OK, so yesterday I mentioned that I had a small epiphany this weekend. I think the realization has really helped me get back on the right road. Yesterday and today have been better as far as eating, but not perfect. But I am also in a funk of sorts - I think I am pouting because I still wanna go out and pretend I'm in my 20's instead of my 30's. And I really want a cigarette...ugh.
Saturday a friend/co-worker had a yard sale. We went to Weight Watchers together, and last fall I gave her a ton of size 18 winter clothes that I couldn't wear. There is a lot of history behind these clothes for me. I bought these clothes in late 2004, early 2005 when I had lost 100 lbs. I was in a size 18 for the first time since I was in 8th grade (at the time I was about 28). It was also my first experience with shopping in "regular" stores. As far as my appearance, I was so confident. I looked good, and I felt good. My lowest weight was 239 lbs.
It was not long after that that I reconciled with my now-ex-husband, and got pregnant with my 3-year old. I went from 239 lbs to 281 when I gave birth. Not too bad...considering I was on bedrest for 20 weeks, flat on my back. BUT after I had the baby, I didn't lose weight. I gained. And gained. And gained. Until I had gained all the weight back, plus some. My marriage started going BACK downhill as soon as I got pregnant, and at the same time I decided to finish my bachelor's degree. Honestly, I didn't even try NOT to gain. I was just oblivious to ME for a long time. I lost sight not only to my weight struggle, but to everything concerning me.
Ok, so back to these clothes... All of my "skinny" clothes hung in my closet for a long time. I mentally could not pack them away, because the failure of re-gaining all the weight I'd lost was just too much for me to accept. I finally gave a way a bunch of clothes to a relative, then packed away the rest. When I met this friend at WW and then started working with her, I was happy to offer them to her. She had lost a TON of weight and was just entering that size. At the time I was 300+ lbs, and even though I was on WW, I had no realistic plans to ever where those clothes again for quite some time. It just seemed so out of reach.
So on Saturday when I was offered these clothes back, I was too happy to get them. Since my friend is moving out of state when she gets married, she is selling her house and getting rid of everything. She told me that since I had lost so much weight, and since she couldn't wear the clothes anymore, I could come pick them up during the sale. When I got home, I felt like a kid on Christmas. All the clothes were there, perfectly folded, and in the same like-new condition. I stripped down to my underwear and started trying some of the things on - just to see how far I had to go. Guess what... I don't have far at all!
I was FLOORED. I totally didn't realize how close I was to being back to my pre-pregnancy size. All of the pants could pull up and **almost** button. Some of the shirts even fit now! I'd say 20 - 25 pounds is all I need to lose to comfortably wear these clothes. In the grand scheme of things, that's not that bad at all! Hell, if I get my ass in gear, I might even be able to wear this stuff by New Years. New Years! That's not long at all! Oh, man. I am so close and I didn't even know it!
So with this new incentive, I am ready to get off this plateau and start moving in the right direction. Granted, I am thankful for the plateau because it could have easily been a gain with the madness I've had going on for the past several months. But I am ready to start being a loser again. I am ready to feel good about my habits like I used to. In two days I have been going to sleep at a decent time, and I have also been drinking water and eating better. I am going to start taking my supplements again, too, and then starting next week I am going to get back into some sort of exercise routine. TOM will be gone by then, and I'll be ready (I'm just not feeling it right now). But overall, I am feeling focused and feel convicted about losing weight again.