Monday, May 3, 2010

Mirror, mirror


Wow... it's been a CRAZY weekend. I am sure most of you have heard about the record-breaking rain and flooding in Tennessee. Our area has received almost 14 inches of rain in two days! We have basically been flooded-in since Saturday morning. Schools were closed today because our town (and most of Middle TN) is under water. We are blessed, and our home was fine. The roads around our house were really bad, though. I got out for about 30 minutes Sunday morning to go to the grocery store because there was a brief pause in the rain. I am glad I did... I barely got home beforethe bottom fell out and the flooding started again. The picture above is less than a mile from my house.


Friday, I had a really ROUGH day. It started with an incident at work, and pretty much went down hill from there. Because of the incident at school (that I can't discuss because it involves a student), the teacher I work with and I were given permission to go out to lunch to "get away" from the building. The rest of the teachers/staff at the school had got to go out to lunch for "Spring Fling"earlier in the week, but since we work in Alternative, we were unable to go until then.

Remember how I'd already packed my lunch and tallied my calories for the day? Um, yeah. Well, I thought I could actually GO to lunch, so I could get some fresh air (Friday was BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE), and just sip on a diet coke, or get a salad. I had already eat the lunch I'd packed.

We get to the restaurant, and we were seated in the outside patio area. I sat down at the table, looked to my left, and saw the reflection of a GROSS, FAT, DISGUSTING woman staring back at me. There, in a window, was MY reflection. I was so shocked, I almost started crying. Right now, just typing this, makes me sick to my stomach again. The reflection was me, and at that moment, I hated myself.

In my mind, I am NOT disgusting. In my mind I am not that fat. When I am eating healthy food and exercising, I FEEL thin. I never really feel like I am morbidly obese. I feel average, and sometimes even pretty.

As hard as it was for me, I kept glancing at my reflection and I hated what kept looking back at me. A fat, disgusting mess of a woman who had just let herself go. I was so disappointed, so hurt, and so sad that I just wanted to crawl into a hole and starve myself until I looked like a decent-sized human being.

Now I know why I avoid mirrors.

Needless to say, it ruined my day. And probably my weekend...

Because of the rain, and being stuck in the house, I have been allowed to wallow in my depression and negative-self-worth for two days. It has been dark and gloomy and my mood has matched. I haven't been eating bad because I am still striving to feed my kids healthy food, and there is still no junk in the house. But I have been so down over it. Sorry, but that's just the truth.

Sometimes I feel like my efforts at losing weight are just hopeless. I am just too fat, and there is no way I acn beat this. Why even try?

But there is something in me that won't allow me to give up. I just can't do it.

I woke up to sunshine and blue skies this morning. I am going to venture out in a little while to take a long walk and see if that won't help clear the cobwebs in my head.

Sorry for the debbie-downer post - but this is my reality today. This is a part of my journey, unfortunately...

And I also know about positive affirmations and how I need to stop the negative self-talk. It's just not happening at this point. I am working on it, though.

18 comments:

Blossom said...

I have been where you are, many times. It could be the wake up call you need. It's not all you are, though. And you are making positive changes for your family as well. Don't give up...tomorrow will be a better day.

ChristineKingery said...

I really want to say that when you lose a bunch of weight that these downer self-image days go away. But they don't. I've lost 75 pounds and this morning I looked in the mirror and went, "Jesus, am I really STILL that fat?" I got really depressed over it, too. It's hard to look at yourself and be objective...EVER. This will not change, now matter how much weight you lose. My personal opinion is that you need to learn two things from this situation: (1) Learn to channel this negative energy into the energy to make positive change in your life. See this as a "starting-off" point with nowhere to go but better from here! And (2) Learn to recognize when your brain is having irrational thoughts. Are you really that disgusting person you saw in the mirror! No! For starters, there is much more to you than a simple reflection. It's unfair to yourself to pigeon-hole yourself in such a way. Instead, recognize that your thought pattern is irrational and place that thought in its appropriate category in your brain.

I don't think that people like you and me can ever truly eliminate these thoughts, but we can learn to channel these thoughts for our own good.

I hope today goes a little better for you!

Sandy said...

You are allowed to have downer days Hollie, we can't be upbeat 24/7. But just remember how courageous you are! Sharing yourself, the good and the bad, with complete strangers, putting yourself out there...that is amazing! You have strength within you...don't give up!

4athomej said...

I think the negative thinking is the hardest part of losing weight and takes even longer then losing the weight. One positive thought a day is the way I play it...just ONE:)

bbubblyb said...

Hollie, we all have days like this. I some days look in the mirror and feel pretty and some days I don't. Hopefully the sunshine will bring brighter days for you. For the record, you are VERY beautiful. *hugs my friend*

Certifiably Fit said...

Like others have said we all have days where we feel down. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.

M said...

I'm sorry you had a bad day at school. I hope everything works out.

T&T said...

Its awful isn't it?!!

But you need to focus on the good. You are trying, you are teaching your children good eating habits.
One step at a time.


*Taffie

Jules said...

I agree with EVERYTHING everyone up there said. And I so know how you feel. BUT i want to point out a total VICTORY and focus on that in my comment.

OMG GIRL!! You've been depressed and down, holed up in your house AND you've stayed on your healthy eating lifestyle!! HOLY CRAP!! GIRL!! YOU WENT TO THE STORE and stayed on your healthy journey!! HOLLIE!! You are 1 courageous woman!! Because we all do have those days, but do you realize the victory in what you accomplished, no crappy food in your weekend!! Oh me oh my, i'm singing for you because goodness knows, I've yet to find the courage to be depressed and put down the cookies all at the same time. So I celebrate YOU today and hope you realize how HUGE a defeat that was!! I'm proud of you. hopefully the sunshine will help lift your spirits. you've certainly helped me feel like today, I won't go eat any sweets today. if you can do it... I can do it. :) Keep on keeping on lady! :)

Shelley said...

Hey Hollie - I just wanted to let you know that I've had those shocking moments in mirrors and windows, too. Hang in there - you are doing good things for your body and the changes will start showing. Hugs to you, my friend.

Jenny said...

Most bloggers are not as honest as you have been. It is refreshing to see some one share, just what I am feeling.

Vio at www.vislosingit.blogspot.com said...

Hollie, I find when I see myself and the negative mental junk starts flowing through mind, to say, "Yep, you are fat, but you are working hard and eating right, and someday you won't be. It may take 2 years or it may take 10, but it will happen." Focus on the healthy, not the fat :) You are beautiful :)

*and if this comment made no sense, judge me not, I haven't even finished my first coffee yet :)

Diane said...

This journey to healthy is a really tough one. We all have days where we look in the mirror and don't like the reflection looking back at us. But you keep trying and keep making changes to get to a healthier you. Right there you are way ahead of a lot of other people who are discouraged by their reflections. Keep up the good work. Even if it's hard to stay on track all the time, the times that you are on track are doing your body and your mind a world of good!
BTW, you are a very beautiful woman! Don't let your own head tell you otherwise. :-)

Joy said...

Hi Hollie, Fix your eyes on the goal, stay focused! Make sensible, healthy decisions and don't let anything or anyone bump you off of the goal. You are inspiring many, you are making a difference!! Sending you a ton of hugs today!

Joy said...

Hi Hollie, Fix your eyes on the goal, stay focused! Make sensible, healthy decisions and don't let anything or anyone bump you off of the goal. You are inspiring many, you are making a difference!! Sending you a ton of hugs today!

KisMJ said...

Good Lord those flood pictures are surreal. I remember driving home in something similar to that on February 3, 2006. It took me 2½ hours to get home from work, which was normally a 12 minute drive. (ô¿ô) Yikes!

I wanted to let you know how proud I am that you are my friend and that you got through this ordeal without bingeing. That is a HUGE deal and I'm going to "ditto" Jules on what she wrote. WOW, what an accomplishment!!! (((HUGS)))

Now for the "Mirror, Mirror" ... I feel the pain you talked about!!! I went to the Vision Works to get my eyes examined and in the waiting room there is mirrors up toward the top of the wall near the ceiling. I lôôked up and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what I really looked like. The heartache I felt when I realized what overeating had done to me. I thought to myself, "God, is that really me?" Held in the tears until I left then cried all the way home! :`(

When I read your post I was in tears reading it because the pain I felt the day I looked up and saw myself in that mirror came back to me instantly. Please know that you are not alone. I share the pain with you. Also, no matter what your size is -- YOU are gorgeous!!!

Hugs,
MJ

Mary :: A Merry Life said...

Ah, we had really, really similar weekends. :( But it will get better.

I was worried about you guys in Nashville. Glad to hear your house is fine! The rest of the city is such a mess. :(

LJ said...

Hello,

Try going to this website. www.buffmother.com. She has a diet that works with your hormones. I have personally lost 7.5lbs in 4wks by doing this. I had been struggling at the same weight for months. I also started exercising more and have lost 2in in my waist as well. I have tried many diets. I have binged to the point of feeling sick. I have given up most diets in a week or two. This is the first diet that I have been on that I feel like I can do for life. Oh ya, I craved chocolate today, but I just had a little, and moved on. Also try posting everything you eat & your exercise on your blog. I email my sister-in-law daily and I find it really helps me be accountable. Hope this helps any.

The Lord bless you,
Linda