Monday, February 24, 2014

Binge-eating and what's next

I've relapsed.

I should have seen it coming, and in many ways I think I did. And I tried to stay positive and avoid it.

But I have relapsed. And I'm having a hard time getting myself together.

Yesterday was a binge day like I haven't had in a long time.

It was pre-meditated. And I didn't regret it at all.

I sat down in my car with a huge piece of red velvet cake purchased from Kroger. And ate about half of it before I felt better. I ate the rest later in the privacy of my bedroom.

I cried before I went into the store. Cried over being fat. Cried over my foot pain (more on that later). Cried over hurt feelings from an ex. I cried over being lonely. And overwhelmed. I cried over money and bills.

And then I ate my cake.

And I felt better.

I told myself beforehand that I would NOT feel better. That it would make me feel worse. But it turns out that piece of cake was clarity. It was soothing and yummy and took my mind off all the shit that was making me unhappy.

Like it always does.

I came home, made a healthy dinner and meal-prepped for success this week. But honestly, I wasn't feeling any of it.

What's the use? I'm not losing weight. I don't feel any healthier or different. Hell, I proved to myself with that binge yesterday that I'm still the same FatHollie underneath it all. All these months of trying to get it right and I'm still the same food addict that I've been since the beginning of Hollie.

I went to the doctor a week ago and had a full panel of blood work done. There MUST be something wrong with my thyroid or hormones or SOMETHING that is prohibiting me from losing weight, right? Nope. All is normal. (That news, although great, was very discouraging because deep down I was hoping there was some sort of medical reason for my 9-month plateau).

I started having horrible foot pain on Sunday morning that hasn't gone away. I'm limping and it hurts to walk. So taking out all my frustration at the gym is a big NO right now. I thought about doing the bike but any foot movement is painful. (And this stresses me out because all I can think of is another medical bill).

I'm just having a rough time with this section of my life. I've pretty much accepted that I'll be single for a while. I've accepted that single parents struggle financially and that I'm blessed to be able to pay my bills on time. I've accepted a lot of things.

But I do NOT accept being fat. I figure that's the one damned thing I should be able to change. And my body is fighting against me.

Or is it just that I'm not doing enough? That I'm not consistent and I am not being honest with myself about my level of commitment. Maybe I'm not trying all that hard.

But I honestly think I am. And that's what makes me so pissed off.

I'm trying. And getting no results.

Then I binge like yesterday. And I feel like I'm back to the drawing board.

What can I do?

Well, I think it's time to start going back to OA meetings. I saw an OA friend at a church I was visiting yesterday and I took that as a sign.

I also think that maybe I just need to simplify things a bit. I'm overwhelmed with juicing and clean eating and no sugar and low carb and acidic foods vs alkaline foods, etc. I've learned so much that I feel the need to implement EVERYTHING. But I can't. It's expensive and time consuming. I'm running low on time and money. So I've got to find some type of happy medium.

I haven't weighed in over a week, and I'm not sure I want to. But I think I need to.

Not sure what to do about that.

I definitely need to get back to prayer, and get God back into this. I was focused while fasting. But I've fallen off. Big time.

I'm not quitting. I just have to get the courage to get back on the wagon. It's harder than it seems sometimes.


10 comments:

Lyn said...

Oh gosh, you're right. We're both in the same boat. Oh how I wish cake DIDN'T make it better, but you know, for a little while it really does. That's why it's so hard to stop. When I am on plan, and I am having a hard time and want to eat junk, it feels almost panicky when you realize you "can't" have the cake without messing up your weight loss. I hear you. You're not alone.

But we both know it can be done, and the further away from the cake you get, the easier it becomes to say no to it... the first few days are the hardest.

You're in my thoughts.

Beginning Anew said...

Remember its a journey not a one time event. Many people believe an alcoholic is forever an alcoholic its just whether they are drinking or not - I think of food the same way - once a person has every used food as a drug - they are a recovering addict. but that's better than some drugs we could be using!

I am sorry for your low point. I bet you will be back on top of things soon. There is something in you that brought you to this point - I believe in you and I believe that desire to be healthy will rise up again. You will figure it all out, until then, one day at a time! It's really all we can do...

ambitious.gyrl said...

I completely understand where you are coming from! I'm also an emotional/binge eater and there are days that the only thing that will make me feel better is some french fries lol...I wish it wasnt true but it is! When you have used food as a comfort for so long you have to replace it with something that is equally as satisfying and comforting or it's not going to work. Good luck girl! You will be back on it in no time so dont beat yourself up about it.

Alicia said...

Why do sweet soft foods make us feel better? I wish I knew. I do know that sometimes its ok to eat something that will mentally make us feel better so we can get back into a state of balance and clear thinking. I hope your foot pain gets better, I know how horrible it is to want to be active but have too much pain to do it. it's ok and you can do it!

Tricia Coniglio said...

I just posted a couple days ago about how I used to do the same thing. Buy something really delicious, unhealthy and loaded with sugar and eat the whole damn thing right in the parking lot.

It was fantastic while I was eating it and I kept telling myself "one more bite and I'm done". But no, I was not done until it was gone. And then I felt guilty.

Beginning Anew said "Remember it's a journey" and they are right. It happened and you probably wish it did not but I have no doubt you can get back on track. You have done it before! :)

Kenechukwu Okpako said...

honey, we are alike sort of. I want you to know that you will be alright. You will smile again. You will lose the weight. You will be healthy. Just trust and believe. Pray to God, sing, listen to music ( I do that), cry when you want to...but remember that God loves you and He too wants you to be slim and happy. Well done, you have gotten up again, so many people fall and never get up but you can. You can do this! We can!!!

You can check my blog (www.slimqueenie.blogspot.com) if you don't mind. I feel like I was talking to you. I posted "RAINBOWS...you will smile again"about 2 hours ago only to check your post and saw this!

YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT

Mitzie S said...

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Kim said...

You're writing is really powerful. I FEEL what you feel when you were eating that cake. Why do inanimate objects mess with our psyche soooo much? I'm thinking if you Hollie and wishing you peace.

Sunny Duckling said...

Ohh Hollie. I think you're right. I think you do need to break it down and make it simpler. It is time consuming to do all the juicing and fasting and what-not.

Have you ever gone back to your old blog posts to re-read them? What were you doing back then that worked? That helped? You had such great positivity and energy about your weightloss efforts then.

Are you using those same strategies? I don't think so. Try them again. Tone it down a notch and work on simple, basic steps. Walking everyday, cutting out sugars and I think there was something else as well.

And yes, maybe dropping into OA again isn't such a bad idea either. Relearn/remember those things you already know, you just need to hear them from a different voice, that's not the one inside you head.

I believe in you Hollie. You can do this!

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