Friday, February 27, 2009

Staying on track this weekend...

My number one goal for this weekend is to stay on track. I've done well today, even though I've eaten a lot of points. I've been hungry, but I'm making good choices. I made a heaping bowl of oatmeal this morning, using 1/2 c. oatmeal, and it was too much. I only ate about half of the mixture because I was full. I packed a PB&J and some strawberries and Greek yogurt for lunch. But my co-worker bought me a foot-long Subway, so I ate that instead. Only half, though - I'm saving the other half for dinner. That was around 11 a.m. At 12:30 I ate the strawberries and 1/2 the container of Greek yogurt. It was my first time trying it and I didn't care for it. Instead of eating the whole thing, I just threw the rest away. No need to waste that extra point, right? Just now I ate the PB&J. I still have 11 pts left for dinner, and the sub is only 5 so I should be okay for tonight. I am watching Jess's kids tonight until she gets off from work, so I plan on making something kid-friendly for all 7 of the children, and eating my sub.

Tomorrow I plan on cleaning and unpacking the few boxes I have left in the house. I need to catch up on laundry, and sweep and mop the floors. My garage is almost clean enough for me to unfold the elliptical and start using it, so that is another goal I'd like to reach tomorrow. With all of the busy-work, I will hopefully be able to avoid a lot of snacking and eating. I am still journaling every BLT, so I will continue to do so this weekend. I work on Sunday from 11:30 a.m. - 7 p.m., so I plan on bringing my lunch and snacks to be prepared. The women I work with eat A LOT of junk. They provide drinks for sale in the refrigerator in the stock room, and they don't even have diet soda! Last week when I told them I was on WW, they looked at me funny. Okay, ladies. We work at Lane Bryant, but we don't have eat all day while we're at work, right? Being fat is not a requirement for employment. I love Lane Bryant, and appreciate the stylish fashions they provide for big girls like me. But I don't wanna shop there FOREVER!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Oatmeal envy...

For the past week or so, I have become addicted to blogs that have pictures of their healthy menus on display. Kath Eats Real Food, Angie all the Way, Finding Radiance, and Incredible Shrinking Family are just a few that I tune into daily. One thing that I have really become interested in are the oatmeal recipes. They look so yummy and filling.

So today at work, while I was trying to avoid the vending machine and stay on plan, I spent a lot of time looking at recipes and food ideas. I decided to go to the store after work to stock my cupboard. I wrote a list of a few thing I wanted to try. So I get to Kroger, and start stocking up. I found ground flax, thanks to Irene posting a picture of it the other day so I knew what I was looking for. But there were still some things I couldn't find, like Almond Breeze and Larabars. So I stumble up on the "organic" section of the store, and BINGO, there were all these products that I had been trying to find forever. Even Greek yogurt (which I bought at Publix and still haven't tried).

I made really good decisions on healthy food that could be made into quick meals, like boneless skinless chicken and lots of different kinds of beans. I also chose whole wheat bread and hamburger and hotdog buns, which I normally don't do because they cost more. I felt very confident about the food in my basket. So much so that when I ran into a co-worker who I go to Weight Watchers with, I showed off the healthy fare in my basket! Ha!

So I get home, eat my healthy dinner, and still have 6 pts left. For a bedtime "snack", I decided to make a small portion of oatmeal, just to see how it would turn out. So I went on the Kath Eats Real Food site, watched a YouTube video in which she prepared her oatmeal, then set off to my kitchen to do it myself. As you can see from the picture, it was a success! Very yummy! It was oatmeal with pumpking and butterscotch chips and coconut sprinkled on top. I forgot to add flax, but I'll do that tomorrow. It killed that craving I was having for something sweet. I was so proud, and thought I would take a picture just for kicks!

I stayed within my points today, so I am very happy about that. I have everything planned for tomorrow, so hopefully I won't stumble.

A new day...

Yesterday ended badly. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I really lost control. I did so well yesterday until I got home. I planned on making some frozen cheese ravioli for dinner with some Ragu sauce. Then I noticed that I had a loaf of frozen garlic bread in the freezer. Yummy. So I got out my points calculator, and read my labels, and knew exactly what and how much I could eat. I would have exactly enough points left for this meal. But as that garlic bread was baking, I could feel myself slipping. I knew I was not going to stop at one portion.

Long story short, I went back for more ravioli and garlic bread. The only good thing I can say about it is that I kept track of what I was shoveling on my plate, and I journaled all of it. Every single bite. As I piled up in my recliner to watch Biggest Loser, I started craving something sweet. I got very close to driving to the store to buy ice cream and candy bars, but I didn't. Instead I settled for some frozen breakfast pastries that were in my freezer. I decided to go to bed before I could do anymore damage. I had heartburn, and felt like shit. That's the negatives. But there is a positive side:

1. I journaled every, single thing I ate yesterday. I kept track of portions so I could do this - even got the box of frozen breakfast pastries out of the trash so I could calculate points. Now I know that I went 20 POINTS OVER. I can't lie to myself and say it wasn't that bad. It was.
2. I drank 7 cups of water yesterday, and only had 2 diet sodas.
3. I am back on the wagon this morning, and will keep getting back on no matter how many times I fall off. I'm not quitting! No way!

This morning I packed my lunch, but forgot my oatmeal for breakfast. Since I need to eat breakfast to stay in control until lunch, I got a single serving of cereal from the cafeteria with a pint of skim milk for 4 points total. I have a tuna/cheese/spinach wrap for lunch, and fruit in my desk. I already had to talk myself out of going to the vending machine for candy this morning. I am chewing gum in an effort to keep my mouth busy enough that I can't shove anything in there. This is a struggle, but I know I can do it.

My goals today is to journal, drink water, and stay away from the vending machine!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Climbing out of the hole I'm in...

I did not get back on track Monday, and yesterday could have been better. I almost wanted to skip my WW meeting, but didn't. I also planned to use a No Weigh pass, but didn't. I figured that I should step on the scale and face the music. It wasn't that bad considering the poor choices I have made over the past several days. I bought a 3-month journal, and committed to getting back on plan. This morning I got up early and packed a healthy lunch. I had some leftover Whitt's Barbecue from last night, so I made a wrap with Flatout bread, lots of spinach, 1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese, and about 3 oz. of BBQ. It looked yummy, and I can't wait to have it for lunch. I also have a sweet potato, and I had oatmeal for breakfast. I WILL STAY ON PLAN THIS WEEK. I CAN DO IT.

I have journaled everything so far, and am hoping my new food journal will motivate me to get back to journaling. When I first got back on plan last year, I journaled every day for over 70 days. My goals is to journal every day for the next 3 months to fill up this journal. Even if I get off track, I will journal because I know it helps me. I am also going to make a conscious effort to check off all the little boxes for the healthy guidelines. Even the milk and oil and multivitamin. Yes, it's back to basics for me.

***for those of you who have a Whitt's Barbecue in their area - they not only have Nutrition information on their website, but they have also calculated Weight Watcher's points! I thought that was great! And I wrote them an email to let them know how much I appreciated it. And it's not as bad as I thought - 3 ounces of pork barbecue is 5 points (62/4/0 for 1 oz).

Monday, February 23, 2009

Sliding backwards...

I should have known it last week when I saw the numbers "301" on the scale. I was too darned close to 299 to actually keep my ass in gear. I have been eating badly AGAIN! Why do I do this???? I get so close, then sabotage myself. I ate a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies yesterday. And I've already had two donuts today. I have been drinking water, at least. And I have not given up - nor do I plan to. But I know I'm not trying my best, and that I need to get it together. NOW!

I tried to reflect on what exactly is going on that is causing me to steer off track. One thing I can think of is not being on a schedule at home. For some reason, there just isn't enough hours in the day. I get off from work at 3:15, but last week it was sometimes 7 p.m. before we got home. There is so much "stuff" to do, and now that I have the sole responsibility of doing everything in my household, it's been so busy. I still have not finished unpacking, and I've lived there for over three weeks! I'm just not motivated to get it done when I'm so tired from everything else. I'm also tired because I'm going to bed too late. Most nights it's around 1 a.m., and I have to get up at 6 a.m. But I can't sleep! I hate sleeping alone, so I put it off and end up staying up too late. I need more sleep.

This weekend I started my new PT job at Lane Bryant. It went well, and seems like it will be a fun job. But being around all those clothes is going to be hard to resist. I love clothes! But my co-workers insist that impulse will wear off after a few weeks. I sure hope so. But working this weekend meant that I couldn't concentrate on getting the rest of the unpacking done. I did, however, get a lot of my garage cleaned out on Saturday morning. I got the deep freezer and xtra refrigerator cleaned out, and a lot of laundry done. I had friends over again last night, so nothing got done after work. But once again we had a blast, so it was worth it.

Tonight I plan on having company again. Jess's friend (and my new friend) is coming over to do laundry, and in exchange for using my washer/dryer, she is going to cut my son's hair and braid both of my girls' hair. I think Jess will probably come over again with her kids, so it will probably be another late night. I know I need to start cutting out the school night guests, but I really need the distraction right now. It helps to have a friend to talk to in person, and I think my kids also like having fun as a distraction. I know it is a lot easier to crash and go to sleep after they leave! Seven kids under one roof is an adventure!

I'm not waiting until tomorrow to get back on track...it starts right now. So far I've had a packet of oatmeal (3 pts) and leftover spaghetti (5 pts). And an apple. I've also had two donuts, though. But I plan on eating light for the rest of the day, eating a lot of fruits and veggies. Tomorrow is WW weigh in, but I'm not stressing about the numbers for some reason. I'm more concerned about my lifestyle change and how I feel when I'm eating well. I know I feel awesome, and I sure as hell like the way my new size 24's fit! That's my goal...to eat healthy food so I can look great and feel great - no matter what the number on the scale is. I really think if I concentrate on being healthy and making healthy choices, the numbers on the scale will come...

Friday, February 20, 2009

TGIF!

The kiddos and I are home today. There's a stomach bug going around, and we've all got it. Well, I'm not sure I've got it, but my kids have been taking turns on the toilet. I felt a little nauseous when I got up this morning, but the smell of diarrhea can often do that to ya!

I went out with my BFF and some of her friends last night and we had a ball! I stayed OP yesterday, and have really been trying to get in as many f/v as possible. I only had two mixed drinks last night (that were awful), but still felt a little puffy this morning. I got on the scale and STS, but it's not official until Monday morning. I'm still expecting a loss because I've been eating really well and drinking my water like a good girl. Only 2 more lbs to Twoderville, and I can't wait!

The place we went to last night was sort of a night club/sports bar. I always get so nervous about going to night clubs because I feel so self-conscious about my weight. So last night was no different. But I had on my new jeans, with a pair of heels I haven't wore yet, and a cute top, so I figured I looked good. I told my bff about being nervous, and she assured me that I had nothing to worry about. Then I got there, and most of the other women there was fat, too! Obesity really is an epidemic! But at least I try to cover my fat up - some of these women were wearing clothes that were WAY too tight, LOL! But I guess if they're comfortable enough with their bodies to wear it, kudos to them.

Well, we've laid around all morning, and I guess I need to get up and try to clean and unpack some more. We've lived in this house almost three weeks and I still haven't finished unpacking. I've totally finished my living room and the kitchen, but the bedrooms still have boxes. My garage/utility room is such a mess, I didn't notice until last night that my deep freezer was unplugged. All the food in there was ruined, and there was A LOT of meat and food in there. Oh, well. My plan is to re-freeze it so the smell doesn't make me sick, then take it to the dump tomorrow. I also plan on getting my bedroom curtains to the dry cleaner, and hanging up the curtain rods.

I start my new job at Lane Bryant Outlet tomorrow, so I'm excited about that! 20% discount at the outlet, 40% at the retail store. I'm gonna have to be very careful about not spending my entire paycheck on clothes. I love clothes...and the more weight I lose the more I want to buy.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Thursday already...

This week seems to have just flown by! I didn't post yesterday because I was pretty uninspired. I ate very well, and stayed within my points. I said no to the cereal that was calling my name last night, and even tried to go to bed early (11:15 p.m.). I went back to Publix last night and re-upped my supply of fruit. I'm still good on veggies, but the fruit was all gone. I got mangoes, oranges, applies, strawberries, and a pear. Before I went to bed I made a fruit salad w/ mangoes, pears, and strawberries to take to work today. I also brought along a bowl of baby spinach, and planned on eating it for lunch with some of the fruit and a new raspberry vinaigrette dressing I bought. Never really tried a vinaigrette before, but I thought it looked good. When I got to work I remembered that I had a packet of light tuna, so I think I'll add that, too.

I had a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and it was pretty bland. I need to start adding pumpkin and other goodies like I see so many other bloggers doing. I like oatmeal for breakfast because it keeps me pretty filled up until lunch. I've all but cut out my coffee in the mornings. It's amazing how I don't miss it that much. Clyde used to always get up and fix coffee, so it was ready when I got up. But now that it's up to me to either set it the night before or prepare it in the mornings, I rarely do.

I think I'm going out again tonight. Jess goes to a club in Nashville on Thursday nights and she really wants me to go with her. I'm not really a "club" person, but I guess why not? Fun times and laughter is keeping me from thinking too much about Clyde and how broke I am.

Clyde called yesterday and he was suicidal. I cried for less than a minute after I got off the phone with him, and five minutes later I was okay and folding laundry. It was much later that I realized this was not my normal reaction to emotions surrounding my marriage. I don't feel guilty at all about being happy and relaxed while he is homeless and miserable. Maybe it means I'm really moving on. Or I'm just a cold bitch. I have no desire to take him back. I don't wish him dead, and I don't hate him. But I don't want to be with him anymore. Period.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Too much fun...

Man, I really had a lot of fun this weekend! Yesterday I woke up WAY late, and tried to work on laundry. I left out at around 2 p.m. to run errands, and didn't get back until almost 7 p.m. Jessica came over with her 4 boys, and we made burgers (they were awesome). At 9 p.m., an old friend of mine called and stopped by. Jess and her boys didn't leave until 11 p.m., and Pam didn't leave until after midnight. My kids were up WAY too late for a school night, but we were havin' fun! It was so good to hang out with Pam because she has always been one of the funniest people I know. She dumped her abusive/control-freak man last year after 15 years, and I've never seen her so happy. She assures me that I'll get there, too. If last weekend is any predictor, I'm on my way to good times and happiness. I have smiled and laughed so much over the past few days. It feels good!

If any of you are on Facebook look me up! I've always heard it's addictive, and now I see why. I signed up Sunday night, and by yesterday I had a dozen or more friend requests from people in high school/college that I haven't seen or heard from in YEARS. I guess now is a good time in my life to catch up with old friends, right?

I am going to try to arrange a Weight Watcher's meeting this afternoon. If I can get my mom to watch my son for a little while longer after school, I'm going to the at-work meeting. There are only two weeks left in this session, then they'll start another block that will carry us through the end of the school year. I've put the money back for it (from my tax refund). At this money-crunch time in my life, I hate to spend the money, but I'm worth it. I like going to WW meetings, and I ALWAYS lose weight when I stick to meetings. Honestly, I think I can justify this expense as I would if I needed to buy medicine every week.

Yesterday I took my mom to Lane Bryant Outlet, and they offered me a part-time job. Well, they gals in there offer me a job every time I come in there. But the manager personally gave me an application yesterday and told me that I could only work weekends if I wanted to. I thought that was nice, and since I sure miss my the money I made working a second job I'm gonna do it. The hours during the week would be from 5 - 9, which isn't too late. But I don't have to work during the week if I don't want to, and can only work weekends. This is doable, and even if it's $50 a week, that's $200 per month that will help me tremendously right now.

Because of my late night, I didn't prepare my lunch for today, but I still decided to make the best of a bad situation. I brought a packet of oatmeal for lunch (quick, right?) and a lot of fruit. And bottled water since I didn't drink a lot of water this weekend. The new WW rule about "liquids" kind of confuses me. I def get enough "liquids" every day, but I still feel like I'm lacking if I don't get at least 6 glasses of water per day on top of the coffee, diet soda, etc. that I drink. Maybe I'm just old school, but who knows.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Class of '94



So after the 100th person had sent me a request to set up a Facebook profile, I joined last night. While I was cruising around the site, I noticed a page for my high school's class (1994). I was floored when I saw an invite for our 15th class reunion - on APRIL 11! Our 5th and 10th reunion were during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, so I thought I had plenty of time to prepare! By prepare I mean - LOSE WEIGHT!

See, I was fat in high school - wearing anywhere from a 20 - 24. I skipped my 5-year, but for my 10 year class reunion, I had met my goal of losing 100 lbs, and wore size 18. Now I will have to go back 5 years later fat again. I guess I should be thankful for the weight I have lost!

The kids and I went to church yesterday. It was okay. I think we'll visit somewhere new next week. After church we went shopping with my mom, and she bought me several pairs of sexy underwear and two new bras! She actually said she hopes I find someone to show them off to soon! I told you she was coo-k00!

I did well with eating yesterday, but didn't journal. My goal is to keep in control today. I'm off for Presidents day - getting ready to get out and run errands. It's sunny, but cold outside. I really would love to get out for a walk later!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Weigh-in - 301!

What?!?! My scale said 301? I got on THREE times to make sure! OMG! That's a 3.4 lb. loss since last time I weighed! I'm almost in Twoderville! 299 is my goal weight - I'm almost there!

I'm going to church this morning with my kids and I'm nervous. I guess that's silly, but still the way I feel. It's been a long time. I feel convicted to go, though.

Friday night was fun. I hung out with my BFF, then hung out with another friend I hadn't seen in a while. Didn't even drink! I think I'll have more of this fun stuff in the future.

Yesterday I got a lot of unpacking done. My kids and I ordered pizza and I only had one piece. Not very hungry yesterday. But the best part is that I got the stereo/surround sound hooked up and we listened to CDs and danced and sang for HOURS! It was great. For some reason Clyde didn't like music in the house, so I've missed having that.

I saw Clyde yesterday. He was cracked out, and I didn't even cry about it afterwards. I think that means I'm slowly moving on.

BBL

Friday, February 13, 2009

Out on the Town!

I am going out tonight, and I'm so FREAKIN' excited. My best friend is a social butterfly. She goes out several times a week, even though I don't see how she does it. She's got FOUR boys under age 9, and she works full-time. So she told me that it was time for ME to start having fun like I used to. Did I ever have fun? It's been so long I don't remember. But since we've been friends for 15 years I guess she would know.

Last night I did my meal prep so I am ready for today! I plan to keep it light because I know I'll be drinking alcohol tonight. Here's my menu so far:

Breakfast:
12 oz. coffee w/ Splenda & 3 tbs. creamer - 3
1 package instant oatmeal - 3
1 banana - 2

Lunch:
Wrap w/ Flatout bread - 1
3 oz. roasted chicken breast - 3
1/4 c. RF shredded cheese - 2
naval orange - 1

Snacks:
apple - 1
strawberry cereal bar - 3

This morning we had a meeting with the principal in the office, and three different people told me to make sure to stop by the teacher's lounge because there was "goodies" in there. One woman told me about the Butterfingers cake, and another about the "to die for" chocolate truffles. Any other day I would have got happy! But today I instantly felt wary. But since I saw beautiful strawberries on someones plate, I went in the lounge after the meeting. It was a sugar paradise. But only two pitiful looking strawberries were left. I turned around and walked out. I DID NOT INDULGE. This is huge.

But even bigger is what happened back in my classroom. One of our students brought in treats. Iced cookies, candy, and Doritos. Offered to me - I said no. Sitting on the table beside my desk - No problem. I'm not even tempted. I am FOCUSED right now, and it makes me feel POWERFUL.

I wearing heels with my jeans at work today. I actually think I look pretty darned good! It seems "wrong" somehow to like how I look, but I can feel my self-esteem breaking out of the bonds that have been suppressing it for so many years. Anyone think that a boost in self-esteem is helping me stay focused on my journey to lose weight? Even with all that has happened in my life for the past month, I feel great today. The sunshine seems to be peeking through the clouds.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Non-Scale Victories!

Just had to post again today because it's been a good one! Two great NSV's to announce:

1. Although I have not been on a scale this week (too chicken), I am pleased to say that I am "officially" in a size 24 pants! This week I have wore two pair of pants out of my closet that didn't fit several weeks ago. Both were size 24, twill, and not stretchy. They were not tight at all. So tonight I went to Lane Bryant to buy an outfit to wear out tomorrow. I bought a pair of jeans, and a pair of pants - both size 24 and both look great! When I started this journey back in August I wore a size 28.

2. I stayed on plan today! I ate only the food I brought with me to work today. After work, I came home and my mom wanted to go to Lane Bryant. Well, on the way to get her she called me to announce she'd changed her mind, but I went anyway. My BFF and I are GOING OUT tomorrow (I'm so excited), so I thought I could at least buy me an outfit since I have no "going out" clothes. After Lane Bryant, I stopped out Bath and Body Works to discover the whole store was 75% off! So I bought me some shower gels and lotions (I LOVE that stuff, so it was a TREAT).

Then I remembered that tomorrow two of my children are supposed to bring Valentine cards and a classroom treat for parties. We stopped at Wal-mart and I was SO tempted by the cookies and candy. (V-day is usually the time I look forward to eating an entire box of chocolates by myself). But I skipped it and bought a Cadbury egg (4 pts). I even decided to save it for later instead of eating in the car on the way home to make sure I'd have enough points for it. I stopped at McD's and got the kiddos something to eat since we were all starving. It was almost 8 p.m. when we got home, but I fixed a great salad for dinner (10 PTS).

3+ cups of salad greens
4 oz. roasted chicken breast
1/4 c. reduced fat shredded cheese
1 tomato
1 tbs. salad topping
3 tbs. reduced calorie honey mustard dressing

It was a great salad - very filling. And I have 4 pts left over for that Cadbury egg! Woo HOOO! But the point is that I stayed in control, and didn't deviate from my plan to STAY ON TRACK. Today was a SUCCESS!

36/36 POINTS
EIGHT f/v
EIGHT glasses of water, 1 diet soda
2 servings lean protein
1 serving of dairy
whole grains - YES!
9 filling foods

Preparation is a lot of work!

Last night I followed through with my plan to get on track with healthy eating. I went to Publix and only shopped the perimeter of the store. I bought oranges, apples, bananas, spinach, sweet potatoes, and strawberries. I got some Flat-out bread and lean turkey, one container of Greek yogurt (to try it), and a roast chicken for dinner tonight. I was very pleased after my trip to the grocery.

So after getting the FINAL load from the old house, we came home and I got my kitchen totally unpacked and cleaned and mopped. It felt great to have at least ONE room in the house done. So then I started getting my food prepped and journaled for today. Man, it took forever! Just the process of planning what I would eat, then writing it down and finding the point values took up a chunk of time. Then I had to find containers, and wrap everything up. But I did it, and this morning it was easy to just grab everything and go. Here's my menu so far:

Breakfast:
1 1/2 c. strawberries - 1
1 pkt. high-fiber oatmeal - 3
10 oz. coffee w/ splenda & 4 tbs. creamer - 4

Lunch:
Wrap made with -
Flat Out bread - 1
7 slices deli turkey - 1
1 c. spinach - 0
mustard - 0
1 sl. RF colby-jack cheese - 1
Baked Sweet Potato w/ 1 tbs margarine & Splenda - 4

Snacks:
1 1/2 c. strawberries - 1
apple - 1
1 oz. walnuts - 5

So far that's 22 pts, which leaves me 14 points for dinner. For dinner I'm having a salad w/ roast chicken breast, but I'll still need to get my oils and dairy in so that should be plenty.

I just ate my breakfast, and those 7 grams of Fiber in the oatmeal is already making my stomach hurt! My body is probably in shock because I went from donuts to high-fiber oatmeal within a 12 hour period! But like always, my body will adjust and start feeling great. Tonight I will clean and unpack my living room, and I have plans to do an exercise DVD. Probably 10-minute Target Toning (I like that one).

On a side note: I haven't heard from Clyde since Sunday night. He never called me after the whole hospital thing on Monday. Every night I expect him to show up at my house, but I am ready for it and still plan to call the police. I spent some time yesterday looking up info about getting a legal separation. My gut tells me to save the money and just file for divorce. I'm so done with this man and this relationship.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Self-sabotage and SUGAR

I woke up this morning and had two donuts. I had two more after I got to work.

I went to the store yesterday, but was rushing through. I got oatmeal, but that's about it as far as healthy food choices go. There wasn't enough hours in my day yesterday. We didn't get home until 9 p.m. My house is a disaster zone. Because I haven't been home, unpacking has been slow. We keep bringing loads from the old house, and are just shoving it into the garage. Now we can barely get through the garage to the back door! My BFF (Jessica) came over last night with her 4 boys to see the new place. I got the kitchen straightened enough to make frozen pizza for all 7 kids. Today should be the LAST load from the old house. I thought I was finished yesterday, then I looked in the garage and found several things left in there that I have to get (like my grandmothers rocking chair).

So today my plan is: Get the last load from the old house, go to Publix to get fresh fruit/veggies and healthy meal choices for Momentum, be home by 5 p.m. and unpack continuously until 7 p.m., be in bed by 9 p.m. I have to get organized ASAP so I can start planning my meals the night before. We are leaving 15 - 20 minutes late every morning because we are not waking up on time, because we are going to bed too late. Things are just too hectic and it's wearing us all down. Thankfully we have a 3-day weekend coming up.

So this morning I am reading Scale Junkie's blog, and she's talking about self-sabotage. I could totally identify with her post. Am I in a phase of self-sabotage, or is it just the emotional turmoil I'm going through that is derailing my healthy eating plan? Or is it both? Whatever it is, I have to stop it. I say that every day, but so far I am still caving to these damned DONUTS! Why am I buying them? Why do I even go to that section of the store, since it's across the store from the PRODUCE aisle?

For over a year I have realized that I am addicted to sugar, but eliminating it from my diet has not been something I've been willing to do. But I think it may be necessary to rid myself of these awful cravings that I have. Just for a week, maybe? Can I live without the high? Honestly, I don't know if I can do it, but I have to try to at least cut down. Sugary foods are always my downfall, and always the beginning of my periods of self-sabotage.

I looked at Kroger for Greek yogurt yesterday and couldn't find any. The healthy food selection at Kroger is slim. So I noticed that near my new house there's a PUBLIX right down the street, so I am going there after school today. Publix is known in these parts for having more selection of healthy foods, and their produce is always good. More expensive, but worth it. By the time I go to bed tonight, I am going to have my meals planned for tomorrow. No excuses this time!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Getting Angry

I think it's time for me to stop feeling sorry for my sorry-ass husband and the situation he has put us in. I've been in this stunned state for a few weeks now, kinda like you feel when you've been punched in the face. I've been running on auto-pilot, not really paying attention to myself, but focusing on my children and my husband. But yesterday I felt a new emotion - anger. It made me angry that Clyde took that money I gave him and immediately started doing drugs with it. It made me angry that he STILL hasn't called me to explain what happened. I mean, if it was so important to ask someone from the hospital to call my JOB, then at least he could contact me in person. It makes me angry that I've fallen for this shit for so many years. I deserve better, and so do my kids.

So after I got angry last night, I sort of liked the way it made me feel strong. I was really pissed off. I'm ready for this to be over, and I'm ready to start putting ME first. Because the principal at our school walked in on me crying after I got "the call" yesterday, he sent the school counselors in to talk to me. It really helped a lot, and they gave me information for a resource the school system provides for up to 10 free counseling sessions. I am going to use them, because it helps to get it out. I use this blog as an outlet (sorry for those of you who don't like non-weight related posts), and I also treasure the encouragement I receive from my friends who read this blog. This is a big step in my life, and I need help if I am going to be able to stay sane through this.

Tonight I am going to the store, and I am going to finally get started on the Momentum plan. I am going to get my kitchen unpacked, so I can start cooking and prepping my meals. Tomorrow is going to be the day I get my eating together. I will not continue to let this stress and emotional upheaval get me off track and cause me to gain weight. I WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN. There, I said it. I am also going to start posting my meals for accountability.

And as far as Clyde goes, I am going to stay away from him. Now that the move is over, I have no reason to talk to him or be around him, especially if he's doing drugs. I will not let him in my house, and will ask him to leave if he shows up. Until he gets his shit together enough to start paying me child support, I have no reason to deal with him. I will stop letting him send me into an emotional tailspin. I will be strong and absolute and focus on myself instead of him. I can't love him more than I love myself. I am ready to start falling in love with ME!

Monday, February 9, 2009

When will it ever stop...

The drama in my life is driving me insane. I don't know how much more I can take. I am so stressed out, and I've finally succumed to emotional eating. I've been eating badly, with no regard to my plan. I've been eating donuts like I should be eating salad. I know I need to do better, and I will. I'm not giving up.

I tried to finish moving this weekend. We worked all day Saturday and Sunday, and got almost everything done. I have a load of trash and another load of odds and ends that I will do today, then I will be done. Then starts the unpacking process. The new place is a mess! It's so overwhelming. I found out Friday that Clyde has been doing drugs again. The refund money I gave him Friday morning to find an apartment was gone by Friday night. Saturday and Sunday he did stick around to help me move. We got along great, and then he informed me yesterday he needed another $1000! WTF! So I gave him $500 and told him that was it. The well was dry. Last night he called to inform me he had checked into a weekly-rate motel.

This morning I was pulled out of my class for a phone call from a woman at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville. Apparently, Clyde was attacked and robbed this morning at around 6 a.m. Someone found him laying outside of his car with no wallet and no phone. They were running tests on him and couldn't tell me the extent of his injuries, and the police were involved. The woman told me she would call me back, and when she did he had been discharged. Apparently he had another ride from the hospital. This tells me the incident was totally drug related.

At first I was so torn about whether or not I should leave work to rush to his side. I felt so selfish when I decided that he needed to deal with it himself, and that if he needed me he would call me. Well, since he still hasn't called, I guess he doesn't want me involved. I do admit that I'm afraid he will come to my house this afternoon to see if he can get more money. I'm a little afraid of what he'll do if I say no again. But I do know that if he threatens me at all I WILL call the police this time. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of him being so unpredictable. I'm tired of this drama.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Wearing Red!

I'm wearing my RED today for the American Heart Association! I'm also rocking a pair of my new heels. They make me feel sexy!

I'm going to post the rest of the pics on my Progress Pictures page.
No post yesterday because nothing spectacular happened. In my world, I guess that's a good thing, right?

I took some pictures this morning because today is the day a lot of people are wearing red for the American Heart Association. My whole school system is doing it, and I know a few of my fellow bloggers are posting pics today. I tried to post them this a.m. but ran out of time; I'll do it when I get home tonight. I liked the pics, though, because I can tell that I look smaller.

Our income tax refund was in my bank account this morning, so I will finish moving this weekend. I dread it, but am ready to get everything out of the old house. Clyde has decided not to stay there, so I guess we're going to become on of the thousands of home owners who have had to walk away from their home. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about all the money we dumped into that house for nothing.

I've been eating terribly for the past two days. No binging, but bad food choices. I know it's stress and TOM that is causing insane sugar cravings. I'll get it together this weekend. I've just got to get this move DONE. Although this week has been better emotionally, I have a bad feeling that there will be drama this weekend. Maybe this has been why my mind hasn't been on healthy eating. I brought a salad to work yesterday, but didn't even eat it! The school lunch (pizza and french fries) was much more appealing.

Yesterday I went to Wal-mart to buy a coffee pot and an iron. Out of nowhere I told my kids that we were also going to buy DONUTS! As they cheered and we headed to the bakery, I was thinking, "Why am I doing this?". But I didn't stop myself from buying them. I guess I am making progress, though, because I didn't eat them all. There were still six left out of twelve this morning, and I know my kids ate several last night. I ate one for breakfast with my coffee. Just one. I am tickled with my new coffee maker, which I am able to program the night before so my coffee is brewed when I wake up. And it was only $19.88!

BBL

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Back to meetings!

Ok, so I am officially back in Weight Watchers! I went to the meeting last night. It was only $19 to join, and I felt good about going. They let me keep my original start weight (333) because I still had my envelope, and I was pleasantly surprised when she announced that I had LOST weight since the last time I was at a meeting (11/24/08). I know I was weighing "heavy" last night - I had just ate dinner and had on boots, but I am only 1 lb. away from getting my 25 lb. prize from WW, and only 10 lbs away from getting my 10 percent. Of course, I am still going to keep my "official" weigh ins on Friday on my own scale because I think it's more accurate. Weighing naked first thing in the morning is better than weighing after dinner with all your clothes on, right? But I figure that this time I'm not going to WW for the number on THEIR scale, but for the support and motivation I need to keep going toward a healthy lifestyle.

I liked all the Momentum material I received - having your WI log, points book, and intro material all in one folder is genius. With a pocket for your tracker, too! But everyone who says Momentum is basically just combining core foods with the flex program is right, that's all it is. Count your points, eat more CORE foods - that's basically it. And instead of the 8 healthy guidelines, there's 9 - they added 30 min. of exercise. And the strangest thing is that they now allow ANY liquid to count as your 6 glasses of liquid. You are no longer required to drink water, only encouraged to. I don't know about that... I don't LIKE water, but I can't deny that it's good for me and I need to drink it.

So I went to the store last night in the freezing cold to get some salad greens, and Kroger had 1-lb. bags of walnuts and almonds on sale for $2.99, so I got some of those, too. And some low-cal bread. I was all set to pack a big salad this morning to bring for lunch today. I should have made it last night, because I sit here at work with NO salad and no plan on what to eat for breakfast or lunch. This morning was chaos in my house, and we left 15 minutes late. I think my children figure if they drive me insane I'll let their dad move in with us, but their little evil plan won't work.

Last night I tried to hook up my TV so I could watch Biggest Loser. Our cable won't get turned on until Thursday, so I thought I could get some sort of reception. Funny thing, is I got sound but a snowy picture, so at least I could LISTEN to it! My kids thought I was crazy for watching a fuzzy TV screen. So during this time, I'm also playing with the thermostat. The gas was turned on yesterday, but our house is still COLD. I can't get it over 65 degrees, even with the thermostat set at 80. Is it because it's so cold outside? It was only about 10 degrees last night. So that's why I didn't get my lunch packed last night, because I was too busy trying to fix the damned heater. Yes, it is an excuse (and I hate excuses). I'll do better tonight.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Momentum

I have not been to a WW meeting since November. Although I loosely follow the principles, I have not been OP - counting points, journaling, 8 HG, etc. I have been DYING to find out about the new Momentum program because I've heard it focuses on "filling foods". We have a WW at Work meeting here at my school, but you have to pay for all the meetings up front, and I just haven't had that much cash at one time to join. And now with my schedule being so crazy b/c I have to pick up all the kiddos from school now, I would miss half the meeting anyway by the time I picked up my kids. SO, this morning I was looking through some mail that Clyde brought from my old house, and there was a brochure from WW in there with some coupons. There's one coupon that says "Join for $19". It caught my eye, because I happened to have $20! So when I looked up the available meeting times/locations, they have a meeting on Tuesdays at 5:30, and it says it's the same leader who does the At Work meetings (who I love). So I think I'm gonna go tonight!

WW can get expensive, but it works for me! When I got to meetings, I lose weight - bottom line. I really think I can scrape together $12 a week to go to WW, and now that I'm living back in city limits it's only about 5 minutes away from my house. I've been scraping up cigarette money for Clyde for the past several months (7 x $4 = $28), so I think I can find the money every week ($12) for WW.

Plus I am very interested in changing the food I eat. I really want to get away from processed junk and convenience food, even if it is low in points. I read so many blogs of people who eat clean, wholesome food and it looks so good to me! Exotic and out of my comfort zone, but good! Now that I am in charge of my kitchen and grocery shopping, I can stop buying a lot of junk and replace it with the good stuff.

What do you think?

Freezing cold!

Yesterday we did not have heat. When I got up yesterday morning, it was only about 60 deg. in the house, but I was in a hurry and didn't worry about it. But by the time I got home yesterday afternoon, it was about 50. I played with the thermostat and I couldn't get the heat to come on. Long story short, it's gas heat and I didn't have the gas turned on. The earliest they could come out was 7:30 this morning, so last night was freezing cold! Thankfully I had two radiator/space heaters at the other house, so I put one in each of the children's rooms so they wouldn't be so cold. But I was frozen. It reminded me of the winter I was homeless (when I was 18). But I did lay there and wonder if it's true that you burn more calories when you're cold?

So in order for me to be at the house to get the heat on at 7:30, and get the kids to school and at work by 8 a.m., I had to ask my husband to take the kids to school. I know it was a dice roll, but I needed help. I am supposed to be at work by 7:25 a.m., but had to be there by 8 a.m. because today is the state writing prompt and I'm a proctor. He showed up on time and everything went smoothly.

I truly hope that one day my husband and I can be friends so we can be good parents to our children separately. I would like to be able to lean on him for support when it comes to the kids, and I think he should be there because he is their father. Financial support would be great, too. I still stress about how I'm going to pay these bills by myself. I know I've got a lot of people praying for me, so it will all work out in the end.

TOM is here, so I haven't been peeking at the scale. I take that back - I did look yesterday but it was the same as Friday (which is good). I'm still eating good, and getting a lot of activity with all the moving and unpacking. I figure that by this weekend I can wrap up everything at the old house and be totally out of there. I'm so ready for this move to be over!

I've also decided that I need to go out and have some fun ASAP. I think I deserve it, and it will maybe get me out of this funk I'm in. It's just been so long since I've had any fun or went out, I almost feel guilty about it. Like I don't deserve it. But I know that's the stinkin' thinkin' that has got me where I'm at, and the same ideology I'm trying to escape. But it's still hard. I talked to my BFF and she said that she's off the weekend of 2/14-2/15, so we're going to plan something then. Hopefully I'll be having too much fun to be depressed about being alone on Valentines day. But Clyde never bought me anything for V-day anyway, so I don't know why I'd be sad...

Later!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Clean Slate

Yesterday when I was packing up my food to move from the old house to the new house, I made a decision. I would not be bringing any bad food with me to my new place. I have been "planning" for quite a while to cut down on processed foods. Well, there's no time like the present. I know I am not eating totally "clean", but it is a start. I left a lot of junk that I only buy because my husband likes it. Now that it's just me, I don't need it anymore.

I went to the grocery and did the same thing. I thought my son was going to hyperventilate when I told him I would not be buying cookies or Little Debbie snacks. My husband demands that we have them in the house at all times, and even though I try to buy types that I don't like, they are still tempting when I'm desperate. No more. I shopped for me and my kids. Healthy options, and quick meals that my kids like.

The whole shopping trip reminded me of how I used to grocery shop 5 years ago, when Clyde and I separated the last time. We were separated for almost a year (he left me that time), and during that time I lost about 50 lbs effortlessly. I only ate when I was hungry, and I loved to exercise at the gym. I made good choices when I was at home, because I only had good choices available. I have an opportunity to do that again. I can start with a clean slate.

Moving right along...

I moved this weekend. I am officially on my own and it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. My children love our new house, it's bigger than the other house. I got my furniture moved on Saturday, and now will have to take truckloads to get the rest. I figure I can go every day this week after work and get what I can. I've also made up my mind to throw a lot of stuff away in an attempt to de-clutter my life even further.

Friday night Clyde was not home when we got there, and since he's totally unpredictable, it scared me. I knew he didn't have any money, and all of his pills were gone. I was afraid he might commit suicide, and my daughter was afraid that he was doing drugs again. After talking to my Mom, I made the decision to get the hell out of that house and moved in to the new place ASAP (I signed the lease and got the key Friday after work). My mom called my sister and she said she knew two guys that could help move me, and my mom agreed to let me borrow the money to pay the guys and rent a truck. When Clyde got home at about 10:30 p.m., he was drunk, but docile. I told him I had made arrangements to move the next day, and although he was upset, he was non-threatening.

Saturday morning he was a little more "bothered". He volunteered to go with me to pick up the moving truck, but was pissed off when I told him it was my sister and her friends who were coming to help me move. He hates my sister (probably because they're so much alike). He continued to guilt-trip me until they got there, then he refused to help. My sister could only find one guy to help, so it was me and her and this guy moving all this furniture. He just sat in my daughter's room holding the baby. So when we got to the last two pieces of furniture to go on the truck (my couches), I had the bright idea to move the truck to the front of the house so we wouldn't have to carry them that far. I asked Clyde to move the truck, and the damned thing got stuck in the mud! Was this a sign?

For almost two hours the four of us dug up my yard trying to get this truck out. Finally we gave up hope and I tried to figure out a way to get a tow-truck or something to help us. Problem is - I have no money! So my sister and I left to take my children to my mom's house, and when we got back, there was a man and a white Ford F-350 standing in my driveway. Clyde and the other guy had went in the house, so the man asked if we needed help. Long story short, he hooked a chain onto the back of this 24-ft. truck and pulled it out of the mud! And for free! He just wanted to help. I took this as another sign.

After we got the truck un-stuck, and got the last of the furniture on, my sister announces that her guy has to be somewhere by 6 p.m., and that they've got to go. What the hell! My mom had already paid them $100 each (that I have to repay) for helping me! How the hell was I going to get all this furniture off the truck!? So I asked Clyde and he agreed to help me. It took us twice the time it should, but at 11 p.m. we were finally done. I took him back to "his" house and grabbed enough essentials for me to take a shower at "my" house, and left. When I saw the look of hurt on his face I broke down.

I love this man so much. He has hurt me more than anyone else in this world. I can't take the ups and downs anymore. I pray that eventually the hurt and pain will fade away. I pray that we can BOTH heal (I do believe he is hurting, too). But the bottom line is I don't think my marriage is salvageable. When we first got to "my" new house, Clyde made some smart-ass remark that got a discussion going about why I was doing this. Basically, it boils down to me needing to find a way to start putting ME first, and to find myself again. Somewhere, over the last 10 years, I have lost my identity. I don't know who I am. I have let my husband and my children define me for so long, I don't know who Hollie is anymore. I can vaguely remember a Hollie that used to laugh and have fun, who used to dress up and go out, and who used to be fierce enough that she could stand up to anyone who got in her way. I don't know what happened to that Hollie. She faded away so long ago.

Who knows, I might not ever get back to THAT Hollie, but I pray this journey leads me to find myself and who I want to be now. I don't want to be that Hollie who lets her husband bully her around because she is fearful of what will happen if she stands up for herself. I don't want to be the Hollie who eats to cover up her pain. I don't like that Hollie who hides behind frumpy clothes and who doesn't like to look in the mirror. I don't like the Hollie who yells at her kids because she is so frustrated with life. I don't like that woman.

So this is going to be a process, and it scares me to death. I am scared of living alone. I am scared of how much my heart his hurting for my husband. I am scared of not being able to provide for my children. I am scared of letting myself down. But I know this has to happen. It is part of the journey that I set out on. It won't be easy, but I'm betting my life that the results will be amazing.