Monday, September 1, 2014

September 1... Starting over

I made up my mind this weekend that today, September 1, 2014, would be my "new" starting point on this weight loss journey. 

I am out of control. 

Although my goals are always in sight, I have officially fallen off the weight loss wagon. Hell, I've fallen off and got run over by it.

I am not eating according to my goals at all. This past month has been rough. School started, and the stress just started rolling in. And a new job assignment (I'm still teaching) just added to it.

Did I mention that I fell and hurt my knee at work less than a week into the school year? Yeah... So I'm not allowed to do any type of exercise that I like - only the recumbent bike that I HATE! I'm not even motivated to go to the gym. 

I'm not motivated at all. I just eat. And eat some more. And I feel sick because I know I'm out of control. So it makes me depressed. And work makes me stressed out. So I eat more. Because that's always the solution, right?

Well, I shouldn't have been surprised to see this number this morning.


But I was. I've been hovering between 270 - 275 lbs all month. I DID NOT expect to be this close to 280 this morning. I was disgusted. Horrified. Discouraged. Angry. 

But also determined. I know what to do. I have cleared all the "bad" stuff out of my house and replaced it with "good" stuff. I have hopefully set myself up for a good week. An awesome week.

I know it will be hard. I'm choosing low-carb, no sugar/sweets/bread. I know this works for me... even though my food addiction tells me that eliminating food groups isn't the answer. But deep down I know that I just can't handle moderation. I need to go cold turkey and get the sugar out of my system. I am an addict. 

What works for some does NOT work for all. Why is it that we don't tell an alcoholic or drug addict to use in moderation, but we tell food addicts that it's okay? It's not okay for me. It's not. (and I will have to remind myself of this in a few days when I'm jonesing for some sugar)...

I won't post these on Instagram or Facebook right now because I'm embarrassed. But here's my new "before" pics. I know a lot of this puffiness is bloat. But I still feel awful. I'm so disappointed.








15 comments:

Karen said...

Start where you are. Here's to abstaining from the food "drugs". You are not alone.

There is pain in the abstain, there is pain in life, but I find more joy when I'm food sober. Here's to finding your way- All the strength and courage to dump the wheat and sugar and anything else. Onward

Karen P.

cindie nunez said...

girl you must be tall cause you carry 279 REALLY well!

Rita said...

Thank you for your transparency and honesty. Today is a new day.

Ramble Ann said...

I to am facing the reality of the fact that I have been really lazy this summer. When I undisciplined I tend to isolate and hibernate.I am tired of the spare tire around my belly. I tend to gravitate towards carbs and sugar too. I want to get with it. I do believe that the truth sets me free but I need to make a committment..

Jessica said...

You can do it!

Kathleen said...

Hollie,
You are beautiful right now - just as you are! Truly! You look great in those pictures. Don't beat up on yourself. If you want to lose weight, you will. And since you do, you will!

I loved your bravery and vulnerability in posting your weight and pictures.
Don't you worry -this journey will go smoothly and won't be hard. Once you get on that wave, you will coast along just fine and the weight will fall off.

I am bookmarking your blog and I will be following you! Take care,
Kathleen

michele said...

Take a deep breath and know that you can always start offer again. You have the courage and inner grace to do this all over again…and you simply will.
Have a good week.

michele said...

you will continue to journey on with straight and grace, as you have in the past

Anna Down Under said...

It's as good a day to start as any ... all the best to you, you can do this! :)

snow_dragon said...

I've been in that depressed horrible place that you are in as well. I guess we all have been or we wouldn't be reading weight loss blogs! You can do this. You've got the right mind set about a fresh start - don't look at yesterday - look at today. One day at a time, chick! One day at a time.

Getting My Life Back Now LLC said...

I'm still proud of you!! I truly understand how you feel it's terrible but it's not the end!! I totally agree being a recovering food addict we must know moderation is not always key and that's what makes it so difficult.. I too have to cut things out cold turkey or else the cycle goes on & on.. Sorry to hear about your knee.. Things will turn around I'm rooting for you!!

Yum Yucky said...

Hollie, I know you can turn that disappointment into a relentless pursuit of all the good you want for yourself. The future is bright and the possibilities you're able to create for yourself are endless. xo!

Raine said...

But the important thing is you have started back on track again and that is huge to start moving forward and not to continue in the downward slump. We've all been there.

Alati said...

I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Way to go on setting your foot down and getting started. Sending you positive vibes!

BubuCakes said...

I know your pain. I've been where you are. 160 lbs down and there are STILL foods that I CAN NOT eat in moderation. I love the attitude! Keep it up!