Friday, February 28, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
I should have seen it coming, and in many ways I think I did. And I tried to stay positive and avoid it.
But I have relapsed. And I'm having a hard time getting myself together.
Yesterday was a binge day like I haven't had in a long time.
It was pre-meditated. And I didn't regret it at all.
I sat down in my car with a huge piece of red velvet cake purchased from Kroger. And ate about half of it before I felt better. I ate the rest later in the privacy of my bedroom.
I cried before I went into the store. Cried over being fat. Cried over my foot pain (more on that later). Cried over hurt feelings from an ex. I cried over being lonely. And overwhelmed. I cried over money and bills.
And then I ate my cake.
And I felt better.
I told myself beforehand that I would NOT feel better. That it would make me feel worse. But it turns out that piece of cake was clarity. It was soothing and yummy and took my mind off all the shit that was making me unhappy.
Like it always does.
I came home, made a healthy dinner and meal-prepped for success this week. But honestly, I wasn't feeling any of it.
What's the use? I'm not losing weight. I don't feel any healthier or different. Hell, I proved to myself with that binge yesterday that I'm still the same FatHollie underneath it all. All these months of trying to get it right and I'm still the same food addict that I've been since the beginning of Hollie.
I went to the doctor a week ago and had a full panel of blood work done. There MUST be something wrong with my thyroid or hormones or SOMETHING that is prohibiting me from losing weight, right? Nope. All is normal. (That news, although great, was very discouraging because deep down I was hoping there was some sort of medical reason for my 9-month plateau).
I started having horrible foot pain on Sunday morning that hasn't gone away. I'm limping and it hurts to walk. So taking out all my frustration at the gym is a big NO right now. I thought about doing the bike but any foot movement is painful. (And this stresses me out because all I can think of is another medical bill).
I'm just having a rough time with this section of my life. I've pretty much accepted that I'll be single for a while. I've accepted that single parents struggle financially and that I'm blessed to be able to pay my bills on time. I've accepted a lot of things.
But I do NOT accept being fat. I figure that's the one damned thing I should be able to change. And my body is fighting against me.
Or is it just that I'm not doing enough? That I'm not consistent and I am not being honest with myself about my level of commitment. Maybe I'm not trying all that hard.
But I honestly think I am. And that's what makes me so pissed off.
I'm trying. And getting no results.
Then I binge like yesterday. And I feel like I'm back to the drawing board.
What can I do?
Well, I think it's time to start going back to OA meetings. I saw an OA friend at a church I was visiting yesterday and I took that as a sign.
I also think that maybe I just need to simplify things a bit. I'm overwhelmed with juicing and clean eating and no sugar and low carb and acidic foods vs alkaline foods, etc. I've learned so much that I feel the need to implement EVERYTHING. But I can't. It's expensive and time consuming. I'm running low on time and money. So I've got to find some type of happy medium.
I haven't weighed in over a week, and I'm not sure I want to. But I think I need to.
Not sure what to do about that.
I definitely need to get back to prayer, and get God back into this. I was focused while fasting. But I've fallen off. Big time.
I'm not quitting. I just have to get the courage to get back on the wagon. It's harder than it seems sometimes.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
I am actually enjoying exercise again, and I am DETERMINED to finally get some kind of at-home gym set up in my garage. I NEED a place (besides my tiny bedroom) to exercise at home. Last night, for example, I got home late from taking my daughter to play practice. I could've popped in a DVD, but I couldn't because it would keep my kids up if I did it in my room or the living room. The way my wood floors are set up... the whole house would be bouncing. Not to mention that you can hear the slightest noise, even with the doors shut. But if I can get the garage cleaned and set up, it's on the opposite end of the house as our bedrooms, plus the floor is concrete. It will work.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
I'm still very adamant that I am not eating sugar or refined carbs this year. Which still even seems crazy in my mind, but I am determined. I really think it's a necessary step to beat my food addiction. Yes, I will miss it. But I'll live.
I have discovered that beans don't agree with me. After making three different recipes with beans last week, I noticed that my belly stayed really bloated and I became constipated. The only other thing that could be causing this is the wheat crackers (Triscuits - they are allowed) I've been eating. We'll see after the fast. I'm already planning on cutting down on beans this week, but the wheat crackers will stay until I'm off the fast and can find a gluten-free alternative.
Oh, I've discovered natural peanut butter. Freshly ground. And it's amazing. Such a treat.
I've lost down to 261.5, but the scale really hasn't moved in the past week. Any other time I'd be stressing but right now I'm not worried about it. Weight loss is a bonus, not the reason for this fast.
I do think I'm growing closer to God. It's almost like I feel him talking to me at times, and I need that. I'm still waiting on my "breakthrough" but I believe I'll get it. I'm only half-way through this fast, and I'll go longer if I'm led to.
Not exercising a lot. Honestly, I "want" to, but I haven't been very motivated. My energy level isn't great... maybe lack of protein? This week I will try, but I have a work deadline that's killing me, so that will come first. Hopefully I'll knock out the majority over the next day or so and will be in the gym soon. Right now, honestly, eating and food is my main concern. The fitness will always come.
Pray for me!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
I didn't realize until today how much technology played into my workout! I started on the treadmill to do intervals, but I couldn't get my music app OR the nike app to work! I was about ready to fling my phone across the gym because I was so mad, but after turning the phone off and back on I at least got my music to work. It was at this time I realized I had forgot to turn on my HRM! So it took a good 13 min to get it together, but I had a good workout. 30 min on the treadmill, 15 min on a new machine that's a cross between a stepper and an elliptical? Not sure what it's called.