Cize with me!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Day 67 - SPANX

I am SO excited this morning. I am wearing a pair of size 24 slacks and a SPANX!

A little bit of back story...
Last summer (2007) my family went on a 10-day vacation to Florida. It was a really big thing - Tallahassee to see the in-laws, then to Orlando for Disney/Universal/SeaWorld, and then to St. Petersburg to the beach. Before we left, I went on a Lane Bryant shopping spree for nice clothes to wear, and while I was there I purchased my first SPANX. I bought the biggest size, but it still didn't fit! But since I needed it for certain outfits, I spent about 30 minutes on two different occasions stuffing my size 26/28 body into, sweating and huffing and puffing the whole time! I was so disgusted with it, I threw it in my bottom drawer when I came home and swore to never wear it again. About 2 or 3 times since then I have dug it out of the drawer and tried to put it on again, only to be covered in sweat and out of breath when I got it on, and then it was too uncomfortable to wear.

Last year around Thanksgiving, I went on Michael Thurmond's Six Week Body Makeover (which is a long name for crash diet). I lost about 15 lbs and went shopping and bought a size 24 pair of slacks and two size 22/24 blouses that I just knew I was going to be able to wear throughout the winter. Well, I wore each piece about one time. It took me about one week to gain back the 15 lbs I lost, so the clothes were too small. This morning, I took that pair of slacks out of the closet and tried them on and they fit! But, they're knit, so every dimple in my thighs were showing. So when I was digging in my bottom drawer for a girdle, I found the dreaded SPANX. I thought, "Hey, I'm gonna try it on just for the fun of it." And guess what???? IT FITS! It went right up like it's supposed to! No sweat, no tears, no heavy breathing!

When I put the slacks back on, they looked great! I was so psyched! Now I see why everyone loves SPANX. I look like I've lost at least another 5 - 10 lbs, and my clothes look great! I was back on plan yesterday, and this triumph this morning has really given me the boost I need to stay there! I am so close to being out of the 300's I can TASTE it.

And I got some more good news on the financial front. I still haven't found a job, but my husband listed all of his cycling clothes on Ebay yesterday and he has bids and watchers on everything. If he sells everything, he'll make at least $500. AND, we have also figured out a way to pay our mortgage this month. So thank you for all the prayers and well wishes that have been sent our way!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Macaroni Pie

I posted a recipe for Macaroni Pie on my recipe page. It was very good.

I have been successful at getting back on plan today. I did not get on the elliptical, but I spent over an hour continuously cleaning my house when I got home. I also plan on having more sex tonight, and Rosie says I can count activity points for that!

Day 66 - Confessions

Okay, I woke up this morning feeling guilty. I messed up BIG TIME last night, and my first instinct was to keep it a secret. I blew it for the first time since re-committing myself to this journey 66 days ago. Thanks to WAP's, I'm still probably "on plan" as far as WW goes, but I still feel as if I lost control. So I am confessing my sins to all of you, publicly, so that I can hold myself accountable.

1. I got tipsy last night. I had a Mai Tai and I don't know how many calories or points it cost me.
2. After some hot, alcohol induced sex with my husband, I was hungry and ate a bowl of cereal. I didn't measure it, but had a good idea of the points value.
3. I then proceeded to eat some Vienna Sausages. GROSS! OMG, what was I thinking! Had to be the liquor.
4. Since I was up so late and had a mini hangover, I did not get up to exercise this morning.

Okay. That's it. I'm not asking for sympathy or someone to tell me it's okay. I fell off the wagon, and I am already back on it. And I am also going to make it my business to make sure it doesn't happen again (not the sex part). I will not allow myself to let stress take away my resolve to lose weight and get healthy.

Wow, confession is good for the soul. I feel better already!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Day 65 - Emotional Eating

I feel like crap today. Emotionally, that is.

One think that I really haven't had to tackle so far in this journey is emotional eating. It has been a major problem in the past, but for the first 50 - 60 days of this journey, things in my life have been going pretty good. I like my job, my family, and classes. Everything was peachy, and then my life started sliding down hill...fast.

First of all, we're broke. My husband hasn't worked since the beginning of June. He was hurt on the job, and as soon as it was time for him to return to work, they fired him. It is damned near impossible for my husband to find employment because he is a convicted felon. It doesn't matter if that felony happened when he was 18 (he's 36 now). No one will give him a chance. Although I know he has been trying, it is still frustrating as hell to me that he's not working. It is seriously damaging our relationship. We want to get a divorce, but we can't afford it! We can't even afford to separate! Needless to say, home life is beginning to get unbearable. We fight and argue all the time, and never have anything nice to say to each other.

Now we are facing losing our home. We have depleted all of our savings and resources and have nothing. And to top it off, our main source of transportation is broke down, and we can't afford to get it fixed. So we're having to use one car, a 1988 Crown Victoria. I pray every day the car will just last until we can get the truck fixed. Which won't be soon, I'm afraid, since I only make $600 every other week at my job and that barely covers utilities and gas for the car. Oh, did I mention that it has been between 30 - 50 degrees this week and we have no heat? It costs $280 to get the gas turned on, and we don't have that either. So it's cold in our house, and I have three kids who don't understand why we can't just turn the heat on.

The only solution that I can see to this problem is getting a second job, or another job altogether. The reason why I'm working this low-paying teacher assistant job is because I am in school to get my Master's in Special Education. This job is giving me on-the-job experience, and is also counting toward my college credit. It was also intended for me to work here to get my foot in the door with the school system, so that by this summer I'll have the college credits and experience needed to start teaching on an alternative license. At least that was the plan before my husband lost his job. Now I am devastated because I know that plan will most likely not happen. Since I am the one in the marriage with the degree and clean background, it is going to be up to me to get us back on our feet.

So now I'm looking for a job that I don't want. Ideally, I would love to find a second job where I can work evenings and weekends to supplement my income from the day job. That way I can keep my job at the school and complete my Master's and still have the shot at teaching next school year. But if I can't find a second job within the next week or so, then I'm going to have to quit the school job and get another 8 - 5 job that pays more. I don't have a choice right now. It's either that, or lose my home and not be able to provide for my children.

But not only am I facing the fact that I might have to ditch my dream of being a teacher 8 months before it might come to fruition, but I am also going to have to make a serious decision about my marriage. Right now, I just don't know if it can survive the disappointment and bitterness I will feel if I have to give up my dreams. Like I said, I know my husband has tried to get a job, but I know he has not given it his 100%. More like 70%. He doesn't like to work, and puts too much effort into finding the next "get rich quick" scheme. He's a dreamer, and I'm a realist, and times are hard.

All this story just so you can understand where I'm at right now, and how I think I am battling emotional eating. At first I thought it was PMS, then I thought it may be TOM that was causing the uncontrollable urge to eat things that are bad for me. But last night after crying my eyes out and feeling like I was at the end of my rope, I realized that it may have something to do with how unhappy my life is right now. The only thing that gives me any joy right now is my children, and I'm trying so hard to be happy in front of them. But I'm not. I am miserable. I want to crawl under a rock and stay there until I have enough money in the bank to pay my mortgage and turn my heat on. But I can't. I have to deal with this. And I have to do it without using food for comfort.

But how do I do that? Honestly, I don't think I've ever tried! Food has always been my friend and comforter during the bad times! Of course it's never made my problems go away, but it's still been there. I've never once wanted a substitute. But now I do. I do not want to eat my problems away. I want to get healthy and lose weight, and that is my priority right now. In a crazy life where it seems like everything is out of my control, my weight is the one thing that I have a grasp on. And I don't want to lose that grasp. I'm desperate to maintain it. So now, on top of everything else, I'm trying to learn how to change bad habits.

One thing that has seem to work are books. I've been reading A LOT in the past few weeks. Hell, I've read 5 novels since Friday! I don't eat when I read, and reading allows me to dive into someone else's life, if for only a brief time. Someone else's blog reminded me today that exercise is also good for improving your mood. I haven't exercised in almost two weeks, so I definitely need to get back on track with that. It has just been so COLD in my house that it's hard to leave the warmth of my covers. But I promise to try. The truth is, I'll do anything I can to maintain the momentum that has allowed me to lose 24 lbs. forever. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. This time is different. Failure is not an option.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Day 64 - Weigh In Day

Wow, this weekend should have been a disaster. I was weak and brought home a store-bought carrot cake on Saturday. I cut a piece, ate half, then threw the rest away because it didn't taste very good. I counted the points for it, and planned the rest of the day accordingly to stay within points. I was very proud of myself. Any other time, a cake incident would have sent me to Binge City for the rest of the day.

So, then I started yesterday off with a huge breakfast. Way too much food, but again, I counted every point. Then I was tempted by the carrot cake again, but threw it in the garbage. I ate a sensible dinner, but the day ended with me not feeling very good about my food choices. I journaled and accounted for everything, but still. TOM is still here, so I just feel BLAH about everything. And I guess I knew that WI this morning was going to be a depressing experience, which might have had something to do with my less than controlled eating this weekend.

But surprisingly, I didn't show a gain this morning. I weighed in at 309, which is .2 down from last week's morning WI and the same as last week's WW WI. I stepped on the scale three different times to make sure it was right. I ALWAYS gain when TOM is here. And I especially DESERVE a gain after my eating this weekend. I'm sure it will catch up with me, but I'm going to try everything in my power to make it disappear before next week's WI. I want that 25 lb. prize!

Friday, October 24, 2008

October 24, 2008 - 8 weeks

OK...this is me 61 days into my journey (8 weeks). I've lost 24 lbs. and weigh 309 lbs.
This is a comparison with my four-week pic...I think I should re-do with the same clothes?
Ok, I went and changed clothes so that I could compare. Sorry for the re-do!
Honestly, I can't tell any difference between the four-week and the eight-week either way, but I know I will in a few months!

Day 61 - TGIF!

Happy Friday! I'm happy, despite the fact that my hopes for getting my 25 lb. prize on Monday are probably dashed. TOM came last night, and I'm sure it will mess me up for WI on Monday. But I'm going to try not to let it bother me. I'm wearing a pair of size 24 jeans that are not tight at all! This is great, considering that they were tight a few weeks ago. Also, since I can remember, TOM has been a time of unbearable BLOAT and puffiness. I could usually tell it was coming because my pants would start getting tighter a few days beforehand. But losing weight is obviously helping in this area, which I'm very pleased about! I've heard that drinking water can help prevent bloating, so maybe that's it?

It's raining cats and dogs today, but I'm hoping it will be clear tomorrow and Sunday so I can get some walking in. I haven't exercised at all this week:( My goal is to get back in the swing of things next week to start waking up early and getting on the elliptical.

TTFN

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I've been tagged!

I've been tagged by Skye (http://skye-lynn.blogspot.com/) to list six interesting facts about myself. Here goes nothin'!

1. I'm mixed kid...but I think the correct word nowadays is "biracial". My mom is white, my dad is black.

2. When I was 4 years old, we were traveling and stopped to eat near an Indian reservation. One of the locals accused my mom of kidnapping me because I was brown-skinned with long pigtails and looked like a little Indian girl!

3. I've been to 46 states. My dad was a truck driver and we used to travel in the big truck with him when I was a child.

4. I am currently enrolled in school and am pursuing my Master's degree in Education.

5. I wrote a novel when I was 8 years old. I came home from school one day and my mom had cleaned out my bedroom and threw it away in the trash can. I plan on writing another book one day...hopefully it won't get tossed in the trash again!

6. Four of my brothers and sisters are old enough to be my parents. I actually have a niece and two nephews that are older than me.

Hope this wasn't too boring. I just realized I'm not very interesting...

Ok...I think I'm supposed to tag four people? I tag Seashore, Amy, Karyn, and Michelle!

Day 59 - Candy!

Arrggh! I got to work this morning, and what do I find? A huge treat bag of Halloween candy on my desk. Do I throw it away? No. Do I give it away to someone? Not right away. This is the first time since starting this journey that I've felt like I almost lost control. I love candy, and it's always a struggle to say no to something you have loved for so long. I've WASTED 9 points so far today on this damned candy, so I gave the rest away to the students in my class. I just want to scream I'm so upset with myself for falling for the bait!

Thanks to Dottie's, I've been able to journal and account for the candy I've eaten, and now it's gone so I can't keep eating it. I've got 18 pts for the rest of the day, so I'm sure I can stay within my points even after this mess up. I've got the rest of my day planned out as far as eating goes. I'm also going to really try to get on the elliptical tonight. I'm not back on a good sleeping schedule, so I've been going to bed WAY too late to get up early to exercise. But I'm working on it, since I know that a.m. exercise works best for me.

I also have a NSV to report...I'm wearing a size 24 pair of slacks, and they are NOT tight at all. Of course, they're a little stretchy (Hampton's from Lane Bryant), but still a 24! I feel silly after complaining about it on Monday, now. But I think one of the reasons that my smaller pants weren't feeling looser was the type of underwear I've been wearing. Back in the summer I'd gotten so big that all of my usual "sexy" underwear were too small, so I went and bought some big cotton underwear from Wal-mart (big-momma panties). I didn't realize until the other day that my panties had gotten so big that I was having to stuff the excess back inside of my pants when I get dressed! So yesterday I pulled out a pair of my "sexy" underwear, and the fit better than ever! And my pants are fitting better, too! I never thought the excess COTTON would have made that big of a difference. I guess because it's so much of it! LOL!

This may sound silly, but just wearing "sexy" panties for the past two days has really boosted my self-confidence! I feel so much better when I look in the mirror because my clothes fall different on my body, and when I walk my class to lunch and don't get winded. It's a great feeling, and very motivating! I'm only 10 lbs away from my first goal of 299 lbs., and I'm going to try my best got get there before Thanksgiving. In my opinion, being under 300 lbs. will be A LOT of motivation to stay on plan during the holidays. I know one thing, when I get under 300 lbs, I'll NEVER go back again!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Vacation Over!

Okay...I'm back to work today - Fall Break is OVER! I'm actually kind of pleased to get back into my routine. Call it being lazy or recharging, but I've been on my BUTT entirely too much! But it's been nice to be able to read and kick back with my kids. I finished the last book in the "Twighlight" series last night, and I must say that it's been a long time since I was sad after finishing a book! I didn't want the story to end! For those who like to read and haven't read them yet, I highly recommend.

Today is my first Weight Watchers meeting since 9/29. I have at-work meetings, so they were put on hold while we were on break. I am pleased that I will be able to report a good loss while we were on break because I stayed on plan. True, I've been lacking in the F/V department, but I've stayed within my points, and only used my WAP's once or twice. I've also journaled EVERY SINGLE DAY for 57 days straight! That's a huge deal for me. Even in the past when I've been successful at WW I didn't journal regularly or stick to my points every single day. I'm actually starting a new notebook today (I use cute/colorful small spiral notebook to journal). It's almost been 8 whole weeks! That just reminded me that it's time to take new progress pics (I will do this every four weeks). I'll do that tonight and post. Although I really don't think there will be a noticeable difference yet...

I want to thank everyone who is following my blog now! I promise that now that I'm in front of a computer all day again I'll get back into the swing of blogging!

Day 57 - Weigh in!

Wow...57 days of continuously making an effort to lose weight and get healthy! I really feel like it's a habit now, and I pray that I can continue to be this strong and steadfast in my journey.

This morning was weigh-in (officially) and I lost 3.6 lbs last week! Yeah! I'm finally under the 310 lb. mark (309.2). I was unsure this morning because I am CONSTIPATED AGAIN! ARRGH! But anyway... I think it's been at least two years (almost three) since I've been here!

One thing that I am frustrated by is that my pants aren't really any looser. My fat stomach is not going ANYWHERE! When I started this journey, I was wearing size 28 pants comfortably, and still some size 26, but they were getting tight. My shirts were a 26/28. Last night I pulled out some size 24's from my winter clothes that were packed away in the garage. I can comfortably wear my size 22/24 shirts, but my size 24 pants are skin tight, so I'm still stuck in size 26's that are still not loose. What gives? I've lost 23.8 lbs...?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Wow...time flies!

I can't believe it's already Friday! Sorry I haven't checked in this week, but I'm still in "recharge" mode. It has been a long time since I've been able to spend so much time with my children, and I'm taking advantage of it. I never like to spend much time on the computer when my children are at home, because our computer is in the den, and it's usually too chaotic to concentrate, anyway. But we've had a lot of fun. I had my "fourth child", Sean, for seven days, and that was nice. I've also been doing a lot of reading...I've read the second and third book in the "Twilight" series since Tuesday. But this week has been full of highs and lows.

Highs:
I'm still totally on plan, even though temptation has crept in several times. I'm staying strong, and continuing to journal and stay within my points. I got past the constipation (I think it did have something to do with not getting the healthy oil and all my fruits and veggies in). I peeked at the scale this morning, and it had me at 309! Woo Hoo! This is the first time I've been under 310 since 2006. I got in a long walk on Tuesday (one hour), and planned another today but got sidetracked (I'll explain that later). Tomorrow should be nice out, and one more long day at the park for walking and letting the kiddos play will be great. Sunday, too.

Lows:
My husband told me this morning that he's sick of me, and as soon as we are financially stable he's leaving me. Our relationship has been stressed for quite some time, and I admit that I am also unhappy. But I know that a divorce will devastate my children. We've been together for nine years, and almost got a divorce in 2005. The story of my marriage is too long for this blog, so I won't hash out the details. But being married to my husband isn't easy. That's why it was a slap in the face for him to put the blame on me. I have not (and will not) eat away my pain as usual. I will stay strong and focused.

Seeing the "309" on the scale this morning made me happy. Only 10 lbs till I reach my first 10% goal and am under the 300 lb mark! NO ONE or NO THING will keep me from reaching that goal. I can do it!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Weigh-in!

I lost 1 lb this week. I'm okay with that, considering the cornbread incident and lack of exercise. AND I'm constipated...what's up with that? I eat more than the DRA of fiber everyday, and drink 8 - 10 glasses of water. Oh, well.

Goals for this week:

1. Get back on the exercise wagon.
2. Eat more f/v.
3. Stay within my points allowance and continue to journal each day.
4. Drink 8 - 10 cups of water each day.

That's it for now!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Day 49 - Recharging

MizFit left a comment on yesterday's blog saying that I'm not lazy, I'm recharging. I like that! Recharging - yeah, that's it!

Well, today was another day of "recharging" for me. I didn't get any formal exercise in, but I did laundry and cleaned house all day. Since I washed and folded at least 10 loads, I think I can pretty much count it as some sort of activity. Especially when I was folding the four sets of sheet - my arms were killing me.

I had a good dinner tonight, too. I posted an easy meatloaf recipe for anyone who wants to look at it.

My BFF called me tonight and told me that she's been diagnosed with fatty liver disease. She had her gallbladder taken out on Tuesday, and apparently the surgeon found the fatty liver during the operation. AND he was a real dick about it. I'm sorry, but when someone is recovering from surgery, it's not a good time for a doctor to make you feel like shit for being overweight (which is what he did). She's going to follow up with her regular doctor to see what the next course of action needs to be. It's obvious that losing weight will help, but how fast isn't clear.

Something I realized while talking to her was that this is the exact reason I don't go to the doctor. I don't have health insurance, so I use that as the excuse. But I know the real reason is that I don't want to hear a doctor belittle me for being so fat. My reasoning is that "I'll go to the doctor after I lose weight." I think I'm pretty healthy, but I know I have a few issues that need to be addressed (like sharp abdominal pains). But I guess I just haven't cared.

I know that sounds bad, and some will think, "how can she not care about her health." Well, not caring about my health has got me to 300+ lbs. Most people don't have any idea about how little I really think of myself in the grand scheme of my life. And I know I'm not alone in that thinking. BUT, that's why I'm here. I am making a conscious effort to care, and to get healthy for good. The first step is getting my eating under control and to lose weight. Everything else will hopefully fall into place after that.

Kalela


Here are a couple of pics of my baby girl, Kalela. She'll be 3 next month, and she is a handful! I'll post pics of my older two when I can pin them down and make them take a picture!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Day 48 - Laziness

When trying to think up a word to sum up the past couple of days for me, lazy pretty much does it. First off, I'd like to point out that I do not consider myself a lazy person. Some people equate fat with lazy, but in my case I don't think so. I'm very busy and never slow down. I have a job, go to school full time, and have three children, a husband, a mother, and a nephew that I'm responsible for. I get up each morning at around 5:30 a.m., and don't go to bed until about 11 p.m. I rarely watch TV (right now it's Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights and presidential coverage on cable news). So yeah, I'm usually not lazy at all. But this week's been different.

As I explained a couple of posts back, I'm on Fall Break this week and next week. I had a game plan of doing a lot of outdoor activities with my children. But on Tuesday, it started raining, and continued to rain for almost three days. So on Wednesday I took my children to the library to get some books, and decided to check out a few for me as well. After all, I love to read, but just never have the time. So I started this book named "Twighlight" by Stephanie Meyers and was hooked in big time. It was a big, thick book, and I read it in about a day. I started reading "One for the Money" by Janet Evanovich yesterday and finished it today. Needless to say, I've put in a lot of time on the couch/recliner and NO time on the elliptical.

BUT, I'm okay with this. This is vacation, right? I DESERVE to relax with a good book. I'm off my schedule, but besides not exercising I've been totally on plan as far as points go. I did have Jiffy skillet cornbread two days in a row, and it was really high in points. It was too good the first day, so I decided to make the last box the second day to get it out for the house (I know, an excuse). But even with it I was totally within my points for both days. AND I've been journaling faithfully. So I still have control of my eating, which is GREAT considering how time off at home has gone in the past.

So today was very nice outside, so I took the kiddos to the park. I walked one mile before I ran into an old friend and her sister. We talked for a LONG time, so I never got the second mile in I intended b/c the kiddos were ready to go home. I felt good getting some sort of activity in, though. If the weather holds, we'll go back tomorrow and hopefully I can walk 2-3 miles with no interruption. Or pain. Did I mention my knee and ankle on my left side were hurting?

I peeked at the scale this morning, and it reflected my cornbread eating and inactivity. I've only lost .4 so far this week. Even more incentive to reel my ass in and get back on track.

Now I've vented, so I'm off to catch up on my fellow bloggers to see how their week has gone!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Checking in...

I just wanted to quickly check in...I'm still here and haven't fell off the wagon!

I LOVE to read, just never have the time. So I take my kiddos to the library yesterday, and check out a book called TWILIGHT by Stephanie Meyer. I work in a middle school, and all the teachers have been raving about it. OMG! I have been stuck in this novel for the past 30 hours. I only had 4 hours of sleep last night, and have read at every available moment today to get finished (it's about 600 pages). I'm hooked, and can't wait to get back to the library for the rest of the series.

I'll try my best go get caught up tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Day 44 - Obesity


For those who know me well, it is a common fact that my mother and I have a love/hate relationship. I love her to the ends of the earth, but my mother is one of those people who does things that make you question if she can love at all. I know she loves me, but a lot of things that happened in our past has made me question it. And a lot of those bad memories have to do with being overweight and ridiculed for it. Thing is, my mom is overweight, too. She's only 5'2" and weighs close to 300 lbs. At 74 years old, it's killing her. A few years back, she lost about 80 lbs, but over the last several months she has gained it back...fast.

Today I took my mother to the doctor. It really bothers me to see how much weight she has gained, and how it is affecting her quality of life. Getting in my Suburban is a chore. And she complains constantly of aches and pains that I know are weight related. Her doctor gave her SIX SHEETS of prescription medication today. SIX! With at least 3 medicines to each sheet, that's about 18 different medications. Her health problems range from diabetes, to high blood pressure, to arthritis, to high cholesterol...you name it, she's got it. I practically had to beg her to make this doctor's appointment because she was out of her meds. It's like she doesn't care anymore. But since she is raising my 11 year old nephew, she HAS to care.

So, on the way to the doctor's appointment while my mother was rambling on as she does, I was thinking about obesity and how many people DIE of illnesses that are directly related to obesity. I VOW not to be one of those people. I am only 32, and now is the time for me to get my ass in gear. I'm the healthiest woman over 300 lbs you'll ever meet, and I am so thankful for that. If I continue my healthy lifestyle, hopefully I won't have as many weight-related illnesses as my mom has, if any at all. When I'm 74, I want to run around and play with my grandkids!

To drive the point home, when we got into the doctors office, there was another woman sitting there that weighed at least 500 lbs. She could barely walk, and grunted with every step she took. I NEVER want to be there!

I am so thankful that I have been given a chance to get my HEALTH in gear while I'm still young. I watched my mother yo-you diet for the duration of my childhood (slim fast, diet pills, laxatives, starvation). But never once did she talk about eating healthy or exercising (well, she did make ME do Richard Simmons when I was in elementary school). I want to set an example to my children, and show them that being healthy is a lot more than being thin or losing weight the WRONG way, so that they will grow up and lead healthy lives and set a good example for their children. The obesity tradition in my family is going to end with ME!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Weigh-in!

The scale was nice to me this morning...I lost 1.8 lbs! For a grand total of 19.2 lbs since 8/25/08.

My goals this week:

More f/v - I need to eat at least 5 a day and I haven't been.
Continue to exercise 4 times per week for at least 30 minutes at a time.
Continue to drink at least 8 glasses of water per day.
Continue to track/journal my food every day.

It's another gorgeous day in Tennessee. I'm off to get dressed and make my children do the same so we can spend some time outside!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Day 42 - Craziness

Wow, what a crazy weekend. Yesterday was a total bust. Friday night when I want to bed, I was very achy, so I took a pain killer and went to bed. My husband woke me up Saturday morning with breakfast in bed (FiberOne pancakes and low-cal syrup). My husband does NOT cook, so this was very nice coming from him. After I ate, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I felt like i had a hangover. So a laid back down and went to sleep...until almost 2 p.m! WTF! I woke up with cotton mouth and cobwebs in my head. The rest of my day pretty much went downhill from there. I just mostly sat in the recliner for the rest of the day and went to bed early because I still felt woosy.

But, the good thing is that I ate within my points and got all my water in. I woke up this morning feeling MUCH better. But then my husband proceeds to erase any of the good feelings I had about him by being an asshole. I told him that I wanted to go for a walk at the park, and he started a speech about how I should just walk around the yard (we live on 1.5 acres). Well, I told him I didn't want to walk around the yard, I wanted to go to the park. Then he starts yelling about how stupid it is that I want to walk at the park and yada yada yada. He ended up apologizing, and I ended up walking 3 miles at the park.

I think my husband is a the jealousy stage of my weight loss. For the past 42 days, I'm getting smaller and he's getting bigger. But it still pisses me off that he should be encouraging me at this point instead of trying to sabatoge me by making me an emotional wreck. We have SO much going on in our marriage without adding to it. I pray that next week will be better.

I'm off to find a recipe for dinner tonight!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Day 40 - TGIF - I think?

It is such a beautiful day in Tennessee! The weather is PERFECT, and I'm wishing I'd brought my tennis shoes to work so I could go for a walk when I leave. Today is the day I've been waiting for....the last day of school before Fall Break! Woo Hoo! 14 whole days until I have to come back to work! 14 whole days of loungin' around the house and chillin' out with my kids! AND, I get paid for it! Can't beat it right? Well, now I don't know. I'm gettin' nervous.

I know so many people struggle with weekends. But this go-round, weekends haven't been hard at all. I actually find that I do quite well. See, we're BROKE, so going out to eat isn't a concern. AND we don't party or have any friends to hang out with, so there's no temptation there. We just hang out around the house. I usually do a little gardening and a lot of house cleaning, but that's pretty much it. But I'm now beginning to wonder how it's going to be to have a 14-day weekend?

See, during the week my days are pretty scheduled. Wake up, exercise, coffee on the way to work, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, bedtime. My body is used to breakfast/coffee at 7 a.m., lunch at 11 a.m., afternoon snack at 3 p.m., dinner between 5 and 6 p.m. That routine is working for me, so I'm afraid that too much "off" time is gonna be a challenge. AND to top it off, we won't have a WW at Work meeting until we come back from break (skipping two weeks). But the good news on that tip is that I can find another meeting in the area and go to that one instead. I don't think there's one on Monday, but I think there's one on Tuesday afternoon. I need to check into that...

BUT - one thing I've learned over the past few weeks is that I have control of what I eat. And the what I need to concentrate on is that in a true lifestyle change, I'm going to have to control what I eat no matter what my schedule is (or isn't). That's all part of changing for the better, right?

I'm going to plan on taking advantage of this beautiful weather to do a lot of walking at the park with my kids. I mean, the real reason I am working at the school (for practically minimum wage) is so I CAN have this time with my children when they're out on breaks. So I'm determined that I'm going to make the best of it, and not let FOOD deter me from my plan. I can do this! Yeah, I really can:)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Day 39 - Cheating?

I can remember vividly how excited I would get on the day of my weekly Weight Watcher's meeting. Yeah, I was excited about seeing whether or not I'd lost weight that week, but I was also excited because it was CHEAT DAY! You know, you fast until WI, then eat everything in sight for the rest of the day. It's the end of your WW week, and the slate is wiped clean the next day when you start over. I've talked to others at meetings who did/do the same thing, so I know I wasn't alone.

Since I've restarted this journey with WW, I've abolished CHEAT DAY. It wasn't something I'd planned, just something that happened. Why cheat, if you're not on a diet? On WW, you are allowed to eat anything you want in moderation, as long as you stick within your daily point range. So instead of going into it with a diet mentality, I decided when I started WW on 8/25 that I was going to follow the plan, but allow myself anything I wanted. No deprivation. I know that's the only way I can stick to this for the rest of my life. So after my first WI, I didn't feel inclined to go crazy on ice cream and pizza. I just didn't want it.

I've been reading blogs on weight loss, and I still read about people who have CHEAT DAYS, or who reward weight loss with food. Isn't that defeating the purpose a little? I've decided that when I do that, I'm only cheating myself. If this is truly a lifestyle, then I have to get to a point where I have a healthy relationship with food. I will not use food as a reward, and I will not use the scale as an excuse to binge. That is the "old" me.

I have three children. My oldest, who is my 11 year old daughter, struggles with her weight. She is not fat by any means, but if I let her have her way with food she would be. I look at her, and I remember how fat I was at her age, and how ruthless kids were as they made fun of me. I NEVER want her to know what that feels like. So I limit portions and the availability of junk food in the house. I also try to encourage physical activity for all of my children. We have a huge yard, and I make them play in it. But my eating habits affect my children, especially my daughter. Several times I have found food wrappers and soda cans in her closet, so I know she is sneaking the food I won't let her eat. This just kills me, because I know it's my fault. But what kind of example have I been setting for her? I need to practice what I preach.

The only way I can teach my children how to have a healthy relationship with food, is to have one myself. If I eat my veggies and live an active lifestyle, they will, too. I pray that it's not too late to set a good example for my daughter. My other two children are younger, and if I have it my way they will never remember that their mommy was ever fat and miserable. They will only know a healthy mommy, who cooked nutritious meals and took long walks with them. I now realize that by cheating myself, I'm cheating them, too.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Day 38 - Epiphany!

Definition:

1. sudden realization: a sudden intuitive leap of understanding, especially through an ordinary but striking occurrence.

Today I had an epiphany. I was reading a blog on the Blog to Lose website, and a blogger was discussing self-hate. Boy, I could really identify with what she was saying. I've been through periods in my life where I've hated myself, and felt like everyone else felt the same way. I can't describe how depressing it is when you believe that no one in the world loves you, not even your family and children. I have been suicidal, just as recently as several months ago. Life just seemed unbearable because no one loved me. Then one day reality slapped me in the face -- how in the hell could anyone love me when I didn't love myself.

I avoid mirrors, because often when I glance at my reflection, I am disgusted at what I see. The day I discovered in the Women's bathroom at my school that I had two chins I sat back down on the toilet and cried for five minutes. I have trained myself to not look myself in the eye when I am near a mirror or getting dressed in front of one. That's just what I do.

When I heard they were doing Weight Watcher's meetings at my school for faculty, I was excited, but a little pessimistic. Yeah, I wanted to lose weight, but I've tried WW three other times and failed in the past three years. What's gonna make this time different? With some self-reflection, I decided to JUST DO IT. It couldn't hurt, right? Somewhere along the way since then, something has CLICKED.

I guess it happened after that first time I felt the urge to binge and suppressed it. I was so proud of myself, and a little shocked at how easy it was. Then I began to start thinking about GOAL, and how HOT I'm gonna look and how SEXY I'm gonna feel. Every time I feel the urge to binge, I put those thoughts in my head and it helps. So, now, I try to keep those positive thoughts in my head because I LIKE the way it makes me feel. Do you know how much easier it is to say "no" to a candy bar when you are able to honestly admit that it really doesn't taste that good, and you'd be so much healthier without it in your life? I've NEVER felt this way, not even back in '03 and '04 when I lost weight. I can honestly say that I love myself enough to do get healthy this time. I love myself enough to make better choices and to journal my food each day. I love myself enough to get up at 5 a.m. to exercise. I love myself so much that I will not get discouraged and give up on ME!

I love myself - there, I said it. And I know I have lots of people who love me, too. With this knowledge, I will make it this time. I've never been so certain of something in a long time...