Monday, May 31, 2010

Significant

Something significant happened today. Well, I think it's been building for about a week now.

I went to a cookout for Memorial Day. I did not overeat. I had a hot dog (beef, no nitrates) and was about to eat a burger, but only ate about 1/3 before I put it down. I was full. Now, let me tell ya - my bff makes burgers that are out of this world. And I still put it down. I didn't have sides either. There was potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans, etc. I didn't have any. I think the change in my mentality is significant.

I am do excited about the sugar detox that starts tomorrow. I have been just waiting for Memorial Day to pass by so I could eat what I wanted. Who knew that I wouldn't even want to eat like a mad woman? As a matter of fact, I have been eating well for at least four days. I feel good. I feel energized. I feel like I am in a good place.

And there is even stress still! My life is still crazy - but I am now making the CHOICE to take control. It really is a choice, you know. I can choose to be in control of my actions, or I can let the stress be an excuse.

HELLO... The stress will always creep up. It can not be an excuse to be bad to my body and to destroy my health.

My JUNE top TEN:

1. No refined sugar.
2. No packaged food with over 5 grams of sugar. (I got this idea from Yum Yucky.)
3. Fruit is allowed.
4. No alcohol.
5. No more than one 12-oz diet soda daily.
6. Limit artificial sweeteners.
7. No fast food.
8. 150 oz. of water per day (approx. 1/2 my body weight in oz.).
9. Back to the gym! I am shooting for 5 days/week of SOME TYPE OF EXERCISE.
10. Limit processed food.

This list is DO-ABLE! I will also be tracking and counting points/calories along the way to make sure I am within guidelines to lose weight. I will weigh in in the morning, and the scale is going on vacation until July 1. The last thing I need is for the scale to play with my mind during this time.

My #1 goal for June is to get back into good habits that will be good for my body. I know that sugar is toxic for me, and it leads to cravings and binges. It's a habit I've kicked before, so I know I can do this again. It's necessary. I have to do this for me.

I am so ready for change!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Finally... time off!

Today is my offical first day of summer...

I got to sleep in (until 7 a.m., lol) and had my lawn mowed by noon! I am thinking about grilling for dinner tonight, so I wanted to get it done. It's been a while since I mowed the yard myself and it kicked my butt! In a little over an hour, I burned over 1000 calories! My body is so SORE right now!

Here is a pic from Friday night. I went to a birthday party for a friend, and one of my old friends from college came to surprise ME for my birthday! We had so much fun - it was so good to see her. She just moved back to this area, so we MUST keep in touch!

I am getting excited about the upcoming sugar detox. In the past, I would be binging on anything sweet because "I can't have it anymore." But over the past several days, I have found myself not even wanting sugar! I am CHOOSING to limit my sugar now, and I think it will help the detox. I am also drinking more water.

I also don't have any major food plans for Memorial Day. I will grill, but nothing more/less than I would do for a regular dinner. No dessert planned. And I feel good about it.

Tomorrow, I join the gym! It's time to get my butt in motion and use this time off to concentrate on ME.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I can do anything.

Yesterday was my 34th birthday. I am officially in my “mid-thirties”, lol. But I’m okay with that! Older and hopefully wiser!

Diane (The Incredible Shrinking Family) left a comment on my Facebook page yesterday, where she said, “This is your year.”

So many people think of the beginning of one’s year being January 1. But Diane’s right – our “year” should begin with the day we are born! I appreciate her saying that, because it really made me think.

This is my year.

I have been struggling for a long time.
Struggling in my childhood.
Struggling as a single mom.
Struggling in my marriage.
Struggling with abuse.
Struggling with weight loss.
Struggling with finances.
Struggling with school.
Struggling with my job.
Struggling as a single parent (again).
Struggling with self-esteem.
Struggling with friendships.
Struggling.

Finally, finally… I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. After 15+ years of school (on and off) I am now certified to teach. I now have a teaching job doing what I’ve been wanting to do for such a long time, Special Education.

I was talking to the ex the other night, and he was telling me how proud he was of my getting my new job. He knows (and acknowledged) how hard I’ve worked to get here. But he said something that really made me think.

“You have now proven you can do anything you set your mind to. You have your dream job. The only other thing I know you’ve worked this hard on is your weight loss. Just imagine, Hollie, if you got down to your weight goal, too. You can do it, you know. That would be so great for you.”

My ex is a lot of things – asshole being the first word that comes to mind.

But he knows me. He knows how much I really want to lose this weight.

Now is my time. This is going to by MY year. I feel it.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Making time for ME!

Over the past few days, I have been juggling about 100 balls in the air. I am almost at the end of my rope... literally. But Saturday at 12 noon will officially be the end of our school year. That means I am OFF until June 7! I am almost done with my plans for summer school, so now I just need to catch up on my coursework for my Master's program. Whew!

I have made several decsions about this summer that will hopefully help me get on track for the summer:

1. I am re-joining the gym. This will serve two purposes: to get back into a fitness routine and for my family to have pool access for the summer. It is getting HOT in Tennessee, so a gym membership will allow me to exercise no matter how hot it gets. Last summer, it worked out really well. I would exercise for an hour or so while the kids were in childcare, then we would all change into swim clothes and we would go swimming.

2. I am going to get back into clean eating for myself and the kids. We have been slacking off for the past two weeks. I've been letting fast food creep back in, which has to stop now. We are still not bringing the bad stuff in the house in grocery form, so we have not completely reverted back to our old ways. But I want to get a grip before my kids get too used to eating bad stuff again.

3. Starting June 1 I am going to detox from sugar again. I have been weaning myself off sodas since Friday. I drank my last one with dinner last night. So now, it's time to get rid of sugar. I have done it once, I know I can do it again. My body doesn't like sugar, so I need to kick the habit.

I am waiting until June 1 because I know I will be at home, in a controlled environment. There will be no excuses, like running late for work or being in a hurry. We were planning a trip to Florida for the week, but I cancelled it last night. I need a week for ME. I need a week to relax and just have some peace and quiet at home before summer school begins. I know my kids were disappointed, but they will get over it.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Time out!

Wow... Tuesday was my last update? Time flies, right?

Last week was overwhelming. With the news of the new job came a plethora of things to do. For those who haven't been following for a while, I have been in school trying to get my teacher's license. I am also working on my Master's in Education. I just completed all the classes I needed for the licensing requirement, I decided to try to get what they call a Transitional license that would allow me to waive my student teaching requirement. I am a single mom of three... I can't take off work for several months to student teach. The odds were good that I could get hired in a larger, Metropolitan school district. But I really wanted to stay in the small district where I live and where my kids already go to school. So when I got this job, I was ecstatic! I was exactly WHERE I wanted to be, doing exactly what I wanted to do. I will be teaching 2nd grade special education.

It is also awesome that I know the teacher who I am replacing. She was my son's teacher for 1st and 2nd grade! She is one of the people who encouraged me to go back to school for my degree in Special Education... ironic, right? She is moving to a different school in our district, and has offered to help me in any way she can. I got to see my new classroom on Wednesday. The teachers I will be working with all seem very supportive and I think they will be great to work with.

So that, on top of that, I am also preparing to teach summer school in June. I had already been hired to teach summer school before I got the permanent job for next school year. There is so much lesson planning involved, though, and it's crunch time. Thursday is our last day of school, but teachers still have to report on Friday and Saturday morning. I hope to have my summer school work DONE by this afternoon. I am meeting with my co-teacher after school today to finalize everything.

SO... can you see how crazy my life is? It's just overwhelming right now. So what do I do?

I eat... and eat... and eat...

I was totally miserable with heartburn on Wednesday and Thursday because I had been binging so bad.

On Thursday I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to get away.

I called up my best friends and by Saturday afternoon, one BFF had my kids and I was on the way to Atlanta with the other one. We had about 24 hours to talk, relax, drink wine, and do some window shopping! And do you know what? It's just what I needed.

Today, I feel relaxed and in control again.

I CAN do this.

EVERYTHING will be okay.

I am in CONTROL.

Even though I went out of town Saturday and Sunday, my eating is back under control. Yes, I indulged in wine on Saturday night, but only a few glasses.

Sadly, even on a weekend away for relaxation, the main thing on my mind was my weight and where I am on my weight loss journey. Even though I keep falling on my face, I refuse to give up. One day... ONE DAY something will "click" and I will achieve the consistency I need so desperately. I will be able to squash my bad habits one at a time until eating clean and healthy is second nature. Exercise will be a part of my life, too... not something that I dread and have to plan for. It will happen. Because no matter what, I WANT it. I NEED it.

In June 2008 when I decided to go back to school for my Master's in Education, actually getting my license and my own classroom seemed like a far-off dream. I knew I COULD do it, but there was so many obstacles in my way. One by one, I have jumped over each hurdle, and I made it! I made my goal! Now I know I can do anything I set my mind to... so I know I will be successful at losing weight and getting healthy. It will happen!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

You wanted a picture!

Several people mentioned in the comments that I should have taken a picture of my ensemble on Saturday night... I forgot to!

I didn't remember taking any pictures this weekend, but my friend posted this on Facebook yesterday.  It is me and my cousin, Marissa, on Friday night at her birthday party. I was feelin' pretty good here, too!

Today has been busy, busy, busy... and I've been eating, eating, eating... I know... more on that tomorrow!

Monday, May 17, 2010

What's your best part?

Lyn (Escape from Obesity) asked a great question on her blog today... what is your best part?

Without having to even think about it, I knew the answer... my neck/chest/shoulder region. When I crop pictures, this is always how I do it so I "look" my best. For whatever reason, when I get to about 280 lbs or so my double chin disappears and my collar bone emerges. I think it looks sexy! I am between 270 - 280 lbs on all these pictures above....

What about you? What is YOUR favorite feature? No matter what size you are, you should have SOME part of your body that you look at and say, "not so bad!". Lemme know what it is in the comments, and link your blog if you write about it!

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While typing out this post, I got some incredibly wonderful news... I got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to scream/cry/vomit all at the same time!

I will write more later!

Confident?

This weekend was AWESOME. Overall, the last week I really felt like my life is finally moving in the right direction. I have mental peace about everything, and the sadness and depression is going away. I am FINALLY finding peace with my food choices, and at the same time am finding peace with myself.

On Saturday night I went out with a friend. The whole thing made me a little nervous, because going out seems to be "one of those things I don't do anymore." For a while, I felt like the good times were out of control. I reeled myself in, and have just stayed there for a while. But this weekend, I was just in the mood to get out and have fun, and that's just what I did.

I had a new outfit that I'd bought for a Mother's Day gift to myself, so I got all dressed up - hair, makeup, etc. I felt so pretty. I really loved my shirt and the way my makeup looked.... (my friend only uses MAC cosmetics, and has a collection that a makeup artist would envy! Whenever we go out, I always use her makeup...). I wore really cute heels and felt like a million bucks.

We hopped around to several different parties and had a blast! I didn't eat the usual crap, kept the alcohol to a bare minimum, and still had SUCH a good time.

One thing kept coming up, though. Everywhere we went, women kept telling me that I was beautiful. When men approach me, I usually don't pay attention because they usually just want to get in your pant, lol. But these were random women that I didn't even know that were complimenting me - and seemed sincere! Even my best friend looked at me at times and would say, "you look exceptionally beautiful tonight."

Ordinarily, I don't know how to accept a compliment, but on that night, when I said "thank you" I really meant it. It made me feel awesome.

At one party we went to, this really pretty woman came over to me and said, "you are so pretty! I love how confident you are - you really are an example for us big girls that we look just as good as those skinny girls!"

Confident? Me?

So I asked my friend yesterday (as we were re-capping the great night we had) if she thought I seemed confident.

"Yes - whenever you're dressed up and go out, you are confident as hell. Only people who really know you know that you struggle with it..."

She is so right. But at least I can fake it til I make it, right?

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I have been toying with the idea of doing a sugar detox again. Yum Yucky did one last week, and she has inspired me to JUST DO IT.

So last night I went to the grocery, and there was a table with cake right by the cash register. Small containers with two slices of cake - coconut cake. I decided I wanted it and thought - one last piece... (story of my life, right?)

I got home, ate dinner and after the kiddos went to bed, I went to the kitchen for my cake.

But I didn't want it.

The behavior was just too familiar. Sneak in the kitchen for my binge after the kids go to bed... then feel like crap after I eat it.

But the cake is there... just waiting for me! What will happen if I don't eat it? Just go to bed without it?

It will just stay on the counter, that's what!

I was full... I was satisfied (mentally and physically). I didn't want the cake anymore, and didn't feel obligated to eat it just because it was there. It is still on my counter. If I want it later, I will eat it and feel no guilt. But the fact that I left it there last night was such a NSV.

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I didn't track this weekend, but felt like I did well. The scale was up .2 this morning from Friday morning's weight, so that's good.  It means that I didn't over-do it this weekend. I was able to have fun and stay binge-free. I made good choices, and feel great.

Did I mention that I've been binge-free since May 6? Yeah... that is an awesome feeling!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Good times!

Just a quick check-in...

The interview went really well yesterday! The position is awesome - really my ideal teaching job if I had to pick! I actually know the principal of the school from church, and it turns out that his wife reads this blog! (hi, Tiffany!) That's about all I want to mention, since I don't want them to think I am begging for this position via blog, lol! Just keep praying - if it's for me it will be mine!

Went out last night and had a great time - with NO alcohol! I had lunch out yesterday and knew I'd dipped into some of my weekly points. It just wasn't worth making it worse calories from wine. Lately, though, it has been easy to abstain. I just don't *like it anymore. I have too much going on. But I still had an AWESOME TIME!

Today was soccer and I steered clear from the concession stand, another NSV.

I am on my way to a backyard bbq that will most likely get rained out...:(

I have been "good" all day so I can eat this afternoon with no guilt.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Butterflies

...in my stomach, that is.

I am so nervous about my interview tomorrow. This is BIG. I really want a job in this district.

I have been nauseous all day. Panicked. Stressed. I hate this feeling.

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Yesterday was day one of Weight Watchers, and I had a great day. My daily points is 36, I ended up eating 37 points (which I estimated was about 1550 calories). I made good, healthy choices, and drank 80 oz. of water.

My activity was GREAT yesterday. I started out by mowing the grass (25 min, burned 400 calories). Then, before dinner, I took the kids to the park and walked two miles around the track there (38 minutes, burned 500+ calories). If I remember correctly, that amounts to about 9 activity points. I felt "snacky" before bed last night, but just made myself go to bed so I wouldn't be tempted.

Many of you asked in the comments yesterday WHY I felt embarrassed about going back to meetings.

I think it's because I feel like I am going backward. I have tried WW before and it didn't get me to goal - why should I think it's gonna get me there now? Is this just another waste of time and money?

I also think going back to a structured diet plan is like admitting failure on my part. I have tried to do it on my own, and I just can't do it. I need the structure of a plan right now. But I also need a plan that will not restrict certain food groups; one that is adaptable and "real life". WW has always been that plan for me.

I was thinking about it today as I was eating fresh pineapple (that was soooooo good!). I could never have pineapple on Medifast, or if I was doing a no/low carb diet. Weight Watchers takes away the guilt by letting me pretty much have whatever I want. It's just up to ME to make the right choices when it comes to nutritious food for my body. So far, so good.

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Speaking of Medifast...

Yesterday before mowing the grass, I was looking for a quick "snack" to tide me over until dinner. I ended up drinking one of my leftover Medifast shakes and it was so refreshing! The numbers are also good - 90 calories, 0 fat, 4 grams of fiber, and 11 grams of protein - all for 1 ww point! I drank it at about 4 p.m. and was satisfied until dinner at 7 p.m. I will definitely be drinking these shakes while on WW. The Medifast shakes were always one of my favorite meals while on the plan - I am just glad I don't have to drink them all the time now!

Also, last week when I spoke about Medifast and exercise, I was IN NO WAY trying to knock their plan or anyone who does it. My motto is WHATEVER WORKS, DO IT! I was just frustrated by hearing so many people over the course of ONE DAY say they couldn't/wouldn't exercise while doing Medifast. But I know of SO many people who continue to have success on that plan, and I am so happy for them. It was just not for me.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

New pics; New friends!

This is me, today - day 1 of Weight Watchers. 300.2 lbs. Size 22 pants. Size 18/20 shirt.

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Are you on Facebook? Be my friend!

http://www.facebook.com/tnhollie

I also have a SkinnyHollie fan page, where I post weight-loss and health related stuff:


http://www.facebook.com/skinnyhollie

I also Twitter (but not a lot). My twitter name is also SkinnyHollie.

Weight Watchin'

Yesterday, I just did it. I re-joined Weight Watchers. I was out running errands, and the thought occurred to me that it was time for the Tuesday meeting. I just went in and did it.

And then I felt... embarrassed? Let down?

I actually walked outside to get myself together. I actually thought, "how am I going to admit to my blog-friends that I re-joined Weight Watchers?" Does that even make any sense? It's not like I have done something wrong.

I think the bottom line is that I need accountability. I am just not one of those people who can eat intuitively (at least not right now). I need parameters that are easy, and Weight Watchers has always given me that. I have always lost weight on WW.

What I hope is different this time around is the quality of food I eat. I know so much more this time around about how to eat whole, unprocessed food. I really think I can do it this time.

Like Lyn (Escape from Obesity) always tells me, I need to stick to it for a certain amount of time so it has the CHANCE to work for me.

So I am giving it 4 weeks.

I am already feeling good. The meeting was nice, even though the regular leader wasn't there. I have heard from co-workers who go there that she is awesome. I also recognized someone that went to the meeting with me YEARS ago who has re-gained about 50 lbs. Several people came up to me after the meeting and offered encouragement, which felt good. Already, it seems different from "last time". Like the people are closer? The last time I went to meetings here, people basically just weighed in and left. These people seem kind of connected, which will be great for me.

I spent time last night packing my lunch and calculating points values. Today I was prepared and I am feeling good! I have plenty of points left for the day, so there is no reason for me to go over. I forgot how much I prefer counting points vs. counting calories.

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I got very good news yesterday. I officially have my FIRST interview set up for Friday for a teaching position in the fall! I am nervous and excited at the same time. It is my first choice for a job/school district, so I am praying it will work out.

I have worked for so long toward this goal that it just seems unreal that I am *almost* there.

Besides dealing with my weight and eating issues, I have been bombarded by stress related to my kids, job situation, and ex-husband. It is just overwhelming. I walk around all day with such a heavy heart. I haven't cried in such a long time, and I know that if I ever start I will probably cry for days. I am having trouble sleeping (again), which BLOWS. I just lay awake, thinking...

BUT, somewhere, deep inside me, I feel change. I still feel that peace that I got over the weekend. I feel better about myself, and I don't feel hopeless anymore.

And my house is even clean. My oldest had the kitchen all cleaned up yesterday when I got home from Weight Watchers, which was an awesome thing. Now, the only areas of the house that need to be addressed are the bathrooms. But they are both so small it will probably take about 15 minutes to clean them (which I plan on doing this afternoon).

Many said this in the comments, but cleaning my room/house makes me feel SO much better. It's just one less thing, you know?

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I have officially reached 500 followers! Wow... that is just amazing to me. If the blog-world only knew how much support, inspiration, and accountability you provide me each day. Thank you!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Uncluttering

Is that even a word, lol. Well, even if it's not... I hope you get the drift. I feel like that's how my brain feels right now. Like it's trying to clear out the clutter...
Unless you have been to my house, you do not know how signifigant this picture is. As soon as I sent it via text message to my close friends, they were in disbelief. My dresser (hell, my whole room) is always a disaster area. It is the catch-all of the entire house. Even when my room is clean, though, my dressers are never cleaned off. This dresser is usually piled so high that you can't see the surface at all.

Today, it was cold and rainy in TN. UGH! There goes my walk I had planned (and looked forward to). So, in an effort to NOT sit on the computer or in front of a TV all night, I got my butt up and cleaned my room! For the past couple of nights, it's just been overwhelmingly messy. I figured I needed to do something before somebody submitted my name to the that show, Hoarders. I am not a hoarder, but I let clutter in my room build up until I want to just pretend it's not there. Most nights my bed is so full of clothes and stuff that I can barely find a place to sleep. Just so much clutter...

Kind of like I let the clutter in my head? Maybe.

Today, I woke up and decided first thing that no matter what, this was going to be a good day. My heart is still heavy over a situation I am dealing with. But I took charge of my thoughts and my well-being first thing this morning and guess what? It worked! I still have peace, and I'm still feeling good.
I was having a good hair day and I snapped a picture (yes, I know, kinda cheesy). But I just stared at the picture on my phone for a while and decided that it is not bad. I am not loving that picture (yet), but I didn't hate it. I accept that it is me right now. Yes, my face is fatter and I can tell that I have gained weight, but that is just who I am and I have to move forward. I can't get caught up in how much I wish I looked thinner.

After I emerged from my bedroom, it was like I looked at my whole house through new eyes. What looked clean didn't really cut it anymore.

I have not only let myself go. I have let my house go, too. My standards are definitely lower than they were when I was married and my ex checked everything with white gloves, lol. But I didn't think I had slipped that far. I mean, it's not NASTY or DIRTY - just messy. Yeah, I do have three kids and this is a small house, but I know I can do better. And the time is now.

I didn't sleep well at all last night, so I am off to bed. I even have my clothes picked out and ironed for tomorrow! I am aiming for a smooth morning so I can do my hair and makeup again. That made me feel better today. I just want to keep this feeling I have - the peaceful feeling that has eluded me for so long. I am not ready to give it up just yet - if ever.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Peaceful...

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there in blogland! I hope your day was filled with love and happy times. I know that my day was very peaceful, and I enjoyed spending it with my kids.
The past few days have really been a time of reflection for me. Right now, tonight, although I have a lot of issues that I am dealing with concerning my life as I know it, I feel at peace with myself. Wow... I almost forgot how that felt.

Let me back up a little bit... oh, let's start on Wednesday. My mood dropped very low on Wednesday. I looked forward to hanging out with a friend of mine for Cinco de Mayo, and at the last minute the plans changed. I admit, my feelings were kinda hurt because of the circumstances, and I immediately got depressed. Maybe it's because I had been binging all day.... I felt fat, disgusting, and rejected by my friend. Honestly, I binged until I was sick. I vomited until Thursday morning, and was even late for work because I was so nauseous.

I trudged through Thursday, and got off from work early on Friday because it was an in-service day (no students). I have been wanting to read my book (Women Food and God by Geneen Roth), so I decided to take some time to read and sunbathe a little in my back yard since the day was so beautiful. I was craving sunshine and there was plenty to go around! I read about half of that book, and let me be the first to tell you it is an awesome book. I could identify with about 90% of what she was saying, and it just made me so emotional.

I just sat out there thinking for a while - just why am I so unable to love myself? Why do I set myself up for failure? Why do I accept failure in my life? Why do I settle for less than what I am worth? Why am I killing myself with food?

My mind has been in "reflection" mode since then, and I have been really thinking about my life a lot this weekend. My circumstances are not the best at this time in my life, but they could be so much worse. I am a strong woman. I deserve so much more than I settle for. I am so close to achieving my goal of being a teacher and completing my Master's degree. My children are healthy and happy and well behaved. I have a nice home and even though it's a struggle, I pay my bills on time and my car is dependable. I might not have much, but I have a lot more than some people out there. I am blessed.

I have allowed my weight to define who I am for so long. Just because I fail at weight loss does not mean I am a failure as a person. I have just made myself believe that for way too long. Every time I am successful at weight loss, I start letting the bad thoughts about myself creep back in. I tell myself that I can't do it for the long-term, or that I am not meant to be thin.

I also use my fat as protection. When I am fat, I feel unattractive, and I don't have to worry about men approaching me. I don't have to worry about my appearance, or how my clothes look because fat people are invisible, right? Sometimes I just like being invisible... I just want to blend in.

But sometimes I want to feel pretty. It's kinda nice to look in the mirror and like what you see looking back at you. I hate the feeling of being embarrassed and horrified at my reflection.

I went out on Friday and bought myself a new outfit. I have been waiting "until I lose weight" to buy myself something, but I decided that I wanted something NOW. I was pleased that I could wear a size 22 in everything I tried on. My top is even an 18/20.

Just for kicks I rolled my hair last night and put on makeup. I feel funny admitting this, but I thought I looked good. From the neck up, that is...

Today I cooked for Mother's day because my mom and best friend were supposed to come over. Neither showed up. But that didn't stop me from having a great day. And guess what else? I didn't over-eat.

As a matter of fact - I have been binge-free since Wednesday. I have been only eating when I am hungry, and I have been making good choices. Today, I made a pie and it didn't send me over the edge. I was able to put it away without one thought of binging. I actually have a lot of left-overs in the 'fridge for tomorrow. Although I was a little sad that my mom and my friend didn't show up for my little cookout, it didn't ruin my day. It didn't make me binge on all the delicious food I had cooked. I just moved on and let it go. I will take that pie to work tomorrow and let my co-workers enjoy it. I don't even want it.

Right now I feel peace regarding food. It's really a strange feeling for me. Today I just felt happy for who I am right now - not who I will be when I am finally "on plan" or "sticking to my diet". Today, I almost feel as if I can do this - as if I am going to "get it" and achieve my goals. Not just for weight loss - but for everything I want to do in life! Right now.

If only for tonight, I feel at peace with ME. And my weight doesn't have anything to do with it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The "book", and Weight Watchers...



A few people recommended this book to me yesterday in the comments... guess what? I already have it! I ordered it last week, and actually made it through the introduction this weekend. I am going to buckle down and actually start reading it today. I am still reading "The End of Overeating" by David A. Kessler... it's just taking a while. I just don't have time to read like I used to! But I really think that this is imporant, and that this reading can give me insight I need. 

I actually have another book on the way, too. It's called "The Diet Cure", and it was recommended by my friend, Greta (BigBottomBlogger).

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Over the past few days I have been compelled to start doing WEIGHT WATCHER'S again. Why? I don't know...? It has worked for me in the past... and I think I have learned so much about proper nutrition and clean eating since the last time I tried it that I could do it the RIGHT way. Any thoughts?

I know I need to start tracking NUMBERS. Writing down my food is good, but if I am going to lose weight I need parameters. And counting points was always easier to me than counting calories. I don't know... I am thinking about it...

I DO know I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Something is going to change... now. My life is at stake.

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On another tangent... I am still subscribed to several blogs and groups about Medifast. I like to give support - no matter what plan you're on, so I still like to read and comment about people who are having success with the plan (Lyn and Mary Jane, and Maribeth - to just name a few). I have been read

You know what... I am going to skip this tangent. I don't want to knock anyone's plan, so I am going to keep my opinion to myself. EXCEPT to say - If your diet plan is telling you that EXERCISE is bad because it will make you lose less weight or make you gain weight, I don't think that is a good diet plan.

End of (almost) tangent.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Snap out of it!!!!


Yesterday morning I was low… very low.

But it always takes that ONE friend to slap you back into reality, and yesterday, that is exactly what happened.

My friend Yvette (who helped me with weight loss before) called me yesterday morning after reading my blog. She gave me a dose of reality, and several words of wisdom.
“Your body is controlling you, you are not controlling your body!”

“You really have to slap the shit out of your body so it can listen to you!”

“DISCIPLINE!!!!!”

“BACK TO THE BASICS!!!!!!!!”

“Tell your body, sorry, THIS is what we are doing now!”
(Seriously, this conversation was so GREAT that I was taking notes! I felt like I was attending a motivational conference or something!)

But HONESTLY, SERIOUSLY… Right now, my weight defines me. I am controlled by food – whether it is the food I am eating, or not eating, or just obsessing about. Something’s gotta give!

I am going to rise up. I am not going to do this to myself anymore. My weight will not define me anymore.

No, I do NOT want to diet. I do not want to count calories. I do not want to restrict my sugar and caffeine. I really just want to eat healthy foods 80% of the time see where that leads me.

But right now, I am miserable in my skin. I am unhappy.

Uncomfortable. I am going to have to get uncomfortable for a while. Why? Because being uncomfortable in regards to following a diet and exercise plan will only be temporary. Staying on the track that I am on is going to kill me. For real.

I saw my mother today. 5’2” and 300+ lbs. She is 75 years old, and takes 14 different medications to control severe arthritis, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and a list of other weight-related ailments. I do not want to turn into my mother (who, by the way, refuses to diet and sleeps with a box of cookies and sweets in her bed with her).

I have issues with food that I am going to have to address… head on. What am I gonna do when I want food? What am I gonna do to break my bad habits? I have to figure that out. Starting now.


Yesterday, the sun came out. I took my children to the Dollar Store – even though we really didn’t need anything. It was close to the house and I didn’t want to travel too far because of the flooding. But we needed to get out of the house. I needed fresh air.

I bought some yard supplies, and spent two hours working in my yard yesterday. I strapped on my HRM – I burned 1400 calories mowing the back yard and cutting hedges and weeding! Today, my body is HURTING – but in a good way! I am ready to start exercising again. The sun is out, so I will be walking today.

And coming up with a plan so I can FINALLY start losing weight again. Even if it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE. I have to do this. Now.

BTW...I got a blog award!


I got this FABULOUS Blogger Award last week from Jer, at Jer is Losing It. Have you read this blog? OMG... This woman is one of my biggest inspirations. She has come such a long way - she's lost over 100 lbs and is still going!

I think I am supposed to pass this on... and you know I usually won't name specific blogs... but today I am!

1. A Deliberate Life - I love Chris's writing style. She, too, has had amazing progress and inspires me daily.
2. A Merry Life - Mary is so real... she struggles just like I do, and sometimes if feels good to know that you are not alone on this journey.
3. Eating Journey - I love Mish because she is also one of the most REAL bloggers out there. I love her spirit and determination.
4. My Journey to a New Life - Kelli never gives up. She tries so hard and does more than most people would do in her situation. I love her, and I always think of her when I want to make up excuses to why I can't exercise.
5. Dropping the Pounds, Picking up my Life - Trina is struggling right now and can use some support. I can identify with her on SO many levels.

Be back later!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Mirror, mirror


Wow... it's been a CRAZY weekend. I am sure most of you have heard about the record-breaking rain and flooding in Tennessee. Our area has received almost 14 inches of rain in two days! We have basically been flooded-in since Saturday morning. Schools were closed today because our town (and most of Middle TN) is under water. We are blessed, and our home was fine. The roads around our house were really bad, though. I got out for about 30 minutes Sunday morning to go to the grocery store because there was a brief pause in the rain. I am glad I did... I barely got home beforethe bottom fell out and the flooding started again. The picture above is less than a mile from my house.


Friday, I had a really ROUGH day. It started with an incident at work, and pretty much went down hill from there. Because of the incident at school (that I can't discuss because it involves a student), the teacher I work with and I were given permission to go out to lunch to "get away" from the building. The rest of the teachers/staff at the school had got to go out to lunch for "Spring Fling"earlier in the week, but since we work in Alternative, we were unable to go until then.

Remember how I'd already packed my lunch and tallied my calories for the day? Um, yeah. Well, I thought I could actually GO to lunch, so I could get some fresh air (Friday was BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE), and just sip on a diet coke, or get a salad. I had already eat the lunch I'd packed.

We get to the restaurant, and we were seated in the outside patio area. I sat down at the table, looked to my left, and saw the reflection of a GROSS, FAT, DISGUSTING woman staring back at me. There, in a window, was MY reflection. I was so shocked, I almost started crying. Right now, just typing this, makes me sick to my stomach again. The reflection was me, and at that moment, I hated myself.

In my mind, I am NOT disgusting. In my mind I am not that fat. When I am eating healthy food and exercising, I FEEL thin. I never really feel like I am morbidly obese. I feel average, and sometimes even pretty.

As hard as it was for me, I kept glancing at my reflection and I hated what kept looking back at me. A fat, disgusting mess of a woman who had just let herself go. I was so disappointed, so hurt, and so sad that I just wanted to crawl into a hole and starve myself until I looked like a decent-sized human being.

Now I know why I avoid mirrors.

Needless to say, it ruined my day. And probably my weekend...

Because of the rain, and being stuck in the house, I have been allowed to wallow in my depression and negative-self-worth for two days. It has been dark and gloomy and my mood has matched. I haven't been eating bad because I am still striving to feed my kids healthy food, and there is still no junk in the house. But I have been so down over it. Sorry, but that's just the truth.

Sometimes I feel like my efforts at losing weight are just hopeless. I am just too fat, and there is no way I acn beat this. Why even try?

But there is something in me that won't allow me to give up. I just can't do it.

I woke up to sunshine and blue skies this morning. I am going to venture out in a little while to take a long walk and see if that won't help clear the cobwebs in my head.

Sorry for the debbie-downer post - but this is my reality today. This is a part of my journey, unfortunately...

And I also know about positive affirmations and how I need to stop the negative self-talk. It's just not happening at this point. I am working on it, though.