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Wednesday, April 8, 2015

What pushes you?


Unfortunately, after three solid weeks of doing very low-carb/Adkins/Keto, I fell off the wagon. Oh, there are plenty of excuses to why, but it all started with a weigh in that made me very disappointed. In three weeks, I 'only' lost about 5 lbs. Nevermind that my clothes fit looser. Nevermind that physically I felt like a million bucks.

That scale pissed me off.

Low-carb always works. But this time, not so much. Not like it has in the past.

So what started as a "one day break", ended up as a week long free-for-all. Because there was no way I could start over with Easter in only a few days, right?

Right.

Just more excuses.

I guess rock bottom was Thursday. I ate a total of SIX Cadbury eggs and was absolutely SICK. But I still kept binging.

Friday-yesterday was better, but not weight-loss worthy.

This mornings weigh in...



Damn. Damn. Damn.

I am almost 300 lbs again.

Hell. NO.

So, low carb it is. Again. Because it works... maybe not so fast on the scale anymore. But it allows me control over this addiction. It allows me to feel full and satisfied and it helps with my cravings.

It was probably a sign that I ordered an Atkins diet book several weeks ago and it just came in the mail yesterday. More on those insights later.

But I just need to get a hold of something... something that will help push me. Maybe it's NOT seeing 300 on the scale again. But so far, nothing has been motivating me enough to get my ass in gear. My clothes are all too small. I have heartburn again. I hate my reflection in the mirror. I feel like shit.

But I still stuff myself full of food and sugar until I vomit.

Madness. Insanity. Stupidity.

All that.

I need to push. Push toward at least getting back into my size 18's. Back into the 260's.

My life literally depends on it.

11 comments:

Amy W. said...

Hmmm. "What pushes me" can be a very big answer. I ask myself that often though...what made my weight loss different this time (the band of course was the turning point, but we know that the band, or an WLS doesn't equate to success. I mean, I am a total foodie or food addict. Whatever you want to label it. I was 330 pounds. I had lost weight and gained it all back plus more...so in the beginning, what motivated me was 1. My doctor told me that you can have the lapband and not lose a pound. He was cute. I wanted to prove him wrong. Then, the initial weight loss surrounding surgery...20ish pound pretty quickly. That was motivating. Then, fitting into all of those clothes I had literally saved for a decade. That motivated me. And blogging and making it public. I set short term goals, which works for me. 30 pounds in three months, broke down to 10 pounds a month. I had goals that weren't scale related that meant a great deal to me. I did the 5k. I wanted to be able to waterski again. Then started the weight training and seeing a difference in my body. That is what still keeps me motivated (at least to workout). I know that hardwork in my weight training will produce results...and I want that really bad. Having a workout partner as a fiance is definitely a plus, but my best friend works out with me as well...and it makes it so much better. And now I have a lifestyle that I could not have maintained at 300 plus pounds, and I know how good that feels to be free of the weight. I don't want to go back.

When I DO put on weight and need to lose it (like right now), it's not because of the scale this time...bc I am not weighing myself this year...but bc my pants are getting tight and that motivates me! But I have a goal to reach by Memorial Day (it coincidences with a little mini-vacay that will probably be full of swimsuit pictures). So I am setting weekly goals. That makes everything seem more attainable.

Sorry if all that was rambling. I was kind of typing out loud!

Winner at a Losing Game said...

I hear your frustration loud and clear. I do wish I had some answers for you. I just want to encourage you to keep trying because not trying doesn't work at all. I know that is obvious, but it is all I have. I can't criticize or judge because I have been where you are too.

Chrissie said...

I'm ultra low-carbing at the moment and also seeing very slow changes on the scales. But I feel so much more in control this way that I'm hanging in there regardless (so far anyway). It's so hard though when I can't help wanting the weight loss more than the other benefits :-(
Good luck!

The Girl said...

Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog today. I just started my weight loss journey and I completely understand what you are going through.
Maybe its cuz I love carbs or its cuz I'm Inidan, I just don't believe in a low-carb diet. I've tried - it probably works temporarily, but is definitely not the solution. I've had severe headaches on low-carb diets. But then again, these are just my experiences. I've noticed that when I eat a low-carb diet, I feel like binging on sugar and stuffing myself with chips, pizzas and what not! But when I start my day with a well-balanced meal (with Rice, et al), I do feel satiated and honestly don't get those cravings... Just my 2-cents. I'm sure you have thought it all out before putting yourself on a diet plan. :)
Stay strong, girl!

Kengi Mc said...

Just keep trying, try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Eat less and exercise more...that's the key. But there are many resources that you can use to reach your goals...try www.fittofirm.com
Wishing you the best...you can do it...you got this!

Tara Contreras said...

Hollie- I hear you. I am a compulsive eater and food addict. As much as I try to eat "normal" it always leads to binging. I do far greater, have less cravings and lose weight when I do not eat flour products or any refined sugar products. I am at 280 currently. Down 5 lbs from 14 days ago. I am a little disappointed it is not happening faster. Although I see that for me at least the scale is moving in the right direction for a change. I hear your pain. I understand your pain. I am right there with you. LOVE YOU! Tara from WorthEveryOunce

#fatfreefloozy said...

I'm with you babe. I take two steps forward and one step backwards ALL.THE. TIME. It is part of this game! Big hugs!

Christina @ Love Yourself Healthy said...

Hi, I just found your blog today--losing weight is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm down about 22 pounds since last May (with the bulk of that being in the last few months) and 100 more to go--I spent several months just getting my head in the game. I realized my food problems went a lot deeper than I could fix myself, so I started seeing a therapist and WOW. I hardly even recognize the person I was a year ago.

The slowness of my weight loss used to bother me a lot, but I realized that it's not just about losing weight... I'm changing habits that I've had for 30 years! That doesn't happen overnight. I'm also not making any changes that I can't do for the rest of my life; one of my biggest binges, the one that led me to seek therapy, happened after I finished an extremely restrictive diet that promised I'd lose up to 20 pounds in a month (I didn't even lose 5). Sure, I felt good while doing it, but I learned that I can't just arbitrarily cut entire food groups out of my diet forever. So, to answer your question--what pushes me is the longing to be healthy in a sustainable fashion; whatever that ultimately means, I just know I'm not there yet. In any case, I'm not making any changes that I can't live with forever.

Keep doing what you need to do to find out what works for you, because it doesn't look the same for everybody.

chadder509 said...

Hi Hollie-

I just found your blog and wow. That's all I can say...wow. Losing weight and being healthy is so difficult it seems, especially when it involves breaking habits you've had for a long time. I share the same struggles with you.

You obviously realize the necessity of being healthier, but don't fall into the trap of being negative! Being negative makes losing weight a necessity and ONLY a necessity. Stay positive and you'll see that losing weight, eating healthier, and being more in shape actually become fun, enjoyable, and more rewarding!

I've found that having someone hold me accountable or being part of group (not just trying by myself) has been the most successful. Have you thought about trying anything like this? There's a free course you can join at dbdfit.com that teaches about the concerns you raised in this post.

I look forward to continuing to read your blog and I hope you achieve your dreams and goals! :D Anyone can do it...just educate yourself, and most importantly, BELIEVE! Best of luck!!!!

Maureen O'Rourke said...

Gosh do I ever feel your pain on this. I had a week-long eating binge while off work over Easter. I won't lie, I ate until I was sick on several occasions. I was absolutely furious with myself. I still am, though I'm trying not to be. I'm at that point where my weight loss is slowing down significantly, and I've been finding myself easily discouraged. I can only keep going, keep trying right?

But all of this makes me wonder what causes us to binge. I know it is psychological, but is there a biological aspect?

Jebbica @Jebbica's World said...

Thank you for writing this post! I know it's hard. I hate failing. I like to gloss over it and focus on the positive. But it happens. It sucks. You do one bad thing, and the next thing you know, the cheat meal has snowballed into a cheat week! I had a bad week also. After a few really good exercising weeks, I had a week where I barely did anything. I know I'm going to regret that this week. I guess the great thing is every new day is a day to start all over again. We can do this!

Jebbica
http://jebbicasworld.com/blog/