Tuesday, December 9, 2008

"Success isn't defined as how many times you fail; it's about getting up one more time!"

Thank you, Skye, for this great quote! Because today, I am getting up one more time. I blew it again yesterday! Dang! My intentions are so good when I get up, but throughout the day it gets worse and worse. Yesterday I was tired and sleepy, and ended up eating and eating and eating after I got home from work. I slept NINE hours last night, and still woke up tired this morning. I lost my temper this morning because I couldn't find my keys, and walked out of the house without my lunch or snacks. Good thing I have a SmartOnes here at work and plenty of FiberOne bars!

So today, I am going to catch up on blogs, because as MizFit reminded me, I have a whole blogworld out there that I can lean on. I am also going to work on my final paper for my last class this semester. I got about half of it done yesterday, so I'm off to a good start.

BBL!

Monday, December 8, 2008

It's MONDAY. Since I worked all weekend, I don't feel like it was a weekend at all. Sat. I worked from 3:30 p.m. to 1:15 a.m., then had to be back to work on Sun. at 10 a.m. until 5:30 p.m. By the time I went to the grocery, got gas, and fixed dinner it was after 9 p.m. I slept well, but woke up still tired. Thankfully, I'm off from my P.M. job until Thursday, so I'm going to take advantage of going to bed early those nights to catch up on my sleep. I'm still so achy - after I get off from work each night my legs and feet feel like they're gonna fall off. But I did figure out yesterday that if I take Ibuprofen before I go to work it makes it bearable.

I did pretty well this weekend eating-wise. Not great, but no binging. I woke up this morning with resolve to make THIS the week that I get back on the wagon for good. I got on the scale, and was pleased to see I've only gained about 5 lbs. This should be devastating, but considering how out of control I've been since before Thanksgiving, only 5 lbs gained is a GIFT! I definitely know all the exercise I get at work is helping.

I have also decided that I can't afford to renew my WW meetings for this At-Work session. I just don't have the money right now, and don't see it happening in the near future. Even with the extra job and my husband working, we are barely making ends meet. We got so far behind, that now everything is crucial, and the money can't come in fast enough. I pray that by the end of this month we can see clearly and be at least caught up on the major bills. To top it off, my mother has started acting nutty, and says she can't watch Kalela anymore. She said she needs to run errands, and she can't take Kalela with her, or something crazy like that? So that means we are now having to pay a babysitter that we can't afford, either.

I'm kind of bummed about the WW thing, especially since I'm super curious about the new program coming out. My plan is to journal and count points on my own, and try to follow it the best I can by myself. My friend who is also doing WW said she would be my personal leader, so I really appreciate that. I NEED to get back on track EVERY DAY! Not just a few days out of the week. But like I said before, I will NOT give up! I will start over every day if necessary!

Friday, December 5, 2008

New WW plan!

I was searching for info on the new WW plan, and found this great article. It pretty much sums it up!

http://tinyurl.com/5haycaLink

Yes!

I made it through the day yesterday and was successful at being back on track! I didn't journal or count points, but I know I did well. I ate my fruit, and didn't cave at fast food or vending machines at all. I also drank about six cups of water, which is a step up from ZERO cups! When I was on my way home from work at midnight last night, I felt very successful about my day. Now, I just need to repeat the same today. I am prepared, so hopefully all will be well.\

My husband made me so mad this morning. He is really a jerk. I woke up with a sore throat this morning, and I asked him if he could please fix the heat in our car. It was about 20 degrees when I left work last night, and it's at least a 20 minute ride home with no heat in the car. He's told me several times that it was just a blown fuse, but this morning he informed me that it was something else that required him taking the dash out of the car. He said it wasn't worth the trouble to fix it, so he wasn't going to do it. Then he said, "You're just going to have to suffer." OMG! That really pissed me off. I really wanted to tell him that being married to him, and busting my ass working two jobs because he's so damned sorry should be suffering enough, but I held my tongue. No, I take that back...I did tell him that I though he was sorry as hell. It's his fault that we're in such a financial mess in the first place.

I don't know, but that confrontation this morning just strengthened my resolve to lose weight. I'm tired of letting people around me sabotage my weight loss efforts. He is my number one saboteur. As long as I'm fat and unhappy, he knows that I will not empower myself to make positive changes in my life. Every time I'm on a successful track to weight loss, he makes me feel guilty for putting my needs about his. I'm tired of it, and it's not going to happen this time.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Thursday, Dec. 4, 2008

So far so good on being back on track today! I have not journaled, but have been in control. I was late leaving the house this morning because I was determined to pack my lunch (and dinner for tonight) so I would be prepared. I made meatloaf for dinner last night, so I brought leftovers with two slices of bread for a sandwich for lunch, and a Lean Cuisine for dinner. I have plenty of FiberOne bars and apples, oranges, and a grapefruit for snacks. Oh, yeah, and plenty of water. I have not been drinking water at all, so I've SO got to get back on track with that.

I balanced our meager budget last night, and I don't think I'm going to be able to afford to re-join the next session of our WW at work. It's only $105 for 10 meetings, and they'll split payment (half in Dec/half in Jan). But honestly, I can't afford to spend $52.50 right now. The bills that NEED to be paid next week will not wait, and it will take every dime of money we have to pay them. Needless to say, I'm kind of bummed about that. I know I can try to do it from home, but I need the motivation and accountability I get from the meetings. And the AT WORK meetings are so convenient, in our school Library right after school. I'm going to email the coordinator today to see if I can work something out.

I finally got my paper turned in, and am going to get started now on the one I have due on Monday. That will be the last one. I'm transferring to a local school next semester to finish my Master's, so I'll have a break from school after 12/15, which will be MUCH needed.

I've been trying to catch up on all the blogs I've been missing, and I'm so motivated by how some of you continue to have awesome success. I am also encouraged by those of you who continue to fall and pick themselves up (like me). It feels good to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

Oh, and I've figured out my mantra for the New Year. Looking Fine in 2009! This year it was Losing Weight in 2008, which I did! This is the first year since I had Kalela (in 2005), that I've started the new year weighing LESS than I did the year before! I would still LOVE to be under 300 by Jan. 1, but I'm afraid that falling off for the past month or so has killed that dream. But I'm still hopeful!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Thanks for the kind comments that were left on my page yesterday. I WILL keep trying, even if it mean starting over at every meal. I split a leftover donut with my daughter this morning on the way to school to "get rid of it." Yeah, right, but anyway.... I felt like I had already got off on the wrong track and my day was doomed. A few minutes after I got to school this morning, a student delivered this HUGE box of fruit that I had ordered about a month ago from another teacher. It's apples, oranges, and grapefruit from Florida. YUM! I felt like this was a sign, and now I will have plenty of good fruit (the local fruit around here is terrible this time of year) to eat.

Last night a fellow teacher who goes to my WW meeting invited me over to go through some clothes that were too big for her, but should fit me. I left with a huge trash bag of "new" clothing and a "new" coat, so I'm super excited about that! Some of the shirts were size 2x, and they fit! That was motivation to get my butt in gear and not to gain anymore weight. She is now in a size 18, and since I still have a lot of clothes in that size in storage, I'm going to let her go through those things. I think a clothing exchange is such a good idea for people who are losing weight. I wish WW meetings would suggest this more - it would save people a lot of money.

Right now, I think I've gained about 5 lbs, but it's TOM and I'm not getting on the scale until Monday. Our WW at Work meetings will re-start on Tuesday, and even though I can't afford it, I'm going to re-join. I desperately need the accountability that WW meetings give me. I'm just worried about doing it with my afternoon work schedule, but I'll find a way. I figure that some weeks I might need to go to another meeting location if I have to work on Tuesdays, but so far I've been off on Tuesdays so that may hold.

Well, I'm off to finish a paper that was due on Monday. I don't know why I have a mental block up and haven't completed it yet. I just can't get into it, and it's about 1500 words, so I can't just BS through it. Our sources were also limited to "peer reviewed journals", which I hate. I'm already re-thinking school... It's just one more thing on my overflowing list of things to do...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm back...

...and desperately in need of help getting back on track. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging regularly, but with two jobs and school full time I'm going insane. I don't have time to BREATHE. I checked my email and have over 500 unread messages. I got so overwhelmed I just signed out and haven't signed back in. I'm barely keeping my head above water. I need to come up with a plan...not just for weight loss, but for health and sanity.

My 2nd job is wearing me out. My body feels like I've been involved in physical torture. My feet, legs, and back ache so bad. I know I'm just not used to standing/walking for 8 hours at a time, and I know my weight plays a big role in this. I try to look at the positive - great exercise. But the negatives are screaming at me - tired, sleepy, pain. I'll make it through, though.

Because my schedule is new and I haven't adjusted, AND there's been a holiday thrown in, my eating has been erratic, too. I haven't got on a scale this week, but I'm sure I've gained. My plan is to get back on track immediately, and make all this exercise I'm getting at work pay off! I walk all over the store the whole time I'm there. I'm also squatting a lot. It literally FEELS like I am constantly exercising for 8 hours. I don't see how the people on Biggest Loser do it.

The evenings I do have off twice a week, I go straight to bed when I get home. Some days I even have to take a pain pill because my muscles are aching so bad. My body is in shock, I think. It's frustrating because I know that this wouldn't be killing me if I were thinner.

SO - I have decided to get my ass in gear. There's no time like the present to get back on track. I WILL take the time to prepare, so I will not be tempted to make bad food decisions. Let me tell ya, I could quickly get addicted to Starbucks Frappuccino's. But besides the fact it's an expensive habit and I'm poor, they are also high in calories. Oh, did I tell you we also have a Pizza Hut in the store? And Taco Bell next door? See how easy it is for me to get tempted when I don't have a plan in place? So, I've got today and tomorrow to come up with a plan, because I don't work at Target again until Thursday.

I'm going to the store today to stock back up on my healthy food. Thank goodness that Thanksgiving is over. That is the only time during this season that food is an issue for me. I know I can breeze through Christmas and New Years as long as I don't start baking (and since I don't have time to I'm not worried). I WILL BE UNDER 300 LBS BY NEW YEARS! NO EXCUSES!

I also am CLAIMING the time to blog at least once per day. When I'm blogging, I'm on track. Now...off to the dreaded INBOX...