Friday, January 30, 2009

304.4!

Woo Hoo! That number had me dancing around my bathroom this morning. Wow, I can't believe I have a 2.2 lb. loss since Monday. I actually didn't think I had done that well. Eating-wise, I think I am making good choices, but haven't been measuring or journaling. I am only about 5 lbs from my first 10% goal! OMG! Twoderville is right around the corner!

Today I will sign my lease for my new rental and I am so nervous. I still haven't collected all the money, but have it all promised to me by today. But I will not have enough left over for a u-haul. That means I will probably not be able to move my furniture until next weekend. But my plan is to move everything I can fit in my Suburban, even if I have to make several trips. My mom has agreed to let my kids spend the night with her tomorrow night so I can move and unpack tomorrow. I see lots of trips back and forth, and a lot of exercise.

Last night Clyde started crying and begging and guilt-tripping me so bad. I was so confused, and started to doubt whether or not I was making the right decision. So I left and went to Wal-mart (where I finally was able buy the Hostess 100 cal Strawberry cupcakes). I talked to my mom and my BFF, and they helped to strengthen me and remind me of the reasons I was doing this in the first place. They both reminded me that he has made these same promises in the past, and we have had these same circumstances in the past. Things are not going to change.

I told my 11-yr old daughter this morning that if there was one lesson I want her to take away from this, is that it is NEVER OK to let a man (or any person) treat her like crap. Not even if she loves him, or if he promises to change. If a man treats her so bad that it makes her hurt on the inside, then I told her to GET AWAY from him, even if it's the hardest decision she ever makes. I have spent so many years trying to change me so that I can deal with him. Now it's time for me to finally figure out what Hollie wants and needs for her life. Independently.

I know that is going to be so hard. I am co-dependent, I admit it. I am one of those people whose life revolves around the people around them. I am the helper, but I never ask for help. I am the giver, who never asks for anything in return. It is strange to me to have feelings of selfishness, to actually want to put ME first. But I do, and I know I will. I said this from the jump, but 2009 will be MY year to shine. There is always sunshine after the storm, right? I'm trying to find that sunshine.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Roller Coaster

The past few days have been so full of ups and downs, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. It's even nauseating. Tuesday evening, we found out that we wouldn't be able to do the rapid refund (RAL) for our taxes. Although if we e-filed by 1/28, we could get the refund direct deposited by 2/6. So when I called the landlord of the new house to see if I could hold off a week, she said NO, that she needed the leased signed by 2/1. So I made arrangements to meet her at the house on Friday to sign the lease. That gave me 3 days to come up with about $800.

While I was crying my eyes out, my husband came in and I could tell that he was gloating. I could read his mind, and he was thinking that if I didn't get the house, I would have to at least stay with him another week before I would have the money to start looking for somewhere else. Then he started saying how it wasn't the end of the world, etc., and that's when I went off! I told him exactly what I thought of him, then stormed out of the room. I was so absolutely upset and discouraged at that point. I just didn't know what to do.

See, Clyde has been pretty docile for the past several days. But he is also highly medicated. But there's still something about him that scares me a little. What happens if he skips a dose of meds? Plus he is trying to manipulate my children to "talk me into" staying with him. My oldest daughter was crying the other night because she said her dad made her feel like if she didn't talk me into staying with him, it would be her fault our family broke apart. He even cornered my mother and tried to get her on his side. That shit just ain't right. I have to get away from him. SOON!

So yesterday morning was a snow day, so I had the whole day off. I pretty much cleaned and packed all day, and still only made a dent. But the UP side is that I think I have scraped together the money to move. Right now I'm only a couple hundred dollars short, but I think I can get it. I e-filed our taxes yesterday, and they were accepted by the deadline, so my anticipated refund date is 2/6. I also get paid that day, so I can repay the people who are loaning me money by then. Thank GOD for friends, right?

I have been eating pretty well, but not perfectly. I am totally lacking on my water, but we are out at home. I am not buying any groceries until Friday night because I don't want to have to move them to the new house. I would rather just go to the store and take my goods straight to my new place. I plan to be totally back on track by Sunday, since I will (hopefully) be moving furniture on Saturday. I'm SO ready to do this!

Clyde guilt trips me every chance he gets, and it's starting to make me feel guilty for what I am doing. I know I am right, and that this is the best thing for me to do. But this is a man that I've loved for ten years. I care about him, but I can't be with him anymore. I need clarity, and I can't get that while I'm still living with him. Tomorrow at 3:30 (when I meet the landlord), will be the start of my new life.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Good news!

I got the house! I got a call from the landlord yesterday, and I thought it was because she was having a problem with one of my references. She told me Sat. she would make a decision on Tues. But she said she and her husband both agreed they liked me and my kids the best, and that she would love to have us as tenants. Such encouraging news! Now I just have to come up with $850 for the first month's rent by Sunday. If I get it before then, she will let me go ahead and sign the lease and move in since the house is empty. So if I can get that last w-2 and get a rapid tax refund, I'll be moving by this weekend!

My morning got off to a crappy start. The weather just north of us is very icy, so they delayed school for 2 hours. Clyde left for his doctor's appointment before we did, and when I went out to take the kids to school, my battery was totally dead in my truck. My mom came over to jump me, but it still wouldn't start. So my mom took me and all the kids to school, and I guess I will have to rely on Clyde to pick us up. I didn't eat through it though, so that's good! I am proud of myself each time stress does not lead to a binge. That means I am taking steps forward to a healthy relationship with food.

Moving into a house with just me and my kids is going to help me, too. My husband demands that sweets and chips and junk food be in our house at all times. But without him, I have no reason to even buy that junk. I don't need it, and my kids don't need it. When I stock my new fridge and pantry, it will only be with healthy, wholesome food.

Another think I'm excited about is that I'm moving into a neighborhood for the first time in 10 years. I've always live in an apartment complex, or out in the country, so there's been no where for me to go walking. But this is a great neighborhood, and I can imagine how great it will be to get the baby in the stroller and let me kids ride their bikes while we take afternoon walks. I'm so excited about the future. I know the next couple of weeks will be tough, but I am confident I'm making the right decision for me and my kids.

Monday, January 26, 2009

306.6

My children and I were able to spend the night at our house last night, so this morning I decided to step on the scale. I couldn't believe the number (306.6)! This means I am officially back down to my lowest weight before I fell off the wagon before the holidays. It is also a bonus for me for not eating through my problems this weekend. Being away from home and stressed out, I tried so hard not to eat like crazy or binge. It payed off!

I found a rental house on Saturday that I loved. I applied for it, but there has been a lot of interest according to the couple who are renting it. The rent is low for the neighborhood and the excellent condition and size of the house. They told me they are very picky about who they choose for tenants. I have been praying they will pick me - the house is just so perfect for me and my kids!

My husband was released from the crisis center on Saturday, and so far he has been chilled out. The children and I stayed away from home until last night, though, because I wanted time apart. But since he was apologetic and non-threatening, I made the decision to come home last night so my children could have a normal evening and sleep in their own beds for school today. Clyde promised that he would leave me alone and sleep on the couch.

So after we got home last night, I ran over to my Mom's house to pick up our laundry that she did for us. While I was there, he called from home and said that he thought he was having an allergic reaction to his medicine, and that his tongue was swelling. I told him not to try to drive himself (for fear he would wreck and kill himself and someone else), and that I would drive him. I got back to the house and he was standing outside waiting. By the time we got to the ER, he couldn't breath. There was a nurse outside that saw him and grabbed him by the arm and rushed him inside. Apparently, he was going into Anaphylactic shock. After they got him stabilized enough so he could talk, he admitted to taking more than the dosage of his medicine than he was supposed to. According to him, he got stressed (=mad) when I "took too long getting home", so he took another dosage of his medication to calm down.

After we got back home that night, I went in my room and noticed an empty Lortab bottle on my dresser. I know for a fact there were 2 pills in the bottle when I left on Friday, because I debated whether or not I was going to take them with me (sometimes I need them for back pain). I confronted him, and he admitted he had taken them for a sore throat, but he forgot about it when we were at the hospital. WTF! Yeah, right.

I was so damned mad at him for ruining my evening. But his irresponsibility and selfishness reminded me of why I am so right for getting out of this marriage. I know that right now he thinks he can be a good boy and I will end up forgiving him. Hell no! He even had the nerve to complain about me not letting him sleep in my bed. I'm just biding my time until I can find a place for me and my children to live. And to get my income tax refund so I can have the money to move. Hopefully both of those things will happen this week.

But until then, my small loss has motivated me to try the best I can to make good food choices until I can get back on a routine.

Thank you all again for all the well-wishes and prayers you are sending my way. I feel them and they give me encouragement to keep on going!

Friday, January 23, 2009

The grieving process...

That's what I'm going through right now. I'm so sad, and also worried about my future and that of my children.

My children and I spent the night with a friend last night, so we were safe. This morning I drove by my house, and my husband's car was not there. So after I dropped of my son at school, I drove by the mental health clinic and my husband's car was still there. Since it is not an in-patient facility, I assume they transported him to another facility. I only can pray he is getting some help. Maybe if he gets medication and counseling he will not be violent or volatile.

That's why I feel so bad. Because I know that even if he does get help, I will still not stay with him. These issues have been on/off since we got married on 3/16/2000. I know this cycle will not stop. I have to get out now before my children are scarred anymore than they are. I will miss him, I will love him, but I will no longer stay with him. And that makes me feel like I've abandoned him. He even said it, that I was the only person I had behind him and that I've betrayed him. My friend said these feeling are common to women who have been physically and emotionally abused, and that I am doing the right thing. Well, actually, everyone that knows my situation say I am doing the right thing. Deep down I know it, but I still feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I could not weigh in this morning - no scale. I didn't eat a lot yesterday - no binging - but I did eat a few cookies last night and didn't have any water. I am going to try to stay in control of what goes in my mouth while my life and routine is so out of control. That's about all I can do right now.

Thank you for all the supportive comments and emails that were left yesterday. It might sound silly, but I love this BLOG, and value everyone who reads and follows me on this journey as friends.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

In case I'm MIA...

I have left my husband. Last night, and this morning, he became violent and scared the shit out of me and my kids. He threatened to kill me more than once, and went crazy in front of my children. He also threatened to take my children from me so I would never see them again. When he stormed out, he said he was going to the mental hospital to commit himself. He needs more help than I can give him at this point.

My children and I left immediately and went to my mom's house. I applied for the apartment that I looked at on Tuesday, and my best friend has offered us a place to stay at her house so we'll be safe. We are back home now because I saw his car at the mental facility, so I'd figure now would be a safe time to get some of our belongings. Who knows if I'll have any furniture left when I come back, but material things are replaceable. My life isn't.

I'm so scared right now, but I know this is the right thing to do. I am an abused woman, and I have to admit that. Just because he doesn't hit me doesn't mean that he isn't a batterer. His words hurt me way more than his actions, and they hurt, too. I love him, and I pray that he will get himself together, but I can't be his crutch anymore. I can't believe in him more than he believes in himself.

But deep down I do believe in myself. I believe I can take good care of my children on my own. I believe I can provide for them. I believe that I can care for myself and get healthy. I am happy that I haven't binged at all today, and I'm determined not to.

So I am leaving my home, but I will more than likely go back to work tomorrow since it's payday. I'll try to post then, but if for some reason I don't, this is why.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Step away from the elliptical...

For the past week, I have tried three times to work out on my elliptical. All three times I have been completely dressed, I-pod and water in hand, on my way to the den with every intention of burning calories and getting sweaty. And all three times I have been stopped by my husband, and instead of working out, and argument and shouting match takes place. Does yelling and crying burn calories? Probably not that many...

Yesterday I had it all planned out. Since I did not have to work job #2, I planned on eating an early dinner, and doing at least 30 minutes on the elliptical during Biggest Loser. It was gonna be great! Yeah, right. After guzzling a 40 oz. of beer, my husband decided it was time to argue. I tried to ignore him, but ended up arguing with him, and even missed the WI on Biggest Loser because I could not hear the TV over his yelling (I was trying). He just wouldn't let up. Yesterday I found an apartment that I liked, but he doesn't like it. He wants to move into a rental house that is more expensive. I don't know what I want to do; I'm still so overwhelmed by everything that is happening.

What really upset me last night is when he suggested that I leave, since I'm the one who is unhappy. He told me that he wasn't leaving his children, and that I needed to just deal with things. But I know this man is crazy and needs help. He went from a screaming lunatic to laughing and trying to grope me within an hour's time. WTH! I feel like my life is falling apart before my eyes, and I am either too stupid or to weak to stop it.

After the argument I wanted to eat so bad. I just stood in front of the refrigerator trying to convince myself not to do it. There was leftover chili that I wanted to eat with corn chips, sour cream, and melted cheese. Then I wanted a big bowl of cereal. Then I thought about making a pan of brownies, and eating the whole thing. But while one part of me was trying to convince the other part that this was the perfectly normal response to stress, the other part of me knew that I would feel like shit afterward. Not only that crappy feeling you get when you eat too much and go to bed, but the feeling that you've lost control and failed. I didn't eat - I drank a Slim Fast because I honestly felt a little hungry (it was 10 p.m. and I ate dinner at 5 p.m.). Then I went to bed feeling confused.

The one thing my husband kept saying to me was how my children were going to hate me for taking away their father. Deep down, I'm afraid he'll be right. My children LOVE him so much. They would be devastated if we got a divorce. Even if we shared custody, their lives would not be the same. I grew up without a father, and I blamed my mother for making poor decisions. I don't want my children to feel that way about me. As much as I want to be happy, I don't know if I'm strong enough or willing to sacrifice my children's happiness for my own. Like I said, I'm so confused.

And on top of this, I have to start the process of packing and selling off my belongings to move into a smaller house or apartment. I love my gas grill, but can't have it in an apartment. I have three couches and a huge recliner (one couch is in my den, 2 couches and a recliner in my living room). I am giving my den couch to my mom, but will most likely have to get rid of one of my matching couches because it will be hard to find a living room in an apartment or rental they'll fit in. And what about my elliptical...it's HUGE! I also won't need a riding lawn mower and all the lawn and garden equipment at an apartment... Thinking about moving makes me nauseous.

Gotta go take a student to math class...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Today is the day...

that our country will swear in our 44th president. Today will be a historic day, because we have elected our first black president. I am so glad that I'm alive to see this.

I want to start off by giving HopeFool a shout out for the spreadsheet she has shared with me. It is the BOMB! No excuses for not keeping a journal, now. I can download it onto the little flash drive I take everywhere with me so I can use it at home or at work. It's awesome!

Okay, so I did the Biggest Loser Cardio workout on Saturday, and couldn't MOVE on Sunday. I was hurting so bad...my muscles were screaming with pain. Muscles I didn't know EXISTED! I had to take a pain killer just to go to work. I was still sore yesterday, but forced myself to exercise again since I know from experience it's the best way to relieve some of that muscle pain. I basically just did some basic moves in front of the TV while watching ANTM. I felt better afterwards, and much better this morning. My plan is the elliptical during BL tonight.

I peeked at the scale this morning and it was UGLY! WTF! I don't know what's going on with that, unless it's the "muscles hold water" thing. I've done really well with eating (or I thought I was).

We went apartment shopping yesterday and I'm so discouraged. All of the three-bedroom apartments are so SMALL! There's no way I can fit my furniture in any of the apartments I looked at, let alone the extra stuff that I've accumulated and need for me and my three children. And that's not counting all my husband's stuff! The apartment I lived in before we bought our house was rather large, but I don't want to move back there because it's gone down hill. It was bad before we moved, so I can imaging the thugs have taken over now. I want a place where my kids can at least go outside to play. We also looked at a couple of rental houses, but either the house was run-down, or the neighborhoods were questionable.

We talked to the man who our house is financed with, and he seems like he's willing to work with us. He offered to suspend our mortgage agreement and will let us rent our house from him for up to one year, with the option of going back into the mortgage agreement at any time during that period. But the rent would only be about $300 less than what we're paying now, and we would have to catch up the two months we owe him first (almost $3000). My husband thinks moving is the better option and would be the best way to pay less money, but I'm still not sure what to do. There is one other apartment I want to look at, and a few more rental houses I found in the paper. Hopefully I can check them out this evening since I'm off from job #2. Either way, I need to make a decision soon and get a game plan together.

My husband and I have been getting along, which I guess is good. He is letting me call the shots on the apartment hunt, but is giving his input, too. He is going to a mental health clinic today to see if they will help him get back on his medication. He doesn't have insurance, so hopefully there is some place that will help him.

My mom had to go to the ER yesterday because she sneezed and it burst a blood vessel in her nose. Her nose bled for two hours at home before she went to the ER, then the hospital couldn't get it to stop, either. On top of that, her blood pressure was 250/155. She is on Plavix, which is a blood thinner, so that's why they couldn't get her to clot. They ended up putting a balloon up her nose to stop the bleeding, and let her go home after her BP went down. She needs to go back to the doctor today to get the balloon out of her nose, and I feel kinda bad because I didn't offer to take her. I did tell her she could call my husband and ask him, but I didn't press the issue. My sister took her to the ER, and since she stood us up the last time we were supposed to take her to the doctor, I figure she can call my sister again. And if she calls my husband, I'm sure he'll take her, but I didn't see a point in rearranging my day again for nothing.

Okay - that's all of the brain activity I have for now.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I love Bob!

Bob Harper told me to say that while I was doing his workout on the Biggest Loser CardioMax DVD. Yes, I exercised today! And it kicked my ass! I'm sweating in places I didn't know had sweat glands! I did the warm up, Bob's level 1 and Jillian's level 2, plus the yoga cool down, for a total of 40 minutes. By the time I got to Jillian's level 2, I was wore out and her workout was so high-intensity that I had to modify a lot of it, but I got through it.

I had a very civil talk with my husband yesterday about the divorce and our relationship. Without the crying and yelling, it was possible to have a sane conversation about the direction our life is heading in. He has asked me to give him until the end of February to find a job and get help. In the past, he has been diagnosed with manic depression, and has had progress with medication. His problem is that he will take the medication for a few months, then feel better and think he's "cured" and then stop. Then his moodiness and overall terrible disposition will come back, and that is the root to all of our problems.

Well, he admitted that he needs to get back on medication because he is not in a good place mentally. He says he's felt this way for a while, but did not want to tell me because he didn't want to admit that he had a problem. So, he is trying to get an appointment to see a therapist or mental health doctor to see what route he needs to go. He thinks that will help him get everything in perspective, and help him get and maintain a job and a steady income.

I have battled problems with depression in the past, and I know how it can impact my drive to do everyday things, like going to work. Since I am not a person who takes divorce lightly, I am willing to give him a chance to get it together. I remember the husband I had that was on medication, and that was some of our best times. I also know that it's a big step for him to decide for himself that is what he needs to do to get it together. If, over the next six weeks, he gets the help he needs and is able to find a job, I think we can start to sort out the other issues that bother me (lack of affection, moodiness). I also vow to work on myself and the shortfalls I know I have in our relationship.

We are going to set up a meeting with the man who is financing our house, and see if we can also work out a solution for that, too. We think that selling the house is still our best option right now, and will relieve a lot of financial stress. But because I watch TLC and Discovery Home channel so much, I know that selling a home is hard work, and with the market the way it is it will probably take a while. The prospect of walking away from our home makes me sick to my stomach, but I know people are having to do it every day. Since school is out on Monday and I don't have to work job #1, we are going to try to meet with the man about it then and come up with a solution next week. But I definitely know that moving to an apartment or rental house is not going to be the end of the world.

I was looking at apartments online yesterday, and was reminded of the perks that come with living in an apartment complex. Pool, weight room, free water, playground...that's all a plus! And besides the monthly payment being about $500 less, I will not have to pay a water bill, gas bill, homeowners insurance and property taxes, and my electric bill will be lower. I see the dollar signs, and feel financial stress melting away.

The money savings also insures me that even if I do get a divorce, I will be able to pay my own bills and be able to live comfortably. I never count on child support, because in the past when we've separated I've never got it (long story). So if I know that I can work ONE job and be able to pay my rent and bills, I feel secure. And if things do work out with my husband and we have two incomes, we can build our savings back up and repair our credit.

Okay, off to shower and go to job #2.

P.S. HopeFool, if you read this, please email me that spreadsheet. I've been trying to send you a message or comment on your blog, but my computer isn't letting me see the verification code and I can't post any comments on any blogs from my home computer. My email addy is skinnyhollie@gmail.com. Thanks!

Friday, January 16, 2009

307.2

Today was my "official" WI, and I was down 4.4 lbs this week! Yeah!

First off, thanks for all of the supportive and thoughtful comments on my entry for yesterday. It means so much to have friends who can support me in this tough times.

School was canceled today due to the cold weather. It was 8 degrees here in TN this morning, and most school districts in middle TN decided that was just too cold for students to stand on a bus stop. Seems kinda silly, but I'll take a paid day off! So last night at job #2 (at Target), I ran across a lot of deals because most of our clearance is marked down 75%. I decided to get there first thing this morning and do a little shopping. My youngest just jumped into a size 9 and needed shoes, and there were some REALLY cute shoes marked down to $3.74 per pair. My mom wanted to ride along, and ended up buying her several pair in different sizes. I also bought me the cutest pair of high-heels for for about $5! We got four big bags full of clothes and shoes for about $100, and my mom paid, so that was even better!

One of the things I miss from when I had lost 100 lbs. several years ago was being able to wear high heels. When I was a size 18, I wore high heels all the time and rocked them! High heels make me feel sexy, and are instant confidence. I've already bought three new pair, and can't wait until I've lost enough weight so I can comfortably wear them out without them hurting my feet after 5 minutes.

I'm so happy to be less than 10 lbs from Twoderville! So happy, in fact, that I'm going to jump on the elliptical for at least 30 minutes before I go to work today at 4:30. It's almost 1 p.m., so I'd better get off the computer and make it happen...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Decisions

Because I have decided that this is my year to put ME first and make my health and well-being a priority, some very important decisions have to be made. Besides the struggles I am having with my husband, financial issues are really stressing me out. Our number one financial burden is our house - the mortgage is killing us. At the time we bought our house, I was getting a great salary, and we had plenty of money in savings. My husband was working...all was well. A lot has changed since then. I love my house, but I'm not sure that I love it enough for the burden it is causing me.

I was talking to a woman last night at job #2 (she's actually the real-estate agent who sold me my house's sister) who also carries a real estate license, and she told me that she worked with someone who could sell my house "in a heartbeat." Apparently, I live on prime property in our county (which I kinda already knew). She said that when we bought our house, there was a lot of interest, but we put a contract down the day after it hit the market. So this morning, I told my husband what she said, and I'm about 85% sure we are going to try to sell our house. We put quite a bit of money down, so hopefully if we are able to sell it before we get too far behind on it we will be able to walk away with some of the money we invested. I know the real estate market isn't the best right now, but our county has not been very affected by it. Most of the real estate agents I've talked to, and even a friend who is a mortgage broker says that business is still steady.

It makes me sad to sell my house. It is my first home, and we've only lived there for 15 months. Selling my house makes me feel like a failure; not only as a homeowner but has a wife and mother. Selling my house and moving back into an apartment or rental means that my marriage has failed, and that I have failed in providing for my children the home that I never had. I told DH months ago that if we ended up losing our home and I had to move into an apartment because of him not holding a job and being irresponsible, he would not be coming with me. I still mean that. If I move out of my house, my marriage is over. That is a really scary thought for me, because no matter what, I still love my husband. But right now, I just can't be sure that love is enough to save our relationship. I'm so confused.

There is a fine line between just "giving up" and refusing to be a doormat. I know my husband will accuse me of just giving up and turning my back on him, and I know many people will look at it the same way. However, I know in my heart that we are just postponing the inevitable by staying together. I'm not happy, and I really don't think he's happy either! Even though everyone around me says that happiness doesn't matter, but obviously it matters to me or I wouldn't be so miserable about NOT being happy!

Today or tomorrow I'm going to talk personally with the real estate agent and see what she says. If she gives me positive information, we will most likely put the house on the market. Then I will put the matter in God's hands.

I did well with eating yesterday, though. Stuck with my planned food/snacks. The scale was back down this morning, so that's good. Tomorrow I'll post my official number for the week.

I've been thinking so much about exercise lately, but still haven't made the first step. My intentions are good, but being tired and lazy always wins.

Irene (another blogger) mentioned keeping a journal/spreadsheet on her blog yesterday. I found a spreadsheet that a friend from my WW meeting had emailed to me a while back, but I would also like something so I can plug in calories, fat, and fiber, as well as points. If anyone knows of a good (free) spreadsheet or online journal - let me know!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Insanity

Yesterday was mostly OP. Dinner was spaghetti using Ronzoni Smart Taste spaghetti (lots of calcium and fiber). It was great, and I ate WAY too much. But I ate early so I could get on the elliptical during Biggest Loser. I thought that I could read my book and watch the first hour of BL while my dinner digested, then hop on the elliptical for the last half. Never made it because my husband thought that it was a great time to pick a fight. I told him flat out yesterday that he needed to stop playing around and get a job. So when I was watching the WI on BL, he decided it was time to "discuss" what I had demanded of him, and then that started a two-hour argument. I'm SO tired of this shit! I'm not asking for much, just for him to contribute SOMETHING to our household! But it's almost like he's insulted that I would ask him to get a job, since he wants to be an entrepreneur and work for himself. That translates into he wants to ride around town all day, wasting gas and eating out while I'm busting my ass working two jobs. AND he is now refusing to consider divorce (even though he's the one that brought it up a few months ago). His exact words were, "if you try to leave me you won't have a minutes peace...I'll make your life miserable." I know he will, too.

After the fight, I took a shower and went to bed. I didn't eat my way through it, because I knew that's what has got me to this weight in the first place. Binge emotional eating = letting him have power over me. I know my husband likes "fat Hollie" because her self esteem is low, and she will let him walk all over her. That's about to stop - I'm not going to be that wife anymore.

It is very COLD in Tennessee. It's supposed to be 2 degrees tonight! WTF! I HATE cold weather.

The scale was still up a little this morning, but I'm still not worried about it because I know what has caused it. I have to work job #2 for the next five nights, and I've got all of my meals/snacks for today/tonight. It feels good to have a plan in place - I know it will keep me away from fast food and bad choices. Since I've been back on plan, I actually think I do better on the nights that I work my second job because I am planning my meals and sticking to the food I have with me. When I am at home on my off nights, I can get that second helping of food or extra piece of pizza, whereas I can't do that when I'm not at home. Instead of using the job #2 as an excuse for NOT being on plan, I think I have changed my mentality so that it can help me STAY on plan.

I'm off to read blogs!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Vanity

I've never considered myself to be a vain person. I wear a little makeup, but don't fuss a lot with my hair unless I'm going somewhere. I think for a plus-sized woman I dress pretty good - not very trendy, but more classic styles. Even though my self-esteem could use a boost, I know that I'm not ugly. I do receive compliments on my appearance once in a while. I've always thought I had a decent enough face, and just wished my body was decent, too. But with my 33rd birthday just around the corner, I'm starting to feel like I've not only let my body go, but my face as well.

I avoid mirrors at all costs. It depresses me to see my body, but other than to apply eyeliner or floss my teeth, I don't pay much attention to my face either. The other night at work, I caught a glimpse of my self in a mirror and was shocked. I looked not only fat as hell, but OLD. I just didn't realize my face had gotten so FAT - two chins, jowls, and bags under my eyes. I wanted to cry, and it has bothered me ever since.

When I mentioned this to my husband, he said I was just being silly. But since he sees me every day, I don't think he has noticed the gradual change in my face. All I want to know is if I can fix it! Will losing weight help my face snap back? I don't know but I hope so!

My husband announced last night that he wants to buy a weight set to put in the garage so he can start working out. I told him to go right ahead, because I think I can get use of those weights, too! I've said all along that I do not only want to lose weight, but I want to be strong and toned, too. I also heard that schools system employees get a discount on our local gym membership. I'm thinking about maybe joining after we get our tax refund. I know I can workout at home, but I actually LIKE going to the gym. I like the cable-weight machines and the variety of cardio equipment. Our sports center also has a GREAT pool (indoor and out), so it would be great to have a membership so my kids and I can go this summer.

The scale was up a little this morning, reflecting the pizza I had for dinner. No big deal because I know the cause, and I know it will go away if I keep doing well. I bought a bag of lettuce, and plan on having a salad with dinner. I am also still planning on getting on the elliptical during Biggest Loser tonight. Oh, BTW...I watched the last half of Diet Tribe last night. It was okay. I still prefer BL.

I know this post is random, but so is my brain today...

Monday, January 12, 2009

It's MONDAY...

and I still OP! I did fall off a little this weekend with journaling, but didn't go crazy. I was very conscious of what I was eating, and still drank my water. I was a little nervous when I got on the scale this morning, and expected a slight gain (fried chicken wings for dinner on Sat. and breakfast on Sun.). But I had a .6 lb. loss from my Sat. morning weight! Yes! That just goes to show me that don't have to be perfect, just aware and willing to make good choices. Sometimes my problem is that I feel like if I can't do something 100%, then I can't do it at all. Right now, when it comes to this lifestyle, I know I can't be 100% all the time. But 80% if better than nothing! As long as I keep TRYING, I will succeed.

School went well on Saturday. I feel like I definitely made a good choice by transferring.

I am off from job #2 today and tomorrow, and my GOAL is to get on the elliptical...FOR REAL THIS TIME! I also have that new Biggest Loser Yoga DVD I haven't tried yet.

I had another "epiphany" the other night. Something really strong within me tells me that this is my year. Even last year when I started this journey, I knew I was starting a process that would give me fantastic rewards for 2009. So thinking about that, I started thinking about 1999, another year that I felt was very transforming in my life. So much happened to me in 1999 that has totally shaped my life the way I know it. Then I went back to 1989. I was only 13 years old, but it was also a really life-changing year for me! I can remember everything that happened that year, and also believe those events changed my life and who I am today. Coincidence? I don't think so. This will be a life-changing year for me, and I know my weight loss will play an important role.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

First Day of School

I am so nervous. Today is the first day of school for me. Well, it's actually just orientation, but still. I finished my Bachelor's online last year, and began my Master's online through University of Phoenix in June. I just don't like that school. I'm getting my Master's in Education and am seeking a teaching license, so the fact they keep changing their story on how I will get it scares me a little. I mean, I don't want to waste thousands of dollars for an education and not be able to teach! So, on the advice of at least 10 people I work with who are educators, I have been advised to transfer to a local university. They have a great teacher education program, and I will still be offered the convenience of online classes. Orientation is today, and it's just very different for me to actually attend anything on-campus. I'm sure it will be great, though.

Stayed OP yesterday - woo hoo! I even forgot my dinner to take to 2nd job, but I rushed in beforehand and bought a Healthy Choice frozen dinner and some FiberOne bars. I already had a bottle of water, and I was good to go! I'm loving my scale right now; it had me at 309.2 this morning! The daily motivation is helping me, but I know it should level off soon. Since I gained fairly quickly, I think it's okay to lose it quickly as well. But I can't wait to get back to my pre-holiday weight of around 306. Hell 3-0-anything is great for me, because that means I'm ALMOST out of the 300's FOREVER!

I'm off to make breakfast - probably something with eggs to tide me over until lunch, since I'm not sure if I'll be able to take a snack break in between sessions. Since my mother's house is close by campus, I plan on running by there to grab a sandwich for lunch. She always has low-cal bread and sandwich meat. As I'm typing this, I just decided to scratch that plan. I don't need any negativity today...

Here's to a great weekend!

Friday, January 9, 2009

311.6

I said at the beginning of the week that Friday was going to be my "official" WI day from now on. The scale said 311.6 this morning, which is a 2.4 lb. loss since Wednesday! I know I'm still losing water weight like crazy, but it still feels good to see this holiday weight going bye-bye. Now, I only have 5 lbs to go to get back to where I was before the holidays.

I stayed OP yesterday, despite my rocky start. I have found that when I TRY to adjust my mood, that I can make myself feel better. Yesterday afternoon Clyde switched cars with me while I was at job #1, but he forgot to put my uniform in the car for me. So I had to drive all the way home to get it and was late for job #2. I was so mad, but on the way home I made myself calm down. It was an accident, and he was trying to be nice by leaving me the car with the heat. So I knew that going home and chewing him out wouldn't do anything but cause an argument, and it really wasn't necessary. It sounds silly, but it made me feel good that I took control of my emotions and put them in check.

I had my healthy food and snacks for work last night, and stuck to them. I ended the day with 7 cups of water, 5 f/v, and 1.5 servings of dairy.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Not so great morning...

Thanks to my husband and my mother, I've started my day in a really pissy mood. My husband started with his usual before I even got out of bed this morning. But I shook it off and set about getting my kids ready for school. My husband usually takes my son, and I take the girls (since their school is right behind mine). But last night my mom called and said she needed my husband to take her to the doctor this morning, and they needed to leave by 7 a.m. so she'd get there on time. So that meant that I would have to drop off my son, making me late for work, but that was okay. I made the round, and when I pulled in the parking lot of my school, my husband was waiting there for me. Immediately, I knew something had to be wrong, otherwise he would be on the way to the doctor with my mom. He informed me that when he got to my mom's apartment, her car was not there, but my sister's car was, which means that my sister took her to the doctor. No big deal, but she could have at least CALLED to tell us that she had another ride, since she knew that I was going to have to rearrange my morning so that my husband could take her. I asked her more than once to call me if something came up, because this has happened before. See, my mother PAYS my sister $50 to take her to the doctor, and since my sister is on CRACK she will often show up to take her. Even though it IS her mother, and the person who has custody of her 11 year old son, my sister still requires the $50 fee to drive my mother (in her car, using her gas) to the doctor. And even though my husband and I take her for FREE, she still would rather go with my sister because that's how it is with my mother.

I'm sorry this is off topic as far as weight loss, but it's something that really bothers me. When we were kids, my mother idolized my sister (who is two years younger than me). She was the skinny, beautiful cheerleading model. I was the fat, ordinary, acne-prone nerd. My mother didn't even deny that she loved my sister more, but justified it because she thought my father loved me more. But my father didn't even live with us - we maybe saw him every other weekend, and even then he was drunk. I knew he loved me, but it didn't compensate for the inferior treatment that I got at home. My self-esteem was destroyed before I even had one. I was the joke of the house, not just for my mom, but for my sister, too. I hated both of them for a long time...

But then I got away, and grew up, and matured enough to forgive. I went to college, got married and started a family. My sister dropped out of high school, gave birth to two sons who she has nothing to do with, and started smoking crack and prostituting herself for a 60 year old pimp. My sister is a totally worthless person, and has done some very evil things to me (which also involve my husband). But no matter what she does, my mother still loves her best. She still enables her lifestyle, and refuses to see anything wrong with anything she does. But after losing my father in 2005, I vowed that I would love my mother no matter what. I have accepted who she is, and I honestly don't think she can hurt me anymore. After she refused to go to my college graduation last year (because she had a headache?), I decided that she couldn't hurt me anymore. But she still pisses me off.

Okay...after writing this out I feel better already. {{{Mood Adjusted}}}

I work both jobs today back to back, so I have packed all of my food, snacks, and water so I can stay OP. I got lazy last night, and didn't get on the elliptical, and also had a late-night bowl of cereal:( But this morning I still saw a .6 loss from yesterday on the scale (I know I shouldn't be weighing daily). I do know I am putting better food in my body, and eating less overall. I am so happy to be back in control of my diet. It's about the only thing in my life that I can control right now...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Okay...I weighed in...

I know I said I wouldn't do it until Friday, but I went ahead and weighed in this morning. I did well yesterday and ate good food and stayed OP. I ended up with 4 f/v, 6.5 cups of water, and 3 servings of dairy. I rushed home from Job #1 and actually cooked a healthy dinner before going to Job #2. No snacking at 11 p.m. when I got home, no visiting the vending machine/Starbucks/pizza hut/food avenue at Job #2. I was in control.

So I woke up this morning and was proud of myself. I went and got the scale and brought it into my bathroom (where it will now live) and weighed. I was really scared that I was back over 320 lbs., but was pleasantly surprised that I weighed in at 314! That's only a .2 lb. gain from before Christmas (or whenever the last time I weighed was), and only a 7 lb. gain overall. Believe me, 7 lbs. is a GIFT considering that I've been off plan since around Thanksgiving! So I'm still 19 lbs down, and very glad that I haven't destroyed all of my hard work.

I am off from Job #2 tonight, so I am planning to spend at least 30 minutes on the elliptical tonight. A very small part of me craves exercise, and loves the feeling I get from it. I really WANT to be that person who LOVES to work out, but the lazy part of me still dominates. But I figure the more I commit to regular exercise, the more the hidden exercise lover will emerge. I've been there before, back in 2004/2005. I used to LOVE going to the gym, and couldn't go a day without it. I want to be that Hollie again.

I'm already drinking water, and I have all of my good food to eat. I'm ready to face the day!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Recommitting

I am officially recommitting to Weight Watcher's TODAY! I have been slowly getting back into better eating habits and trying to detox my body from all of the sugar and alcohol I've been binging on since Thanksgiving. So today I started off with a Slim Fast and planned on making today the day I started drinking water again. Then I decided that I need to stop putting it off, and I might as well get back on the WW wagon today, and start journaling my points and keeping up with what I eat/drink today. I've misplaced my points calculator, but I'm writing down the Cal/Fat/Fiber to figure it later.

I am going to hold off on getting on the scale until Saturday (which will be my new WI day). I know I am holding on to a lot of water weight (I haven't been drinking water AT ALL for at least a month). The scale and the numbers on it does weird things to me, and I don't want to see a big gain and get discouraged, so I'm going to give myself a few days to get back on track first. I know I've gained a little, but my pants are still loose so I haven't destroyed all my efforts.

I am going to go for 8 - 10 glasses of water this week to flush some of this junk out of my system. I am also going to limit myself to only 1 diet soda per day (I've been drinking about FIVE), and I am going to shoot for 5 f/v (from NONE). It might sound like a lot at once, but I know I can do it, and I NEED to do it.

I have also decided to start getting on the elliptical again on the days I don't work at Target. When I first started my second job, my body had a hard time adjusting to the physical labor, and I was literally in pain every day. My feet and knees HURT so bad after I got off from work each night, and for most of the next day. But now, I am adjusting and am ready to start exercising again. The movement I do at Target has to be helping me because if not, I would have gained so much more than I know I have. But that movement PLUS exercise at least 3 times per week will be excellent, I'm sure.

I've been successful so far this week with controlling my mood. Making a conscious effort to be happy and positive does help. I have tried to be clear about the changes I want to make this year to Clyde, and have allowed him the opportunity to either get on board or get out of my way, so we'll see what happens with that.

Thank you all for the positive response to my New Year's resolutions. I value your input, and appreciate your support!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year!

"It's my time to SHINE in 2009!"

This is my motto for the new year! For the past few weeks I have been reflecting about my life and the direction it needs to take for me to be successful and happy. My husband continually tells me that happiness doesn't matter, but I think he is a liar. I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to shine.

2009 Resolutions:

1. Start putting ME first.
2. Keep working toward my weight loss goals.
3. Form a consistent exercise routine.
4. Save money.
5. Obtain my teacher license.
6. Continue to work on my Master's degree.
7. Find happiness no matter what my circumstances are.
8. Stop isolating myself from people who care about me.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was able to spend time with both of my best friends (separately) over this past week, and really talk to them about the personal issues I'm having (especially in my marriage). I received some good advice from both of them, and they both agreed that I had somehow lost perspective over the past few years and they could definitely see that I am not happy. I have allowed myself to crawl under a rock, and only surround myself with people who bring me down and do not want to see me succeed.

Like I said before, 2009 is going to be my year to shine. I WILL start putting ME first, because I am important. I can't be good at anything, including being a good mother, if I put myself at the bottom of my priority list. I will lose weight, and I will feel good about myself. I will also make tough decisions along the way because they are necessary. I now have a plan, and I will succeed!