21-day Challenge... Update!

Today is day 14 of my 21-day challenge... and so far it's been going GREAT. I am so glad that I challenged myself to buckle down and really dig deep. I've had to say NO many times, but it's been okay... so worth it. The scale is finally moving again. This morning I weighed in at 271, which is 6.2 lbs down from the first day of the challenge (great for 2 weeks), and about 11 lbs down this month. I'll take it. I'm 2 lbs away from the 50 lb. mark... that will be such a victory!

I've been doing a lot more walking to get ready for the Komen 3-Day in October (PLEASE make a donation! Link on right side of page...). And except for last week, I've stil been doing classes at my gym. I had a really bad bike wreck last Monday, where I flipped over the handlebars and in the process, one of the handlebars stabbed me in the vagina... yeah. HURT LIKE HELL. Actually, it still hurts, but is much better. There were a few days that I was so swollen and mangled that I could barely walk. It was AWFUL. needless to say, no jumping around in group fitness classes. I think I'll be ready to try again tomorrow. I did, however, continue to walk for about 30 minutes on 3 days last week, and even walked 3+ miles with Brooke on yesterday. 

I have to say, walking seems way more of a challenge than it used to! I don't really "enjoy" it yet. I'm sure with all the training over the next few months, I'll get used to it. And build myself up to 20 miles per day!

Another great thing that happened Friday is that my good friend (I won't give her name because I know how modest she is) gifted me a FITBIT! Best. Damned. Gadget. Ever. It syncs with My Fitness Pal, and I even found another app, Runtastic, that syncs with both of them! So basically, using the apps, I can go for a walk, and it will calculate my distance, time, and how many calories burned with just a click of a few buttons! Fitbit does so much more, though... I'm obsessed. I highly recommend it! And I'm so thankful to my friend for getting it for me... LOVE YOU!

Sorry for no pictures today... I'm waiting for my kids to get ready for church, so I thought I could type out a quick update. Sorry I don't blog as often as I used to, but I do try to update my Facebook page a few times a week (www.facebook.com/skinnyhollie).

I've got one more week of the challenge, and I'm praying that I can get at lease 3 more lbs off to be safely in the 260's, and get to my 50 lb mark. Then I'll have to think of another challenge for my birthday, which is May 26!  I'm feeling so motivated right now... I can't wait for school to get out this year so I can spend the summer working hard on ME! I'm actually looking forward to extra gym time, since I want to seriously start weight training this summer. This is really turning out to be a great year!

21 Day Challenge

I am challenging myself to 21 days of clean eating, no booze, no sugar and some sort of exercise daily. I am tired of being "stuck". But in all reality, it's my fault that I'm stuck.

If I ask myself,  "Am I doing everything possible to break this plateau?", the answer is "NO."

Most days, I do great. But I fell off the wagon during vacation. Then I fell off again on Easter. And then I fell off AGAIN this weekend. I've been able to maintain my lowest weight of 276.6 through all of this, but I'm ready to get OUT of the 270's. So to do that, I'm going to have to buckle down.

I know what to do. I just have to DO it.

I'm drinking too much. I'm cheating too much. I'm letting other issues in my life take front seat, when my journey to health is so much more important. So I'm going to prioritize. I'm going to really TRY.

And I encourage YOU to join me!

In other breaking news...

I signed up a couple of weeks ago to do the Susan Komen 3-day walk in Atlanta.



If I did it right, you should be able to click a button on the right side of my blog to donate. Please donate! Even if it's just $5, it will help me reach my goal of $2300. My best friend, Brooke, and I will do this in October. It's been on our bucket list for a few years, and so this year we decided to JUST DO IT! I'd love to hear from anyone who has done it, or has fundraising or team advice. Thanks!

Vacation and what happens now...

Oh, how I love vacations! I have been extremely blessed over the past few years to be able to take my little family on vacation. This year, we decided to go early in the Spring instead of summer when it's so hot. Which worked out fine. We did a ton of walking in Atlanta because the weather was so nice. Things didn't start cooling down and raining until the last day in Pensacola.

This is the first time I have ever went on vacation and really TRIED to stick to a strict plan of eating. At times, I feel like I started obsessing. At times, it really stressed me out. But overall, I think I did ok. The first night I had soul food from a famous place in Atlanta (Mary Mac's Tea Room). The next day I picked at Chinese food (but it was horrible and not worth it). The third day we at dinner at a buffet in Tallahassee and I tried to choose lean meat and lots of veggies. But the last full day (in Pensacola) was where things went downhill.

I was able to cook breakfast at my sis-in-law's that morning, and between the drive to Pensacola and the beach and shopping, it was 9:30 p.m. before we had dinner. Other than a few snacks while driving to the beach early in the day, I hadn't eat. So I was hungry. And tired. And cranky. And my kids were on my nerves.

So I ordered a chicken pot pie and sweet potato fries from O'Charley's. And I convinced myself that it was the last night of vacation and I deserved it. And I enjoyed it SO much.

But the next morning I got up and at the leftovers for breakfast. And then proceeded to eat two blueberry muffins from the hotel's continental breakfast bar... Don't even ask me why I did that. I don't know why I lost my sanity. Muffins???? Where in the hell are they on my plan?

So on the way home, I was damned near emotional about the muffins. So at a stop at McDonald's for some coffee and fast food for the kids, I ordered a BIG MAC. Yes, you read that right. A BIG MAC. (And it was just as good as I knew it would be.)

I knew my day had officially gone to hell. And I began to panic.

What did this mean? Am I off the wagon? Am I out of control? Will I be able to get control back? Oh, God... please help me. I can not fail this time. I HAVE to get back on track.

So after the 7-hour drive home, the kids were chillin' and I read on Facebook that a good friend of mine was at our local Chili's having a 'rita. So I decided to join her. Because a margarita could only make this day better, right?

I had my margarita, but my friend and I also talked about the 60 lbs that she has lost recently, and I was instantly re-inspired to get my butt in gear. I knew that Sunday, March 23, 2013 was just a bump in the road. I knew that I would wake up on today, get back on plan, and keep moving forward.

And that's exactly what has happened.

But the crazy thing, is that when I stepped on the scale this morning (to assess the damage), this is what I saw...

 

How could it be? I'm back down to my lowest weight from the beginning of March. The four pound gain that I've been stuck with is gone. I stepped on the scale about 20 times... even moved it to different places around my room. 278 to 279.4 was the number each time. I've been stuck at 282.

Soooo, that was definitely motivating. Today, I have eaten clean and drank a ton of water. My plan is to stick to fish and veggies for lunch and dinner this week, and eggs/protein powder/veggies for breakfast. Five days straight. As a sort of detox. Because on Good Friday I'm hitting the road again for Missouri for Easter. And it's going to be lots of food temptation, as well as emotional stuff going on because I'll be seeing my mother. With Alzheimer's I never know what to expect, but either way it's so emotionally draining. I'll have a plan for my food before I leave town, and it should be easy since I'll be staying with my sister and we mostly eat in. I'll figure it out.

So here's to a great day back on track! Tomorrow I'll be back at the gym and I'm SO excited!

Hitting a wall...

This morning, I really felt compelled to write... to pour out all my frustrations and to get out my feelings via this blog.

I'm frustrated. I've hit a wall. 

A plateau? So soon?

I mean, I knew that getting past 270 would be hard, but hell... I can't permanently stay away from 280!

Two weeks ago, I dipped down to 278. I was thrilled! But just a few days later, the scale was back at 283. I laughed it off... I'd had a little too much to drink at Bunco, ate some salty dip. But no biggie. Lots of water and clean eating would have that 5 lbs off in no time! Right?

Um... no. The scale has been between 280-281 for over a week.

What. The. Hell?

Thing is... I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I have kicked up my exercise... instead of 3-4 days per week, I'm exercising 5-6 days. It may not be at the gym, but I'm hiking, walking, and even doing Wii Fit. I'm drinking plenty of water. I'm eating clean. I'm still sugar-free and mostly low-carb. Eating fruit, veggies and lean meat. I've cut my wine intake to a couple of days a week when I've had a very low-carb day. I have cut down on eating out.

But the scale still won't budge.

But... I'm getting to the point where I don't care what the damned thing says.

I KNOW that I've made permanent changes that are positively impacting my overall health. My size 18/20 clothes still fit. Not just from Lane Bryant, but from other stores (I went to try on clothes to make sure). I FEEL amazing... I don't get out of breath, my indigestion/heart burn is gone. My self-esteem is up. And I just feel better about myself and my life. I'm happy.

But the scale pisses me off. It makes me doubt. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong? Will the weight loss just STOP? What if eating healthy and exercise isn't enough?

Right now, I'm happy with my overall diet. I eat clean. I'm satisfied. No sugar cravings or binging. I could truly eat like this for the rest of my life. But what if it's not enough? Do I need to starve myself, or do something else extreme? I really don't want to... I want this to be enough. I know I can keep this up, and everything else just leads to failure.

I don't want to fail at this. Never again.

So as of TODAY, I'm putting the scale away for a little while. I don't need the doubt and negative feelings.

I am going on vacation tomorrow, and that itself makes me feel a little unsure. I don't PLAN on eating bad, but it's hard when you're on the road with four kids and your food is not entirely in your control. I'm taking plenty of meal bars and healthy snacks. I'm not entirely worried, but I am going to be careful. My one rule and guideline that I will not break is no sweets, no bread. Those rules help me stay in control. Otherwise, I will have fun and won't be stressed about food.

Honestly, the food part doesn't rule my life anymore. But why do I still let the scale and that stupid number get to me? Habit, I guess. The scale should be a tool... that's it. But for me, it's so much more. And I have to get a grip on that. But I'm really disappointed that I probably won't meet my 10-lb goal for March...

I found out a few days ago that a good friend of mine has cancer. My heart breaks for her and her sweet family. But it is just one more reminder that life is short, and it's not guaranteed. Good health should not be taken for granted. At the end of the day, this journey is about health. Mental and physical health. It's not abot wearing a size 10, or getting to a certain number on the scale. It's about being healthy enough to live he fullest life I can for ME. It's about loving myself enough to make sacrifices and to get control of bad habits that I've carried around for a lifetime. I'm worth it. Finally, I see that.

So, with my true intentions in mind and reaffirmed, I am going to enjoy my vacation. I am going to LIVE and remember that I now lead a healthy lifestyle. I'm going to pay attention to the food I use to fuel my body. And I'm going to move as much as possible (there's a gym at my hotel!). Next week, I'm going to continue to eat clean, drink my water, and exercise. I'm going to pay attention to my food and eliminate the occassional salty snacks and diet soda. I'm going to increase the amount of veggies I eat, and continue to drink plenty of water.

I will not be discouraged. And I believe that I can get past this plateau.

13 weeks... Pushing through

Tuesday marked my 13 week milestone of being sugar-free/low-carb. It's been an amazing journey so far. I've learned so much about myself and my relationship with food over the past few months... it's been mind-blowing at times. But I'm having a good time.

I've lost a little over 40 lbs in that time. So, basically, I'm holding steady at that 10-lb per month goal I made. In December (when I first started), I lost 20 lbs, then 10 lbs in January and 10 lbs in February. At first, I was a little disappointed in that. But now, I'm happy. 10 lbs per month is great. 

I'm over that "race to the finish" mentality. Yes, I would love to lose the weight really fast. But, I gained it over 36 years of my life, slowly getting it off is okay. As long as it's coming off! And really, 10 lbs per month is not all that slow. At this rate, I'll pretty could still lose 100 lbs before the year is up! That's amazing to just think about being at GOAL by 2014. I'm so ready.

The past month has been different... I'm starting to feel "comfortable" with my eating. It's feeling like a lifestyle. I'm not scared (as much) any more. I've had a little bread/white flour slips, but nothing to freak out about. The one thing that I'm holding strong on is NO SUGARY FOOD OR SWEETS. I just really feel like that will knock me off a cliff. I'm just not willing to go there. I won't take that chance... it's just not worth it.

I've also been consistent wth exercise. I'm still enjoying the group fitness classes, and make it to the gym at least 3-4 days per week. I know that's not hard core, but it's a great thing for me and my crazy schedule. I'm actually looking forward to having the next two weeks off for Spring Break so I can exercise more. I'm planning on doing a 5K in April, so I really want to get out and walk/jog more. It feels great to be moving again.

I've also logged/tracked my food for 80 days in a row on My Fitness Pal. I am not crazy strict with calories, but I do find that it keeps my focused and on-track if I am able to look at my calories/fat/carbs/protein. I'm still trying to stay under 100 carbs daily, and I try to shoot for 80-100 grams of protein daily. My net calories usually fall anywhere between 1200-1700. I'm satisfied, and I don't really crave sugar at all anymore. If I'm hungry, I eat. But if I'm not hungry, I don't eat. I just try to listen to my body.

Now that I'm 40 lbs down, I'm finally able to tell a difference in my body and clothes. Remember those size 20 "goal jeans" that have been in my closet for the past 3 years? I can wear them now! Comfortably. No muffin top! I'm wearing them in the photo on the right, with a size 14/16 top from Lane Bryant. The pants on the left are new ones that I bought in a size 20. They fit perfect!

So my goal for March is to keep pushing through! I'm currently at 278ish, and I REALLY want to break through to the 260's with no plateaus. In 2003, and again in 2009 when I lost considerable weight, I hit a huge plateau at around 270. I don't want that to happen this time, and plan to work my butt off to stay focused on eating and exercise so that won't happen.

My biggest problem right now is that I've relaxed enough that I feel like I'm eating out too much. I make great choices when I eat out (fish, veggies, etc) most of the time, but it's still not as good as if I were cooking or preparing my meals at home. When I first started in December/January, I was scared to death to eat out. Now, I go out to eat all the time. I've also started to indulge in alcohol again (Vodka tonics and/or red wine)... I must also stop that. In my own insane way, I realize I might be trying to self-sabaoge as usual. Just in a different way.

So now I'm putting it out there, so I know my blog and Facebook friends will keep me accountable. I am so appreciative of the network of people that I have that support and encourage me every day. People that I know in real life, and people that I only know online. It's great! And I am thankful!

Ten weeks... Still holding strong!

It's hard to believe that tomorrow marks 10 weeks since I went sugar/flour/wheat free. Every time I pass on dessert, or pizza, or pasta, I'm amazed that I'm able to say 'no' so effortlessly. Rolls at the dinner table? No problem! Tummy treats at BUNCO? Not for me!

I am able to appreciate how good these treats must taste without indulging. It's just not worth the risk of un-doing all the hard work I've put in.

As of yesterday, I'm down almost 33 lbs. the weight is still coming off slow, but I've learned to just appreciate the fact it's coming off at all. I'm trying to eat more calories, and most days I do ok. But some days I'm still pretty low. Still working on that.

I've had to work on a recent craving for potato chips, which I've never had an issue with before. And Coke Zero. I only drink water, but I love Coke Zero and have been giving in more lately.

I guess the bottom line is I'm still trying to get a hold on my disordered eating... And it's not all about sugar. It's a mind thing. Totally.

But I've been successful for 10 weeks, and I don't plan in quitting anytime soon!

Two Months

Today marks the first day of my third month of living a sugar-free/flour-free/wheat-free lifestyle. I weighed in this morning at 289.6.... exactly 10 lbs down from what I weighed on January 1.

When I first set out on this "final" leg of my weight loss journey, my goal was to lose 10 lbs per month... so technically I should be really happy with this progress.

But there is a part of me that is, honestly, disappointed.

I know, I know... 10 lbs is great. I'm down a total of 29.4 lbs. The fact that I'm almost 9 weeks sugar-free is great. I'm making good progress. I'm staying focused. I've tracked my food for 45 days in a row. I'm down about 2 sizes. I'm exercising 4 times per week and loving it.



Life is good.

But I think I should be losing more weight.

After my last post, I tried to start eating more calories. It lasted about 3-4 days, then I just slipped right back into low calories. I don't *think* I'm doing it on purpose... it's just that I'm full and satisfied without the extra food. And I'm too busy and stretched out to even WANT TO think about food all the time, especially how to eat MORE. At the end of the night, especially after a good workout, the last thing I want to do is stuff my face.

Today I sat down and crunched a few numbers from My Fitness Pal. Since 12/28/12, I have averaged anywhere between 1026-1080 calories (NET) per day.

Yes, I know. That is REALLY low for someone almost 300 lbs. I think it really is the cause of my slow losses. My carbs range from 22 - 30%, and my protein ranges from 23-30%. I guess my diet is high in fat, being 40-52% (but mostly from eggs, cheese, olive oil and nuts).

All I know is that I have to find more quality, nutritious food. And I'm probably going to have to eat more often during the day, which will be a challenge in a busy classroom environment. I need more protein and less fat. I think my carbs are good, since I'm exercising and since they come from fruit and veggies.

I've been having so much fun doing group classes at the gym. Zumba, piloxing, kickboxing, hip-hop dance... Monday through Thursday for two weeks straight I've been going, and getting awesome calorie burns each time. My daughter and her bff have been my workout buddies, which gives me added incentive and accountability. Funny how it's possible to make time when one of my children is involved.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

And I promise to get another book up soon to give away! I haven't forgot about that.

Enough

When I made the HUGE decision on December 4 to eliminate sugar and most carbs from my diet, I knew that it was a decision based on health, not necessarily one to lose weight. I'm 36... getting close to 37. At the time I was close to 315 lbs... My health was at risk. Week after week that has gone by, I feel like a healthier person. My heart burn is gone, my body hurts less, I have more energy... I just FEEL better. I believe that I'm healthier.

My diet these days still consists of lean meat (chicken, turkey and fish mostly), fruit, veggies, eggs, cheese, and the occasional sweet potato fries. I'm drinking more smoothies in the mornings because they are quick and tasty (using designer whey or vi-shake protein powder). I occasionally eat a meal replacement bar (I found some great ones with only 10 carbs and lots of protein). But for the most part, I try to stick to WHOLE, UNPROCESSED FOOD. My body likes it.

Not long after I started my no-sugar/low-carb days, I started tracking religiously. I try to stay around 100 carbs, and I found that my "comfortable eating days" usually fell around 1200+ calories. My Fitness Pal and LoseIt both had me at around 1690 calories for my age, weight, and activity level. But 1200+ felt like plenty, so I changed my budget to 1299 calories and pretty much stick with that. I try to get as much protein as I can and not go over 100 carbs (unless I have a lot of fruit). And eat real food... which I think makes me feel fuller and more satisfied. I never really worried about if I was getting enough calories, because I am full!

The other day (by accident, really) I went over my calorie budget by about 200 calories. The next morning when I did my daily scale ritual, I expected a slight gain. But I had an almost 2 lb drop from the day before! So I went back through my food journal, and the days that I'm closer to my 1299 budget, I usually lose weight. But on the days that I only eat around 1000-1100 calories, I stay the same or show a slight gain... And the days where I exercise and have a huge deficit, same thing. Stay the same or a slight gain.

Does this mean that I need to be eating more calories? Right now, my weight is fluctuating between 289-291... which is still a lot. I'm 5'8"... so pretty tall for a woman. Is my body actually trying to tell me to feed it more? Am I accidentally slowing down my metabolism?

Am I eating enough? It feels like enough... 

My personal life is still kind of wacky right now. On top of one of my kids having the flu last week, and another having a bad cold-type virus, I missed a lot of work. My ex-husband is making terrible choices with his life...which affects me because I'm no longer receiving financial support, or ANY damned support for my children. And my kids are sad. Which makes me pissed off.... But anyway. Those are his choices...

I'm still making the choice to be the best Hollie I can be. No excuses. I know I can be enough for me and my children. My world revolves around them, and now I have even more incentive to keep pushing forward with positive changes in my life. This is my year. Making myself better will make my kids have a better mom, my students have a better teacher, and my friends will have a better friend.

The possibilities for my future are suddenly amazing. I'm so excited to live life now. I'm definitely changing from the inside out. I finally love ME!

Filling the Black Hole

I guess it would be fair to say that my life has sort of fallen apart this last week. After more than six months of trying to reconcile with my ex-husband, I decided that it just wasn't working. I know he was trying, but I just wasn't happy. I'm not ready for a relationship... Not with him. Not with anyone. Hollie just wants to be with Hollie right now.

The breakup has caused major stress, though. Needless to say, Mr. Leonard was NOT happy about my decision. And unfortunately, other bad stuff has resurfaced. It makes me sad, but I stand behind my decision.

The decision to do what's best for me. Because I truly believe that when I'm happy, my kids are happy.

I haven't talked much about this to anyone, but I have been attending Overeater's Anonymous. I truly think it's what has helped me stay sugar/white flour free for almost six weeks. I'm treating my obsession with food as an addiction, because I believe it is. And the support of the group of people with my same illness is very helpful.

At the OA meeting I attended on Thursday night, the speaker talked about the "black hole" that once was her life, and how she spent so much time trying to fill that hole with food, bad relationships, etc. I totally identified with her. I think that by filling my soul with good things and positive relationships, there is no longer room to for food. Even with the sadness of ending a relationship, my soul still feels full. Full of God, full of love for my children, full of a satisfying career, full of friends who care about me...

I am changing for the better. And the pounds that I'm losing is just a result of the work I'm doing on myself from the INSIDE. Suddenly, eating right is so much easier. If you told me two months ago that I'd be almost 6 weeks sugar free, I wouldn't have believed you. But here I am.

I know it's hard for him to understand, but ending this relationship is just part of the transformation. The old Hollie was scared to be alone. She would rather settle for 50% happiness from another person than risk having to go 100% by herself.

Not this Hollie. I am strong. I love myself now. I am worth so much more than settling for anything less than 100%. Life is too short for regret. And I know in my heart that everything will be alright.

The scale is still holding steady at 294 which is fine. I haven't been to the gym in a week (since I lost my gym partner in the breakup, and since my evenings are busy now that I'm in single mom mode). But no excuses... Tomorrow, I have promised daughter and her friend and my nephew that we could start going to the gym after school. My evenings are clear all next week, so this is totally possible.

I had a NSV yesterday... I was able to fit into a pair of new pants that I found in a box. I bought them over a year ago on clearance, but when I got them home they didn't fit. I only paid $8 for them, so I just put them up in hopes that I could wear them one day. And yesterday was that day!

Many people on Facebook have been asking to see what I eat everyday. Well, I snap pictures occasionally, and decided to start posting some on the end of the blog for those who wish to take a look. If you're on My Fitness Pal, you can add me as a friend (SkinnyHollie) and view my diary whenever you wish, too.

This is tilapia with broccoli and sweet potato fries. (441 calories). I suddenly love fish... I eat this dinner a lot, minus the sweet potato fries. I only allow myself to have those about once per week. But I eat a lot of broccoli and fish.

This is a chicken breast and french green beans drizzled with Alfredo sauce. (270 cal for the whole dinner - only 2 carbs for that sauce). I rarely eat chicken anymore, but this was ok. And I love these green beans from Trader Joe's.

And this is my typical breakfast... 3 slices of turkey bacon and a 2-egg omelet stuffed with reduced fat cheese and spinach. And coffee (sweetened with 1 packet of Splenda and 3 tbs half and half). 424 Calories.

Ive mailed off all my three books that have been given away... and I'll be posting another one soon!

25 down, and winner #3!

The winner of the Working Out Sucks book is comment number 4... Cai! Please contact me asap at skinnyhollie at gmail dot com, or on www.facebook.com/skinnyhollie!

And for the first two winners... I mailed your books today!

And I am pleased to announce that the scale is moving again! Today I was down to 294! That's officially 25 lbs down since starting this journey (again) on Novemeber 15. Today also marks FIVE WHOLE WEEKS without the sweet stuff or white/wheat flour. I'm finally feeling good about this process again.

Although I have to wonder if it's because I haven't been to the gym since Friday that my weight is dropping again? We'll see... I'm going to try my best to get in that gym again tomorrow.

Long story short... Well, I won't even tell the story, but my personal life took a major bad turn on Saturday night/Sunday. I'm sad, hurt, and disappointed.

But I'm not eating over it. Not at all. 

Because eating over your problems really doesn't make them go away, does it?

I'm learning that right now. Big time.

Again, my reaction has been the opposite of usual. I have not appetite. On Sunday, I logged less than 400 calories all day. Just couldn't eat. But since I know that's not healthy, I did better yesterday.

I also had a NSV today... I was able to walk through Walmart at 5 p.m. after a long, emotionally trying day and find that I didn't want any of the candy in the aisles. I didn't look longingly at it, and my mouth didn't water. I really felt indifferent. It was just candy. It didn't make me happy anymore, or tempt me. It was just colorful little wrappers that decorated the checkout.

I used to love candy. So that's huge for me.

Well, I'm DOG tired... physically and mentally. I've got to get some sleep tonight, so I'm off to bed!