Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Getting Angry

I think it's time for me to stop feeling sorry for my sorry-ass husband and the situation he has put us in. I've been in this stunned state for a few weeks now, kinda like you feel when you've been punched in the face. I've been running on auto-pilot, not really paying attention to myself, but focusing on my children and my husband. But yesterday I felt a new emotion - anger. It made me angry that Clyde took that money I gave him and immediately started doing drugs with it. It made me angry that he STILL hasn't called me to explain what happened. I mean, if it was so important to ask someone from the hospital to call my JOB, then at least he could contact me in person. It makes me angry that I've fallen for this shit for so many years. I deserve better, and so do my kids.

So after I got angry last night, I sort of liked the way it made me feel strong. I was really pissed off. I'm ready for this to be over, and I'm ready to start putting ME first. Because the principal at our school walked in on me crying after I got "the call" yesterday, he sent the school counselors in to talk to me. It really helped a lot, and they gave me information for a resource the school system provides for up to 10 free counseling sessions. I am going to use them, because it helps to get it out. I use this blog as an outlet (sorry for those of you who don't like non-weight related posts), and I also treasure the encouragement I receive from my friends who read this blog. This is a big step in my life, and I need help if I am going to be able to stay sane through this.

Tonight I am going to the store, and I am going to finally get started on the Momentum plan. I am going to get my kitchen unpacked, so I can start cooking and prepping my meals. Tomorrow is going to be the day I get my eating together. I will not continue to let this stress and emotional upheaval get me off track and cause me to gain weight. I WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN. There, I said it. I am also going to start posting my meals for accountability.

And as far as Clyde goes, I am going to stay away from him. Now that the move is over, I have no reason to talk to him or be around him, especially if he's doing drugs. I will not let him in my house, and will ask him to leave if he shows up. Until he gets his shit together enough to start paying me child support, I have no reason to deal with him. I will stop letting him send me into an emotional tailspin. I will be strong and absolute and focus on myself instead of him. I can't love him more than I love myself. I am ready to start falling in love with ME!

4 comments:

Linda said...

I Love your positivity girl; you can and will do it. You have to be a happy and healthy mom to be the best mom you can be and provide a happy healthy environment for your kids! Good Luck!

bbubblyb said...

Hollie, I'm so proud of you. You will get through this and you will be stronger for it. Something I learned from my first marriage was you can't fix (or rescue) anyone but yourself. Glad to hear you're going to love yourself the most, that's what we all need to learn to do. Glad you got support from your school and will be able to talk to someone for awhile. I know for me that was a big part of helping myself. *hugs*

Kate said...

I'm so proud of you!

Irene said...

I am proud that you are doing these things for yourself. It's what you need.

Just another piece of advise. You need to document everything that is going on with a lawyer, or the police, or childrens services, or something. Because if he shows up to spend some time with his kids, legally you cannot disallow him that, unless he is obviously high or drunk. So, take care of situation - file for custody of the babies.