weight is supposed to mean starvation and elimination. But I've been doing neither.

I think I mentioned in my last post that The Gunnar Challenge and my coach (Jen) told me to heat more calories... 2100-2300 daily. But I didn't really think I would do it.

But then, my workouts continued to include weights. And they were intense sessions. And I was HUNGRY. So, I ate. But I tracked EVERYTHING. And I do try to avoid junky food (although my diet has NOT been perfect).

And I feel a difference. I've lost 7 lbs, but I'm not weighing daily. With lifting heavy weights, everyone says daily weighing can be a disaster. So I'm not.

But eating so much still feels... wrong. SO I looked up a few more calculators and got the same thing.



These are from scoobysworkshop.com/calorie-calculator/. I have followed Eat More to Weigh Less for a LONG time because the idea always intrigued me. Hell, I even felt a little envious that women could do such a thing and actually lose weight!


And this is one Jen gave us to use... I forgot the source.

So it does seem like eating more can make you weigh less. I'm going to keep going with it because I feel good. And I've been working out... hard. I'm already seeing progress with the weights. Last night was a huge victory when I was able to lift 60 lbs on the shoulder press machine. 25 lbs used to KILL me. 

I'm lifting HEAVY (for me) and I get such a rush from it. I'm HAPPY to go workout because I don't do the dreaded 45 min to an hour of cardio anymore. Usually about 20 minutes of cardio is all I do, and that is so I can practice running for a mile.

Today is supposed to be a rest day but I may go get a short workout in... I'm not overly sore or anything like that. I just feel good.

And that is awesome... to feel good again.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Mental mud


This Balance bar represents a successful day of eating for me. It's only 4 p.m. But this is a victory.

I have REALLY struggled with food this week.

With both my 60-Day coach and The Gunnar Challenge, my calories limits are high. Way higher than usual. 1800 - 2300 calories. My coach has me at 2100.

SO, like any person with a permanently ingrained diet mentality, I don't feel like I am on a diet. And since I'm not restricting anything, I've had a hard time.

Monday was ok... I was off from work, and my environment was controlled.

But Tuesday... damn. I got to work and realized that my desk was full of candy and junk. I ate candy and was so mad at myself. So I ate some more! I logged it, and went to the gym later than night for a brutal workout with my new "trainer". 

Wednesday (yesterday) wasn't much better. I struggled with salty snacks.

So I threw everything away. And I gave my assistant the "treat" stash of candy.

One good thing is that on both days I honestly logged all my food into MFP. 

This morning I got up feeling defeated, but an email "conversation" with my coach helped me realize WHY I am struggling, and that it's normal. Well, normal for people like us. It felt good to know I'm not alone.

Here is a snippet...

From Jen...
"I think you need to just take a deep breath and focus on what you can control which is your food. I know you're a busy mom and you work a lot.. Exercise may seem hard to fit in right now? Is this an issue? 
Also with your exercise is it something you are enjoying (I mean as much as one can enjoy exercise lol) or are you stressing the gym?

Also I know it can make for a lot of mental mud when you're eating foods that you associate with gaining, or a time you've had no control. So you have to just bite the bullet track them stay in your goal with them.. Or you'll never realize it's not the food it's the quantity and the sedentary lifestyle that's doing this to you. Trusting food is so damn hard but it's a process you're starting right now and you've got to let go and just go with it."

This was my reply...
"I think my struggle is definitely the food. I think I have been off the wagon for so long (eating whatever I want) that it's just really hard for me to reel it in without doing a restrictive diet or detox right off the bat. See, that's usually how I get going again. By being miserable for up to 10 days. It's how my brain is conditioned.

Workouts are actually great right now. I'm looking forward to my gym time... I have a new gym partner (my ex husband... long story) so it's been really fun. 

I can also see what you mean about the mental mud. I LOVE pumpkin oatmeal. But my brain tells me that carbs are off limits and that means I'm eating bad. I DO NOT trust food. Food seduces me and lies to me. It's my secret, married lover and our relationship is always ten kinds of wrong."

Today, I have stayed on track. I have only eaten the food that I packed. 

I told myself that this Balance bar would be my "treat" at the end of the day if I didn't mess up. And I didn't.

So right now, I'm feeling hopeful.


Monday, January 19, 2015

Let's get 2015 started...


This mornings weigh in just made me sick. Devastating. 

I have officially undone two years of hard work. I am back to my January 2013 weight.

Fock.

I also took measurements.
Waist - 46.5 in
Right arm- 18 in
Left thigh - 31.5 in
Hips - 52.5 in
Bottom belly/pouch - 55 in
Chest - 42 in

I'm just... Disgusted. But it's definitely motivation to make the necessary changes.

Today starts the Gunnar Challenge. I'm not THRILLED with it, but it's only day one. The calorie guidelines are all or nothing for my weight. I get the option of rapid weight loss (1200 calories - NO) or moderate -1-2 lbs/week - weight loss (2300 calories - too much). I chose moderate weight loss, but will stick with 1800-2000 calories, which is what MyFitnessPal suggests.

The meal plan is also disappointing. It's just too fancy and complicated for my tastes. I have five people to feed. The meals just aren't practical for me. So I will just try to modify.

I mean, I know how to eat clean. I have just been doing a crappy job of it.

I also start working with a 'coach' today... Someone personal. There is also a support group involved. I'm super excited about this, too, because this woman has successfully lost weight and kept it off. She doesn't offer meal plans she offers daily support. And I need that. 

I'm back in the gym and FINALLY doing weighs thanks to an unlikely gym partner (my ex husband!). Yesterday I had to admit to myself that I've been bs'ing with my workouts, too.

All the tools for success are in my face. It's now up to me to make it happen.

I can't believe I've allowed myself to backslide this far.

Friday, January 16, 2015

The Gunnar Challenge


Have you ever heard of the Gunnar Challenge? It's an 8 week challenge and I will be participating. 

I desperately need some sort of incentive and push right now. I hope this is it.

I was able to look over the site and tools earlier this week and I think I will like it. But I won't know everything until the challenge starts on Monday. But there is a meal plan and exercise plan. And lots of support.

This is a celebrity trainer with some high profile clients (the Kardashians!!!!). I mean, he has to be good, right????

I need a kick start. I need to get back to where I was before the holidays. I'm ready. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

You've got to be kidding...

Yesterday I felt very discouraged.

 I practically wore workout clothes to work because I knew that my daughter had a basketball game and my intention was to go directly to the gym afterward. I avoided sugar yesterday and ate well all day. I was feeling like I was on my way to being on track. 

And within one hour I hurt my knee and found out that my car needed an expensive repair. Two big hits.

I was getting up for my small chair in my classroom and twisted my knee the wrong way. It popped and then it popped again when I stood up so I thought it was going to be okay. And then the pain set in. It HURTS to put any weight on it.

On the way home from work I found out that my almost brand-new car (2012 model that I've had for less than a year) needs a pretty pricey repair on the ENGINE. A repair that would have been covered under the warranty 2000 miles ago.

And I cried again for the second or third day in a row. But I did not cheat. 

I suddenly wanted a bowl of cereal and candy and soda and cake. But I did not give in.

My knee is still hurting this morning when I walk so I will have to go to the doctor, and that really sucks. Do you know how absolutely embarrassing it is for me to go to the doctor about my knee because I am so self-conscious about my fat knees? (Yeah, I cried about that last night, too).  

My goal for the day is to not be discouraged. Yesterday kind of sucked, but there were also some good things that happened. Some definite signs that things are looking up. So I will not quit. Success is mine.