Cize with me!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Motivated

I have very exciting news that I finally feel comfortable enough to share...

I AM MOVING TO FLORIDA!

Crazy, huh? But yes, I have prayed and contemplated on this for years. In the last six months or so, I decided to start seriously considering this move. My oldest daughter and nephew both graduate from high school this year, and it's time to make a change. As a family, we are all excited. My college bound kids both decided to stay in Tennessee for college, but are excited to be able to visit a new home in Florida on school breaks and holidays.

Things have really been falling into place. This past weekend, I was able to find an apartment that is 37 MINUTES FROM THE BEACH! I'm so excited. Now, I just need to find a job, but I am in the application process for two school districts and I am not worried about finding something that is perfect.

My life is about to change in big ways! I have taken a huge leap of faith, but I am so excited for a fresh start.

After spending both Saturday and Sunday morning on the beach, I realized how easy it can be to lead an active lifestyle when I get down there. I can totally see myself taking long walks on the beach. There were also lots of bootcamps and group exercises going on. It was exciting.

I also noticed that EVERYONE on the beach is in a bikini or two-piece... no matter what the size. Which I think is pretty awesome. But I know that in my current condition, I'd be way too self conscious.

And the picture we took this weekend... Um, no. As cute as I felt in my maxi skirt and tank, the re-gained pounds really show. And it just made me feel... disgusted?



So when I got back on Monday I was motivated. Very motivated.

I don't have a PLAN per, se. But so far this week I've been counting calories and drinking water like it's my job. Oh, and I actually packed a gym bag and went to workout after school yesterday.

Small changes, but at least I'm doing SOMETHING.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

What's next?

I'm still in somewhat of a slump about my weight gain, but for the past few days I've made a choice to stop with all the negativity, and just move forward the best way I know how. I started using MyFitnessPal AGAIN, but this time I went in and let the website recommend my calories and macros (I usually customize this for myself). It has me at 1900 calories. And so far, thats fine with me. I've gone over each day this week thanks to candy calories, but at least I'm tracking and TRYING.

I've got to try. I just can't NOT try. But eating 'normally' is actually ok. And tracking helps control the portions.

I am going out of town tomorrow, but first I have a doctor's appointment with my OB/GYN that also does nutritional counseling. I'm hoping they can give me some advice or direction. After low/no carb not working this time, I just feel so discouraged. I feel like my body hates me and I've really just abused it for so long that I'm a lost cause.

I called my insurance company last week and asked about resources for someone with an eating disorder, or help with nutrition and weight loss. Blue Cross Blue Shield was sorry to inform me that they don't offer help with anything like that, but I would be an excellent candidate for gastric bypass surgery. The rep was happy to refer me to a bariatric surgeon.

Damn. Not that I haven't thought about it lately. But I just don't think surgery will help me until I get the mental and emotional stuff right.

When it comes to food and sugar, I am totally unstable.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

What pushes you?


Unfortunately, after three solid weeks of doing very low-carb/Adkins/Keto, I fell off the wagon. Oh, there are plenty of excuses to why, but it all started with a weigh in that made me very disappointed. In three weeks, I 'only' lost about 5 lbs. Nevermind that my clothes fit looser. Nevermind that physically I felt like a million bucks.

That scale pissed me off.

Low-carb always works. But this time, not so much. Not like it has in the past.

So what started as a "one day break", ended up as a week long free-for-all. Because there was no way I could start over with Easter in only a few days, right?

Right.

Just more excuses.

I guess rock bottom was Thursday. I ate a total of SIX Cadbury eggs and was absolutely SICK. But I still kept binging.

Friday-yesterday was better, but not weight-loss worthy.

This mornings weigh in...



Damn. Damn. Damn.

I am almost 300 lbs again.

Hell. NO.

So, low carb it is. Again. Because it works... maybe not so fast on the scale anymore. But it allows me control over this addiction. It allows me to feel full and satisfied and it helps with my cravings.

It was probably a sign that I ordered an Atkins diet book several weeks ago and it just came in the mail yesterday. More on those insights later.

But I just need to get a hold of something... something that will help push me. Maybe it's NOT seeing 300 on the scale again. But so far, nothing has been motivating me enough to get my ass in gear. My clothes are all too small. I have heartburn again. I hate my reflection in the mirror. I feel like shit.

But I still stuff myself full of food and sugar until I vomit.

Madness. Insanity. Stupidity.

All that.

I need to push. Push toward at least getting back into my size 18's. Back into the 260's.

My life literally depends on it.