Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Being HONEST

Baby steps, right?

Yesterday’s post took a lot out of me. I felt emotionally spent after I posted it, and seriously just wanted to go to the bathroom here at work to cry. Why did writing that make me feel that way? I just didn’t get it.

Thank you for all the comments that were left. So many of you could identify with me, and that made me feel like I wasn’t so alone. But so many of you also said I had taken an important first step. Had I really?

Yes, I think I did.

For the last 3 – 4 weeks, I have felt changes taking place inside my brain. Stepping out of the “diet” mentality is a stretch for me. I have been on one diet or another since I was in 2nd grade, so to suddenly deciding that I was DONE felt like I was doing something wrong. I know that eating healthy and trying to move more is GOOD, but it just didn’t feel like enough. Not having a PLAN other than healthy food, walking, and tracking takes me out of my comfort zone.

I didn’t feel changes on the inside because I had not really changed anything on the inside. I was still sneaking bad food into my body. Whether it’s a visit to the vending machine at work, or a stash of ice cream and Raisinettes at home, I KNOW I am still not being true to my journey. I am allowing my addiction to rule me, and that knowledge f*cks with me, even if no one else knows what I am doing. I hide it because I don’t want to admit that I am a failure. Not even to myself. But I know…

Last night, I made myself write everything I ate for the day in my food journal. Bad or good – my goal is to be accountable, right? After writing everything down, I figured out WHY I always skip writing down the bad days of eating. Because by writing it down, I am ADMITTING that I actually ate all that crap! The proof is in black and white. And it’s ugly.

Because I don’t really have anyone in real life to keep me accountable in this journey – I am going to share what I ate with YOU. (Right now I just got so nervous I think I might get sick… I hate disappointing YOU more than I hate disappointing myself. But I need to do this… I need to be honest. Maybe this is the second step?)

Monday, April 26, 2010

Smoothie (2 c. spinach, 1 scoop protein powder, 1 tbs flaxseed oil, 4 frozen strawberries, ¾ c. frozen blueberries, 1 c. water)
3 – 6 oz. cups of coffee with sugar free creamer
½ c. granola
butter croissant w/ goat cheese and jalepeno jelly
1 oz. reduced fat Monterey Jack cheese
1 c. grapes
1 slice sourdough bread w/ goat cheese spread on top
1 c. bbq shredded chicken
2 slices of sourdough bread
1 tbs. bbq sauce
hot dog bun
beef hot dog
sweet potato fries
large bowl of butter pecan ice cream
sprite
1 movie-theatre sized box of raisinettes
lemonade

Everything in italics is stuff I ate when I got HOME yesterday. I think I started out well, but I failed miserably by the end of the day. Don’t ask me how that sourdough bread and ice cream appeared in my house. Don’t ask me why I chose to have a hot dog AFTER I HAD ALREADY EATEN THE BBQ CHICKEN. I was not hungry. I just WANTED IT. I felt bad, I was depressed, and I was emotional.

Sadly, this is what happens when I face emotional things in my life. I eat my way through the emotions. I numb the pain with food, even when food is causing the pain!

After reading and re-reading my blog post from yesterday, I have made a decision.

The binging has to stop. Now.

I know better, so I must do better.

Lyn wrote a post a while back where she identified a trigger food. Her trigger food is fried potatoes. She has realized that no matter what, she has to avoid fried potatoes. When I read that post, I knew that my trigger foods were candy and donuts. There is just no way I can eat candy or donuts in moderation. No matter how good I am doing on any weight loss plan, one TASTE of candy or donuts can knock me right off track. Hell, even SMELLING donuts in Wal-mart has made me nearly have an in-store meltdown before!

So, when I get home, I am throwing away the “secret” stash of ice cream in my freezer. I publicly SWEAR that I will not buy candy, donuts, or ice cream for an indefinite amount of time. These three foods are officially off limits because they cause me to binge, and I have decided that I am going to try to beat this. Seriously. Honestly. For good.

Yesterday, I publicly listed the REASONS I am fat. But these reasons are not EXCUSES. Yes, I have walked a tough road. I have an addiction to food and past traumas that have led to my obesity. But I now KNOW BETTER. I have the KNOWLEDGE and the ABILITY to change myself. I just have to start BELIEVING in me! I have to believe that I am worth it. That is where I am at today.

I think that I have been taking baby steps that have led me to this point. Over the past few years, I have slowly gained the tools and the knowledge to improve my health. Now I just have to put that knowledge to use, and believe that I am worth the hard work and effort it will take to JUST DO IT.

19 comments:

Corletta said...

Hollie,
I think that you are doing a great job. When I saw that list I thought, "It's listed in a way that makes it seem like you've eaten more than you really did." You know..the hot dog, then the bun. Girl..that's a given! I think you are doing a great job with the self reflection. As a therapist, I know that that is the first step in change. Also, you MUST realize, just because you fail a day or two or three, that does not make you a failure. You are a human being who is on the journey to health. There are obstacles in the road. No more of this failure talk...you hear me?!?!? Hollie is NOT a failure...just someone who has made some bad decisions...like the rest of us!

Angie said...

YOU CAN DO!!! Figuring out what your trigger foods are and getting them out of the house is such a huge step in the right direction.

biz319 said...

Just sending hugs your way Hollie! I used to be an emotional eater until I met my husband. It's weird - I had no problem eating a whole frozen pizza after my daughter went to bed!

But I think I replaced talking to my husband with food and that made all the difference! If you ever need to talk on the side, I'll be there for you!

bdl319@gmail.com

You are beautiful!

Rhea said...

Hollie, reading your posts is like looking in a mirror. That's exactly the problem I have with keeping track of the food I eat. I haven't written in my journal for a few days and am feeling very guilty about it. But on the bright side, I can pass the Raisinettes in the grocery store without even a glance. Baby steps, indeed! :)

bbubblyb said...

It is tough Hollie and it is about thinking you're worth it and about just doing it. You will fall down (I sure still do sometimes) but as long as you keep getting back up you'll be where you want to be eventually. For me it was about banning foods from the house and having "work rules" for myself so I wouldn't let temptation get to me at the office. You can do this!!! Hugs

Certifiably Fit said...

Getting rid of your secret stash and not bringing that stuff back in the house is an excellent idea.

I struggled with binge eating like you describe for a very long time. Hell there are still days where that urge resurfaces. Once I stopped keeping crap in the house I was able to work on developing the coping skills needed to manage the binge eating. Now my partner can keep things in the house that used to be trigger foods for me and I am able to keep myself from eating it. It's a long journey to get to a place where you stop letting food control you but it is totally worth it!

Keep your chin up & keep up the good work!

Oh and thanks for the comment on my blog. If you have questions about getting started let me know.

Jenn said...

Good for you! I have a trigger food - cookies. My goodness, one cookie sends me into a tizzy! So - NO cookies in my house.
I think you also need to eat more during the day - add some more to your breakfast especially. I think if you add a bit more to your day, you'll find you're not looking for food so much at night. JMHO!

mbm1forever said...

Hollie, Great job on the accountability. Take a look at my blog and you will see that I needed to do the very same thing. No excuses, just the truth. Sometimes it hurts and yeah, who are we really kidding here? Certainly not ourselves. Feeling guilty just gets us right where we started and on the road to reckless eating. We know what we need to do. I am sorry you are struggling, but I do believe that with this pain, there is a lot of learning. BTW, got your package. I really appreciate it. I will be sending something your way too. Anyway, hang in there kiddo. You can do this. I know you can. You have inside you what you need to do!

Debbie said...

Okay, you can do this. Its great that you are honest about what you have eaten. That is the first step. Just because you had a set back today, does not mean you will fail tomorrow. It is another day. Hugs to you

Sylvia said...

Hollie,

You are NOT alone! Reading this post I kept nodding my head and I knew that I was in the exact same boat. When I have a bad day or eat something I should not, I ignore it and act like I never ate it at all.

My weak point is bread. The yummy, crusty, fragrant bread. Not the one that comes in the plastic bag but the yummy one...you know which one I'm talking about? :)

I commit to stopping the binge here and now as well. I'm going to be there right beside you as I own up to what I'm doing. No more wondering "Hmmm, why the heck did I just gain two pounds?". I know the answers and I'm going to recognize the reasons.

Thanks for paving the way and coming out truthfully. You are much braver than I am. Know that you made a difference in someones life today. :)

M said...

As a mom of twin toddlers, I find myself going a little crazy and stressed at times. Yes, I get to stay at home, but there's more work at home than at a real job. I've been trying to make sure I take some time out for myself- going out for a run or having a girl's night out once a month. Maybe that can help you. Take care.

Prairie Mother said...

When I started I skipped writing the bad food too :( Trigger foods for me is chocolate anything!! I'm proud of you for being so honest and being accountable for yourself...you are the only one who can!! Keep it up!!

Lyn said...

Oh Hollie I am so proud of you! I feel like we're friends even though we've never met, and you sound SO strong in this post! I really am excited for you.

Getting rid of The Trigger is a huge deal. It will make it easier for you NOT to binge anymore. Way to go :)

liz said...

I'm slowing learning my triger foods sweet creamy chocolate and some chips decided none in my house. Need to start tracking... good job being honest. Denial keeps us fat!

Greta from www.bigbottomblogger.blogspot.com said...

Hollie...I think you need to add 40 or so grams of protein to your lunch..and 40 grams at dinner (at least). It will make your after work eating/cravings MUCH better. Your body MUST have the amino acids fro protein or it short-cicuits and it demands bad stuff. (Ge the book "the diet cure" by Julia Ross from the library.....goes into TONS of details of the hows and why)

Getting the food out of the house is important, but it is not enough...there will always be bad food wherever you sre. You need to nourish your body with the right foods..then it will not crave the bad stuff. Protein at each meal is a biggie!! Then....ditching the refined carbs (like the croissant...try doing a high fiber whole wheat instead...with some meat along with the cheese...it makes a difference!!)

YOU CAN DO THIS...and if you fuel your body correctly a LOT of your challenges will go away. Ditto for the kids. They need protein, too...esp when they are growing.

Try to make 75% of what you eat protein, veggies, fruit...and 25% the "other stuff". And try to be sure the "Other stuff" is whole grain carbs...not white flour or white rice or white sugar. There is TONS of yummy wholesome food out there to eat....and eating it will help you keep in control of you cravings and your emotions. I promise!

Jennifer said...

Great job putting it all out there. I think that is a huge step. When I used to do WW if I had a bad day the journaling stopped as soon as I ate something bad. And it is so great to see you continue your tracking and being honest with yourself. You wrote something that hit home for me...I know better and I have the knowledge. Now it is up to us to make it happen.

Jennifer

http://wecanlosethepounds.blogspot.com/

Sandy said...

Thank you for being honest about your binging, that takes a huge amount of courage! I'm in the same boat and it steers me in the right direction about what i need to do to fight this addiction. Keep it up Hollie,you can do this!

Sherazade96 said...

Keep doing your food journal, and post it EVERY DAY here on your blog for accountability's sake. You're doing terrific!

Dani said...

While looking at your list of things you ate, I have to say my first reaction was... Oh my God there is someone else out there who knows what that's like... I look forward to continuing to read your blog :)

Thank you for your honesty.