Friday, December 11, 2009

Struggling!

This detox crap is HARD! SO much harder than it was the first time around. In a nutshell, I started, failed miserably the second day, re-started yesterday, and have did well today. Wednesday was hell... it seemed like I had donuts, cookies, and other assorted candy and cakes pushed in my face all day! I ended the night with a full-out binge (which I am not proud of at all). I felt like such a FAILURE. Why can't I "kick the habit"? Why does this have to SUCK?

It all goes back to the fact that I am ADDICTED to sugar and caffeine. They both do crazy things to my body, and I can't have either in my diet. I know detox sucks, but I have to do it. All I can do is one day at a time. I hope that this weekend is better. As you can see, it is a Friday night and I am home blogging instead of hanging out with friends at a bar. I decided that the temptation of alcohol and fried appetizers is NOT what I need right now. I need to stay focused, because honestly, my body feels like SHIT right now.

I am so bloated, and my clothes are starting to fit tight. TOM arrived today, so I am kinda glad that I can blame some of it on that. I am also hoping that by the time the week is over, I will be in SUCCESSFUL detox mode and will lose the TOM bloat and a little more weight at the same time. That will give me the boost I seriously need right now. I used to feel so confident when I looked at pictures, now I am feeling a little panicky because my face already looks fuller.... It's DO OR DIE TIME.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Day 1 of Detox...

...and I feel like "ugh". But I know that it's normal. No sugar, no caffeine. No "cheating". I do know that I overate at dinner tonight, but I had dinner by 6 p.m. and have stayed out of the kitchen since. I will eat something light for a snack before bed, because I know that will help keep my metabolism going through the night.

I also took all of my supplements today, even though I did not prepare the night before. I ended up lugging all the bottles to work with me in a Publix reusable shopping bag with my lunch, lol. But I have bagged them all up for the rest of the week and tucked them in my purse. I have also already packed my lunch for tomorrow. Hopefully making it through day one will make it easier to be successful tomorrow. This is just something I HAVE to do.

I watched the Biggest Loser finale tonight, and the transformations always amaze me. Yes, I am skeptical of losing that much weight in such a short amount of time, but the fact is they still lost it and they look great. I was particularly impressed by Rebecca. I really like the little short dress, but the hair color made her look older...

So many times today when I was craving sugar or something "bad", I just tried to imagine how I would feel if I were thin. I've never been thin. Ever. So I don't really know how that feels. But I know how I feel whenever I am eating right and losing. My stomach doesn't feel bloated, my heartburn and knee pain disappears, and I can just FEEL my body running like a well-oil machine. I haven't had that feeling in several months, so I'll be happy when I just get back to that. Lol, it's okay if I AM fat, I just don't like to FEEL FAT. Do ya feel me?

And as promised - some information about why I take the supplements I take.
_________________________________

GOOD FAT

I bet you never thought that essential fatty acids (EFAs) were precursors to hormone-like prostaglandins, they regulate every body function at the cellular level. This includes water retention, sodium balance, and fat metabolism. When it comes to weight control, fat also:

* Carries fat-soluable vitamins A, D, E and K through the bloodstream
* Activates the flow of bile
* Helps the body conserve protein
* Slows the absorption of carbohydrates to balance blood sugar levels
* Is a building block for production of estrogen, testosterone, and other hormones
* Is a precursor for serotonin, which controls cravings and elevates your mood

Every cell in your body is protected by a membrane that is composed largely of fat. Even the brain is 60% fat.

The Amazing Omegas

Two of the most important types of fat are the polyunsaturates omega-3 and omega-6. Alpha-linolenic acid (ALA) is the leading omega-3. It is found in cold water fish, such as salmon, tuna, and cod, and their oils; in oils made from flaxseeds, hemp seeds, and walnuts; and in soybeans, wheat germ, sprouts, sea vegetables and leafy greens.

Omega-3 fats raise your metabolism, help flush water from your kidneys and lower your triglyceride levels. These fatty acids also increase the activity of carnitine to help your body burn fat better.

Under ideal circumstances the body converts ALA into EPA and then into DHA and finally into prostaglandins (which, remember prostaglandins regulate every body function at the cellular level including fat metabolism). However, excess sugar, a high intake of trans fats, stress, vitamin deficiencies are among inhibitors of this transformation.

The omega-6 fat linoleic acid (LA) can be found in unheated, unprocessed safflower, sunflower and corn oil. The body can convert the LA into GLA and AA and then into prostaglandins but often as I mentioned above this process is inhibited.

It is advisable to rely on the GLA found in borage oil (24% GLA), evening primrose oil (8-10% GLA) or black currant seed oil (15% GLA). The omega-6 fatty acids stimulate your thyroid, thus raising your metabolism, and activate your brown adipose tissue (BAT) to burn fat rather than storing it in your white adipose tissue (WAT).

What is GLA that is found in Primrose Oil, Borage Oil & Black Current Oil?

The GLA found in evening primrose oil mobilizes the metabolically active fat known as brown adipose tissue (BAT). This special form of fat, if available in sufficient amounts, can burn off extra calories and boost energy. BAT is a special insulating kind of fat found deep within the body that surrounds the vital organs.

The series I prostaglandins created from GLA are believed to regulate many aspects of metabolism. GLA induced prostaglandins regulate BAT by acting as a catalyst to either turn it on to trigger calorie burning or turn it off by triggering calorie conservation. Prostaglandins are also connected to a metabolic process referred to as ATPase. ATPase is also known as the sodium pump, a biomechanical process necessary to keep the right amount of potassium inside cell walls and too much sodium out. GLA-rich substances such as evening primrose oil, by means of prostaglandin activity, control the sodium pump, which in turn revs up metabolism.

Here is how the sodium potassium pump works within (just so you can get a visual):

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0072495855/student_view0/chapter2/animation__how_the_sodium_potassium_pump_works.html

It was through research conducted by David Horrobin, M.D., at the University of Montreal, and M. A. Mir., M.D., a senior researcher and consultant physician at the Welsh National School of Medicine in Cardiff, Great Britian that demonstrated how the right kind of fat stimulates the body's metabolic ability to burn fat. Their work demonstrated that evening primrose oil was most effective for those who were overweight by at least 10 percent. The key to this calorie-burning mechanism appeared to be the way the GLA-rich evening primrose oil worked via the prostaglandin pathways, a network of hormones that control, (as we said before) virtually all body functions at the cellular level, including fat metabolism).

BAT is a high-energy fat. Its only job is to burn calories for heat. When properly activated, BAT can become your own fat-burning machine. The words being properly activated. In thinner people, according to researchers, BAT is quite active. However, in those overweight, tend to have more sluggish BAT. Age appears to be a factor as well, with BAT activity slowing down as we get older. Thermogenic vitamins, minerals, herbs, and amino acids can help stimulate BAT.

Omega-3 fats are burned off more quickly than other fatty acids, so when you diet you loose omega-3s first, unless you include EFA (essential fatty acid) supplements and food sources. Otherwise, if you lose weight at the expense of your omega-3 supplies, you'll find that you regain the weight easily and will have a hard time losing that regained weight. Your metabolism will have slowed because your body is less effective in using insulin when omega 3-fats are missing.

So, this is why I take evening primrose oil and flaxseed oil. Plus, these oils keep my skin soft and moisturized.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Time to D.E.T.O.X...

YES! I said it! Detox!

Back in April, I made a lot of changes in the way I went about my diet plan. I stopped doing weight watchers, and started doing my own plan... a plan that a friend of mine helped me conceive. It basically revolved around eating clean, balancing meals and snacks, and taking supplements that supported my body's natural ability to burn fat and charge my metabolism. I kicked my sugar and caffeine habit, and lost about 30 lbs before I stalled out this summer. The plan we came up with will forever change the way I eat. Even when I am going through periods like I am now, where my diet is not my #1 priority, I am always conscious of the rules of the game. Does that make sense?

I've really been struggling lately to get my head in the game. My exercise was going good until it got so cold outside I couldnt stand to walk anymore. My gym membership expired last week and I have no money to renew it. And until Saturday, my living room was much too crowded to pop in a DVD. Pile on STRESS, STRESS, AND MORE STRESS... and I've been eating like crazy. So today, I went back through the tons of notes and emails that Yvette sent me back during the Spring. I made notes, and decided that all the times I have tried to get back on track, I have been omitting an important step... Detox. Here is the email I found on the subject...

"When you cut anything out of your diet that isnt good for you, your body will go through a detox. The detox is equal opportunity, doesnt matter if your thin, overweight, etc, its just the nature of the human body. The detox last roughly 5-7 days. You can experience headaches from sugar and caffeine withdrawal, sometimes people have broken out in something similiar to a heat rash for a day or so, you can be moody / grumpy, feel fatigue from not getting that caffeine rush, unpleasant things, its just your body's way of freaking out because it is no longer getting what it was use to, kind of like a child. But like everything else the body gets over it. Eventually, you don’t miss what you no longer have, especially when you are fueling your body properly, you will no longer crave sweet things the way you used to.

The first few weeks for some are very difficult! Not only mentally, but physically - - BUT TOTALLY worth it. My analogy is having a baby, the labor hurts, the reward great!

Yes, I think that this is something you can do if you want to because wherever the mind goes the body will follow. However, the keys to success is having a plan as to what you will do during this time when you are not feeling that great. For example, when you really are wanting that ice cream, or have a headache or feel tired and what to throw in the towel, what are something things that you are going to be committed to doing to coping with the unpleasantness? Will it be to take a walk, will it be to call your friends, will it be to text me because you need to vent. Sort of like of labor, you know its going to be painful but what are some things that you are going to do to get through that time, to make different choices, to get different results. The better prepared you are the more successful you will be."

In order for my body to start functioning to lose weight, I need to go through a detox. Tomorrow will be day one. I refuse to wait another day! I feel like crap and I can't take it anymore. I did it once, and I know I can do it again. I have all my supplements, so I don't have any excuse to wait!

Speaking of supplements... a lot of you have emailed me since my last post asking what supplements I take. I will give you a list and a brief explanation for each. But since I have poured through so much of this info about the supplements today, I will share info about each of them over the next few days.

Calcium Citrate +D - helps with withdrawel headaches, plus vitamin D helps with mood
Tonalin CLA - reduces the body's ability to deposit fat and promotes the use of stored fat for energy
Flaxseed Oil - Contains Omega-3 fats, which raise your metabolism, help flush water from your kidneys and lower your triglyceride levels.
Multi-vitamin for Her - to cover the rest of my bases!
Evening Primrose Oil - The GLA found in evening primrose oil mobilizes the metabolically active fat known as brown adipose tissue (BAT).
Acetyl L-Carnitine 400mg + Alpha Lipoic Acid 200 mg - fat burner
Milk Thistle - a liver regenerator and helps with bile stagnation
AssistU - all natural appetite suppresant (http://us-nutrition.net/assistu-supplemental-facts/)

I love my supplements - they work! Even when I'm eating like crap, I can feel a difference in my body when I take them. So WITH healthy eating and exercise, I KNOW these pounds are about to start melting off again! This, friends, makes me excited.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Walking (in the dark)...

Just a quick post...

Thanks for the advice about ads. I have decided to moderate comments for now to see how that goes...

Eating - so, so. Struggling with some emotional eating at work. The students have been stressin' me out every since we got back from fall break. Every time someone brings candy I have a hard time NOT eating it. Sometimes I start eating the crap before my mind tells me that I really don't even want it! I have to start really paying attention. But I am not throwing in the towel and allowing myself to let it ruin my whole day. I'm picking right back up with healthy eating immediately.

Exercise - good! Been walking a lot! I missed yesterday b/c it was raining, but so far the cold weather and darkness hasn't stopped me. I just bundle up and GO! Tonight I was thinkin' that I couldn't believe I was outside walking in the cold and dark, but there I was! It's almost like I have to go! Too funny, but hopefully it's off-setting the eating.

Supplements - I am taking all my supplements again and can really tell a difference. I am never hungry and my energy is really good! Maybe that's why I suddenly feel like exercising again?

Ok, off to bed!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Advertising?

I am so confused about what to do about people who have been sticking advertising in my comments? Do I delete every one of them, or just let it ride? Any advise would be helpful...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

200 Followers?!?!

Wow, ya'll really like me, lol!

Just wanted to check in to let you all know I'm alive and still kicking. Still dealing with mood/depression issues, but things are better. Thanksgiving was a bust as far as eating goes... I had one plate of food and was so stuffed I contemplated vomiting to feel better. UGH! That pretty much killed it for me... I didn't even take leftovers.

My ex-in-laws came to visit Wednesday and left today, so I've been busy entertaining them. I enjoyed the visit, and think it's cool they still think enough of me and the kids to drive 12 hours to visit, but I'm glad to have a little peace. My house is destroyed and the laundry is high, so you know what I'll be doing for the rest of the day and tomorrow.

I took a 50 minute walk today to clear my head. The sun was out today, which was nice. Tomorrow is a new day and the food portion of my "holidays" is over. No more baking, no more birthdays... I'm done and ready to focus.

And by the way... I am tossing the scale until January 1. The damned thing makes me so mad and frustrated, and I am obsessing about it again. I don't need that right now, so its gone!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Happy Birthday, CJ...

Seven years ago today, I suffered a miscarriage. CJ was stillborn at 22 weeks gestation. It is still one of the worst experiences I've ever been through... For some reason I try to block out this day each year, but I never escape the sadness. On the bright side, God gave me a baby girl 3 years and 3 days later, and for that I am blessed. So, I've decided that instead of being sad, I will look forward to my baby turning FOUR on Saturday!

Today has been GREAT as far as eating goes. Again, I am eating good stuff and listening to my hunger cues. I tried baby carrots yesterday, and really love them with hummus - who knew? For breakfast I had a great smoothie, and for lunch lean turkey on whole wheat with baby carrots and hummus. I had an apple with peanut butter for a snack, and baked chicken, brocolli, and sweet potato fries for dinner.

Not being hungry helps so much - I feel more in control. When I got home tonight after picking my daughter up from tutoring and running to the grocery (for baby carrots!), I was changing out of my work clothes, and the next thing I knew I was on my way out the door for a walk. IN THE DARK, lol. I just felt like walking, so I did! I intended to walk around the neighborhood for about 30 minutes, but when I got home I discovered I had been walking for 55 minutes! I guess I just got in a zone...

The past couple of days has really been spent getting my "mind right". I really want to get back in touch with ME and start getting focused again. I am so important, and so worth the effort it takes to get healthy and lose weight. I am so blessed that I have been given the knowledge and tools for this journey. Now I just have to re-train my brain to stay focused on SUCCESS instead of all the other junk that gets in there, lol.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Moving forward...

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying

I guess I need to keep on walking, because I have actually been doing great this week! This weekend was relaxing, but also very emotional. As most of you know, I have TERRIBLE luck with men and have just came out of a bad relationship. Well, I felt myself {{{FALLING}}} again and had to put the brakes on. I am not physically, mentally, or emotionally ready for a relationship at this time in my life. SO, thank goodness for my Brooke. She gave me friendship and refuge this weekend so I could officially GET OVER IT!

But self-reflection is good sometimes, and I had to remind myself that I need to stay focused on ME and love myself above all others. Selfish? Not at all. I can't be any use to anyone, not even my kids, if I don't love myself first. Maybe this was a switch that needed to be flipped on, but staying on plan has been easy for the past two days. No cravings, no urge for emotional eating.

I cleaned out my pantry and refrigerator last week, and made a trip to the grocery and stocked it with good stuff last night! I have plenty of fruits and veggies and good, clean food to eat now. The junk is officially gone! So, if there isn't bad stuff to eat, there is no temptation. I'm focused on getting this GAIN off me. Yes, I said GAIN! Last week I stepped on the scale for the first time in a while, and was devastated to find that I'd GAINED almost 12 lbs! What????

I don't know why it was a big surprise. I guess because my clothes still fit. I noticed a pair of my jeans being a little tight in the waist, but everything else was fine. But what did I expect with the bad eating habits that had crept back in, along with the weekend drinking and free-for-alls I'd been having. I am thankful the damage wasn't worse! SO, now I know where I'm at and what I need to do. And, I'm actually DOING it. I am not waiting until after Thanksgiving or the holiday season. I want to show myself that I can do this NO MATTER WHAT.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Bad day to good day!

I've had a bad day. Work was so stressful! My students have been nuts since we got back from Fall break, and today was just one thing after another! Then, after work I had to deal with my mother... I usually can avoid her when I pick up my baby girl after school by just sending another kid in to get her, but today I had to pee, so I went inside. Ugh - just going to her nasty a** bathroom puts me in a funky mood! Thankfully, my children are my source of love and happiness right now, so after I picked them all up and we headed home I felt much better.

After dinner, I logged on to blog, then found that I had been featured on Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone at http://www.twofitchicks.org/. You've gotta be kiddin' me, right? First of all, I guess I was MIA from blogging world long enough that I didn't know MizFit and DietGirl had teamed up and were now doing podcasts! Second of all, I can't believe they picked me for a "human headline." Just when I was feelin' like such a weight loss FAILURE.

See, the past couple of days have been bad as far as eating for me. I lost control yesterday when birthday cake was being passed around my classroom, and I still haven't quite pulled it together. Stress, stress, and stress - combined with being sick with a cold - have pushed me right off the wagon. I haven't even been to the gym this week. Even if I had the TIME, I have been coughing and sneezing so bad I think it's best not to go. With H1N1 so rampant around here, they'd probably kick me out.

But when I came home today, I was feeling like such a failure. I was gonna blog about it, and saw the comment from MizFit, and now I feel so much better. Not just for getting the shout-out, but for the motivation I got from the podcast! It was awesome! I love MizFit and read her blog daily via email - but I also love Shauna and relate to her on so many levels. I read her book right after it came out (The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl) and if anyone knows about the ups and downs of dieting and losing weight its her. If you haven't read this book you must.

Anyway, here is some amazing things I took away (Not exact quotes):

From Shauna - Its okay to have a down period, but you can get back on track when you're good and ready.

From Carla - It’s okay to be a quitter… find something you are better at so you can get to your ultimate goal!

I WILL NOT QUIT when it comes to weight loss, but I AM going to quit a lot of the other bad habits I have picked up over the past few months. This past weekend was the first weekend at home I've had in MONTHS. No liquor, early bedtimes, and exercise instead of getting drunk, staying out until the sun comes up, and eating fast food to cure a hangover. I feel so much better, too, physically. But mentally - that's another story.

But mentally, I will get there, too! Things could be so much worse. Yeah, things are tough and times are hard. But I will get through, and I will get through without GAINING WEIGHT. I will keep getting back on the wagon because being on it is better than being off it. This is a journey that I am not going to quit. I really don't have a choice!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Great to be back!



First things first! Woke up this morning STARVING! It felt so good to wake up in my own bed and go into my own kitchen to make a bowl of pumpkin oatmeal. AND the sun was shining! I knew it was gonna be a good day.

Right after breakfast I decided to work out. But since it was sunny and warm outside, I decided to skip the gym and go on a walk instead. I walked for an hour, and was wore out! I took a route where I knew there would be several hills, and boy did I feel them! But the walk was so pleasant... I love the pretty leaves you see on the trees during his time of year.



So right after I got back from my walk, one of my besties called and asked if I'd be interested in helping her clean her mom's house for some extra cash. Being that I am BROKE, I jumped at it. But before I left, I had a healthy lunch of shrimp, broccoli with reduced fat shredded cheese, and a few sweet potato fries (I love these). I forgot to take a picture, though. I figured if I had a healthy lunch, I would be less tempted to eat things I shouldn't while I was away from home.

My plan worked, because I wasn't hungry at all until we were done about 5 hours later. We scrubbed cabinets, hung curtains, and shampooed the floors. I might as well just went and worked out again! Man, I am TIRED and SORE!

On the way home, my friend suggested we eat sushi for dinner. When I told her I'd never had sushi, she insisted we go. Since I had always heard sushi could be low fat and low cal, I thought it would be a healthy choice. I took some pictures, because I have NO IDEA what I had, lol. I let her pick and surprise me. Overall, I liked it. I requested no raw meat, and know that a couple of the rolls had salmon or crab. And I do know we had California rolls, too.



Will I eat it again? Maybe....

I'm off to bed. I have plans for church in the morning, and also getting in some gym time if my body cooperates!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Relentless!

Ok... so after reading over my last post, I decided that I sounded like someone that was just about to make a turn for the better, but that was making excuses and procrastinating! After some major drama with a friend yesterday, and after already feeling like the "time" had come, I have decided to DO THE DAMNED THING! I have the tools and resources, all I need now is the self-determination and willpower to make it happen. Its time to return to WEIGHT LOSS MODE.

After tonight, my cabinets will be cleaned out and ready to stock with good, healthy food. I have written out both a meal plan AND workout schedule. I have also cleared my weekends for a while. Party time is OVER. Its time to focus and be disciplined. That's not to say I will not go out, but weekends away from home are going to be a thing of the past for a while. In order to do this 100%, I need to be home and on a good schedule. Having unstructured, free-for-all weekends are not good for weight loss. The way I look at it, I've been kicking it and having fun for MONTHS. Now its time to get back to reality.

SO... Get ready to see a lot more of me on here. I am going to really use this blog as an accountability tool. Pretty soon, I am gonna share a really big part of my weight loss journey that I have kept quiet about for a while.

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that it was time to be RELENTLESS! I LOVE THAT WORD! I am WARRIOR WOMAN, right? And true warriors fight until they win! Or in my case, LOSE!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Walking around in the dark?

Does anyone wake up early to walk? Even when its dark outside? And cold?

I know SOMEONE out there HAS to do this... I think it may just be my new exercise routine? The walk I took on Monday has my WHOLE body hurting - which means it was a good walk! There were several big hills, and the intermittent running was great. I was brainstorming today, trying to come up with ideas of a fitness routine that would a. fit my busy schedule and b. I would be able to live with... I remember having a friend that got up every morning at 5 a.m. and went for a walk. Didn't matter if it was dark, raining, snowing - whatever - she would walk. Along with Weight Watchers, she lost a ton of weight and as far as I know has kept it off. I think I could just do it! I live in a rural suburban town, in a decent neighborhood - so I wouldn't be that concerned with safety. I would have to bundle up on cold mornings, but once I got moving it shouldn't be so bad, right?

So... then I was also thinking that my fall semester will be over in 4 weeks. After that, I can go to the gym 4 days a week instead of just 2 days. And if I actually start staying home one the weekends instead of going out, I can open up 3 MORE days to work out...

Speaking of going out... I know my good times are gonna have to stop. For a while, at least. I do so well during the week, but after a night of drinking and partying every Friday, Saturday is wasted on recovery (and maybe going out again). By Sunday I'm trying to get it together to go back to work. My weekends are fun, but not helping my weight loss efforts AT ALL. I can feel the party train coming to a stop - for a while at least. Maybe I'm getting it out of my system? Maybe the cold weather has me wanting to stick closer to home? Maybe I'm ready to start practicing some discipline and do what I KNOW I need to do to lose weight?

That also has a lot to do with why I want to move back to Nashville. I am so far away from everything where I live now, that when I do drive down to Nashville on Fridays to spend the weekend, its almost like I'm "out of town" for real. I'm staying somewhere that I don't have my normal food, I don't have an exercise plan...etc. But if I actually LIVED in Nashville, I could go out on Friday night and come back home and get right back on plan Saturday morning. I would be close to my bestie so we could walk every day (or most days). I would basically be able to have friends and still be able to have "normal" weekends at home.

My friends and our weekend outings have been an escape for me throughout this ordeal with my divorce. Not only does it allow me to have fun and have time out away from my kids, but its so much fun to dress up and feel good about myself when I go out. When I was married, I was so isolated from EVERYONE. That's why we live out in the country, because my ex wouldn't have it any other way. So since me AND my kids have a blast on our weekends away from home, I haven't really tried to change anything. But now, I know deep down its time to get back to reality. I really have to step up my game and get back into weight loss mode.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Still moving forward...

I'm still here! Been meaning to blog, but Ive been doing weird stuff like GOING TO BED EARLY, lol. Ive cut my Internet time way down over the past couple of weeks. It seems like my days go by pretty fast, and I'm now so tired at bedtime. And its only got worse since the time changed. So, I'm listening to my body and sleeping. After suffering from insomnia for so long, I guess sleep is long overdue.

I've been doing well as far as eating - not perfect, but I'm getting there. The scale is still stuck, but oh, well. My exercise still needs to get on track... I went to the gym Mon and Tues last week, but that's it. I struggle with waking up on time anyway, so waking up early is going to be a challenge. I skipped the gym yesterday in favor of going walking with my bestie. She just moved back from Texas about 6 weeks ago. We both had babies in 2005, and both had previously lost a ton of weight. And we both gained back everything we lost. We are now the same size, and both of us are trying to push each other to stay on track. It's nice to have someone to team up with! We walked around her neighborhood, and even RAN a little. There were some tough hills, and we felt great afterward.

The gym was a struggle today. I guess it had a lot to do with all the Halloween candy I ate at work today. I felt like sh*t, but still made myself go. I did 15 minutes of weights, and 45 minutes on the elliptical.

My monthly horoscope (which is always surprisingly accurate) said that I need to begin a fitness regimen on 11/16. I think it said something like my "body will be toned in ways that I can't imagine." Since I keep bouncing around the "get up early" idea, so I think it might be time to JUST DO IT. Especially since Ive actually been going to bed early. I'll keep ya updated on that one...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Feeling "normal"

The past few days have been pretty good as far as eating is concerned... almost back to "normal"... whatever the hell that is. We went to church Sunday for the first time since Easter - and that went well. Some of you know I have issues and reservations about church, but I really think I was meant to be there. You know how it is when you think the preacher is talking about you? Yeah, it was one of those sermons...

Both yesterday and today have been smooth eating days for me. Yesterday I had an unscheduled bowl of cereal before bed and a few Starburst at work, but today has been pretty damned perfect eating-wise. I even made it to the gym YESTERDAY and TODAY, which is huge. Both days I did 45 min on the elliptical and 15 minutes weights. Let me tell you, I can really feel those weights. My arms and legs are so sore... Tomorrow is the true exercise test... I have school Wed and Thurs evenings, so I won't have gym time. My goal is to do a DVD both days before bed. I've even been toying with the idea of {{{waking up early}}}...

My daughter is hating me so bad right now on all fronts. First, I put her on a diet. She complained of being hungry yesterday, so I added flaxseed oil and protein this morning and she said she felt much better. She also turned down a Little Debbie Nutty Bar that my mother tried to give her in exchange for a little pack of peanut butter crackers for an after school snack today. See, I'm still struggling with preparedness and time issues, so I forgot we had parent-teacher conferences right after school and didn't have a snack ready for her. She was so proud to announce that she turned down the Nutty bar in favor of the crackers, and I really praised her for making the better choice. I know both snacks aren't ideal, but the fact she TRIED to make a good choice is what I'm aiming for. She's mad at me now because I am putting her in tutoring - she can get over THAT one, too.

Sunday for church, I dug out an old dress that I haven't wore in over two years. I wore it to my college graduaton in May 2007 and havent touched it since because it was too tight. I remember wearing two girdles with this dress, and the circulation being cut off to my thighs during the two hour comencement ceremony. Then the long distance to and front of the car with thighs rubbing was murder. I was miserable. Here are some pics from that day...

So, I pulled this same dress out on Sunday and it was hanging off me... with no girdle. Sometimes I get down because I've only lost about 60 lbs, and have been stuck here for a while. But at least I'm not there anymore - more than 330 lbs and miserable in my skin and my clothes. Here is a picture from Sunday. This is definitely not perfection, but I'm getting there.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Intervention

This morning I had to have a "come to Jesus" with my daughter, but it was also for me. I decided to go to church this morning, and when my daughter was trying on clothes to wear, NOTHING fit. Nothing. All of her clothes for church from last winter were too small. These are all size L or 12 misses clothing... The last time she weighed, she weighed about 180 lbs. My daughter is 12 and 5'7". Last week one of her polos for school was too small - and it was a size XL (from Aeropostale so I know it runs small, but still).

I told her that getting on the wagon and taking control of her weight was no longer something whe had an OPTION of doing with me. When I slack, it opens the door for her to do the same thing. I know I have to lose weight for my own health and happiness, but I also have to do it for my daughter. She sees nothing wrong with her weight, because all of the kids at her school who she is friends with are just as big, or BIGGER. Now-a-days its the NORM for children to be overweight. NO WONDER! At my kids' schools, they serve stuff like honey buns and funnel cakes for BREAKFAST, and their lunches aren't much better.

SO I told her that we are going to start out with her drinking at least 8 cups of water each day, and that she is also going to stop eating at school. She can eat breakfaast with me, and I can back both of our lunches for school everyday. Needless to say, she has been moody and pissy all day about this. But over and over I told her that she is not FAT, but that she needs to start making healthy choices and improve her eating habits for LIFE. I also told her that took responsibility for her having these habits, and that I know I need to set a better example.

This weekend has been good. Something changed on Friday, and it was like all the cobwebs and clouds in my mind disappeared. I had a good night Saturday night, and returned home yesterday to a clean house (thanks to my niece). And I have felt pretty good both yesterday AND today, and I'm trying to keep the momentum going. I already know a lot of it has to do with improving my eating and re-starting my supplements. I also got some really good advice and inspiration Thursday night from a close friend, and also from a blog I read....

"When you’re down in a dark hole gripping tightly to a shovel, there’s an illogical, unreasonable temptation to dig, even though digging can’t get you back to safety and can only make a perilous predicament even worse. Now’s the time for you to set aside the spade, take a deep, cleansing breath and start making that long climb back into the sunshine. Climbing is hard work, to be sure, but you know what? So is digging."

I read this on Jack Sh*t's blog the other day, and it was like an alarm went off in my head. It's time for me to stop digging, and to start CLIMBING!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm trying...

Well, I think today was a little better. I seem to be able to "fake it till I make it" until I get home. Then it just goes downhill. My house is a disaster, and I have no drive or energy to get it cleaned up. It's just a mess, and I feel overwhelmed. I am unhappy here... and I know that's why I never want to stay here anymore. The more I'm at home, the worse it gets. But I really don't have any choices in that area right now.

I started taking my supplements again today, and added Vitamin D. Someone commented the other day on here about how that might help, so I've been researching it for the past few days.

"Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, is a situational mood disorder brought on by decreasing daylight in the winter months. High doses of vitamin D during these months have proven to be a very effective natural remedy for SAD, leading most practitioners to believe that normal neurotransmitter function depends in part on adequate vitamin D synthesis."

I also read where African-American women in my age bracket are also more likely to have vitaman D deficiencies - largely due to the fact we have more melanin in our skin plus some other factors. I figure that adding a supplement can't hurt... I know that when I was taking my supplements faithfully this spring, I saw a lot of weight loss and felt GREAT.

I am not planning on taking the antidepressant I've been prescribed anymore. I HATE the way I feel in the mornings, and don't need anything else sapping my energy and making me feel tired. I might even try to investigate a supplement for that, too. Anyone have ideas on St. John's Wort? Exercise is a huge mood booster for me, but my gym hours suck! 6 a.m. - 9 a.m. is not working for me. I'd love to be able to get up early and get to the gym by 5 a.m., or even go at night after the kids go to bed. DVD's and exercising at home require motivation to get my ass up off the couch... I don't have that. Plus, being that I don't like being home in the first place... you see where I'm getting at?

The crazy thing is that I KNOW that when I put good stuff in my body, that my body reacts in a GREAT way. Why the hell can't I just get it together? Why can't I hold it together when I get home everyday? Maybe its because I am so isolated here? I live 40 minutes from all my friends and people that I'm close to. And that sucks. I think when my lease is up I am going to move. I can't go and simply hang out or have girl time. I feel stuck in this small town. Like I said, my gym hours suck and the next closes gym is 30 minutes away - not convenient at all. If I were in Nashville, I'd have my pick of gyms that are both close and affordable.

OK...tomorrow is another new day. I will not give up, and I will keep on trying to pull this together!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Facing the Facts

I am depressed.

I think I've been fighting it for a while. Using friends, attention, and alcohol as distractions. But for the past couple of weeks, I can just feel my "positive" slowly fading away... and it feels really dark right now. Although I know I have friends, co-workers, and my wonderful children behind me... I feel very alone.

I went to the dr. last week and he gave me an antidpressant that is supposed to also help me sleep. But I don't think I like the way it makes me feel... Yeah, I'm sleeping great. But so groggy when I wake up. I tried taking it earlier in the afternoon, but then I'm useless for the rest of the day. No energy... AND, I feel like I can't get full. I'm constantly hungry. Apparently, that is one of the side-effects.

So, in my mind I know what I need to do. And as of today, I think I have the tools to do it. I have been trying to eat right, but today I just FAILED miserably. I am sitting here typing, and so miserably full that I want to go puke. Tomorrow is a new day, and all I know to do is to just go to bed, end this day, and start over tomorrow. I just know that I hate the way I feel right now - physically and mentally.

I want to be happy, I want to lose weight, and I want to achieve my goals and be successful. Now, I just need to dig deep and find the drive I need to move forward.

I WILL TRY TO MAKE TOMORROW A BETTER DAY!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

So CLOSE!

OK, so yesterday I mentioned that I had a small epiphany this weekend. I think the realization has really helped me get back on the right road. Yesterday and today have been better as far as eating, but not perfect. But I am also in a funk of sorts - I think I am pouting because I still wanna go out and pretend I'm in my 20's instead of my 30's. And I really want a cigarette...ugh.

Saturday a friend/co-worker had a yard sale. We went to Weight Watchers together, and last fall I gave her a ton of size 18 winter clothes that I couldn't wear. There is a lot of history behind these clothes for me. I bought these clothes in late 2004, early 2005 when I had lost 100 lbs. I was in a size 18 for the first time since I was in 8th grade (at the time I was about 28). It was also my first experience with shopping in "regular" stores. As far as my appearance, I was so confident. I looked good, and I felt good. My lowest weight was 239 lbs.

It was not long after that that I reconciled with my now-ex-husband, and got pregnant with my 3-year old. I went from 239 lbs to 281 when I gave birth. Not too bad...considering I was on bedrest for 20 weeks, flat on my back. BUT after I had the baby, I didn't lose weight. I gained. And gained. And gained. Until I had gained all the weight back, plus some. My marriage started going BACK downhill as soon as I got pregnant, and at the same time I decided to finish my bachelor's degree. Honestly, I didn't even try NOT to gain. I was just oblivious to ME for a long time. I lost sight not only to my weight struggle, but to everything concerning me.

Ok, so back to these clothes... All of my "skinny" clothes hung in my closet for a long time. I mentally could not pack them away, because the failure of re-gaining all the weight I'd lost was just too much for me to accept. I finally gave a way a bunch of clothes to a relative, then packed away the rest. When I met this friend at WW and then started working with her, I was happy to offer them to her. She had lost a TON of weight and was just entering that size. At the time I was 300+ lbs, and even though I was on WW, I had no realistic plans to ever where those clothes again for quite some time. It just seemed so out of reach.

So on Saturday when I was offered these clothes back, I was too happy to get them. Since my friend is moving out of state when she gets married, she is selling her house and getting rid of everything. She told me that since I had lost so much weight, and since she couldn't wear the clothes anymore, I could come pick them up during the sale. When I got home, I felt like a kid on Christmas. All the clothes were there, perfectly folded, and in the same like-new condition. I stripped down to my underwear and started trying some of the things on - just to see how far I had to go. Guess what... I don't have far at all!

I was FLOORED. I totally didn't realize how close I was to being back to my pre-pregnancy size. All of the pants could pull up and **almost** button. Some of the shirts even fit now! I'd say 20 - 25 pounds is all I need to lose to comfortably wear these clothes. In the grand scheme of things, that's not that bad at all! Hell, if I get my ass in gear, I might even be able to wear this stuff by New Years. New Years! That's not long at all! Oh, man. I am so close and I didn't even know it!

So with this new incentive, I am ready to get off this plateau and start moving in the right direction. Granted, I am thankful for the plateau because it could have easily been a gain with the madness I've had going on for the past several months. But I am ready to start being a loser again. I am ready to feel good about my habits like I used to. In two days I have been going to sleep at a decent time, and I have also been drinking water and eating better. I am going to start taking my supplements again, too, and then starting next week I am going to get back into some sort of exercise routine. TOM will be gone by then, and I'll be ready (I'm just not feeling it right now). But overall, I am feeling focused and feel convicted about losing weight again.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Bad habits...

I need my ass kicked for letting almost a month go by with no blogging! WTH! I mean, I THINK about it all the time... just don't make the time. But lately, I really haven't been MAKING the time to do anything toward losing weight. Thank goodness I've pretty much maintained. I don't know a number because I'm scared of the scale right now. I've pretty much been on a binge-fest for days. Add that with TOM and ... well, no scale.

I have let bad habits take over. Not so much food-related bad habits, but other vices that are not good for me. Alcohol being one of them. And smoking. And partying... a lot. Honestly, I have just lost my mind. Maybe its a defense mechanism....? Things got so bad I just decided to go somewhere else... a happy place, if you will. I surrounded myself with friends who were more than willing to party with me (and pay for it). My kids were happy and taken care of - so why say no? Not when saying YES is so much fun! Right?

Well... I'm not ready to totally admit the err of my ways. But I will admit that too much of anything is just that - to damned much! My body basically feels like shit. The alcohol+cigarettes+no sleep+no water+bad food=not a good combo for weight loss. The only reason I don't think I've gained a ton is that I have constantly been on the move for about 4 weeks. We just got off of a two week fall break that was busy, busy, busy. So I didn't have a chance to sit around and eat a lot - and after drinking all night I really don't feel like eating until after at least noon. (can you tell I'm being honest here?)

I guess I need a dose of honesty right now - for myself. Once I started being honest with myself, I knew it was time to slow my ass down. So, over the past few days I've been trying to move in the right direction. I've stopped smoking (don't know why I started - I only smoke when I drink). I cut my alcohol consumption to only 2 days last week. And today, on my first day back at work, I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch. AND drank water. Something happened last week that made it all so clear to me. I know what I need to do.

I'll save that epiphany for another post!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Can you define "normal"?

First off, I want to thank all of you for the prayers and nice comments that you have left me over the past several weeks. I have always received so much encouragement and support on this blog - I think it's just amazing. LIFE has calmed down just a bit... I still have a crazy ex on the loose. I am still broke. And I am still struggling with being a single mom. BUT, at this point I choose to focus on the positive. We are safe, and we continue to be blessed. Yeah, I did think I was going to lose my mind for a while, but I didn't - just some of it!

At one point over this weekend, I decided that I felt really good and was back to my "happy place". Even with all the madness around me, I have this "happy place" I crawl into, where I don't worry about tomorrow, and I don't worry about the past. In that place, I only live for the moment. And at that moment, I was happy. I was at my best friends house, surrounded by laughter and positive people. I decided that I just couldn't dwell on things that are out of my hands. Of course, I knew this already. But I guess I just needed a reminder...

This is my 2nd day back on plan. I decided on Sunday that I couldn't keep eating like sh*t anymore. Yeah, its quick and easy. Yeah, it tastes good. But the stomach bloat I was feeling was uncomfortable. The muffin top over my jeans didn't look so good. And did I see the double chin creeping back on? Oh NO! So I woke up yesterday and decided to eat healthy, one meal at a time. I decided that I would eat clean, balance my meals, drink lots of water, and go to the gym. And guess what? I did it!

This morning when I woke up my damned truck wouldn't start. It was pouring down rain, and I had no one to call for help. Thank GOD for nice neighbors who gave us a ride to school. So, staying focused on eating at school was a struggle, because I was having a bad day, right? But somehow, I made it through. I got a ride home, but had no way to go to the gym. So I mowed my lawn and got a great workout. It's been raining like a dog here in TN for the past week or so, so the grass was thick and damp - hard to push mow. By the time I got finished I was SO tired, but tired in a "burned a lot of calories" way.

Normally, I have class on Wed and Thurs night, so I can't go to the gym. But guess what? Class got cancelled this week, so I plan on hitting the gym tomorrow after school. My gym bag is already packed from this morning. I can already tell a difference in how I feel. I still have bloat, but it's also TOM so I blame him for that. I am optimistic that I can have another good day tomorrow. I know I CAN do it. I just have to WANT it bad enough to focus and JUST DO IT. No matter what happens, I need to do this for me.

Oh, and the scale obviously knew that I needed some help - I've only gained 3.6 lbs! I got on and off several times to make sure - I was sure that number was closer to 10 lbs! And I would have deserved it - every pound! But now that I don't have so much back-tracking to worry about, I can concentrate on moving forward. I want to be 260 lbs by November 7 (TSU's homecoming). Jess and I are making plans to join in the festivities, and I want to look good! Now that I have a goal in mind, it's time to put in the work to achieve it!

BTW - I do miss you guys so much! I have a lot of catching up to do. I can't promise to blog daily since I can't blog from work anymore, but I promise to not go weeks at time anymore. I also got a new cell phone, and plan on using Twitter a lot more. If you Twit, follow me!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Really quick...

I just wanted to quickly post to explain why I've been MIA. My stress and problems have ballooned to the point where I am overwhelmed. My ex has been causing a lot of problems, to where I may have to move again so he can't bother me and my children. The problems have escalated over the past two weeks, to where yesterday I came home from work to find that he had broke in my house and stolen everything of value. I am trying to get the police to assist me, but they treat me like crap and won't help me. FINALLY today I got the powers-that-be to give me an order of protection.

So basically my children and I have been bouncing around like we are on the underground railroad. I keep waiting and waiting for things to get better, but it seems like they keep getting worse.

I think about all of my "blog friends" all the time, but even with a laptop I do not always have internet access. And now they have a new rule at school that we can not use the Internet to get online for personal stuff, or we might get fired. That means no blogging from work, either.

I promise to try to get it together by next week. I have not gain or lost, so I guess that's good. Somedays I feel like I wanna eat all day, but then some days I don't want to eat at all.

I'm literally falling asleep as I type...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Day 2 - Feeling snacky...

Yesterday went well. I stayed on point, even though I did end up eating more calories than I should have. At the end of the night I was hungry and ate a bowl of cereal that was MUCH too big. But I measured it out so I could account for it. I ended the day with about 1800 calories and 135 ounces of water. I was unprepared for my evening class food-wise, so I rushed home and made a sandwich to take with me so I wouldn't be starved and tempted to eat something bad. I think that's why I was so hungry at bedtime. Next Wednesday I will be better prepared. And my class time got bumped from 4:30 to 5 p.m., so I'll have more time to go home and get something good.

Today has been good so far. I found a website that I really like to log my food with. I'm sure you all have heard of it... www.livestrong.com. I actually found it by accident. I was trying to look up NI for my fruit today, and found a website called The Daily Plate. I guess these two sites are linked, because on Livestrong you can log all your NI and exercise using the Daily Plate's database. I really like it because it has EVERYTHING - even store brands. And it's user friendly. I went back and journaled everything for this week so far. Remember my off-day on Tuesday? Yeah, I calculated that was a 3000 calorie day! Damn! But it's good to know what kind of damage even a "little" slip can do.

I was supposed to have class this afternoon, too, but my Wed. teacher also teaches my Thurs. class and I found out that she was not going to be there so I skipped. I also skipped the gym, but vow to do a DVD before I go to bed. I've used about 1000 calories so far today because I've felt so snacky! I went to the grocery yesterday and got some peaches and strawberries that I took to work for snack today. Even though I wasn't hungry, I had ate all the fruit before lunch. And then ended up eating a LUNA bar after lunch. I'm planning for a turkey burger and some veggie for dinner, so hopefully I'll still come out ok as far as calories go.

I'm kinda confused about the calories, too. The Livestrong site says that for my height and weight, in order to lose 2 lbs each week I need to eat 2100 calories. That seems WAY too high for me, because when I was losing before I was eating around 1200 calories. I usually try to keep in around 1500 at the highest. But you know, for this week, I think the real victory is that I'm journaling and even KNOW how many calories I'm eating! I'm still so bloated from TOM I'm not really expecting a loss anyway, so maybe if I can trudge through the weekend and keep up my good habits I can set a target for Monday. I have been consistent all week with drinking over 100 ounces of water, and no caffeine, so that's good, too.

Something funny happened last night. I got a message on Facebook from some guy that wanted to buy my blog for $100. WTF? Any of you that are friends with me on Facebook know I play Mafia Wars and have almost 1000 friends, so I get several friend requests every day. I just always accept everyone, but apparently this guy had went to my Facebook account from this blog. I was insulted (because my blog is priceless to me), and removed him from my friends on Facebook. My blog is NOT FOR SALE, lol.

Yesterday my stress level felt a lot better, and today it's been good, too. Yeah, the problems are still there. But I'm really trying to just take one day at a time and get through it. Tomorrow will worry about itself...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 1 - again...

I did not stick to my plan yesterday. I did not go to the gym. I almost had a binge. Almost.

I won't go into details, but things got very emotionally rough for me yesterday. Just too much shit. I wasn't feeling well yesterday, and had my blood pressure checked. Guess what? It was high! I have NEVER had high blood pressure! I came home from work, put on my gym clothes, and headed out for the gym. But I had to stop by the post office before they closed. It was sometime during my drive that I got the "fuck it" attitude and stopped for pizza. My legs hurt like hell from running on Monday, and I generally just felt like shit. I brought the pizza home, and in my mind somewhere I gave myself permission to "start over tomorrow".

After the second slice of pizza (when the heartburn set in) I came to my senses. Yeah, I felt really disappointed that I let myself down. Ironically, I felt even more disappointed that I would have to confess to the blogging world that I'd failed. But I also knew that it could have been much worse. I'm not making excuses, or justifying what I did, but I could have ate the whole container of cupcakes on my kitchen table. I could have ate the whole box of Lucky charms. I could have went to Kroger and bought cookie dough. I mean, I really had considered all of this! But I didn't do any of it. I basically locked myself in my room for the rest of the night and cried it out. I know food doesn't fix the kind of stress I'm going through. I don't know why I always think it will.

So today I start over. I woke up, got dressed, and came in the kitchen to fix my smoothie and WAS OUT OF FROZEN STRAWBERRIES! I had already dumped the protein powder in the water in the blender, so I tried using ice instead. It was a mess, so I just dumped it out and ate a bowl of fiber one and light soy milk. May I add that I MEASURED my cereal and milk so I could journal it. I also sat down this morning and journaled everything I ate after I fell from the wagon yesterday. At least I still got 135 oz. of water in yesterday...

And guess what? One of the things I was so stressed about was how I was going to make my paycheck stretch so I could pay my rent and live for two weeks. I got a text from my ex last night telling me he had just left money in my mailbox. I'm guessing he is still strung-out so he didn't want the kids to see him. It was exactly enough for me to pay what needs to be paid and still have enough left over for gas and toilet paper. Do you think that was some sort of sign? I did... God always provides, right? Even from places (or people) you least expect it from.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One year ago today...

I was on SparkPeople today looking at fitness videos when I realized that today is the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my commitment to a healthy lifestyle. One year ago, I stepped on the scale at a Weight Watcher's meeting and weighed 333 lbs., my all time highest weight. I have been on a journey ever since. I have stumbled and fell on my face along the way, but I have NEVER given up. I will not give up. I am determined to get to 160 lbs, and I know I will do it.

I stole this from my friend Heather on SparkPeople...

To Achieve your Dreams Remember your ABC's.....

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits.
Believe in yourself.
Consider things from every angle.
Don't give up and don't give in.
Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come.
Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches.
Give more than you planned to.
Hang on to your dreams.
Ignore those who try to discourage you.
Just do it.
Keep trying no matter how hard it is
Love yourself first and most.
Make it happen.
Never lie, cheat or steal….always strike a fair deal.
Open your eyes & see things as they really are.
Practice makes perfect.
Quitters never win & winners never quit.
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.
Stop procrastinating.
Take control of your own destiny.
Understand yourself in order to better understand others.
Visualize it.
Want it more than anything.
You are unique..nothing can replace YOU.
Zero in on your target and go for it.

Day 2 - I am in control.

Yesterday went really well. Not only with the eating, but with the mood as well. I stuck to my goals and finished the day with about 11oo calories and 135+ ounces of water. Kinda on the low side, but I was completely satisfied. I did make it to the gym yesterday, and did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the dreadmill. May I add that I jogged 5 out of those 30 minutes? I could only jog in 1-minute intervals, but it felt so good. I started to cough about half-way thru the time on the treadmill, but it wasn't bad so I pushed thru. I really need to get as much walking/jogging time in as possible to train for the upcoming 5K.

I felt like I was in control yesterday. I was not hungry, and I didn't have any crazy urges to cheat or go off my plan. Even though I still have cupcakes from my daughters party still sitting on my kitchen table... But I grilled chicken breasts for dinner and leftovers, and did not mind my steamed veggies instead of salad. I really DO NOT like vegetables, so it's always hard for me to eat them. But I will, because they are good for me. I plan on going to the gym tonight, but unfortunately I left my I-pod at home and will have to go home first. Hopefully I will not get sidetracked...

I found out yesterday that my next door neighbor hand her son have H1N1 (Swine flu). The little boy got it first, and now the mom is sick with it. They will be ok because they caught it early. But it still miffs me a little that they have not made an announcement at the school that there has been a confirmed case. The little boy goes to my son's school, and his brother (who is not sick yet) is in my youngest daughter's class at another school. The absentee rate at the schools in our district have been really high for the last two weeks - it seems like they should have figured out by now they need to shut things down until these kids get well.

I "remembered" yesterday that my on-campus classes start tomorrow - so my gym plans will be wrecked. I will have to go to school on Wed and Thurs afternoons. And now they childcare at my gym is closed on Friday afternoons. I will simply have to figure out another way to get activity. I have PLENTY of DVD's to choose from, and the weather is getting cooler so walking around my neighborhood is always an option, right? I just LOVE going to the gym, and hate that I will have to do something else.

Ok... so here goes for a successful day 2! Wish me luck...

Monday, August 24, 2009

What a weekend...

This weekend simply wasn't long enough. Even though I didn't plan on it, I went out Friday night. I had a mini-reunion with a good friend from high school and it was great times. Saturday, my oldest daughter had her birthday party, which included a slumber party with about 10 pre-teen girls. Honestly, it was a good group and things went pretty smooth - but by Sunday morning when they left I was wore out! I took a nap, though I hated sleeping away such a glorious day outside. It was only 79 degrees in Middle Tn yesterday! We ended up getting out yesterday afternoon so that my daughter could spend some of her gift certificates. I got my truck cleaned out, and made a run to Wal-mart.

Today I was reading this article on Diet.com about sticking to your weight loss plan for 21 days with NO CHEAT days. Thinking back to April, when I first started my new plan of eating clean/no sugar/no caffeine - I didn't cheat for at least 21 days, if not longer. And the weight came off in good numbers. So, I've decided to challenge myself. Starting today, I commit myself to healthy eating for 21 days - NO CHEATING! That includes no caffeine, no added sugar, clean eating (90%), at least 100 oz. of water daily, and keeping a food journal. I will limit my alcohol consumption to Friday's only and will keep the drinks as "diet friendly" as possible - meaning no margaritas, no sugary cocktails. I will also journal these drinks and account for them. I heard a long time ago that doing something for 21 days makes it a habit, and I need to definitely get back in the habit of healthy eating.

I am also going back to the gym today. My bag is packed and waiting for me in my truck. I am still coughing a little, but I don't think it will be an issue. I NEED to exercise. My body misses the good chemicals it gives my brain. I am in a huge funk and I need something to help me shake it. I feel like I'm fighting to get out of bed in the mornings. Things are so crappy right now, and I need to concentrate on things I can control. Eating right and exercise are definitely still things that I can control in my life.

TOM is here, and I have that yucky, bloated feeling that I HATE. I forgot to WI this morning, but will try to remember in the morning. I love not being a slave to the scale anymore. It's just an indicator of progress now - it does not define who I am and how I feel. My clothes tell me I'm doing a good job or if I'm slacking.

I'm trying something new for lunch today. I'm SO tired of salads, and have wasted so much lettuce over the past few weeks because I am subconsciously "forgetting" to pack my salad everyday. Honestly, I know I just don't want the damned thing! So yesterday at the store, I got a few bags of broccoli and cauliflower that you steam in the bag. They only cost a little over $1 per bag. I also had some grilled salmon and talapia filet's in my freezer that I had bought a while back. So for lunch, I am going to have a piece of fish and the whole bag of veggies. I figure I can find a plate somewhere (since I forgot to bring one from home). Hopefully this will go well, because I am cooking a bag of boneless/skinless chicken breasts tonight. Grabbing either a piece of chicken of fish (or even tuna) in the morning, plus a bag of veggies is easy and healthy. I'm still getting my veggies, and I'm not having to eat a salad.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Getting over it!

My day absolutely TANKED yesterday. The rain and gray skies brought in a bad mood, which only got worse until I went to bed. I woke up with the same sh*tty mood. Ugh! So, as I'm reading through the blogs on my blogroll, I came across this on Fat Daddy's blog:

"I like Hollie and her blog. I have had a link to her for a while now, and if you read her you will come to understand she is a warrior. She has been through a lot..."

Let me just say, this made my day. I don't feel like a warrior. Lately I've been feeling like a failure. It is so hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. But you know what? I am a damned warrior! I am fighting right now - not just the Battle of the Bulge, but the Battle to Provide for my Children, and the "Battle to Make Ends Meet", and most importantly, the Battle to STAY SANE! I will not lay down, and I will keep fighting until I conquer all the evil forces that try to keep me down! I will WIN because I will NOT GIVE UP!

I started this blog nearly one year ago. Never in a million years did I ever dream I would have 122 followers a year later. I just wanted somewhere to put my thoughts about this journey, because at the time I had no one to lean on. I knew it was the time in my life where I NEEDED to make a change. I have received so much inspiration and encouragement from the blogs I read and from the comments that are left on this and other blogs. It really does keep me going, and it keeps me focused on the road ahead of me.

For the first time in a LONG time, I believe I CAN AND WILL DO THIS! I know I am not one of those people that can stick with a plan 100% all the time, but I can make positive changes that will add up over the long run and end up being a lifestyle for me. I am not the same person who used to binge on donuts in Walmart. I am not the same chick that used to hoard Cadburry eggs so I could eat 3 or 4 of them at night before I went to bed. I am not the same person who buys sugary snacks for my children to eat. I am changing, and my family will change, too. It might not happen this year, it might not happen next year, but I will reach my goal weight. I have already claimed it!

I got another good quote in my inbox this morning. It's my time to fly!

"When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go. Only one of two things will happen. Either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly!"


Thursday, August 20, 2009

Where did my sunshine go?

My favorite part of Spring/Summer are the days the sun is out and they sky is bright blue. A few little clouds can dot the sky, but I love sunshine. Unfortunately, there's no sunshine in my area of TN today. Ugh.... And to top it off my cough is getting worse instead of better! AND TOM is trying to come early. Basically, my body doesn't feel very well, but I'm not letting it get me down.

My boyfriend has been out of town and I'm looking forward to seeing him this afternoon. I'm trying to brainstorm for a good, healthy dinner tonight. I'm probably gonna go with chicken because everyone likes that, but I don't know how I'm gonna prepare it. If it were not so rainy I could do a good marinade and throw it on the grill... sorry - thinking "out loud".

My son is doing fine today, as expected. He is very happy to have a day off with his grandmother, who will feed him all the junk he can eat. I guess it IS better to be safe than sorry, because so many kids in our system have been out with flu. Someone told me that they had already sent 10 kids home from his school when they called me yesterday. It might be better that he's NOT there so he won't get sick.

In my comments yesterday, MochaTrina asked about books for children with Autism. I would recommend "The Out of Sync Child" to any parent or teacher - not just parents/teachers who are around Autistic children. It is one of the best books I've ever read as a parent, and a helpful resource as a teacher. So many children have sensory issues that get diagnosed as something else... And sensory problems can also coincide with other diagnoses. My son has had sensory issues since birth, and being "hot natured" is just something we deal with. It wasn't until I started taking classes for my Special Education endorsement that I learned this is a common problem in Autistic children or children with sensory issues.

Jess cooked for my daughter last night, and I wore a shirt and a pair of denim capris I haven't wore in a few weeks. Out of the dryer, both were SO much looser! I was pulling my size 22 pants up all night, and my shirt didn't even showcase my muffin-top like usual! I also got my T-shirt for the 5K... I had ordered a 2xl and it is too big! I am so used to feeling STUFFED in a 2xl that I didn't think about getting an XL. I feel so positive about my weight loss right now because I am SEEING difference, and apparently everyone else is, too. I am getting so much more attention, which is a good and bad thing. I usually like to blend in and stay in the background, but I like it when people notice I've lost weight... catch 22 right?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm HOT!

Not just hot because it feels like a sauna outside, but hot because I just had to pick my son up from school for a fever that he doesn't have! They said he had a 101 deg. fever, but when I got him home it was 97.3. He stood outside for a fire drill for 15 minutes in 100 degree heat with a black shirt, jeans, and black sneakers. When he came inside, he told the teacher he "felt hot" and she sent him to the nurse, who took his temp and came up with 101. Um... if you had stood baking outside you'd be hot too! Plus, children with autism sometimes have trouble regulating their body temperature... which he does. He's ALWAYS too hot - even wears short sleeves in the winter. SO... he can't go back to school until Friday b/c of the "24-hour fever free" rule. Give me a f*cking break!

Today I have felt very "blah". Had to take my mom to the dr. this morning, then as soon as I got back to work I had to leave again to go get my son to take him to my mom, then come BACK to work. I have NOT eat well today because my day has been crazy. I think I'm going over to Jessica's tonight b/c she wants to cook dinner for my daughter (who turned 12 yesterday). I love Jess b/c she always makes sure to cook something low-fat/clean for me to eat, too. She is totally supportive of me losing weight and I love her for it.

I am almost over this cough, so I am going to pack my gym back and will try to go after work tomorrow. I MISS the gym, and I really need it right now. I never thought I would miss the gym... go figure.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

One day at a time...

I was talking to my boyfriend this morning about all the crap I have going on in my life right now - sometimes it seems like I can't catch a break. If it weren't for the fun times and laughter that gets sprinkled into my week, I would be suicidal. I found out yesterday that my ex is smoking crack again, so that means he has probably already quit or got fired from his job. That also means that I will be going from not getting enough child support to none at all. SO... I am just going to go with the flow. I am so broke, I can't pay attention (lol). The worst that can happen is that I won't be able to pay my rent and I'd have to move. But I'm blessed that I know I will have some place to stay. I decided to take things one day at a time, and not worry about tomorrow until it gets here.

I was talking to my good friend Yvette last night, and she told me something I really valued. She said that when a woman has a baby, the worst part of the birth process is the time right before the baby is born. Just when a woman thinks there's no way she can push again, and that she can't take the pain anymore, a beautiful baby is born. When a mother looks at that beautiful baby, she forgets all about the previous few minutes, and focuses on the blessing she is holding. She compared the time that I'm going through in my life to giving birth, saying that this is the time where I don't think I can go any further, and that there's no way I can handle anymore pain. But before I know it, I will push through it and there will be such a blessing to behold. Thanks, Yvette... I needed those words of wisdom.

I started out with a protein smoothie this morning, and plan on having Subway for lunch. Today is my oldest daughter's birthday - she is finally 12! So I am going to run out and get Subway for both of us and have lunch with her at school. I really love it that she goes to the same school I work at now... I can keep my eye on her. She is having a sleepover on Saturday night, so that should be interesting. I told her she could invite boys from 7 - 10 p.m. for the "cookout" portion. That seemed to make her happy.

I am also trying to decide if I want to start going back to church somewhere. It seems like God has laid this on my heart more than once, but I always have an excuse. First it was that my kids were with their dad, but now that he's sucking on a crack pipe that's not gonna be happening. My other excuse is that I was spending Sunday mornings with my boyfriend, but now I will have the kids and won't be doing that either. Something is telling my that God just cleared my excuse list... but I still don't know if I want to go.

Gotta go teach the spelling lesson... bbl.

Monday, August 17, 2009

One Lovely Blog Award goes to..... ME!


I actually received this award over the weekend from TWO people who read this blog. Thanks to Skye at Skye's the Limit and Mochatrina at Ah...Me So Hongry! The rules of the award are I must:
  1. Acknowledge the giver
  2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs I love:
Well, that's easy! Besides Skye, who I have been following for a while and who has recently come back on the blogging scene, and Trina, who I just found and already LOVE, here are some favorites (in no particular order):

1. Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit - Yes, he is lovely, too. And hillarious!
2. A Forty-Something's Weight Loss Journey - I love Shelley!
3. MizFit - This lady is very wise...
4. Fixing Myself Thinner - Dawn is such an inspiration for me!
5. Escape from Obestity - Lyn inspires me to NEVER give up.
6. Melt Away the Pounds - Jules don't let a little PREGNANCY get in the way of her healthy lifestyle!
7. 282.5 - I'm lovin' me some Jo right now!
8. You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat - I think Carlos and I were lovers in some past life...
9. FitHungryGurl - Irene is the a true athlete and competitor - truly inspiring for me.
10. Journeying to Lose 200 lbs - Chubby Chick's progress is amazing!
11. It's Not a Diet, It's a Weigh of Life - Another weight loss superstar!
12. Fat Daddy Rants - LOVE ME SOME FAT DADDY!
13. Prior Fat Girl - Love, Love, Love Jen!
14. The Incredible Shrinking Family - Been following Diane for a while now - she has SO much knowledge and thinks outside the box.
15. Praying for Lightning - My sister from another mister - I'm "praying" she'll stick around a while!

I could TOTALLY keep going - but I really need to get to work. Please look at my blogroll for more of my "favorites".

Weigh-in... good news!

Today I weighed in at 272 lbs.... which is down from last week, is my lowest weight in a LOOONNNGGG time, and now puts me at a total of 61 lbs. lost! The scale is FINALLY moving in the right direction! It's been a really rough weekend, so this was good news today. It really strengthens the goal that I made yesterday to really recommit to my weight loss this week.

First things first, I got my new size 20W jeans on Friday! Along with a size 14W top! I have a Lane Bryant outlet in my town, and had a coupon, and I really lucked out. I got the jeans and the top for $50 - which was my budget for the jeans. It happened that they had a great sale, so not only did I get a pair of jeans, but I got a pair of Secret Slimmer jeans, which are more expensive but so awesome! If you haven't tried a pair, I really suggest you do. For my night out on Friday, I wore my new jeans with a size XXL shirt from the "regular" clothes at Target. I felt really cute!

I paired the top I bought with a pair of black capri's that I'd bought a little while back as "goal pants". They are also a size 20. When I bought the top, I thought it was a size 14/16. I thought it looked like it would fit me, and when I tried it on it did. But when I actually wore it out on Saturday night, I noticed that it was a 14W. Wow... Yeah, it might run big, but it felt really good to be wearing that size!

Friday night was fun, but not really what I was expecting. There seemed to be a lot of tension going on with the people I was out with - not between us, but between them and other people. Saturday morning I had orientation for Fall term at school, and then Saturday night things went really bad really fast. My ex decided to show his ass when I dropped my kids off to him. Long story short, he refused to give me my child support, and was drunk. When I demanded he let my kids go with me, he just went ape-shit and started talking shit to me. I thought I was going to have to call the police, but he finally gave my my kids and my money. He admitted yesterday that he has been using drugs again. UGH! It makes me so damned mad.

I am so thankful for my friends. I had made plans to go out on Saturday night, but since I had my kids I thought I would cancel. But Jess happened to be at my house (and had to come to my rescue) when all this happened. Her ex volunteered to watch my kids so I could go out anyway, which was so nice. But I really wanted to make sure my kids were okay, and was TOTALLY not messed up with staying in. But since Jess and her ex were afraid that Clyde might try to come by my house and cause problems, they insisted that I stay with one of them Sat. night. I ended up going to Jess's place, and it was like my kids went to a slumber party instead. They were totally over the "incident" and were almost relieved I didn't let them stay with their dad. They're young, but they remember what he's like when he drinks.

I ended up "sneaking" out for a little while after the kids went to bed. Jess had to be at work early on Sunday and was happy to babysit. I met another girlfriend of mine and we went to a little bar across the highway from Jess's apt. and had a 'rita. I think I deserved that 'rita! But yesterday morning I was really doing some thinking about "everything". One of the things I decided is that I am going to stop drinking again for a while. I am also going to start giving weight loss 100% effort. I feel so damned good in my smaller clothes, and am starting to love they way I look in the mirror. I am ready to tackle the next 20 lbs. I am still coughing like crazy, so they gym is not an option today. But I know I can eat right until I can add the exercise again.

So when I saw the number and realized I had reached another milestone (60 lbs gone), I knew that it was an affirmation.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Breaking news...

I just signed up for another 5K! It's called Sherry's Run, and it is in honor of cancer victims and survivors. I will participate in honor of my father, who died of cancer in 2005. I will also do it in support of a teacher here at my school who is battling cancer right now. The 5K walk/run is on September 12, so I have about a month to prepare. I really want to run/walk this one. The last one I only walked it, and met my goal of finishing in less than an hour. This time I think I'm gonna make my goal 40 minutes.

SOOOO... this means I have to start getting on that dread-mill. I figure that instead of 45 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the stationary bike, I will do 30 minutes on the treadmill, 30 minutes on the elliptical. During my treadmill time I will try to run a little - well, as much as I can. I still have bad knees, and I'm still very heavy, so I'm not going to over-do it. I just want to step up my game from the last 5K. That one was at the beginning of April, and I've came a long way since then.

I might even do some of those couch to 5K podcasts...

Moving forward... TGIF!

TGIF! This has been a LLLLOOONNNGGG week! I hate being sick! I am feeling much better, but still have this awful cough, and am constantly out of breath and sweaty! Ugh! I can finally take a deep breath that fills my lungs, so I'm pretty sure I'm on the path to recovery. I am still not up to exercise, though, which BLOWS! I am totally missing my gym time. I even had to let my daughter mow the grass yesterday. It is awesome that she was willing to do it, though. I am so thankful.

Today I get my first paycheck since the end of May! Woo HOO! I am BROKE! It will be great to finally get some steady income rolling in. I have decided that I am buying a new pair of jeans today. The last time I bought jeans I wore a size 24 and they are ridiculously too big. I think I'm gonna shoot for a size 20 tonight, since my size 22 denim is getting really loose. I have a Lane Bryant coupon, and saw online yesterday where they have a new style of straight-leg jeans I want to check out. I am a boot-cut gal, but I think I wanna try something different.

Yesterday I was reading Jack Sh*t's blog and it really got me thinking about my level of commitment. Yes, I am doing a lot better than I did this summer, but I'm still not giving 100%. I admit that - there is not denial going on. Yes, I might get frustrated because the scale isn't moving, but it's my own fault. I don't have excuses, but I do have a solution. Get my ass in gear!

I read so many blogs, and I do see where some people eat cake icing out of the can and brownie batter in excessive amounts and wonder why they are not losing weight or re-gaining all the weight they lost. I feel for these folks because I've been there. At that time, something just had not "clicked" for me yet. I was in denial, going in circles. I was stressed out and going through so much emotional stuff that I was unable to concentrate on my weight loss. I wanted it so bad, but I didn't want it enough to commit to making the changes that are necessary to lose weight. I continue to read their blogs, because I know that one day it will "click", and I want to be there to celebrate with them.

But I also see where some people are really losing a lot of weight, or have already met their goal, and act like they are the know-it-alls of weight loss. One is no better than the other in my book. Statistics are pretty solid. The majority of people who lose a lot of weight gain it back, and the same people you pass on the way down, you will pass on the way back up. It just peeves me a bit when someone who has weighed over 400 lbs criticizes people like me (who don't lose consistently). Who makes them the expert? Keep that weight off for 10 or more years and then you can attempt to judge me.

Sorry for that tangent... it just got under my skin yesterday. I hate it when people think they are better than other people. Just one of my pet-peeves.

Later!