Monday, March 17, 2014

Loving me...

Even though people warn you otherwise, one still has a delusion that if you lose enough weight that you will magically love yourself and that everything will turn out perfect in your life.

If you can only lose the weight, you will be pretty and you will be confident. That perfect person will gravitate to you because the universe is so pleased with your progress. Life will be so good if you lose the weight!

Right?

Wrong.

You will be the same old person you've always been if you don't change on the inside.

I know that feeling. Because even though I'm 60 lbs lighter than I was, I am still the same old mess on the inside that I've always been.

It gets so old sometimes. So frustrating. Why can't I figure it out?

I see people with loads of confidence that radiate self-love and I view them in awe... how does that feel? How do I get that?

I try to say self-affirming things. I try to be positive and grateful for the good things in my life. But at the end of the day, it's all bullshit really.

Because I don't love myself. I've just got to the point where I like myself enough that I'm trying to figure it out. But self-love... it's elusive.

It's so much easier (for me) to find someone else to do that FOR me. I go from bad marriage to bad relationship, to another bad relationship because I want so badly to feel love from SOMEONE. Even if it's fake and temporary. Because that's better than nothing, right?

Because right now, I am feeling lonely and depressed. And when I'm lonely and depressed I start making contact with people that I shouldn't. Because any attention is better than none. Maybe they will love me this time, right? And even if they don't, they can lie to me long enough for me to feel some sort of validation.

Before it's over. Again. Because there is a reason that they're not in my life anymore.

The cycle continues. I'm insane, I know.

But at least I SEE it now. I see the key to future happiness. And I know it's self-love. I HAVE to start loving me enough to know that I'm worth it. I have to work on me before I can ever successfully be with anyone else. I know that's why GOD has put me in this position... there is a lesson to be learned.

But on days like today it's so hard. Because I'm lonely. I want to be loved. And I can't do it myself yet. Even though I've been trying for a long time. I just don't "get" it. Maybe after being made to feel worthless and inferior for 30+ years by people who are SUPPOSED to love you, it just takes a while. Maybe...

And it doesn't hurt that time is ticking away... My 38th birthday is right around the corner.

And being at this weight-loss plateau for close to 9 months sucks, too. Because if I could only lose the weight things would be better, right? I might be able to attract the right person if I felt like getting out there. But right now I look and feel frumpy most of the time, and I'm just too old/tired/ugly/fat to put myself out there so what's the use?

That's all crazy talk, though... I know that. But it's still what runs through my head on days like today. Days when it feels like I'm always going to be stuck in a place I don't want to be.

But I have to believe with all my heart that better days are coming. And that everything will work out according to God's will. And that I will love myself one day. And it will be amazing...

13 comments:

Runner 5 said...

You are not alone, I am in the exact same place right along with you. I don't have any answers either, I'm sorry.
I wish you luck. I really do, and I hope you can learn to love yourself and find peace.

Mrs.Watanuki said...

You are beautiful, smart, young and worthy of love-yours and from a wonderful man! It will come and it will be wonderful!

Amy said...

Oh, I so relate to this! I'm actually afraid of progress (fighting through it anyway) because I'm worried about what people will say, how they'll react, and what they'll expect of me. It's a scary thing! Anyway, thanks for posting this!

jcrizzle said...

I haven't checked out your blog in awhile and reading this just reminds me why I should keep more tabs on it. I can't thank you enough for writing such an honest take on the idea of "loving yourself". We all like to believe that we really do value ourselves, but our choices and actions can definitely be a product of what is really going on in our minds and how we feel. Lately, I've been questioning why I pick the relationships I get involved with. What makes me decide that they are fit to be with me? Is it because I just need attention and whoever is up for grabs first gets it? Is that why I only really succeed with weight loss when I'm not tied to anyone? I hope I can progressively get to the level where I KNOW how I need to be treated.

Heather Minewell said...

Oh wow does this resonate with me. If only I weighed X pounds and looked better in these certain outfits, I'd be more confident, I'd be more comfortable in my own skin, people would regard me in a better light, etc. And I'm already at a normal BMI - it's not like I'm obese!

How do you learn to get past this hang-up on outside appearance equating to inside happiness?

Deborah Clark said...

Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable enough to share this. I just discussed this very thing with my weight loss today. She said that reaching and maintaining our healthy weight is more about self-love than about diet. Like so many others, I get down to within 10 or 20 pounds of my goal weight and then start regaining. It is so frustrating! What I am learning to do is to look in the mirror and say out loud "I love you!" It feels awkward and silly, but over time I start to feel it. We are all beautiful and lovable just the way we are, no matter what.

Donna said...

I read this and it touched me. I understand completely. I'm sitting here right now, hating myself, feeling hated by everyone (probably not true but it feels that way) and really depressed. I know exactly what you're feeling, even though it means nothing coming from a stranger.

WatchMe Lose said...

Thanks for sharing

Karen Bodiford said...

Wow. Such honesty. Prayer is the answer. God hears. God understands. God answers, just not always in the way we expect. Keep your eyes and your heart open.

RunningWild said...

I understand that feeling! I am working on getting myself out of that cycle.

Brook Bailey-Kenyon said...

I feel the same as you! I recently went through a tough nursing school in Vermont...made it until the last semester (after gaining 30lbs) and couldn't finish. I'm starting my new healthy life and really looking for inspiration like you and others going through the same thing. I recently tried a new product that seems to be helping really well...I found it at 802skinnywrap.myitworks.com ...but I'm always willing to try more and get tons of advice! Keep writing please!!!

Megan Davis said...

I felt like this once. I still do sometimes, on my darkest days when everything gets to me. But mostly I am grateful for all the good things about myself and in my life. It took a long time and a lot of inner searching and exploring and realising that the way we present ourselves on the outside is a reflection of how we feel on the inside. If you are truly happy with who you are on the inside then this well resonate out and touch other people. Beauty and confidence do not come with a certain size or shape, they come from beautiful people, on the inside.

Take one thing about yourself that you love, and nurture it. Nourish it. It'll grow and one day you may be able to you that you love yourself as much as those around you do.

Zimkhitha Moloi said...

"I see people with loads of confidence that radiate self-love and I view them in awe... how does that feel? How do I get that?"

I know just how you feel Hollie! I've been struggling with weight for most of my life as well and have decided to blog about it. Hopefully I'll figure out stuff about myself as I embark on this journey.