Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Insanity

Yesterday was mostly OP. Dinner was spaghetti using Ronzoni Smart Taste spaghetti (lots of calcium and fiber). It was great, and I ate WAY too much. But I ate early so I could get on the elliptical during Biggest Loser. I thought that I could read my book and watch the first hour of BL while my dinner digested, then hop on the elliptical for the last half. Never made it because my husband thought that it was a great time to pick a fight. I told him flat out yesterday that he needed to stop playing around and get a job. So when I was watching the WI on BL, he decided it was time to "discuss" what I had demanded of him, and then that started a two-hour argument. I'm SO tired of this shit! I'm not asking for much, just for him to contribute SOMETHING to our household! But it's almost like he's insulted that I would ask him to get a job, since he wants to be an entrepreneur and work for himself. That translates into he wants to ride around town all day, wasting gas and eating out while I'm busting my ass working two jobs. AND he is now refusing to consider divorce (even though he's the one that brought it up a few months ago). His exact words were, "if you try to leave me you won't have a minutes peace...I'll make your life miserable." I know he will, too.

After the fight, I took a shower and went to bed. I didn't eat my way through it, because I knew that's what has got me to this weight in the first place. Binge emotional eating = letting him have power over me. I know my husband likes "fat Hollie" because her self esteem is low, and she will let him walk all over her. That's about to stop - I'm not going to be that wife anymore.

It is very COLD in Tennessee. It's supposed to be 2 degrees tonight! WTF! I HATE cold weather.

The scale was still up a little this morning, but I'm still not worried about it because I know what has caused it. I have to work job #2 for the next five nights, and I've got all of my meals/snacks for today/tonight. It feels good to have a plan in place - I know it will keep me away from fast food and bad choices. Since I've been back on plan, I actually think I do better on the nights that I work my second job because I am planning my meals and sticking to the food I have with me. When I am at home on my off nights, I can get that second helping of food or extra piece of pizza, whereas I can't do that when I'm not at home. Instead of using the job #2 as an excuse for NOT being on plan, I think I have changed my mentality so that it can help me STAY on plan.

I'm off to read blogs!

6 comments:

Linda said...

Good job on the preparation! It is so important for me too!

Sorry your husbands being shitty and making you bust your ass. I'm glad to see you're gaining confidence and self esteem though. That's incredible!

Hang in there girl!

Irene said...

Hmmm...that totally sucks.

Have you guys considered marriage counseling? I have to say, I quit a lucrative job in December 2005 because I hated it. I then got pregnant and had a baby. I started working as a Realtor, but that didn't work out so I am finishing my degree and will be done in August. I plan to go back to work full-time in the fall.

I say all this to say I understand the desire to work for yourself. Sometimes jobs are just so horrible, you come home crying every day and that is no good.

HOWEVER, if a spouse has to work 2 jobs to cover the household expenses, that is not acceptable. Have you tried a quiet sit down in a neutral place and talk to him about how his not working is affecting you mentally? Or is he just being a jerk?

This is something you need to handle because it's only going to add more stress to your life and that isn't healthy.

Chews to Lose said...

I'm sorry that you had such a shitty night. Sounds like you handled it great though - not turning to food when things get to you is really hard to do.

Brrr... 2 degrees. I agree WTF. We're over in Knoxville and I think we're supposed to be @ 9. So much warmer. :-)

Hope you have a better day!

skinnyhollie said...

Irene, my husband will NOT go to counseling...I suggested that so many years ago and he thinks the idea is stupid.

Over the past few months, I have come to him in every "nice" way that I can to tell him how his lack of motivation and refusal to work is affecting me and our family. He is selfish, lazy, and doesn't care.

bbubblyb said...

Sorry you're going through all that crap with your husband. I think once you show him you're serious he will have no choice but to follow through with either work or divorce. Hang in there. Great that you're thinking of the second job as a plus to your weight loss journey. That's all you can do make the best of what you have. *hugs*

purple_moonflower123 said...

Gosh Hollie! You shouldn't have to work so hard. He should get off his a@@ and find some work. There has to be something out there he can do? There comes a point where you have to make a decision to do whatever it takes to support your family.

However, I am proud of you that you are standing up for yourself!! It's great to see your confidence and self esteem shining through.