Cize with me!

Friday, January 21, 2011

This is what happens...

Right now I feel.... raw?

Over the last week, I have not had a binge day. Since making crappy choices last weekend, I decided on making good choices this week. Every morning so far, I have got up, made my IsaLean shake, filled a water bottle each with my Ionix and my Cleanse, and brewed a cup of coffee to go. I sip my shake on the way to school (I have to stop at 3 schools before I get to mine to drop all my kids off). Then I drink my coffee while my students arrive. During the course of the morning, I sip my Ionix and my Cleanse drinks.

We go to lunch at 11:50. By the time I get trays for my students in wheelchairs, it is around 12:00 before I sit down to eat myself (with my students). This week, I brought my lunch once... leftovers from dinner the night before. The other two days, I chose to eat a meal replacement bar. Usually somewhere after lunch and before I leave for the day, I will have an IsaDelight (dark chocolate with green tea... love these!). I drink 1 - 2 bottles of water. I feel like this is a good day, overall.

When I get home, I do okay. Not perfect eating... but just okay. I don't overeat... I don't binge. I don't even snack. I've been cooking dinner for my family, so I usually eat a little bit of that. Yesterday we had dinner at church, and I had a salad and a piece of fried chicken (the smell reeled me in). I'm not making excuses, but I think overall, I am doing much better. I feel like I am making conscious choices when it comes to food. I stop eating when I am full. Good, right?

But it seems like each day that goes by, I get into a deeper reflective mode. This is what happens, I guess, when you actually start THINKING instead of just BEING. I've been on this path for quite a while where I just roll through the day, not really thinking about anything in particular, but just trying to make it through the day. But by starting each day this week by being DELIBERATE, that is, making a CHOICE to eat a proper breakfast and to follow my cleansing plan, I feel like it is helping me stay more focused during the day.

It is also making me reflect on a lot of things I want to change in my life. Things I don't really want to deal with, but things that are necessary to face.

My weight loss has so much more to do with what is going on in my head, than what I put in my mouth everyday. If anything, what goes on in my head is the root of my bad food choices and binge-eating behavior. For a long time, food has been my psychiatrist. It allows me to drown myself in calories instead of facing the real problems.

My younger sister got out of jail about a week and a half ago. She stayed with me last weekend, and for the first time... ever?... we talked about some deep childhood issues. About how I was treated by my mother, and how she was treated by my father. And about how I was the ugly, fat sister and she was the beautiful, skinny model. And we talked with no accusations or judgment, but just about how things were. Bad or good. I hope my sister stays on the right track and gets her life together. I will love and take care of her son regardless... but I DO wish her well. And I will treasure the talks we had last weekend. I wonder if she knows how much that experience is helping me move forward?

I am trying to fix the inside of myself, as well as the outside. Mentally and physically, I have a lot of changes to make this year.

13 comments:

Ms. M said...

It sounds like you're in a good place - working on the important things in life. Glad you were able to spend some quality time with your sister. :)

Pan Hunter said...

Hey, I like your blog. I just started a blog on trying to stop binge eating and would really appreciate your comments and thoughts. Your blog is amazing!

Leanna13 said...

I read your blog for the first time today and I relate so much to how you feel, not just the weight loss but in being emotionally and mentally all over the place. I cannot even begin to tell you just how all over the place I am right now. And I KNOW that my weight has always reflected my state of mind... which i find hard because I know it isnt just about excerising like crazy and eating carots and thats it :) i have an entire state of mind to change.
I found this thing, and I have just started doing it, its a weight loss program which ive seen plenty of before but this appealed to me because this guy, Craig Woods, talks about the simple mistakes people make which increase their weight gain, and small changes u can make to attempt to start taking control. Maybe it might help you too :)
http://leanna11715.eliteweightlosspackage.com/

International Health said...

Hollie! I love being your Consultant and Health & Wellness Coach! You are inspirational to so many people. You really are. I follow you and your life experience and you certainly take life's lessons by the horns! I admire that and appreciate that in you. We all need a bit of inspiration from wherever we can get it and I know you are a good source of inspiration. :) I am also happy you are doing so well with the Isagenix products I referred you to. I KNEW you would get the results you were looking for. :) That was an easy call considering we are the World Leader in Nutritional Cleansing and Replenishing! We have that title because it works as you now know. I also want to offer my Consulting and Health & Wellness Coaching to any of your friends or readers who wish to take control of and positively change their lives....To those of you readers and friends of Hollie who want to learn more about Isagenix and our products and how and why they work so well feel free to contact me. My service for this is free of charge. Hollie, I can't tell you enough how awesome you are and motivational for us all. I am proud to be your coach! Keep up the good work and get the word out there to people who really want to make a difference and want real results as you have found. My Email address for anyone who would like to contact me is internationalhealth@me.com Go Hollie!!!!! My hat is off to you for so many reasons.

Nikki said...

Just started following you and really enjoy reading your blog. Very inspiring!

Check out my blog when you get a chance http://nikki-lovingmeunconditionally.blogspot.com/. Let's inspire each other!

HopeFool said...

Hi Hollie,

We've talked before and I know we have a bunch of things in common, but another one just popped up. My younger sister just got out of jail too.

I am with you about this idea of "being" in and "getting through" the days instead of thinking. The more I begin to think though, the more all over the place I feel. You may have just helped me find another piece of my WL puzzle.

No point to this comment really, other than keep at it sister.

Homemaking Expert said...

I love that you are working on the inside as well. I think that is so important. In the past, when I simply focused on the outside I failed. Period. Because I hadn't fixed the roots, I was just working on the flowers. Now I'm fixing the roots...and have a whole new outlook on this weight loss journey. I love that you are so open and candid with your blog! It inspired me to start my own weight loss blog. It's www.megamommyblogs.blogspot.com I am recruiting accountability partners! :)

kathyj333 said...

I know exactly what you mean about thinking rather than being. That's where I've been for a while. Time to start living, huh?

Sistergirl said...

I just found your blog. I'm trying to loose weight too. I think it was good you had the opportunity to talk to your sister.

You may have continued to be the "fat" sister because everyone was telling you that is what you should be and in a way you could have given yourself an excuse. But that God you have the time to process everything do you can heal and move on.

Drew said...

Hollie, I have struggled with my weight for 15 years. 3 months ago I stumbled upon this website ad thought I would give it a shot. I followed everything step by step and did no cheating, and have lost 30 pounds in 3 months. Not sure if it works for everyone but it worked for me. Might check it out.
http://drew19224.elite-weight-loss-package.com

Samantha

Becky said...

Food has always been my psychiatrist too. I too have been really working hard on trying to make better healthy food choices. There is a great book that I picked up the other day titled, "Full: A Life Without Dieting" by Michael Snyder, M.D. It has helped end the confusion I have had over portion control by syncing visual and physiological cues of fullness. That really has been the key for me.

scrapwordsmom said...

Hi, Hollie. I am new to the weight loss blogging {i have creative one} and since I'm blogging I have been looking around and found YOU! I have such food issues...but I am trying to overcome them Just wanted to say hi and let you know I'll be stopping by more!!

Leslie from Skinny Me

http://skinnyme-scrapwordsmom.blogspot.com/

Beginning Anew said...

I have been reading through your blog and I really like your positive attitude! I am new to the whole blog scene so seeing someone positive and upbeat is really good. If you don't mind, think I will will follow yours.

Best of luck!

Kim