Monday, April 26, 2010

Reasons why I am fat + Goals update

Reasons why I am fat:

1.    I grew up eating poorly. My childhood diet consisted of Cheetos and Pepsi. No water, no veggies, no balanced meals. It has taken a long time to get to a point where I am today. I STILL don’t like most vegetables, and it is still a challenge for me to eat clean and healthy foods over processed junk.
2.    I started binge-eating when I was very small (maybe 4 -5). Growing up being physically and emotionally abused, I think I used binging as a way to “numb” and “comfort” myself. Curling up with a HUGE bowl of cereal was (and sometimes still is) one of my favorite hobbies. I still struggle with binge-eating. And it still makes me feel like sh*t.
3.    I have poor self-esteem. I never feel 100% about myself or my appearance. I grew up being told that I was second-best. My sister was always the prettiest and the smartest. I was always fat and ugly. I could never do ANYTHING right. Anytime I was complimented on my appearance, it was always in addition to or in spite of being fat… “You are so pretty to be a big girl!” or “You would be so pretty if you lost weight.”
4.    I am too comfortable with my fatness. This is the way I have always been. It (so far) is just a part of who I am. I have NO IDEA what it would be like to be thin. It’s hard to strive to be something that is so unknown to you.
5.    I am lazy. Eating right and exercises are hard work. Sometimes I just can’t get the energy or effort to JUST DO IT. Sitting on the couch is easy.
6.    Deep down, I don’t think I am worth it. Maybe this has to do with the self-esteem issues, but I am always the last person on my priority list. If it’s for my kids, I will do it. But for me? Not so much… 
7.    I have too much on my plate (literally and figuratively, lol). I have three children that I currently raise alone. I work full-time and go to school full-time. All three children play soccer, and I try to allow them to participate in any extracurricular activities they choose. Sometimes there just isn’t enough hours in the day… I am tired.
8.    I love food. I am happy when I can eat what I want. I love having a great meal that tastes wonderful!
9.    I am addicted to food. I use food when I want to get “high”. I use it to celebrate. I use it when I am sad or angry. Sometimes I hate myself because I can’t stop eating when I am supposed to. Why can’t I stop at one portion? Why can’t I stop when I am full? Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I beat this?
10.    I am not consistent. I, admittedly, am guilty of NEVER following through with my weight-loss goals. I can do well for a short time, but I always get distracted and I always get off track. It’s either all or nothing for me. I never feel like I can get past a day that is not 100% on track. One meal, one BITE that’s not on plan means I have FAILED for that day. Mentally, I just can’t get past that.

So what does all this mean? I don’t know. Just typing this out (and I guess the act of being honest with myself) just makes me want to cry. I feel very sad right now. Very defeated.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to weight loss. I just can’t make it “click” this time.

But right now, I am just REALLY trying my best to take small steps and to STICK WITH THEM.


****************************

Goals:

My family and I are still eating healthy food. This weekend went well. I allowed everyone to choose a treat on Friday (which is the day we decided to have “treat day”). The kids were happy with their treat, and I think it is ok to allow them a splurge each week. Like I’ve said before, Rome wasn’t built in a day. As long as we are eating healthy 80% of the time, I think we are making strides. I am still packing lunches, which takes up time but is worth it.

I didn’t walk as much as I would have liked last week… only three days, 105 minutes. The weather has been yucky again. But I will not quit! I will keep working toward my goal and will try to walk every day until it becomes a habit!

I am also still working on tracking my food. I did well Thursday, and didn’t get past breakfast on Friday! Damn!

So far I have tracked everything today. I don’t have the calories written in, but that’s ok. Right now, I am just trying to get into the habit of writing everything down. The calorie-counting part will come later.

So for this week, in addition to making healthy food choices for me and my family I will continue to work on:

1.    Exercise – walking 5 days for at least 30 minutes each time.
2.    Tracking – tracking everything I eat this week.

Even though my mind tells me to add extra goals, I am making myself hold off until I can get a handle on these. I know how I am – I want to do everything NOW. I am impatient. I want everything to be perfect. But I know what that leads to every time – failure. I get overwhelmed, and then I fall off the wagon. I swear I am trying to stop the old patterns.

I don’t care if it takes me YEARS to lose all this weight. I will not quit.

23 comments:

Jane said...

Hollie,

Your story is so similar to mine, and what happens in childhood creates habits and feelings about ourselves that can be difficult to overcome. But you have taken some very definite steps toward better health for you and your family, so be proud of yourself for that. I also think you are wise to hold off on additional goals right now. I am just starting a weight loss program after many, many years of yo-yo loss and gain. Weight loss isn't a piece of cake (no pun intended). Hang in there--you're working on it!

Prairie Mother said...

It's great that you are getting all of this out and admitting all the reasons to yourself! Everyone has down days; don't give up! You have a great attitude...you are an inspiration to me! I'm pulling for you!

Certifiably Fit said...

Interesting list of your reasons. It is an important step to identify those when on a journey to better health.

Keep fighting that urge to add too many goals all at once. If you want some info on setting SMART goals check out my blog post from today.

Prairie Mother said...

It's great that you are getting all of this out and admitting all the reasons to yourself! Everyone has down days; don't give up! You have a great attitude...you are an inspiration to me! I'm pulling for you!

Sherazade96 said...

Hi Hollie! You sound just like me! The steps that you took today are so important to your journey. You cannot move forwards unless you understand the behavioral patterns that hold you back. You have a very clear understanding of the things that have gotten you to this point. Now, use this self-realization as a launching-off-point, not as a lead weight to hold you back.

Also, you should try to come up with concrete strategies for beating these "pitfalls" that you laid out today. When you are feeling lonely or unloved, what actions are you going to take INSTEAD of heading towards the tub of ice cream? If you come up with strategies now, it might help with the emotional flood occurs in the future.

Food journaling is such a great tool to use. I have been food journaling for 10+ years! I actually just posted a few weeks of food journals online if you would like to take a look: http://www.phoenixrevolution.net/?p=61.

Good luck with your journey. You can do this, I know you can.

Blossom said...

Just remember, you are actually GORGEOUS and you look so young (especially in your FB picture). It takes time to break these bad habits. You've come so far.

Mad Woman said...

One of the biggest things to realise in this journey is how we got there and why. So this post is HUGE! Many of the points on the list are things that I have come to realise about myself recently and it's truly been a breakthrough.

You're doing really well, getting your family eating healthy and doing stuff for yourself. Way to go!

Angie said...

Seriously reading your blog is like hearing myself through someone else. I feel exactly like you do...I try to do everything at once and always seem to fail.
Sounds like you are on the right track with picking only certain things to work on and master those better more onto other things.
Hang in there and keeping moving!

liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lynn Haraldson-Bering said...

Oh to have my head as straight as yours, Hollie. From where you've come and to where you're going, your journey is far more profound than mine. That's why you inspire me (an often used word, but I really mean it). I don't know if I could ever be as honest and raw as you. Thank you for doing it, though. L

Corletta said...

You are amazing! It takes a really courageous person to post all the of the reasons they often fail. You know what that tells me? You will succeed. Hang in there. Rome was not built overnight :)
p.s. How dare people say such hateful things about you while trying to mask it as a compliment. UGH...people get on my nerves

Jenn said...

Thinking about the reasons why you gained weight are important, because they can help you see what habits need to be changed in order to lose weight.
BUT - don't dwell on them, you know? Look toward the future, make specific goals (which you're doing), and like you said - never give up! After a while you'll have a brand new list of all the things you do that helped you LOSE weight!

veryanniemary said...

1. Don’t do this to your kids! You should take them to the store and let them loose in the fresh produce dept. Let them chose a fruit and a vegetable – take them home and try them.
2. Make sure your kids have other rewards, new nail varnish, an extra long shower/bubble bath etc.
3. You are the only person who is with you for every single second of your life – the one person you will never get away from – don’t you think you should make friends?
4. I have been fat, I have been skinny – you are the same person – just happier !
5. Do some couch exercises then…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fU_8kJeXeE
6. Being the very best you can be – is doing it for your kids…they will learn that lesson by watching you.
7. 8.9.and 10. I have run out of steam and have nothing helpful – except you have to stop beating yourself up – positive affirmation not negative blame!

Keep going Hollie, we are cheering for you.

Results Not Typical Girl said...

Congratulations on enjoying the race rather than be obsessed with the sprint! I am a month-long blogger and am finding that like food-tracking, writing my blog adds an extra layer of accountability. That and I get to write about things that amuse myself. ;) Thanks for the motivation and wonderful words. You rock. - Kirsten

Rusti said...

Hollie, I totally agree with you on your number 4. I have always been the big girl. I worry about how different it will be to be a normal sized woman in society. I wonder if my personality will change with my weight loss and if it does will it be good or bad. These things keep me from reaching my goals, I am truly, TRULY scared of how I (my soul and the me deep down) will change as I lose the weight. I need to lose at least 145 lbs to be in the normal category for health standards... and im scared of how i will look act and be. I completely understand what you are saying.
Wishing you encouragement and blessings in your journey,
sincerely,
Rustiann

Kelly @ Structure House said...

You are worth it! Just keep taking it one day at a time as you have been doing. If I were to focus on every little thing I did "wrong" and carry that from one day to the next I would never take any steps forward. You are strong and have already made great progress...keep that in mind as you head toward the next obstacle. Keep going!

=D said...

Just remember- baby steps! Making more good choices than bad choices is a success and it sounds like you are making lots of great choices for you and your family!

Greta from www.bigbottomblogger.blogspot.com said...

You are getting to the heart of the matter....and that is really important! Understanding the how and why of weight gain is essential if you plan to undo those past patterns. So..HOORAY! Nothing magical will happen overnight..but taking it one day at a time and one good choice at a time will work wonders. You can still celebrate with food..just make it healthy food! Treats are fine...just choose a 100 calorie fudgesicle instead of a 1000 calorie bag of chips.

Even though you did not eat well as a child......you CAN eat well now. You ARE worth it. You ARE beautiful..inside and out. And...you DO deserve good healthy food and exercise.

The #1 thing this past year that has boosted my confidence and helped my journey has been working with weights. HUGE difference in how I felt, how I looked, how I coped with stress. Just 15-20 minutes a day with weights can make a big difference very quickly. I hope you can figure out a way to add some strength training into your week.

Sandy said...

Reading your post is like you being in my head...the "all or nothing" and feelings of failure...but you are sooooo on the right path! One step at a time! Keep on doing what you're doing and don't give up! Hang in there Hollie!

Jules said...

Great list...Similar story as many have commented...poor self-esteem, eating poorly in childhood, numbing and comfort from adults that didn't treat us well......and all the others... i think it is a habit to race and run and take on SO MUCH and then get so tired...one step at a time..do the best you can everyday...

Thanks for sharing all those things.

Skye said...

Oh My God!!! I literally had the chills as I was reading your list! With the exception of #8, it was like I was literally reading about myself! Are you sure you didn't step into my head to write that list!?! My goodness!!!

Hollie, you are certainly headed in the right direction and I wish you nothing but the best. You are doing a fantastic job! Thank you so much for inspiring me!

Mishe@EatingJourney said...

I think writing those things out is the first step in overcoming. Good on your for doing that. I can and could write all that you have written.

You're moving mountains lady..keep up the great work!

M

Rhea said...

Hi Hollie! I can identify with most of your list, the main exception being that I did grow up with healthier foods. It was only in my early teens, when I started to have control over what I ate, that my weight gains started. Coming to terms with the reasons I've allowed myself to gain have been hard but necessary. I'm still struggling to really get going with my weight loss journey but knowing other people feel the same really helps. I wish you all the best!