Tuesday, December 9, 2008

"Success isn't defined as how many times you fail; it's about getting up one more time!"

Thank you, Skye, for this great quote! Because today, I am getting up one more time. I blew it again yesterday! Dang! My intentions are so good when I get up, but throughout the day it gets worse and worse. Yesterday I was tired and sleepy, and ended up eating and eating and eating after I got home from work. I slept NINE hours last night, and still woke up tired this morning. I lost my temper this morning because I couldn't find my keys, and walked out of the house without my lunch or snacks. Good thing I have a SmartOnes here at work and plenty of FiberOne bars!

So today, I am going to catch up on blogs, because as MizFit reminded me, I have a whole blogworld out there that I can lean on. I am also going to work on my final paper for my last class this semester. I got about half of it done yesterday, so I'm off to a good start.

BBL!

Monday, December 8, 2008

It's MONDAY. Since I worked all weekend, I don't feel like it was a weekend at all. Sat. I worked from 3:30 p.m. to 1:15 a.m., then had to be back to work on Sun. at 10 a.m. until 5:30 p.m. By the time I went to the grocery, got gas, and fixed dinner it was after 9 p.m. I slept well, but woke up still tired. Thankfully, I'm off from my P.M. job until Thursday, so I'm going to take advantage of going to bed early those nights to catch up on my sleep. I'm still so achy - after I get off from work each night my legs and feet feel like they're gonna fall off. But I did figure out yesterday that if I take Ibuprofen before I go to work it makes it bearable.

I did pretty well this weekend eating-wise. Not great, but no binging. I woke up this morning with resolve to make THIS the week that I get back on the wagon for good. I got on the scale, and was pleased to see I've only gained about 5 lbs. This should be devastating, but considering how out of control I've been since before Thanksgiving, only 5 lbs gained is a GIFT! I definitely know all the exercise I get at work is helping.

I have also decided that I can't afford to renew my WW meetings for this At-Work session. I just don't have the money right now, and don't see it happening in the near future. Even with the extra job and my husband working, we are barely making ends meet. We got so far behind, that now everything is crucial, and the money can't come in fast enough. I pray that by the end of this month we can see clearly and be at least caught up on the major bills. To top it off, my mother has started acting nutty, and says she can't watch Kalela anymore. She said she needs to run errands, and she can't take Kalela with her, or something crazy like that? So that means we are now having to pay a babysitter that we can't afford, either.

I'm kind of bummed about the WW thing, especially since I'm super curious about the new program coming out. My plan is to journal and count points on my own, and try to follow it the best I can by myself. My friend who is also doing WW said she would be my personal leader, so I really appreciate that. I NEED to get back on track EVERY DAY! Not just a few days out of the week. But like I said before, I will NOT give up! I will start over every day if necessary!

Friday, December 5, 2008

New WW plan!

I was searching for info on the new WW plan, and found this great article. It pretty much sums it up!

http://tinyurl.com/5haycaLink

Yes!

I made it through the day yesterday and was successful at being back on track! I didn't journal or count points, but I know I did well. I ate my fruit, and didn't cave at fast food or vending machines at all. I also drank about six cups of water, which is a step up from ZERO cups! When I was on my way home from work at midnight last night, I felt very successful about my day. Now, I just need to repeat the same today. I am prepared, so hopefully all will be well.\

My husband made me so mad this morning. He is really a jerk. I woke up with a sore throat this morning, and I asked him if he could please fix the heat in our car. It was about 20 degrees when I left work last night, and it's at least a 20 minute ride home with no heat in the car. He's told me several times that it was just a blown fuse, but this morning he informed me that it was something else that required him taking the dash out of the car. He said it wasn't worth the trouble to fix it, so he wasn't going to do it. Then he said, "You're just going to have to suffer." OMG! That really pissed me off. I really wanted to tell him that being married to him, and busting my ass working two jobs because he's so damned sorry should be suffering enough, but I held my tongue. No, I take that back...I did tell him that I though he was sorry as hell. It's his fault that we're in such a financial mess in the first place.

I don't know, but that confrontation this morning just strengthened my resolve to lose weight. I'm tired of letting people around me sabotage my weight loss efforts. He is my number one saboteur. As long as I'm fat and unhappy, he knows that I will not empower myself to make positive changes in my life. Every time I'm on a successful track to weight loss, he makes me feel guilty for putting my needs about his. I'm tired of it, and it's not going to happen this time.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Thursday, Dec. 4, 2008

So far so good on being back on track today! I have not journaled, but have been in control. I was late leaving the house this morning because I was determined to pack my lunch (and dinner for tonight) so I would be prepared. I made meatloaf for dinner last night, so I brought leftovers with two slices of bread for a sandwich for lunch, and a Lean Cuisine for dinner. I have plenty of FiberOne bars and apples, oranges, and a grapefruit for snacks. Oh, yeah, and plenty of water. I have not been drinking water at all, so I've SO got to get back on track with that.

I balanced our meager budget last night, and I don't think I'm going to be able to afford to re-join the next session of our WW at work. It's only $105 for 10 meetings, and they'll split payment (half in Dec/half in Jan). But honestly, I can't afford to spend $52.50 right now. The bills that NEED to be paid next week will not wait, and it will take every dime of money we have to pay them. Needless to say, I'm kind of bummed about that. I know I can try to do it from home, but I need the motivation and accountability I get from the meetings. And the AT WORK meetings are so convenient, in our school Library right after school. I'm going to email the coordinator today to see if I can work something out.

I finally got my paper turned in, and am going to get started now on the one I have due on Monday. That will be the last one. I'm transferring to a local school next semester to finish my Master's, so I'll have a break from school after 12/15, which will be MUCH needed.

I've been trying to catch up on all the blogs I've been missing, and I'm so motivated by how some of you continue to have awesome success. I am also encouraged by those of you who continue to fall and pick themselves up (like me). It feels good to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

Oh, and I've figured out my mantra for the New Year. Looking Fine in 2009! This year it was Losing Weight in 2008, which I did! This is the first year since I had Kalela (in 2005), that I've started the new year weighing LESS than I did the year before! I would still LOVE to be under 300 by Jan. 1, but I'm afraid that falling off for the past month or so has killed that dream. But I'm still hopeful!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Thanks for the kind comments that were left on my page yesterday. I WILL keep trying, even if it mean starting over at every meal. I split a leftover donut with my daughter this morning on the way to school to "get rid of it." Yeah, right, but anyway.... I felt like I had already got off on the wrong track and my day was doomed. A few minutes after I got to school this morning, a student delivered this HUGE box of fruit that I had ordered about a month ago from another teacher. It's apples, oranges, and grapefruit from Florida. YUM! I felt like this was a sign, and now I will have plenty of good fruit (the local fruit around here is terrible this time of year) to eat.

Last night a fellow teacher who goes to my WW meeting invited me over to go through some clothes that were too big for her, but should fit me. I left with a huge trash bag of "new" clothing and a "new" coat, so I'm super excited about that! Some of the shirts were size 2x, and they fit! That was motivation to get my butt in gear and not to gain anymore weight. She is now in a size 18, and since I still have a lot of clothes in that size in storage, I'm going to let her go through those things. I think a clothing exchange is such a good idea for people who are losing weight. I wish WW meetings would suggest this more - it would save people a lot of money.

Right now, I think I've gained about 5 lbs, but it's TOM and I'm not getting on the scale until Monday. Our WW at Work meetings will re-start on Tuesday, and even though I can't afford it, I'm going to re-join. I desperately need the accountability that WW meetings give me. I'm just worried about doing it with my afternoon work schedule, but I'll find a way. I figure that some weeks I might need to go to another meeting location if I have to work on Tuesdays, but so far I've been off on Tuesdays so that may hold.

Well, I'm off to finish a paper that was due on Monday. I don't know why I have a mental block up and haven't completed it yet. I just can't get into it, and it's about 1500 words, so I can't just BS through it. Our sources were also limited to "peer reviewed journals", which I hate. I'm already re-thinking school... It's just one more thing on my overflowing list of things to do...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm back...

...and desperately in need of help getting back on track. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging regularly, but with two jobs and school full time I'm going insane. I don't have time to BREATHE. I checked my email and have over 500 unread messages. I got so overwhelmed I just signed out and haven't signed back in. I'm barely keeping my head above water. I need to come up with a plan...not just for weight loss, but for health and sanity.

My 2nd job is wearing me out. My body feels like I've been involved in physical torture. My feet, legs, and back ache so bad. I know I'm just not used to standing/walking for 8 hours at a time, and I know my weight plays a big role in this. I try to look at the positive - great exercise. But the negatives are screaming at me - tired, sleepy, pain. I'll make it through, though.

Because my schedule is new and I haven't adjusted, AND there's been a holiday thrown in, my eating has been erratic, too. I haven't got on a scale this week, but I'm sure I've gained. My plan is to get back on track immediately, and make all this exercise I'm getting at work pay off! I walk all over the store the whole time I'm there. I'm also squatting a lot. It literally FEELS like I am constantly exercising for 8 hours. I don't see how the people on Biggest Loser do it.

The evenings I do have off twice a week, I go straight to bed when I get home. Some days I even have to take a pain pill because my muscles are aching so bad. My body is in shock, I think. It's frustrating because I know that this wouldn't be killing me if I were thinner.

SO - I have decided to get my ass in gear. There's no time like the present to get back on track. I WILL take the time to prepare, so I will not be tempted to make bad food decisions. Let me tell ya, I could quickly get addicted to Starbucks Frappuccino's. But besides the fact it's an expensive habit and I'm poor, they are also high in calories. Oh, did I tell you we also have a Pizza Hut in the store? And Taco Bell next door? See how easy it is for me to get tempted when I don't have a plan in place? So, I've got today and tomorrow to come up with a plan, because I don't work at Target again until Thursday.

I'm going to the store today to stock back up on my healthy food. Thank goodness that Thanksgiving is over. That is the only time during this season that food is an issue for me. I know I can breeze through Christmas and New Years as long as I don't start baking (and since I don't have time to I'm not worried). I WILL BE UNDER 300 LBS BY NEW YEARS! NO EXCUSES!

I also am CLAIMING the time to blog at least once per day. When I'm blogging, I'm on track. Now...off to the dreaded INBOX...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Being prepared!

Ok, so tonight is my first official night at my new job at Target. Although I'm excited to be moving around and being active while I work, since my shifts range from 4 - 11 p.m., I'm nervous on how I'm going to be able to eat healthy and make good dinner choices. I have Starbucks within Target, Taco Bell next door, and Wendy's across the street, so I decided to find NI so I can make good choices (just in case). My plan is to bring my dinner on days that I know I will get a break. There will be other days (like today) that I won't get a meal break because I'm only scheduled for 4 hours. My plan is to always have a plan! But just in case, I need good choices.

SO, I am armed and ready with the information I need for several choices written in my food journal.

I'm participating in DIETSODADIVA's Holiday Challenge and I'm psyched! I also made some long-term goals in my journal today for weight loss. It looked good to see a plan that would have me under 200 lbs. by January 2010 (worst case scenario/slow loss). Woo HOO!

The damage...

I got back on the scale yesterday, and was at 308.6, which is up two lbs. I'll take it as a slap on the hand for all the bad food I stuffed in my body over a 7 day period. I'm glad it wasn't more. I'm already feeling stronger every day, and I know I'll be able to lose that plus some. I don't feel discouraged, but confident!

This afternoon I report to my first official day at my second job. I'll be working on the sales floor at Target, so I plan on being able to move/walk a lot on the job. The only thing that spooks me is the Starbucks on site. I got hungry during orientation on Saturday and had a Frappuccino (Sp?). It ended up being 8 pts! But I did see that they had light versions available for most of their drinks.

Later!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Picking up where I left off...

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since my last post. I fell off the wagon. I didn't just fall off the wagon, I fell off it, then was dragged with my face in the ground for about 6 days.

Looking back, I guess I should have saw it coming. It started with one bad meal, then another, and another, until I was out of control. Each day I would wake up and resolve to do better, but would get off track by lunch time. It started with pizza, then led into cake and cookies. It was uncontrollable, and I was weak and dizzy from the sugar high. But I knew it couldn't continue. I wouldn't let myself stay in that condition, because that's not who I am anymore.

I got on the scale yesterday, and the damage was minimal. Since I completely skipped WI and WW last Monday, I will officially post my WI tomorrow. I have been back on track since Thursday, and I feel strong again. I made good choices at the grocery today, even though the little devil in my head was trying to convince me the crescent rolls were a good idea. Yeah, they're only 2 pts each, but I knew I just can't stop at one.

So I made a good recipe (it's posted in my recipe link), and expect to end the day well. I also made a point-friendly dessert, but haven't posted it yet because I want to try it first. I don't ever post recipes until I've tried them and like them.

I started a second job yesterday (Target), so I plan to continue on with my job at the school and my education plans. Although I am planning to transfer to a local school in the Spring instead of the online classes. And my husband got a job! He starts tomorrow, so I'm hopeful that he'll put forth the effort to do well.

I also wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who read this blog. I thought about you all every day, and felt guilty that I was purposely avoiding you because I had failed. But I remembered that this is a journey, and that everyone falls. I am picking myself up, though, so I can keep going with you guys!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Day 74 - Eating out

I guess you can say I failed the eating out test (if there is one). Today when Clyde picked me up from work, he said he wanted to go out to eat. Well, since Applebee's has the Weight Watcher's menu, and since we thought that kids eat free, we decided to go there. I can't remember the last time we went out to eat. I think it was back in May/June when we got our stimulus check. We just don't have the money, and even if we did I still don't think it's worth it. But since we made a lot of money on eBay this weekend, and since I guess Clyde was feeling generous, I agreed.

Well, we got there and nothing on the WW menu looked good to me. I'd already tried a couple of the entrees in the past, and I didn't like them, so I decided to go with something I'd been wanting. So, I ordered a riblet basket (hey, I used to get the whole platter). The fries were good, but the riblets tasted terrible so I didn't eat them all. But I wasn't mad about it, because this is a treat, right? It's not like I eat like this all the time, or even have the opportunity to. What was a splurge was the dessert I shared with Clyde. But it was GOOD!

I'm going to Applebees.com to see if I can figure out how bad I did. I had 22 points left for the day, and I just did 53 minutes on the elliptical, so I probably won't have to dip too far into my WAP's. Oh, and after dinner I WALKED to Wal-mart and had Clyde meet me over there. It was such a pleasant evening weather-wise. But like I said, I'm not mad or upset. It was a treat, and this is a lifestyle. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't be deprived, because the minute I feel deprived I know I won't be able to stick with it. Deprivation = diet, and I'm NOT on a DIET!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Yes We Can!

I am so happy! All Americans are experiencing history history right now. As an American, I can't tell you how proud it makes me to know that after all this time, our country has put aside racial differences to elect a candidate that will bring about the change we need. As an African American, I take great pride in knowing that after hundreds of years of oppression, it is now possible for a black man to become the most powerful leader in the world. As an African American WOMAN, seeing Michelle Obama and the beautiful Obama girls in the White House makes me so emotional. I can now truthfully tell my children that the sky is the limit to what they can succeed. This is a proud day for me, and for our country.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Day 71 - Weigh In!

I weighed in at 306.6 this morning! Woo HOO! That's a 2.4 lb. loss from last week. I actually made it through Halloween weekend without a gain, which is HUGE for me. My children actually did not go Trick-or-treating, so there was no tempting candy at my house at all. My 11 yr old said she was too old, my 8 yr old son just didn't want to go, and my 2 year old freaked out when she realized she actually had to WEAR her costume. So instead I ordered pizza and rented movies. It was a good deal!

I also EXERCISED this weekend. I did 46 minutes on the elliptical on Saturday and 55 minutes on the elliptical yesterday. I downloaded some new music on my IPOD and it really motivated me to get moving. Both days I got on the elliptical with a 20 minute goal, and just kept going until I was either tired or ran out of water. I was in a zone. And both days I felt so good afterward. I think I'm going to go back to exercising in the evening, because I slept like a ROCK this weekend after working out and getting a good shower.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Who's that girl?

"Who is this lady with A.J.?" That's what I asked myself as I was looking through some old pictures I found on some CD-ROM's yesterday. I was looking back through some old vacation pics from 2005 (before I had baby #3 and gained all my weight back). I was flipping through and came across this picture that I don't remember ever seeing before. I know the little boy is my son at age 4 because I recognize the building (which was his preschool), but I can't figure out who the lady is walking with him. I know it's not his teacher, so I was almost disturbed at this photo with some random woman. As I sat here staring at the picture, racking my brain, I realized it was ME! Who? ME! I was wearing a size XL sweater from NY&CO and a pair of size 18 Levi's. And heels. I used to wear heels every day because I felt sexy when I wore heels, and I think they made my legs look thinner.

While I'm at it, I might as well show you a few more pictures of me from back in 2004/2005. I was about a size 18 in all of these pics, weighing about 230 - 240 lbs.


These pictures represent the "me" that I want to get back to. Some people might consider 240 lbs or a size 18 to be fat, but this was the smallest that I'd ever been in my adult life. Besides this time, the last time I wore a size 18 was in 8th grade! At this point, I had lost 100 lbs, so I was very comfortable in my skin because in my mind I'd achieved greatness. I mean, I was shopping in "regular" stores. I could wear an 18 without a "W" next to it. My self-confidence was through the roof, and I was still losing! I have no doubt that I could have kept going and got to my goal weight then if I'd not got pregnant.

But that was then, and this is now, and I WILL make it to goal this time thanks to the miracle of tubal ligation! No more babies for me! No more excuses!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Day 67 - SPANX

I am SO excited this morning. I am wearing a pair of size 24 slacks and a SPANX!

A little bit of back story...
Last summer (2007) my family went on a 10-day vacation to Florida. It was a really big thing - Tallahassee to see the in-laws, then to Orlando for Disney/Universal/SeaWorld, and then to St. Petersburg to the beach. Before we left, I went on a Lane Bryant shopping spree for nice clothes to wear, and while I was there I purchased my first SPANX. I bought the biggest size, but it still didn't fit! But since I needed it for certain outfits, I spent about 30 minutes on two different occasions stuffing my size 26/28 body into, sweating and huffing and puffing the whole time! I was so disgusted with it, I threw it in my bottom drawer when I came home and swore to never wear it again. About 2 or 3 times since then I have dug it out of the drawer and tried to put it on again, only to be covered in sweat and out of breath when I got it on, and then it was too uncomfortable to wear.

Last year around Thanksgiving, I went on Michael Thurmond's Six Week Body Makeover (which is a long name for crash diet). I lost about 15 lbs and went shopping and bought a size 24 pair of slacks and two size 22/24 blouses that I just knew I was going to be able to wear throughout the winter. Well, I wore each piece about one time. It took me about one week to gain back the 15 lbs I lost, so the clothes were too small. This morning, I took that pair of slacks out of the closet and tried them on and they fit! But, they're knit, so every dimple in my thighs were showing. So when I was digging in my bottom drawer for a girdle, I found the dreaded SPANX. I thought, "Hey, I'm gonna try it on just for the fun of it." And guess what???? IT FITS! It went right up like it's supposed to! No sweat, no tears, no heavy breathing!

When I put the slacks back on, they looked great! I was so psyched! Now I see why everyone loves SPANX. I look like I've lost at least another 5 - 10 lbs, and my clothes look great! I was back on plan yesterday, and this triumph this morning has really given me the boost I need to stay there! I am so close to being out of the 300's I can TASTE it.

And I got some more good news on the financial front. I still haven't found a job, but my husband listed all of his cycling clothes on Ebay yesterday and he has bids and watchers on everything. If he sells everything, he'll make at least $500. AND, we have also figured out a way to pay our mortgage this month. So thank you for all the prayers and well wishes that have been sent our way!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Macaroni Pie

I posted a recipe for Macaroni Pie on my recipe page. It was very good.

I have been successful at getting back on plan today. I did not get on the elliptical, but I spent over an hour continuously cleaning my house when I got home. I also plan on having more sex tonight, and Rosie says I can count activity points for that!

Day 66 - Confessions

Okay, I woke up this morning feeling guilty. I messed up BIG TIME last night, and my first instinct was to keep it a secret. I blew it for the first time since re-committing myself to this journey 66 days ago. Thanks to WAP's, I'm still probably "on plan" as far as WW goes, but I still feel as if I lost control. So I am confessing my sins to all of you, publicly, so that I can hold myself accountable.

1. I got tipsy last night. I had a Mai Tai and I don't know how many calories or points it cost me.
2. After some hot, alcohol induced sex with my husband, I was hungry and ate a bowl of cereal. I didn't measure it, but had a good idea of the points value.
3. I then proceeded to eat some Vienna Sausages. GROSS! OMG, what was I thinking! Had to be the liquor.
4. Since I was up so late and had a mini hangover, I did not get up to exercise this morning.

Okay. That's it. I'm not asking for sympathy or someone to tell me it's okay. I fell off the wagon, and I am already back on it. And I am also going to make it my business to make sure it doesn't happen again (not the sex part). I will not allow myself to let stress take away my resolve to lose weight and get healthy.

Wow, confession is good for the soul. I feel better already!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Day 65 - Emotional Eating

I feel like crap today. Emotionally, that is.

One think that I really haven't had to tackle so far in this journey is emotional eating. It has been a major problem in the past, but for the first 50 - 60 days of this journey, things in my life have been going pretty good. I like my job, my family, and classes. Everything was peachy, and then my life started sliding down hill...fast.

First of all, we're broke. My husband hasn't worked since the beginning of June. He was hurt on the job, and as soon as it was time for him to return to work, they fired him. It is damned near impossible for my husband to find employment because he is a convicted felon. It doesn't matter if that felony happened when he was 18 (he's 36 now). No one will give him a chance. Although I know he has been trying, it is still frustrating as hell to me that he's not working. It is seriously damaging our relationship. We want to get a divorce, but we can't afford it! We can't even afford to separate! Needless to say, home life is beginning to get unbearable. We fight and argue all the time, and never have anything nice to say to each other.

Now we are facing losing our home. We have depleted all of our savings and resources and have nothing. And to top it off, our main source of transportation is broke down, and we can't afford to get it fixed. So we're having to use one car, a 1988 Crown Victoria. I pray every day the car will just last until we can get the truck fixed. Which won't be soon, I'm afraid, since I only make $600 every other week at my job and that barely covers utilities and gas for the car. Oh, did I mention that it has been between 30 - 50 degrees this week and we have no heat? It costs $280 to get the gas turned on, and we don't have that either. So it's cold in our house, and I have three kids who don't understand why we can't just turn the heat on.

The only solution that I can see to this problem is getting a second job, or another job altogether. The reason why I'm working this low-paying teacher assistant job is because I am in school to get my Master's in Special Education. This job is giving me on-the-job experience, and is also counting toward my college credit. It was also intended for me to work here to get my foot in the door with the school system, so that by this summer I'll have the college credits and experience needed to start teaching on an alternative license. At least that was the plan before my husband lost his job. Now I am devastated because I know that plan will most likely not happen. Since I am the one in the marriage with the degree and clean background, it is going to be up to me to get us back on our feet.

So now I'm looking for a job that I don't want. Ideally, I would love to find a second job where I can work evenings and weekends to supplement my income from the day job. That way I can keep my job at the school and complete my Master's and still have the shot at teaching next school year. But if I can't find a second job within the next week or so, then I'm going to have to quit the school job and get another 8 - 5 job that pays more. I don't have a choice right now. It's either that, or lose my home and not be able to provide for my children.

But not only am I facing the fact that I might have to ditch my dream of being a teacher 8 months before it might come to fruition, but I am also going to have to make a serious decision about my marriage. Right now, I just don't know if it can survive the disappointment and bitterness I will feel if I have to give up my dreams. Like I said, I know my husband has tried to get a job, but I know he has not given it his 100%. More like 70%. He doesn't like to work, and puts too much effort into finding the next "get rich quick" scheme. He's a dreamer, and I'm a realist, and times are hard.

All this story just so you can understand where I'm at right now, and how I think I am battling emotional eating. At first I thought it was PMS, then I thought it may be TOM that was causing the uncontrollable urge to eat things that are bad for me. But last night after crying my eyes out and feeling like I was at the end of my rope, I realized that it may have something to do with how unhappy my life is right now. The only thing that gives me any joy right now is my children, and I'm trying so hard to be happy in front of them. But I'm not. I am miserable. I want to crawl under a rock and stay there until I have enough money in the bank to pay my mortgage and turn my heat on. But I can't. I have to deal with this. And I have to do it without using food for comfort.

But how do I do that? Honestly, I don't think I've ever tried! Food has always been my friend and comforter during the bad times! Of course it's never made my problems go away, but it's still been there. I've never once wanted a substitute. But now I do. I do not want to eat my problems away. I want to get healthy and lose weight, and that is my priority right now. In a crazy life where it seems like everything is out of my control, my weight is the one thing that I have a grasp on. And I don't want to lose that grasp. I'm desperate to maintain it. So now, on top of everything else, I'm trying to learn how to change bad habits.

One thing that has seem to work are books. I've been reading A LOT in the past few weeks. Hell, I've read 5 novels since Friday! I don't eat when I read, and reading allows me to dive into someone else's life, if for only a brief time. Someone else's blog reminded me today that exercise is also good for improving your mood. I haven't exercised in almost two weeks, so I definitely need to get back on track with that. It has just been so COLD in my house that it's hard to leave the warmth of my covers. But I promise to try. The truth is, I'll do anything I can to maintain the momentum that has allowed me to lose 24 lbs. forever. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. This time is different. Failure is not an option.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Day 64 - Weigh In Day

Wow, this weekend should have been a disaster. I was weak and brought home a store-bought carrot cake on Saturday. I cut a piece, ate half, then threw the rest away because it didn't taste very good. I counted the points for it, and planned the rest of the day accordingly to stay within points. I was very proud of myself. Any other time, a cake incident would have sent me to Binge City for the rest of the day.

So, then I started yesterday off with a huge breakfast. Way too much food, but again, I counted every point. Then I was tempted by the carrot cake again, but threw it in the garbage. I ate a sensible dinner, but the day ended with me not feeling very good about my food choices. I journaled and accounted for everything, but still. TOM is still here, so I just feel BLAH about everything. And I guess I knew that WI this morning was going to be a depressing experience, which might have had something to do with my less than controlled eating this weekend.

But surprisingly, I didn't show a gain this morning. I weighed in at 309, which is .2 down from last week's morning WI and the same as last week's WW WI. I stepped on the scale three different times to make sure it was right. I ALWAYS gain when TOM is here. And I especially DESERVE a gain after my eating this weekend. I'm sure it will catch up with me, but I'm going to try everything in my power to make it disappear before next week's WI. I want that 25 lb. prize!

Friday, October 24, 2008

October 24, 2008 - 8 weeks

OK...this is me 61 days into my journey (8 weeks). I've lost 24 lbs. and weigh 309 lbs.
This is a comparison with my four-week pic...I think I should re-do with the same clothes?
Ok, I went and changed clothes so that I could compare. Sorry for the re-do!
Honestly, I can't tell any difference between the four-week and the eight-week either way, but I know I will in a few months!

Day 61 - TGIF!

Happy Friday! I'm happy, despite the fact that my hopes for getting my 25 lb. prize on Monday are probably dashed. TOM came last night, and I'm sure it will mess me up for WI on Monday. But I'm going to try not to let it bother me. I'm wearing a pair of size 24 jeans that are not tight at all! This is great, considering that they were tight a few weeks ago. Also, since I can remember, TOM has been a time of unbearable BLOAT and puffiness. I could usually tell it was coming because my pants would start getting tighter a few days beforehand. But losing weight is obviously helping in this area, which I'm very pleased about! I've heard that drinking water can help prevent bloating, so maybe that's it?

It's raining cats and dogs today, but I'm hoping it will be clear tomorrow and Sunday so I can get some walking in. I haven't exercised at all this week:( My goal is to get back in the swing of things next week to start waking up early and getting on the elliptical.

TTFN

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I've been tagged!

I've been tagged by Skye (http://skye-lynn.blogspot.com/) to list six interesting facts about myself. Here goes nothin'!

1. I'm mixed kid...but I think the correct word nowadays is "biracial". My mom is white, my dad is black.

2. When I was 4 years old, we were traveling and stopped to eat near an Indian reservation. One of the locals accused my mom of kidnapping me because I was brown-skinned with long pigtails and looked like a little Indian girl!

3. I've been to 46 states. My dad was a truck driver and we used to travel in the big truck with him when I was a child.

4. I am currently enrolled in school and am pursuing my Master's degree in Education.

5. I wrote a novel when I was 8 years old. I came home from school one day and my mom had cleaned out my bedroom and threw it away in the trash can. I plan on writing another book one day...hopefully it won't get tossed in the trash again!

6. Four of my brothers and sisters are old enough to be my parents. I actually have a niece and two nephews that are older than me.

Hope this wasn't too boring. I just realized I'm not very interesting...

Ok...I think I'm supposed to tag four people? I tag Seashore, Amy, Karyn, and Michelle!

Day 59 - Candy!

Arrggh! I got to work this morning, and what do I find? A huge treat bag of Halloween candy on my desk. Do I throw it away? No. Do I give it away to someone? Not right away. This is the first time since starting this journey that I've felt like I almost lost control. I love candy, and it's always a struggle to say no to something you have loved for so long. I've WASTED 9 points so far today on this damned candy, so I gave the rest away to the students in my class. I just want to scream I'm so upset with myself for falling for the bait!

Thanks to Dottie's, I've been able to journal and account for the candy I've eaten, and now it's gone so I can't keep eating it. I've got 18 pts for the rest of the day, so I'm sure I can stay within my points even after this mess up. I've got the rest of my day planned out as far as eating goes. I'm also going to really try to get on the elliptical tonight. I'm not back on a good sleeping schedule, so I've been going to bed WAY too late to get up early to exercise. But I'm working on it, since I know that a.m. exercise works best for me.

I also have a NSV to report...I'm wearing a size 24 pair of slacks, and they are NOT tight at all. Of course, they're a little stretchy (Hampton's from Lane Bryant), but still a 24! I feel silly after complaining about it on Monday, now. But I think one of the reasons that my smaller pants weren't feeling looser was the type of underwear I've been wearing. Back in the summer I'd gotten so big that all of my usual "sexy" underwear were too small, so I went and bought some big cotton underwear from Wal-mart (big-momma panties). I didn't realize until the other day that my panties had gotten so big that I was having to stuff the excess back inside of my pants when I get dressed! So yesterday I pulled out a pair of my "sexy" underwear, and the fit better than ever! And my pants are fitting better, too! I never thought the excess COTTON would have made that big of a difference. I guess because it's so much of it! LOL!

This may sound silly, but just wearing "sexy" panties for the past two days has really boosted my self-confidence! I feel so much better when I look in the mirror because my clothes fall different on my body, and when I walk my class to lunch and don't get winded. It's a great feeling, and very motivating! I'm only 10 lbs away from my first goal of 299 lbs., and I'm going to try my best got get there before Thanksgiving. In my opinion, being under 300 lbs. will be A LOT of motivation to stay on plan during the holidays. I know one thing, when I get under 300 lbs, I'll NEVER go back again!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Vacation Over!

Okay...I'm back to work today - Fall Break is OVER! I'm actually kind of pleased to get back into my routine. Call it being lazy or recharging, but I've been on my BUTT entirely too much! But it's been nice to be able to read and kick back with my kids. I finished the last book in the "Twighlight" series last night, and I must say that it's been a long time since I was sad after finishing a book! I didn't want the story to end! For those who like to read and haven't read them yet, I highly recommend.

Today is my first Weight Watchers meeting since 9/29. I have at-work meetings, so they were put on hold while we were on break. I am pleased that I will be able to report a good loss while we were on break because I stayed on plan. True, I've been lacking in the F/V department, but I've stayed within my points, and only used my WAP's once or twice. I've also journaled EVERY SINGLE DAY for 57 days straight! That's a huge deal for me. Even in the past when I've been successful at WW I didn't journal regularly or stick to my points every single day. I'm actually starting a new notebook today (I use cute/colorful small spiral notebook to journal). It's almost been 8 whole weeks! That just reminded me that it's time to take new progress pics (I will do this every four weeks). I'll do that tonight and post. Although I really don't think there will be a noticeable difference yet...

I want to thank everyone who is following my blog now! I promise that now that I'm in front of a computer all day again I'll get back into the swing of blogging!

Day 57 - Weigh in!

Wow...57 days of continuously making an effort to lose weight and get healthy! I really feel like it's a habit now, and I pray that I can continue to be this strong and steadfast in my journey.

This morning was weigh-in (officially) and I lost 3.6 lbs last week! Yeah! I'm finally under the 310 lb. mark (309.2). I was unsure this morning because I am CONSTIPATED AGAIN! ARRGH! But anyway... I think it's been at least two years (almost three) since I've been here!

One thing that I am frustrated by is that my pants aren't really any looser. My fat stomach is not going ANYWHERE! When I started this journey, I was wearing size 28 pants comfortably, and still some size 26, but they were getting tight. My shirts were a 26/28. Last night I pulled out some size 24's from my winter clothes that were packed away in the garage. I can comfortably wear my size 22/24 shirts, but my size 24 pants are skin tight, so I'm still stuck in size 26's that are still not loose. What gives? I've lost 23.8 lbs...?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Wow...time flies!

I can't believe it's already Friday! Sorry I haven't checked in this week, but I'm still in "recharge" mode. It has been a long time since I've been able to spend so much time with my children, and I'm taking advantage of it. I never like to spend much time on the computer when my children are at home, because our computer is in the den, and it's usually too chaotic to concentrate, anyway. But we've had a lot of fun. I had my "fourth child", Sean, for seven days, and that was nice. I've also been doing a lot of reading...I've read the second and third book in the "Twilight" series since Tuesday. But this week has been full of highs and lows.

Highs:
I'm still totally on plan, even though temptation has crept in several times. I'm staying strong, and continuing to journal and stay within my points. I got past the constipation (I think it did have something to do with not getting the healthy oil and all my fruits and veggies in). I peeked at the scale this morning, and it had me at 309! Woo Hoo! This is the first time I've been under 310 since 2006. I got in a long walk on Tuesday (one hour), and planned another today but got sidetracked (I'll explain that later). Tomorrow should be nice out, and one more long day at the park for walking and letting the kiddos play will be great. Sunday, too.

Lows:
My husband told me this morning that he's sick of me, and as soon as we are financially stable he's leaving me. Our relationship has been stressed for quite some time, and I admit that I am also unhappy. But I know that a divorce will devastate my children. We've been together for nine years, and almost got a divorce in 2005. The story of my marriage is too long for this blog, so I won't hash out the details. But being married to my husband isn't easy. That's why it was a slap in the face for him to put the blame on me. I have not (and will not) eat away my pain as usual. I will stay strong and focused.

Seeing the "309" on the scale this morning made me happy. Only 10 lbs till I reach my first 10% goal and am under the 300 lb mark! NO ONE or NO THING will keep me from reaching that goal. I can do it!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Weigh-in!

I lost 1 lb this week. I'm okay with that, considering the cornbread incident and lack of exercise. AND I'm constipated...what's up with that? I eat more than the DRA of fiber everyday, and drink 8 - 10 glasses of water. Oh, well.

Goals for this week:

1. Get back on the exercise wagon.
2. Eat more f/v.
3. Stay within my points allowance and continue to journal each day.
4. Drink 8 - 10 cups of water each day.

That's it for now!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Day 49 - Recharging

MizFit left a comment on yesterday's blog saying that I'm not lazy, I'm recharging. I like that! Recharging - yeah, that's it!

Well, today was another day of "recharging" for me. I didn't get any formal exercise in, but I did laundry and cleaned house all day. Since I washed and folded at least 10 loads, I think I can pretty much count it as some sort of activity. Especially when I was folding the four sets of sheet - my arms were killing me.

I had a good dinner tonight, too. I posted an easy meatloaf recipe for anyone who wants to look at it.

My BFF called me tonight and told me that she's been diagnosed with fatty liver disease. She had her gallbladder taken out on Tuesday, and apparently the surgeon found the fatty liver during the operation. AND he was a real dick about it. I'm sorry, but when someone is recovering from surgery, it's not a good time for a doctor to make you feel like shit for being overweight (which is what he did). She's going to follow up with her regular doctor to see what the next course of action needs to be. It's obvious that losing weight will help, but how fast isn't clear.

Something I realized while talking to her was that this is the exact reason I don't go to the doctor. I don't have health insurance, so I use that as the excuse. But I know the real reason is that I don't want to hear a doctor belittle me for being so fat. My reasoning is that "I'll go to the doctor after I lose weight." I think I'm pretty healthy, but I know I have a few issues that need to be addressed (like sharp abdominal pains). But I guess I just haven't cared.

I know that sounds bad, and some will think, "how can she not care about her health." Well, not caring about my health has got me to 300+ lbs. Most people don't have any idea about how little I really think of myself in the grand scheme of my life. And I know I'm not alone in that thinking. BUT, that's why I'm here. I am making a conscious effort to care, and to get healthy for good. The first step is getting my eating under control and to lose weight. Everything else will hopefully fall into place after that.

Kalela


Here are a couple of pics of my baby girl, Kalela. She'll be 3 next month, and she is a handful! I'll post pics of my older two when I can pin them down and make them take a picture!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Day 48 - Laziness

When trying to think up a word to sum up the past couple of days for me, lazy pretty much does it. First off, I'd like to point out that I do not consider myself a lazy person. Some people equate fat with lazy, but in my case I don't think so. I'm very busy and never slow down. I have a job, go to school full time, and have three children, a husband, a mother, and a nephew that I'm responsible for. I get up each morning at around 5:30 a.m., and don't go to bed until about 11 p.m. I rarely watch TV (right now it's Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights and presidential coverage on cable news). So yeah, I'm usually not lazy at all. But this week's been different.

As I explained a couple of posts back, I'm on Fall Break this week and next week. I had a game plan of doing a lot of outdoor activities with my children. But on Tuesday, it started raining, and continued to rain for almost three days. So on Wednesday I took my children to the library to get some books, and decided to check out a few for me as well. After all, I love to read, but just never have the time. So I started this book named "Twighlight" by Stephanie Meyers and was hooked in big time. It was a big, thick book, and I read it in about a day. I started reading "One for the Money" by Janet Evanovich yesterday and finished it today. Needless to say, I've put in a lot of time on the couch/recliner and NO time on the elliptical.

BUT, I'm okay with this. This is vacation, right? I DESERVE to relax with a good book. I'm off my schedule, but besides not exercising I've been totally on plan as far as points go. I did have Jiffy skillet cornbread two days in a row, and it was really high in points. It was too good the first day, so I decided to make the last box the second day to get it out for the house (I know, an excuse). But even with it I was totally within my points for both days. AND I've been journaling faithfully. So I still have control of my eating, which is GREAT considering how time off at home has gone in the past.

So today was very nice outside, so I took the kiddos to the park. I walked one mile before I ran into an old friend and her sister. We talked for a LONG time, so I never got the second mile in I intended b/c the kiddos were ready to go home. I felt good getting some sort of activity in, though. If the weather holds, we'll go back tomorrow and hopefully I can walk 2-3 miles with no interruption. Or pain. Did I mention my knee and ankle on my left side were hurting?

I peeked at the scale this morning, and it reflected my cornbread eating and inactivity. I've only lost .4 so far this week. Even more incentive to reel my ass in and get back on track.

Now I've vented, so I'm off to catch up on my fellow bloggers to see how their week has gone!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Checking in...

I just wanted to quickly check in...I'm still here and haven't fell off the wagon!

I LOVE to read, just never have the time. So I take my kiddos to the library yesterday, and check out a book called TWILIGHT by Stephanie Meyer. I work in a middle school, and all the teachers have been raving about it. OMG! I have been stuck in this novel for the past 30 hours. I only had 4 hours of sleep last night, and have read at every available moment today to get finished (it's about 600 pages). I'm hooked, and can't wait to get back to the library for the rest of the series.

I'll try my best go get caught up tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Day 44 - Obesity


For those who know me well, it is a common fact that my mother and I have a love/hate relationship. I love her to the ends of the earth, but my mother is one of those people who does things that make you question if she can love at all. I know she loves me, but a lot of things that happened in our past has made me question it. And a lot of those bad memories have to do with being overweight and ridiculed for it. Thing is, my mom is overweight, too. She's only 5'2" and weighs close to 300 lbs. At 74 years old, it's killing her. A few years back, she lost about 80 lbs, but over the last several months she has gained it back...fast.

Today I took my mother to the doctor. It really bothers me to see how much weight she has gained, and how it is affecting her quality of life. Getting in my Suburban is a chore. And she complains constantly of aches and pains that I know are weight related. Her doctor gave her SIX SHEETS of prescription medication today. SIX! With at least 3 medicines to each sheet, that's about 18 different medications. Her health problems range from diabetes, to high blood pressure, to arthritis, to high cholesterol...you name it, she's got it. I practically had to beg her to make this doctor's appointment because she was out of her meds. It's like she doesn't care anymore. But since she is raising my 11 year old nephew, she HAS to care.

So, on the way to the doctor's appointment while my mother was rambling on as she does, I was thinking about obesity and how many people DIE of illnesses that are directly related to obesity. I VOW not to be one of those people. I am only 32, and now is the time for me to get my ass in gear. I'm the healthiest woman over 300 lbs you'll ever meet, and I am so thankful for that. If I continue my healthy lifestyle, hopefully I won't have as many weight-related illnesses as my mom has, if any at all. When I'm 74, I want to run around and play with my grandkids!

To drive the point home, when we got into the doctors office, there was another woman sitting there that weighed at least 500 lbs. She could barely walk, and grunted with every step she took. I NEVER want to be there!

I am so thankful that I have been given a chance to get my HEALTH in gear while I'm still young. I watched my mother yo-you diet for the duration of my childhood (slim fast, diet pills, laxatives, starvation). But never once did she talk about eating healthy or exercising (well, she did make ME do Richard Simmons when I was in elementary school). I want to set an example to my children, and show them that being healthy is a lot more than being thin or losing weight the WRONG way, so that they will grow up and lead healthy lives and set a good example for their children. The obesity tradition in my family is going to end with ME!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Weigh-in!

The scale was nice to me this morning...I lost 1.8 lbs! For a grand total of 19.2 lbs since 8/25/08.

My goals this week:

More f/v - I need to eat at least 5 a day and I haven't been.
Continue to exercise 4 times per week for at least 30 minutes at a time.
Continue to drink at least 8 glasses of water per day.
Continue to track/journal my food every day.

It's another gorgeous day in Tennessee. I'm off to get dressed and make my children do the same so we can spend some time outside!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Day 42 - Craziness

Wow, what a crazy weekend. Yesterday was a total bust. Friday night when I want to bed, I was very achy, so I took a pain killer and went to bed. My husband woke me up Saturday morning with breakfast in bed (FiberOne pancakes and low-cal syrup). My husband does NOT cook, so this was very nice coming from him. After I ate, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I felt like i had a hangover. So a laid back down and went to sleep...until almost 2 p.m! WTF! I woke up with cotton mouth and cobwebs in my head. The rest of my day pretty much went downhill from there. I just mostly sat in the recliner for the rest of the day and went to bed early because I still felt woosy.

But, the good thing is that I ate within my points and got all my water in. I woke up this morning feeling MUCH better. But then my husband proceeds to erase any of the good feelings I had about him by being an asshole. I told him that I wanted to go for a walk at the park, and he started a speech about how I should just walk around the yard (we live on 1.5 acres). Well, I told him I didn't want to walk around the yard, I wanted to go to the park. Then he starts yelling about how stupid it is that I want to walk at the park and yada yada yada. He ended up apologizing, and I ended up walking 3 miles at the park.

I think my husband is a the jealousy stage of my weight loss. For the past 42 days, I'm getting smaller and he's getting bigger. But it still pisses me off that he should be encouraging me at this point instead of trying to sabatoge me by making me an emotional wreck. We have SO much going on in our marriage without adding to it. I pray that next week will be better.

I'm off to find a recipe for dinner tonight!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Day 40 - TGIF - I think?

It is such a beautiful day in Tennessee! The weather is PERFECT, and I'm wishing I'd brought my tennis shoes to work so I could go for a walk when I leave. Today is the day I've been waiting for....the last day of school before Fall Break! Woo Hoo! 14 whole days until I have to come back to work! 14 whole days of loungin' around the house and chillin' out with my kids! AND, I get paid for it! Can't beat it right? Well, now I don't know. I'm gettin' nervous.

I know so many people struggle with weekends. But this go-round, weekends haven't been hard at all. I actually find that I do quite well. See, we're BROKE, so going out to eat isn't a concern. AND we don't party or have any friends to hang out with, so there's no temptation there. We just hang out around the house. I usually do a little gardening and a lot of house cleaning, but that's pretty much it. But I'm now beginning to wonder how it's going to be to have a 14-day weekend?

See, during the week my days are pretty scheduled. Wake up, exercise, coffee on the way to work, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, bedtime. My body is used to breakfast/coffee at 7 a.m., lunch at 11 a.m., afternoon snack at 3 p.m., dinner between 5 and 6 p.m. That routine is working for me, so I'm afraid that too much "off" time is gonna be a challenge. AND to top it off, we won't have a WW at Work meeting until we come back from break (skipping two weeks). But the good news on that tip is that I can find another meeting in the area and go to that one instead. I don't think there's one on Monday, but I think there's one on Tuesday afternoon. I need to check into that...

BUT - one thing I've learned over the past few weeks is that I have control of what I eat. And the what I need to concentrate on is that in a true lifestyle change, I'm going to have to control what I eat no matter what my schedule is (or isn't). That's all part of changing for the better, right?

I'm going to plan on taking advantage of this beautiful weather to do a lot of walking at the park with my kids. I mean, the real reason I am working at the school (for practically minimum wage) is so I CAN have this time with my children when they're out on breaks. So I'm determined that I'm going to make the best of it, and not let FOOD deter me from my plan. I can do this! Yeah, I really can:)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Day 39 - Cheating?

I can remember vividly how excited I would get on the day of my weekly Weight Watcher's meeting. Yeah, I was excited about seeing whether or not I'd lost weight that week, but I was also excited because it was CHEAT DAY! You know, you fast until WI, then eat everything in sight for the rest of the day. It's the end of your WW week, and the slate is wiped clean the next day when you start over. I've talked to others at meetings who did/do the same thing, so I know I wasn't alone.

Since I've restarted this journey with WW, I've abolished CHEAT DAY. It wasn't something I'd planned, just something that happened. Why cheat, if you're not on a diet? On WW, you are allowed to eat anything you want in moderation, as long as you stick within your daily point range. So instead of going into it with a diet mentality, I decided when I started WW on 8/25 that I was going to follow the plan, but allow myself anything I wanted. No deprivation. I know that's the only way I can stick to this for the rest of my life. So after my first WI, I didn't feel inclined to go crazy on ice cream and pizza. I just didn't want it.

I've been reading blogs on weight loss, and I still read about people who have CHEAT DAYS, or who reward weight loss with food. Isn't that defeating the purpose a little? I've decided that when I do that, I'm only cheating myself. If this is truly a lifestyle, then I have to get to a point where I have a healthy relationship with food. I will not use food as a reward, and I will not use the scale as an excuse to binge. That is the "old" me.

I have three children. My oldest, who is my 11 year old daughter, struggles with her weight. She is not fat by any means, but if I let her have her way with food she would be. I look at her, and I remember how fat I was at her age, and how ruthless kids were as they made fun of me. I NEVER want her to know what that feels like. So I limit portions and the availability of junk food in the house. I also try to encourage physical activity for all of my children. We have a huge yard, and I make them play in it. But my eating habits affect my children, especially my daughter. Several times I have found food wrappers and soda cans in her closet, so I know she is sneaking the food I won't let her eat. This just kills me, because I know it's my fault. But what kind of example have I been setting for her? I need to practice what I preach.

The only way I can teach my children how to have a healthy relationship with food, is to have one myself. If I eat my veggies and live an active lifestyle, they will, too. I pray that it's not too late to set a good example for my daughter. My other two children are younger, and if I have it my way they will never remember that their mommy was ever fat and miserable. They will only know a healthy mommy, who cooked nutritious meals and took long walks with them. I now realize that by cheating myself, I'm cheating them, too.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Day 38 - Epiphany!

Definition:

1. sudden realization: a sudden intuitive leap of understanding, especially through an ordinary but striking occurrence.

Today I had an epiphany. I was reading a blog on the Blog to Lose website, and a blogger was discussing self-hate. Boy, I could really identify with what she was saying. I've been through periods in my life where I've hated myself, and felt like everyone else felt the same way. I can't describe how depressing it is when you believe that no one in the world loves you, not even your family and children. I have been suicidal, just as recently as several months ago. Life just seemed unbearable because no one loved me. Then one day reality slapped me in the face -- how in the hell could anyone love me when I didn't love myself.

I avoid mirrors, because often when I glance at my reflection, I am disgusted at what I see. The day I discovered in the Women's bathroom at my school that I had two chins I sat back down on the toilet and cried for five minutes. I have trained myself to not look myself in the eye when I am near a mirror or getting dressed in front of one. That's just what I do.

When I heard they were doing Weight Watcher's meetings at my school for faculty, I was excited, but a little pessimistic. Yeah, I wanted to lose weight, but I've tried WW three other times and failed in the past three years. What's gonna make this time different? With some self-reflection, I decided to JUST DO IT. It couldn't hurt, right? Somewhere along the way since then, something has CLICKED.

I guess it happened after that first time I felt the urge to binge and suppressed it. I was so proud of myself, and a little shocked at how easy it was. Then I began to start thinking about GOAL, and how HOT I'm gonna look and how SEXY I'm gonna feel. Every time I feel the urge to binge, I put those thoughts in my head and it helps. So, now, I try to keep those positive thoughts in my head because I LIKE the way it makes me feel. Do you know how much easier it is to say "no" to a candy bar when you are able to honestly admit that it really doesn't taste that good, and you'd be so much healthier without it in your life? I've NEVER felt this way, not even back in '03 and '04 when I lost weight. I can honestly say that I love myself enough to do get healthy this time. I love myself enough to make better choices and to journal my food each day. I love myself enough to get up at 5 a.m. to exercise. I love myself so much that I will not get discouraged and give up on ME!

I love myself - there, I said it. And I know I have lots of people who love me, too. With this knowledge, I will make it this time. I've never been so certain of something in a long time...

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Day 37

I started my day with 20 minutes on the elliptical. I kept hitting snooze on the alarm clock, but finally dragged my butt out of bed. I figured that 20 minutes was better than nothing, then I giggled because I couldn't believe it was ME that was saying that! I've never rationalized in FAVOR of exercise before.

I just had dinner, and it felt a little TOO indulgent, but it was SOOO good. I posted the recipe for the pasta sauce I made, only 2 pts per serving. What got me was the large amount of pasta I dumped on my plate. I measured it out, and had enough points, but mentally I knew it was too much. But it was good! I've journaled it and will move on. It just feels like I'm doing something "bad" when I know I'm eating more than a portion. But again, I have plenty of points and knew I would be okay, but still...

For those of you who don't know, I am currently taking online classes towards a Master's degree in Special Education. I'm taking one class at a time, and the last day of this class is Monday. Well, guess who finished up her last three assignments and turned them in EARLY today! That frees up a lot of time for ME, and I like it! I also am excited that I only have three more days of work this week before we get out for Fall break. That's two whole weeks of vacation! I plan on doing a lot of walking since the weather here in TN promises to be nice.

I'm off to bed, so maybe I can wake up in time to get my whole 30 min. of exercise in the morning.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Day 36 - WI Day!

Ok...lot's to talk about! Sorry I didn't check in yesterday, but I had a good excuse!

First things first...today was WI and I was down 4.8 lbs! Woo Hoo! So, I lost the slight gain from last week, and it took some friends with it! I'm officially down 17.4 lbs, and I'm so happy about that. My pants are feeling loose, my mood and energy level have improved.

I think I can definitely attribute some of my loss to the exercise I've done this week. I had three mornings on the elliptical, and I walked on both Saturday and Sunday this weekend. Yesterday was great! I loaded up two of my children and my nephew, and we set out to the park in Lebanon to walk. There's a great nature trail, and the two 11 year olds love to go walking on it. When I walk at the park, I usually just stick to the track, which one lap around is 1 mile. If you go through the nature trail, it's two miles. Since I've worked up my activity level, I knew I could make it for two miles, so off we go!

The end of the nature trail ends at a train depot, and normally you just turn around and head back to the park. But the kids wanted to check out the train depot, so we walked down to it. I felt tired, but like I could still go some more, so I suggested that we go down another street (off the trail) into a residential neighborhood, and go on an "adventure". An "adventure" it was. We ended up walking to a main street in the town (with no sidewalks), then having to cross over a busy intersection to get back to a shortcut that would put us back on the trail. But we made it, and it was so much fun! By the time we got back to the park, we had been walking for 65 minutes. I felt like passing out, but I felt such a sense of accomplishment!

I exercised 5 days this week, and it was not a chore at all. Like I said before, I usually DREAD exercise, and at my weight, it's tough. But I'm TRYING, and so far succeeding at it. Along with eating right, exercise is making me the healthy woman I long to be.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Dorito Casserole Recipe

Here's what we're having for dinner tonight. My family LOVES this!

Ingredients:

7 oz. baked Doritos, nacho cheese flavor
1 lb. lean ground beef
1 can 98% FF cream of mushroom soup
1 can Rotel, drained
2 cups 2% shredded Mexican Cheese
1 pkt. Taco Seasoning (low sodium)

Directions:

Brown ground beef then add taco seasoning, cream of mushroom soup, and Rotel tomatoes. Crush Doritos and pour half into a 9x13 casserole dish sprayed with Pam, then add a layer of the meat mixture, then half the cheese, another layer of chips, then meat mixture and finish off with cheese. Bake at 350-degrees for 30 minutes.

Number of Servings: 8
  • Calories: 308.1
  • Total Fat: 12.8 g
  • Cholesterol: 36.6 mg
  • Sodium: 671.9 mg
  • Total Carbs: 24.3 g
  • Dietary Fiber: 2.4 g
  • Protein: 20.1 g
  • 7 WW pts

Friday, September 26, 2008

Day 32 - Exercise

Ok...I guess you can officially say this is my first week of exercise while I've been on the WW plan. I have a confession...I HATE exercise. The thought of it makes me out of breath. But I know it's just one of those things I have to do while I'm on this journey to be successful. So I started Sunday with a two mile walk, and have woke up early three times so far this week to get on the elliptical. And you know what...it hasn't been so bad. Now, I'm the same person who just admitted to hating exercise. But let me tell ya...I also hate waking up early. So waking up and exercise usually isn't an option for me.

Let me tell you what's different this time. I REALLY WANT to lose weight and get healthy. There's something "different" about this journey...I've been saying that all along. So instead of being all negative about waking up early and exercising, I really don't mind so much. I certainly FEEL better after it's done, and I feel better about myself because I know I'm making a positive change in my life. And like another blogger I was reading said yesterday, it's all about your attitude. I don't want to be one of those people who only exercises because they have to. I want to be one of those people who LOVE to exercise because how it makes my body look and feel.

Tomorrow is my town's mile long yard sale (it's really about 50+ miles long) and it runs along the highway I live on. I plan on participating in the yard sale, but at some point I'm gonna make my husband take over so I can walk up and down the highway and get some activity in (and maybe even some shopping!).

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Hollie's Chicken Salad Recipe

Hollie's Chicken Salad

This is a little something I put together for dinner tonight, and it was sooo good! I ate mine with bread for a sandwich, but I think I might try it over some lettuce for lunch tomorrow. This recipe makes a lot - as most of mine do. But I have a family of five to feed, and I always try to have leftovers for lunch the next day. I buy chicken breast halves when they're on sale, then put a pack in the crockpot so it can cook all day while I'm at work. Then I can have diced or shredded chicken breast whenever I need it.

Ingredients
1-1/2 lbs. cooked boneless, skinless chicken breast
1/2 c. chopped pecans
1 c. green pepper
1 c. diced apples
1 c. diced grapes
9 tbs. Kraft Miracle Whip

Directions:
Basically, just combine ingredients and serve! Best if prepared the night before you plan to eat it so all the flavors have a chance to mesh together.

Nutritional Info
  • Servings Per Recipe: 10
  • Amount Per Serving: about 1 cup
  • Calories: 170.0
  • Total Fat: 8.0 g
  • Cholesterol: 39.4 mg
  • Sodium: 134.8 mg
  • Total Carbs: 8.3 g
  • Dietary Fiber: 1.2 g
  • Protein: 16.5 g
  • 4 WW pts.

Creamy Chicken Enchiladas

Creamy Chicken Enchiladas

I got this recipe from a fellow Weight Watcher, Kristin (www.shoutinfromtherooftop.com). This recipe is SOOO GOOD! My family requests this all the time. You could lighten this up even more if you used Fat Free tortillas and fat free sour cream!

Ingredients:
10 1/2 oz 98% Fat-Free Cream Of Chicken Soup, (1 can)
1 cup Salsa
2 tsp chili powder
2 cup cooked chicken breast
1 cup light sour cream
10 Mission flour tortillas
8 oz Kraft 2% Milk Natural Cheese Mexican four cheese shredded

Directions:
Mix soup, sour cream, salsa, and chili powder. Mix 1 cup of salsa mixture with chicken and cheese. Spread about 1/4 cup of chicken mixture down the center of each tortilla and roll. Place in 9×13 baking dish. Pour remaining salsa mixture on top of enchiladas. Cover with foil. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 or until hot and bubbly. Top with chopped tomatoes & green onions if desired..


Nutritional Info
  • Servings Per Recipe: 10
  • Amount Per Serving
  • Calories: 323.9
  • Total Fat: 10.8 g
  • Cholesterol: 50.0 mg
  • Sodium: 991.5 mg
  • Total Carbs: 30.9 g
  • Dietary Fiber: 1.8 g
  • Protein: 23.0 g
  • 7 WW pts each

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Day 29

ok...guess who woke up at 5:30 a.m. to exercise? ME! Last night, I made up my mind to do it, and I did! I set the clock at 5 a.m., but ended up getting up at 5:30, and was on the elliptical by 5:40. I got in 20 minutes, and it totally kicked my butt! But I felt so good today. It even seemed like I had more energy, and was less hungry. Maybe all those articles I read that spewed all the benefits of morning exercise was actually telling the truth!

Well, it's 9:30 p.m., and if I'm gonna wake up at 5 a.m. I'd better get to bed! That's one think I don't deprive myself of...sleep. I love sleep...it's quite possibly my favorite part of the day. I feel happy when I'm putting on my nightgown and climbing into bed. Crazy, I know, but true!

Let's see what tomorrow holds!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Day 28 - Weigh-in

Today was WI, and like I predicted, it was disappointing. I gained 1.6 according to my scale, and 1.4 according to Weight Watcher's scale. I was prepared for the gain, but it still sucks. It especially sucks because I stayed on plan and did everything I was supposed to do. I'm holding on to hope that next week will be better, after Mother Nature goes away for another month. But the thing I am happy about is my overall change in attitude. Any other time that I've tried to lose weight, something like an undeserved gain would have sent me into a binge mode. I would have said f*** it, and would have pigged out. I might have even quit altogether. But now I am not depending on the scale for victory. I know I am making positive changes, and I know I will see results because of that.

Another decision I made today is to start getting up early to exercise. I've tried to do this before with no luck, but I'm going to commit to it for at least three weeks to see if I can make a habit of it. I just know it's the only way I will be able to fit the time in to exercise every day. I HATE getting up early, almost as much as I hate exercising, but I have to do it. Or at least try!

Cheesy Beef Rotini Recipe

This recipe can be cooked many different ways. You can bake it in the oven, or cook it on the top of the stove (like I did tonight - less dishes to wash). You can use different cheeses to suit your taste, and can lighten the recipe by using Fat Free shredded cheese instead of low-fat. You can also use a light pasta sauce or whole wheat rotini to cut calories further. I have a lot of points right now, so I can afford 8 pts for dinner. But I imaging using lighter ingredients could cut it down to about 6 pts.

Cheesy Beef Rotini

Ingredients

3 c. Ragu pasta sauce
1 (14.5 oz) box Ronzoni SmartTaste Rotini
1 lb. extra lean ground beef
8 oz. Kraft 2% Shredded Mozzarella Cheese
1/2 C. Green Bell Peppers
Salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning to taste

Directions:
In large pot, boil rotini noodles. Drain and set aside. In separate skillet, brown ground beef, then add bell peppers and saute. Combine cooked rotini noodles, ground beef and peppers, and pasta sauce. If baking, mix in half of cheese then sprinkle the rest on top. Bake on 375 degrees for 30 minutes or until heated through. If making on stove top, mix in entire bag of cheese. Mix until heated through.

Number of Servings: 8 servings (about 1.5 cups each)
35 Minutes to Prepare and Cook


Nutritional Info:
  • Servings Per Recipe: 8
  • Amount Per Serving
  • Calories: 402.4
  • Total Fat: 11.8 g
  • Cholesterol: 50.0 mg
  • Sodium: 669.5 mg
  • Total Carbs: 53.2 g
  • Dietary Fiber: 6.9 g
  • Protein: 24.8 g
  • 8 WW pts. per serving

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Day 27 - Exercise and Progress Pics

Guess what I did today? I walked 2 whole miles! Woo Hoo! I just took my time and did it. It took 34 minutes, which I thought was pretty good. I'm sooo tired.

I also decided that since today ends my 4th week on Weight Watchers, I would take some progress pictures and post them. I weighed in at 318 this morning, which is still up 1 lb. from a week ago, but I'm trying not to let it bother me. I said TRYING. I know I've stuck to plan and that it's normal to gain while you're getting your period, but I still desperately wanted to see a lower number.

I still feel good, and might even try to make this exercise thing a daily occurance:) Might make the scale move, huh?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Day 26

I got on the scale this morning, and was up a few pounds. I wasn't surprised, because of TOM, but I tried not to let it discourage me. My official WI isn't until Monday, so there's hope that I can at least maintain. I have been completely on plan, so I know the only reason is TOM.

I wanted to give up a few times today. First of all, I allowed myself to go to Walmart hungry. Never a good idea. THEN, my mom wanted to stop by McDonald's to get the kids something. That was hard. When I came home I was very moody, but ate a bowl of cereal and felt better. Once I journaled everything I felt better, and actually made it through the day. The key for me is not getting hungry.

Bottom line, I made it through temptation and I didn't give up. I feel stronger every day. Now if I'll only exercise...

I think about it all the time, but actually making it down to the den and getting on my elliptical hasn't happened. I vow every week to start exercising but don't do it. I know it would really help in my weight loss, I've just gotta do it!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Some before pics...



Ok...I thought I would post some before pics. My starting weight was 333 lbs. These were taking on my college graduation day in May 2007 - but I am pretty much the same size now. OMG - That back shot is TERRIBLE!

Sad thing is...I had on two different girdle/body shapers under that dress. Well...they didn't help!

Today is the 25th day of the rest of my life...

I decided last night that I am going to revive my blog here at Blogger. I've been blogging on SparkPeople since I re-started my weight loss journey on 8/25/08, but I think I want to go bigger (and better). I want a site to not only blog, but also add pictures and recipes. We'll see what happens...

This is my 25th day on the Weight Watchers plan. I have faithfully eaten within my points and journaled every day. I've gone from 333 lbs to 317.4 so far. TOM is currently paying his monthly visit, so I'm not sure how well WI will go on Monday. But for the first time EVER, I haven't lost control! WOW!

Well, I'm gonna play around with this some more and see what I can do...

Hollie